It doesn't just have to be, are you staying or are you going? That happens to be the topic of this episode, but I also want you to think about resurrecting a relationship, even if it's a good relationship, but you know it could be better or more passionate or more satisfying. We have to look in and go, what am I willing to do myself to make that happen? I was reading something that the Gottman Institute put out that couples who kiss for six seconds a day are more intimate than couples who don't. And that may not sound like a lot of time, but if you're in a long-term relationship, and even if you're still sexual and have sex, the whole thing about kissing, just kissing for kissing's sake, a lot of times that can get lost when the first 5 to 10 or 15 years of the relationship is done. And we have brought that back into our relationship and I have to say, it's really fun and it really does resurrect something. It almost reminds me of when I was 28 or 30 or whatever, you know, like in between us. So there's things that you can do, but of course for it to work, we both have to be willing to play along when the other person is like, all right, let that's, you know, jumping in for my six seconds, you know, anyway, moving into how do we break through the cloud of confusion? Because being a psychotherapist for 27 years, I can tell you, the number of times clients have come in and said that they are confused, quote unquote, about their relationship or that they're torn and that they really love the person, but they're not sure what to do. What I have discovered is a lot of times, if it's painful for you to know the truth about the relationship. You may use confusion as like a mask to not deal with it. A lot of times. And if I just pose a direct question in therapy, which I sometimes do, it depends on the client and what intervention I would choose. But I've honestly said, um, do you think it's already too late? Because a lot of times people will come in after the fact they've, they've already put up with stuff or been in a dysfunctional, um, relational pattern with this person for so many years. That every year you do that, you're basically scraping away at the foundation and that the love, the love that is in the relationship, where a lot of times it just starts, the love starts being replaced with resentment, anger, frustration, disappointment, all of those sort of negative emotions. And I can't, probably half the time, that I've said to a client, do you honestly think it's already done for you? That they've said, yes, but I'm afraid of what that means. I'm like, okay, well, we can know the truth and still choose to do nothing. We can take it slow, right? Let that truth sit, because sometimes when you admit the truth then other possibilities can come from there Right, but it's it's in denying that truth and saying I'm confused when really what you think is over the situation That's different. So we have to be honest with ourselves and our partners, right but honest with yourself first Right, if you're initiating time away or a break, maybe you do live together, maybe you don't, if you do, maybe you're initiating moving out. I was just working with a couple where it really looked like they were done, done, done. And the husband moved out, and now they're really working on their relationship in a totally different way. And for that couple, they needed space. They needed to break out of this 15-year pattern that they'd gotten into in their living situation where there's all kinds of bickering and fighting all the time. so that they each had some peace, created this space that they could come back together. And like suddenly you could remember what was good about the relationship when you weren't fighting all the time. And then getting into therapy together is a possibility and figuring out effective communication skills and whatever it is. So honest conversations are incredibly important and here's the thing, when you're in a situation where you're not sure how it's going to go, it's very scary and as human beings we love certainty. We want certainty, right? This is what we want and yet relationships are fluid living beings, right? They're entities unto themselves and you may not know what's going to happen. And that's okay. So it's sort of easier to hang out in the confusion a lot of times than it is to take decisive action. But I'm not saying those are your only choices. I think communication and getting clear about how you feel, that's probably the most important stuff. But if you have had prolonged feelings of confusion in your relationship, you know, this can speak to your attachment style and other things as well. But it also speaks to the fact that something in your relationship and within yourself needs your attention. Because a lot of times people will come into therapy and talk about, well, this part of the relationship is great and other parts are terrible. And it's like before people get married, I would always ask my clients, especially if it's a volatile relationship where they feel like it's going to change. It's going to change. The relationship is going to change. The person is going to change. And my feeling is they may not change. So I'll always say, if your level of satisfaction from this day forward, never change the level you're at right now. Would that be enough for you? And if the answer is yes, then great. Sounds like a good idea. And if the answer is no, then my feeling is put the brakes on until you can figure out how to create more satisfaction and better communication or sex or whatever it is that that you're struggling with. Because a lot of times people come in and say that their partner promises to change, and that they're working on the thing or that they're, you know, they're not going to do it again, whatever it is. Someone had come in, this is years ago, someone had come in and said, you know, what do you think about my partner saying, you know, we had an incident where our fighting escalated and they hit me, my partner hit me, but they swear to God, it'll never happen again. And they're so sad and so contrite and they're're crying and they're so this and now that made me very nervous. And I was like, somebody losing control of themselves to that degree. They may not have it's not about willpower to stop. Usually with abuse, it starts starts and then it escalates. And so that's where therapy really, to me, would be, if they wouldn't get into therapy, would be a deal breaker. You know, and so a lot of other people would say if somebody hits you once, you should just end the relationship. But I think that's easier said than done for a lot of people, because there may be other things about the person. not saying stay in an abusive relationship. I am saying if someone has anger issues and if there's a problem, therapy and you need the proof can't be in there what they're saying, right? The proof can't be in their words. The proof has to be in their actions. So and it's the same thing if you're dealing with someone who let's say is drinking too much and And they say they're gonna slow it down, but they don't. You have to have a conversation to let them know what happens for you. Right? How, I don't know what happens for you if you were someone who drinks too much. But for me, if I was with someone who drinks too much, it's very boring. It's the opposite of an aphrodisiac. It is uninteresting. And you can talk about how the drinking or the excess, whether it's drinking or drugs or smoking weed or whatever it is, if that is how it's impacting how you feel about them in the relationship. And I feel like they have a right to know that. And if it's becoming a deal breaker for you, for real, they also have a right to know that, you know. we really have to look at like how much of the relationship is painful, how much of the relationship is joyful. This is what can really help you figure out whether you should say or whether you should go. Right? Does the good outweigh the bad, which sounds really pedestrian. Like, I mean, is that it? No, of course that's not it. But that is something to think about in the guide. And I'm going to go over a couple of them now, but I've given you 15 questions to ask yourself to really help you really drop in, you know, dive deep into whether you should stay or go. So let's just start with the first one.