2min chapter

Girls Gotta Eat cover image

How to Complain to Your Partner (and Friends) the Right Way feat. Psychologist/Author Guy Winch

Girls Gotta Eat

CHAPTER

How to Complain Effectively

"We probably voice dozens dozens of them a day, and most of them are mild and they don't really matter," she says. "There's something quite disempowering about that." Complaining to the people you should be complaining to 'doesn't go well' because we're not effective in doing it - even though we could if we knew how. The best way to complain effectively? You just take it away.

00:00
Speaker 2
She'll cal it forn desk, she'll tell you, she'llwhat.
Speaker 1
But it hit me cause i was like, that is true. I will spin my wheels talking about something to a friend that i metad another friend about, and it's like, why didn't i just tell that person and just nip it in the bud? I'll spend years talking tohit about something, and it's not a great way to be. It
Speaker 2
says, she comes with quite a price, right? Because when we voice complaints. And by the way, people don't understand that we probably voice dozens dozens of them a day, and most of them are mild and they don't really matter. An teyre in the form of venting, which is fine. But when something really nags at us or bothers us, and we don't actually get it resolved, we just tell a lot of people about it, even sometimes, as you say, for years on end. There's something quite disempowering about that. Thers, something that leaves us feeling quite helpless and weak and frustrated and resentful. And it does have quite an impact on, not psychologicaly, that we don't realize.
Speaker 1
So i think there's different lairs and waste of structure the conversation. Because there's this not complaining enough, or not voicing how you feel. Then there's over complaining, which i think a lot of people can relate too as well. And their partner or their friend or their parent, whoever is getting the brunt of the excessive complaining, can relate. So shall we start with the people that don't complain enough? Or how do you complain effectively? I mean, you just take it away. I will first o yut say one thing.
Speaker 2
One of the reasons people don't complain to the people they should be complaining to is because it doesn't go well. And the reason it doesn't go well is because they suck at it. And in general, we're terrible at it. We we we just don't put any thought into it. So we voice it spontaneously, or once we've accumulated and we want to explode. And of course, it doesn't go well, and like, ah, i knew i shouldn't say anything. And then we climb up again. But that's because we're not effective. And yet we could be if we knew how.
Speaker 1
So one of the things that suck out to me is, like ashl and i get these great emils all the time from people saying, i want to talk about high relationship. Ihave this thing that's going on. It's beautifully well written, it's smart, it's insightful. And i always think, if you just sent this to your partner, this would, this is the perfect thing. But they didn't. They send it to us. And like you said, it's, it's a fear of it notke going well or hurting somebody. So of course, i understand why people don't do it.

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