The beginning of the book, she said that a colleague of hers says that 20-some things are like airplanes leaving New York. The smallest change is the difference between landing in San Diego and Seattle. But once you're almost to San Diego, only like a huge detour is going to reroute you back to Seattle. Which is so terrifying and also true where it's like, it's, I mean, the beginning of your 20s, it's all laid out before you. You can go any direction. But once you get to be 35, like just using the example of having kids, for example, we've all talked about it. Like, oh, we have kids, probably going to wait until it's like almost dangerous. Once you get to that point, it's like, you know, you got to really think about the timing of stuff and appreciate the time you have to make those detours because one thing she said that really got me is like, don't ask that question of what you would do if you won the lottery. Ask what would you do if you don't win the lottery? That was like a shit. That is so good. It's like, hey, what do you like to do that you can get through and work towards and have a decent life? I love that. I love that, too. Yeah, like, yeah, chances are, not going to win the lottery and not going to be super, like, filthy rich ever. So you earn an income without wanting to kill yourself. Exactly. And I like that realistic approach. Like, you know what? I'm actually there already. Like, I feel good about it already. So I'm sure to only get better. Yeah. But yeah, I think that was a great question to ask yourself. Like, yeah, what we're going to do if you don't. It's like, well, we had that question of like, what would you do if you were going to die or something? Yeah. What was that? Was that a question? Oh, yeah. That's like a lottery. Like, I like that phrasing so much better. You've got a week. I love that. You guys are like, I want to be on stage as much as possible. I'm like, I just want to sleep and take a nap with my family. Realist good for you at a week. Like, probably going to do a show or two, but mostly, you know, you can't like work on bits. So you're probably going to, you know, get some good food, have some good sex. Like your mom and dad a couple times. Absolutely. Be real. Absolutely. Am I jumping too far? I had to go to the bean and like stuff, the big five. Oh, that was great. I really like the big. Yeah, I'd do that. Okay. So in terms of relationships and being compatible with somebody, I think that that's this like constant thing that whether you're in a relationship or not, I think if you're in a relationship, you're like, am I truly compatible with this person in like the best ways? Am I overlooking anything that if we get married is going to be a huge issue? And then if you're single, I think you're trying to be like, okay, am I looking for the right things in a partner, you know, pros, cons, likes, just like whatever? So she says that the most, some of the most important factors are called the big five. And it's like types of personality and where you range on it. So it's openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. So let's say for neuroticism on the low end, it's somebody who's not easily bothered, secure, takes things at face value, emotionally resilient, and on the high end, tense, moody, anxious, sensitive, prone to sadness worries a lot, quickly sees a negative. I said neuroticism. I think you said eroticism. Oh, no, I was like, what? That's on my list. No, no, neuroticism. I was on bars like that's very important. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's huge. Yeah, so it's talking about that you should go through that list and kind of see where you fall like high end or low end in these big five things and also where your partner falls. And that's where you can see where if there's some like really obvious things that don't line up. And basically where you rate on those things is how you experience the world and as a result, how others experience you. Yes. And I found that to just hit hard, especially with the neuroticism, because that is like through the roof, I am so neurotic and cane is not. And that's where an area that we butt heads where I'm always criticizing and like putting things under the microscope. Oh, interesting. And it says there's just a part that says neuroticism or the tendency to be anxious, stressed, critical, and moody is far more predictive of relationship unhappiness than is personality dissimilarity. Yeah. So like just that alone, if you're being that way, it's really hard to be successful with anybody. Right. So that was a big kind of like, okay, it's good to be aware of that. Yeah, but that makes sense because when you you've dated that person, we're like, Oh man, they're so compatible on paper. Yeah, when I'm with them, I just, the something's not right. Right. I think this is where this falls in is like, yeah, you're handling things differently. You're dealing with things differently. But yeah, like I've dated a guy who was like, yeah, everything was great. It was attractive. You had a good job, all that stuff. But like, he was so like moody about everything. Yeah. And I'm like, Oh, I can't do that. But somebody can like, I think he's in relationship. Somebody can. Somebody can. Somebody can. And they fit together and that's great. I was just like, you know, this isn't fit with me. What a great way to break up with someone just lean across the table and put your hand on theirs and say, somebody can't. It's not me. But somebody. But somebody. Oh my God. And that's a good way to, if you're going through a tough breakup and you're thinking, no one's ever going to love me, I'm too difficult to love. Somebody can somebody can. Somebody can. Somebody can. It does. Somebody can. Sounds like a good sign for sure. Because yeah, I mean, compatibility is because she talks about how there should be like a class for finding somebody. Yes. Would be good for like a good partner because that's like the most important decision you're going to make. College. Yes. It should be taught in college as opposed to like, you know, math. Like it's math. Get rid of math and have a spouse class. Yeah. I thought that was so, so true. Like, because compatibility is so much more important than chemistry, not that you don't need both. But I feel like it's so much easier to have chemistry than compatibility. Totally. Right. Like, isn't it? Because I've had the same situation. My college boyfriend was like on paper. I was like, nailed it. Yeah. Like I got it. Everything on my God list. And then like, you know, wasn't right at all. And there were good other guys that I had really good chemistry with. But like compatibility wise, it was like, well, this is never going to work practically. Like, I can't I can't imagine us on Christmas in 11 years. Like with our kids. Like, no, right. Never happened. Right. So I thought the class thing was really interesting. Yeah. Yeah. That was good. One thing, I don't know if I could jump a little bit. One thing I felt like she was really at some points trying to say like kids are the most important thing. And I feel like she kind of put people down who didn't want kids in a way. There's a couple. There's a couple parts where it was like she was very pro kids. And it almost felt like if you don't have kids, you're kind of wasting your time or your life a little bit. So I wasn't like, be aware of that kind of in parts of the book. I don't feel like that. Yeah. I don't know. Towards the end, it was like, Oh, if I would have known, you know, sooner I could have been spending all this time with my with my children. You don't know. That's true. Yeah. But that it only only struck me in a couple areas. But everything else was great. But I did say like that was the only thing I kind of felt like, Oh, but like there's so many people out there that are not going to have kids and either don't want kids that are going to do great things and value everything just as much. You know what I mean? Or people who have kids and regret it. Right. Exactly. So I was like, I think that was kind of, you know, kind of talked about in the like the fertility section. But no, other than that, like everything else I fucking loved, I loved the real like the real time kind of advice that she was giving her clients that she was, you know, she was writing out like conversations between her and her her clients. Yeah. That was so great. Because you could actually, I mean, I saw myself in so many of them too, when they were saying, I mean, yeah, that so that was like remarkable to see that because a lot of our books that we've read up until this point have just been like, I knew a guy once and he did this, but like these were like word for word quotes on like what these young people were saying about their lives and I could put myself in their shoes. And I was like, fuck, I need to get my shit together, you know, it was a great format. Not the end of the chapter. She'd be like, I'm not seeing this person anymore. But they wrote me and now this is where their lives are at. It was such a cool thing too to be like, Oh, they took what they learned in therapy. And now they're doing this. I really loved it. Yeah, go ahead. No, go for it. I just say I loved the the situation with the the girl who they were engaged, I believe. And she was just really again, this is kind of with like the neurotic like she kept really emphasizing things he didn't do. But it was like, but are those actually important? Right? They were trivial. She was like, his parents send weird scrapbook things to us. And the therapist was like, is that like, is that really a deal breaker though? And the girl asks her, she has a therapist, how do I know if a relationship is hard because it's wrong or because it's real? And I'm like, damn bitch. That's I think such a big thing. Because it's like, none of us are professional relationshipers, like you just go about your life and gain experience. And then you compare what you've got to other experiences and you just like make a good estimate or whatever. And she the therapist said, you'll never know with complete certainty. That's why marriage is a commitment, not a guarantee. So I think that's a good thing to be reminded of too for all y'all perfectionists out there. What's up? Hi, what's up? Hi, it's not here. It's never going to be perfect. And she says, listen to what matters not to every single thing that makes you dissatisfied or anxious. Right. Well, she had a great example of when she gave birth to her first kid, right? She was in labor for 72 hours. And her husband had been there with her. And I guess he was dismissed by one of the nurses like, Hey, go get yourself something, eat whatever. And she couldn't eat anything because of whatever birth shit. And he comes back with like, you know, pizza and a hot dog and whatever else. And she got really mad like, get that fucking shit out of here. Like, I can't eat any of it. So what are you doing? And then who was her aunt or her sister was like, well, he's been awake with you, you know, all that time. He already the bar too high. Yeah, he's been awake that long. And he got this fast food so he can come back up here and spend time with you. Yeah, and he delivered flowers right after he was like dismissed. You know what I mean? It's like, you can think of in the moment, you might be pissed off about something, but you got to get the other side of the story. Totally. Context. Context. Yeah. Yeah. I think women, especially not to not to do the whole bitches be crazy thing. I feel like women are more prone to do that where it's like you pick apart every little thing because you had this idea in your head of what the guy was supposed to do that day. And if he veers off from it, you're mad at yourself for expecting more from him and you're mad at him for not being what you expected. Right. Just so unhealthy. Well put. But so easy. Right. Yeah. Absolutely. Or yeah, like the input from your friends who are also in relationships or who are not in relationships who might be saying, oh, he should be doing this and this. And he's not. But meanwhile, their own relationship. Yeah, maybe that guy's doing those certain things, but he's also doing this bullshit on the side. Yeah. Oh, you know, everybody. Yeah. They're saying I talk about stage. Everybody's got a bag of shit. Yeah. Different sizes, different smells, different things in there, but no one is perfect. Right. Everybody's got one. Yeah. Like you might send you flowers on your birthday every year, but he's banging the nanny. You know what I mean? Like, okay, my grandma sent me flowers, but he's not being he's playing video games at home. Like he's not banging any name. Right. Yeah. So I don't know. There's I that input from friends was also kind of like, yeah, you know, kind of reevaluate that totally. Yeah. I what did you guys think of the the chapter called on dating down? Oh, very interesting. I didn't relate to that one very much because that has not been my experience in life. But I do know friends who have been through that. Very relatable. Yeah. Okay. There's the girl she talks to her name, Kathy. A chef. I really, I mean, I didn't I didn't totally relate to this in every way, but I related to certain aspects of this. Like her thing saying, like, I feel like I just have to keep hooking up and seeing what sticks. I know so many people who do that and feel that way who are just like, not really being intentional about who they date. Right. They're just like throwing the wall. Yeah. Like, hey, yeah, just hoping you're the one like, maybe we'll just see like, I know you have this not going for you or this, but let's just see what happens. Like, now there's kind of you have to have some deal breakers in place, I feel like. Oh, yeah. And just know certain things that wouldn't be good for you or wouldn't work out. Oh, yeah. Not that you shouldn't be open to new experiences and new people, but you should know yourself well enough to know what's going to affect compatibility. But the thing she was talking about was she's talking about, she's talking about hooking up with a lot of people, which I have never really done and I don't do, but I was going, I know, I know it's a lady who's really gunning for that. Trying to corrupt tail and young and single. Yeah. But I did go through, you know, three and a half years where I was in three consecutive relationships one after the other and got to a point where I was feeling like she talks about like, you know, people being attracted to her and like, having sex is like the power to not feel unattractive and insecure. And it's like the power to feel special. And, you know, the author asked her like, if a man doesn't want you, you feel unspecial. And she said, if someone doesn't want me, I feel awful. My confidence goes down. If there isn't a guy in my life, it's like a desert to me. Each person who wants me feels like an oasis. Like maybe this will be the last person to want me. I feel like I have to drink it up. I have to take whatever I can get. If I don't find someone, I view it as being rejected by everyone. Wow. Yeah. Oof. That's a true bomb. And you know what? I read this towards the end of my second to last relationship. So it didn't even really hit home to the point where I did something about it right away. But when I read it, I remember feeling really like, oh, you, you're getting to a point where you need the validation. And you're like addicted to the feeling of being in love. You're addicted to the, the feeling of being special and feeling like somebody, if you feel like you, if there's not a guy that it's going to like go away forever. Cause like, you know, you were like a loser in middle school or whatever. Like it was just coming from that very insecure, childish place of if there's not another one soon, then what happens? Right next. Like I'm not, it's never going to happen for me again. So I really related to that. That's and yeah. And like, yeah, we all have, I'm sure no people who, yeah, could just kind of date whoever's interested in them and don't stop to think about what they want in a partner. Yeah. Like you have to think about what you want and what you want to go after. Totally. But it's interesting because when I was going through my phase, I, I kind of like compartmentalized things. I was like, okay, like I knew if a guy, if I met somebody, I was like, this is just a hookup person. And then I knew it's like, Oh, this is somebody I could actually date. So I had like two different categories for guys when I was like dating. Yeah. So I don't, I don't, it's interesting where you only feel like, Oh no, this is, I'm just going to kind of see what happens because I would, I would kind of, you know, justify something like, well, this guy is just, that'll be a good weekend. And then this goes, this guy, I got to treat this treat this guy differently because this is somebody I might actually want to date seriously. So I was kind of like, differentiate between the people. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I don't know, I don't know if that's good or bad or if I'm, you know, just, you know, I think that's normal. But yeah, um, poor Kathy, I hope she's doing okay. Yeah. Yeah. I know, right? Well, I'm doing better. So I'm from Kathy. Because you know, again, I wasn't like sleeping people and I was, I like loved all the people I was with. But you know, there is something to be said for like, knowing your motivations for being in relationships and not being in the right place where it's something we've talked about before on the podcast. But if you're not in the right place for it, it doesn't matter how much you like somebody, like you're not in the place for it. And if they're supposed to be in your life, it'll happen. That's how I feel about it. We've talked about this before, about how like, well, if it's the right person, you'll make it work. I actually want to amend what I said earlier. I don't even remember what episode it was. I think that if it's the right person, if it's not the right time for you, you're, you shouldn't have to make it work. The timing should work out later or something. When, when it's a better time for you, it'll work out if you're supposed to be with that person. That's what I think. Yeah, sure. Don't just, I think force it because you're like, this is the way I didn't happens all the time that you hear stories about people, you know, dating and then years later getting back together or like even, you know, people getting married in divorce and then going back to their, you know, high school sweetheart. Stuff happens all the time. Yeah, for sure. I said before, Kate and I met at a time where it was like, probably not the right time for us to like really be going full throttle the way we did, but it can't change that. And we've learned a lot. This book has also made me, I used to kind of resent that I met him so young, but this book made me feel like, oh, like, yeah, good. I've like, been through a lot with him that if I hadn't met him yet, like that would have been harder, you know what I mean? Right. Like, I'm 28. Like, I'm, it's good. I'm getting older. It's good that I have all of this shit with him that I've gone through. So it's nice. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. What was the quote you wrote up right before we started recording? Because I feel like it's perfect. Oh, there's this one to this perfectly. Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward. Damn, dude. Perfectly a play crazy, right? You can feel like it's not the right time for something like when you met Kane, you're like, man, I'm not ready for this. I wanted to sew more oats. But now looking backward, you're like, Oh, it was a good time. Oh, yeah. It was the right person and it turned out to be great. Right. That was supposed to happen. And he said, like, oh, he's been going through some of his own stuff.