Intent Matters: Influence vs Manipulation

Is your leadership style accidentally putting your team on the defensive? When people feel threatened, they stop thinking creatively. In this episode, negotiation expert Derek Gaunt shares how Tactical Empathy^®—the same approach used by hostage negotiators—can build deep trust and psychological safety, transforming tough conversations into your greatest advantage for alignment, innovation, and growth.

Download Episode Transcript

Show Notes:

• Tactical empathy—the intentional use of emotional intelligence to recognize and articulate another’s perspective—is the foundation of every effective negotiation or sensitive leadership conversation.
• Leaders who default to authority build resentment; team members may comply only at the surface level and secretly resist or seek passive revenge.
• Trust, instead of authority, generates loyalty, engagement, and team buy-in, empowering members to stretch beyond their comfort zones for a shared mission.
• Seeking input isn’t just about changing course; it builds “credit” with your team and ensures stronger collaboration and more innovative solutions because people feel known, heard, and included.
• Any conversation where you “want” or “need” something, even a positive opportunity, makes you a perceived threat because you’re asking someone to leave their status quo and face discomfort.
• All team members instinctively react to these perceived threats, but if you remove yourself as a threat, team dialogue instantly shifts from defensive to open, innovative, and solution-focused.
• The C.A.V.I.AA.R.^™ mindset (Curiosity, Acceptance, Venting, Identifying, Accusation Audit^®, and Remembering) can help you mentally prepare for any difficult conversation, from performance reviews to new growth opportunities.
• An Accusation Audit—pre-emptively naming likely concerns—can help you reduce resistance and create open dialogue, especially when asking for change or sharing tough news.
• Labeling and acknowledging emotions (both your own and others’) moves conversations out of reactive mode and into productive solution-finding.
• Sequencing is key: first, discover perspectives; then, guide with your insights; finally, lead the way to action and accountability.
• Documenting challenging conversations isn’t just HR best practice—it’s a strategic tool for creating clarity, ensuring accountability, and protecting your company’s culture and momentum.
• Avoiding tough conversations keeps organizations stuck, while proactively engaging with conflict builds resilience and better results.
• It’s important to not only know your default conflict personality (assertive, analyst, or accommodator) but to adapt it to connect with different types on your team.
• True influence aims for a mutually beneficial outcome, unlike manipulation, which is solely self-serving.
• The highest cost of avoiding a difficult conversation isn’t discomfort—it’s the stagnation and misalignment that silently drain your company’s potential.

Resources:

Ego, Authority, Failure by Derek Gaunt

The Black Swan Group

Never Split The Difference by Chris Voss

What You Need to Know About Tactical Empathy^®