How to tell affection from obsessive control

Identifying Red Flags: Making Safer Relationship Choices

Dr. David Wexler joins Bill Eddy to discuss his new book "Choose Him Wisely: How to Identify a Safe Partner," co-authored with Dr. Donald Meichenbaum. Drawing from over 40 years of clinical experience working with relationship dynamics and domestic violence, Dr. Wexler shares crucial insights about recognizing concerning patterns early in relationships.

Understanding Warning Signs
The conversation explores three key categories of warning signs: observed behaviors, historical factors, and gut feelings. Dr. Wexler explains how early relationship behaviors like "love bombing," expressions of contempt, and patterns of entitlement can indicate potential future challenges. The discussion examines why psychological abuse often creates deeper lasting impacts than physical abuse through its systematic erosion of self-esteem and autonomy.

Questions Answered in This Episode

• What are the top three warning signs of potentially abusive relationships?
• How can someone distinguish between healthy attention and concerning obsession?
• Why do people sometimes ignore clear warning signs?
• What role does family history play in relationship patterns?
• When is couples therapy helpful or potentially harmful?

Key Takeaways

• Early relationship intensity ("love bombing") warrants careful evaluation
• Expressions of contempt and entitlement serve as significant red flags
• Personal boundaries and gut feelings provide valid assessment criteria
• Understanding attachment patterns helps explain relationship choices
• Self-blame often prevents recognition of concerning behaviors

This episode provides valuable tools for anyone navigating dating and relationships, offering practical guidance for evaluating potential partners while maintaining healthy boundaries. The discussion emphasizes empowerment through awareness rather than victim-blaming, acknowledging that while warning signs exist, many relationships can provide safe, healthy connections.

Additional Resources

Dr. Wexler

• Book: Choose Him Wisely
• Relationship Training Institute
• Online Course for Family Law: Conversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts Law Prf

Professional Development

• Invite us to speak at your organization
• New Ways Training (work, mediation, divorce)
• Conflict Influencer Class (for personal life)

Connect With Us

• Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.com
• Submit questions for Bill and Megan
• Browse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formats
• Find these show notes and all past episode notes on our website

Watch this episode on YouTube!

Important Notice

Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

• (00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault
• (00:42) - Dr. David Wexler
• (02:41) - David’s Book Choose Him Wisely
• (03:42) - David’s Background
• (09:23) - Warning Signs
• (14:25) - Obstructions
• (23:18) - Psychological vs. Physical Abuse
• (26:53) - From Victim to Abuser
• (30:33) - Where Is the Line?
• (35:09) - Gut Feeling Test
• (38:07) - Counseling and Couples Counseling
• (43:34) - Wrap Up