The Dance of Collusion

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Self-deception often masks the truth that individuals may provoke negative behaviors in others while simultaneously claiming to dislike those behaviors. This unspoken dynamic creates a collusion where both parties unwittingly engage in actions that justify their negative perceptions of one another. Rather than being true conflict, these interactions resemble a choreographed dance, with each individual mistreating the other to rationalize their own bad behavior. This cycle reinforces inward mindsets where each person views the other as an obstacle or a means to an end, resulting in an unhealthy exchange that perpetuates resentment and blame.

Mitch Warner: Leadership and Self-Deception Mitch Warner is a managing partner of the Arbinger Institute. The Institute has authored three best-selling books and helps leaders transform their organizations by enabling the fundamental shift in mindset that leads to exceptional results. Now in its fourth edition, Leadership and Self-Deception: The Secret to Transforming Relationships & Unleashing Results*, is today one of the top fifty best-selling leadership books of all time. Shifting behavior in a sustainable way requires us to change our mindset. In this conversation, Mitch and I explore how self-deception gets in our way and how we can take the first step by seeing others as people. Key Points In many cases, we are the carriers of the very problems we are complaining about. We often resist this reality. We often assume we aren’t the cause of problems because of our good intentions. Mindset drives our behaviors and the effectiveness and influence of those behaviors. Seeing someone as less than a person causes us to see the world in a way that justifies our judgement. Too often, conflicts manifest as people provoking another’s behavior in order to justify themselves. Our own justification is an indicator that we may be wrong to being with. Viewing others as either better or worse than ourselves creates justification that prevents awareness and change. Get outside of yourself by meeting to learn about them. If the relationship has been strained, consider meeting to give. Resources Mentioned Leadership and Self-Deception: The Secret to Transforming Relationships & Unleashing Results* by The Arbinger Institute The Arbinger Institute Interview Notes Download my interview notes in PDF format (free membership required). Related Episodes How to Compare Yourself to Others, with Mollie West Duffy (episode 582) Help Your Team Embrace Growth Mindset, with Eduardo Briceño (episode 644) The Way to Handle Oblivious Leadership, with Robert Sutton (episode 667) Discover More Activate your free membership for full access to the entire library of interviews since 2011, searchable by topic. To accelerate your learning, uncover more inside Coaching for Leaders Plus.