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284. How to Deal with Emotionally Immature Partners & In-Laws with Lindsay C. Gibson

We Can Do Hard Things

NOTE

Navigating Relationships with Emotionally Immature Partners and In-laws

Parenting involves setting boundaries and taking care of one's needs, serving as an example for children to learn from. It is important to give what you can to others while ensuring you have plenty left over for yourself. Setting boundaries with grandparents can be done by being honest about availability and involving them positively in the family. It is acceptable for feelings to get hurt during boundary setting, as it is a learning process with no expert guidelines. The ultimate goal is to maintain energy for the immediate family and determine effective boundaries through trial and error without aiming for perfection.

00:00
Speaker 2
Yes. Shit. I didn't think that's where we were going, but now I just don't even want to go anywhere. Let's just stay here forever. Let's stay here right here forever. And then Lindsay, it's so beautiful because I hear Amanda saying, but then how do I help my daughter navigate this relationship with her mother? But like all parenting, you won't even have to, Amanda, because your daughter will see how you do it, which is that you take care of your own needs, that grandma gets whatever leftovers you happen to have. You won't have to tell your daughter because she will see how it's done. Exactly.
Speaker 1
Yes. And to the extent that you can put it in towards so much the better, because you know, those mental concepts really help guide us even before we get into the thick of it with the other person. But the idea is that if I were speaking directly to Amanda, again, I would say Amanda, you have to decide what you can give to grandma and still have plenty left over. That's an important distinction. It's not decide what you can give to grandma. It's give what you can give to her and still have plenty left over. So that when she leaves, you are not collapsing on the couch and watching junk TV all night because you can't even relate to anybody because you feel so tapped out. So the idea is that you're going to let her know in whatever clumsy, scared, differential way you want to do it, that you can't do a visit this afternoon or that no, it's not really going to work out for this weekend. Or you really need to call and I'll tell you how the day is going because the baby is kind of up and down. She's not on the schedule yet. I don't know how to plan things and I'll be happy to tell you where we are that day. But I have to depend on you. Here's giving grandma a job. Yes. I have to depend on you to contact me and check it out with me so that I can let you know when we could really enjoy our time together. That gives grandma a positive goal, gives her something to do, makes her part of the family. Now she's helping. Yes. And so you can approach things in that way and you're finding your boundaries in the relationship. And like I said, you don't have to do this gracefully. You don't have to be so adept that you're navigating this in a way that nobody gets upset. It's okay if they get upset or their feelings are hurt or your feelings are, I mean, who's an expert in this? Nobody. It comes out of the blue usually and you have to do it on the fly, on the spot. That's okay. But if you keep your goal straight that I want to have plenty of energy left over when this visit is done. And this is about me and my baby and my husband and whoever else having enough time and energy to keep our family afloat. That helps you to know when you need to set these boundaries. And then you'll find out as you try them out, whether or not it worked or whether that was enough or whether it was too much. I mean, you'll figure that out if you're not holding yourself to some perfectionistic
Speaker 3
standard.

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