Criticism entails blaming a problem on a partner's personality flaw, while contempt involves looking down on one's partner with superiority, which can harm the immune system of the recipient. Defensiveness and stonewalling are common responses to criticism and contempt. Defensiveness leads to counter-attacks or playing the victim, while stonewalling involves shutting down and disengaging as a response to feeling overwhelmed. These behaviors, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, can lead to destructive patterns in relationships, often triggered by a lack of understanding the hidden agendas behind conflicts.
No matter how much you love your partner, your relationship will never be totally free from disagreement. And nor should it be, say researchers Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman. We actually just need to learn to argue better.
The Gottmans join Dr Laurie Santos to talk us through how to raise complaints with our partners and how to react when they complain about us.
Further reading: Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection by Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman.
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