Gospel Centered Marriage

Often when someone is going through a hard time they will talk about “working on” or “processing” their pain. Those sound like concrete phrases. If someone is “working on” a fence, we can safely assume hammer, nails, or paint is involved. If a store is “processing” a purchase, we can assume they are shipping the product and passing the finances through their accounting department. But in the relational or emotional realm phrases like “working on” and “processing” become highly ambiguous.Similarly, in the church, we talk about “God’s will” as if it were a clear concept, but often we feel as confused as someone who lost a loved one and is trying to “do grief.” We think God’s will is something we should naturally know how to pursue. The fact that we use the phrase “God’s will” frequently only makes this misconception and the accompanying insecurity worse. In this chapter we want to answer two questions that will help us know what we’re talking about when we talk about “trying to find God’s will” for a decision: (1) How many ways does the Bible define “God’s will”? and (2) How should we think about finding God’s will?Answering these questions will set the stage for chapter three, where we will provide principles for personal decision making that are essential for the health of a marriage between two perpetual decision makers (i.e., people).  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Trying to learn how to make decisions, as an individual or as a couple, can feel a bit like trying to learn how to breathe. It seems like something that has to be natural in order to be effective. If we had to think about breathing, then we’d fear getting distracted and suffocating. When we think about being intentional in our decision making it can quickly feel like such an effort would take over our lives.There is good deal of merit to this concern. If we tried to bring overt thought and prescribe processes to every individual or marital decision in order to ensure that we arrived at the will of God, then our lives would be paralyzed. We would live in fear or fail to complete a large number of tasks that life requires. But we’ve all been burned by the alternative. After a bad decision we put on our “20/20 Hindsight Glasses” and see how greater intentionality could have alleviated the unpleasant outcome. We begin to think it would be “worth it” to run our decisions through some kind of process. But it’s hard to determine what level of decision warrants this process (where’s “the line”?) and what kind of process to use for each decision.These challenges emerge before we introduce the difficulty of two-party decision making required in marriage. It is hard enough to answer these questions as an individual, but they are multiplied when married couples must both agree (mental consent) and cooperate (logistical follow through) on decisions.These are the challenges we are tackling in this seminar. In order to address these challenges, we will divide decision making into three arenas. Too often, couples try to force all decision making to fit into one or two of these arenas. They may do this for convenience (but simple becomes simplistic) or conviction (emphasizing some part of what Scripture teaches to the neglect of other parts). Either way, their life lacks balance and begins to show the corresponding wear-and-tear.Personal Decision Making (Disciple; Eph. 5:15-17): The foundation of a healthy couple is two individuals committed to wise personal decision making. We must be a faithful disciple of Christ before we will be a good husband/wife to our spouse. It is neither possible nor advisable for a couple to consult each other on every decision they make. Shared values, agreed upon life structures (i.e., calendar and budget), and appreciation for what is important to each other comprise the foundation of personal decision making that will bless a marriage. We will discuss how to approach personal decision making in chapters two and three.Consensus Decision Making (Friends; Eph. 5:21): Another large portion of marital decisions will be made as friends through the process of consensus. This is how two individuals begin to shape “our life” together that represents the new “we” more than the individual “me’s.” As a couple grows in their knowledge and sacrifice for another, this arena of decision making should become the significant majority of their shared decision making. Consensus should be the default approach to decision making throughout marriage. How to approach consensus decision making will be discussed in chapter four.Corporate Decision Making (Headship-Submission; Eph. 5:22-31): Not all decisions can be made through consensus. Couples will not agree on every decision. Some decisions do not allow for a “middle ground” because of limited options. How and when to engage the headship-submission style of decision making will be discussed in chapter five. But a brief preface will be made here. The fact that God gives husbands the role of headship in these kinds of decisions does not mean the husband must/should choose his preference in each instance. While the final call does belong to the husband, it is an unwise husband who always calls his own number.Before we take this journey, take a moment to reflect. Knowing where you want to go is only helpful if you know where you are. The three points above tell us where we want to get with this seminar, but use the remainder of this chapter to assess where you and your spouse are beginning this journey. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Momentum is a gloriously dangerous thing. It can either propel you forward or cause you to crash. If you have made it to this point in the process (not just the seminar), then you have created a lot of possibilities that will either greatly enhance or deter your personal, marital, and spiritual life. But either way, at this point something significant will happen.While debt is a powerful negative force of slavery (Prov. 22:7), money is a powerful neutral force. Well-managed money does not necessarily equal a well-managed life. There are plenty of rich people who have intense mid-life crises and accomplish little of eternal significance with their assets. At the same time, there are many in the lower and middle socio-economic classes who live with great peace and impact the world for God in profound ways. The point is this; a budget is a means to an end. We make a budget for the same reason we buy a plane ticket – to get somewhere. While the destination is usually clearer when you buy a plane ticket, the amount of movement (ticket-geographical; budget-character) is about the same. The goal of this chapter is to ensure that you experience both aspects of freedom (financial and spiritual) that God intends from implementing the financial wisdom Scripture prescribes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It is the rare (but wise) couple who begins planning (budgeting) before they begin doing (spending). From the moment he asks, “Will you marry me?” there are more expenses than there are funds available. Most couples have accumulated debt even before they start planning their wedding, honeymoon, and life together. The result is that most couples have debt to eliminate (chapter four) before they can move toward short-term and long term saving (chapter five). The absence of a financial plan generated a false freedom facilitated by debt. Hence, we tend to associate the elimination of debt more with the loss of freedom. But this perceived freedom was (a) never really ours and is (b) actually a delayed bondage.In this chapter we will seek to answer the question, “How can we live debt free?” in two ways. First, we will look at the best way to get out of debt. In this section we will talk about the priorities and steps necessary to pay off your debt. Paying off debt is hard and without a plan that is well-structured and that you are confidant in, you are likely to quit.Second, we will look at ways to live more economically in order to accelerate debt elimination. But the focus of this section will not be mere frugality. The recommendations will focus on family practices that cultivate a healthy marriage / family life. Most of what we did to get into debt did not significantly benefit our marriage. But the things that we do to get out of debt can generate both financial freedom and a lifestyle that enriches your marriage. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this chapter we will take the journey from mere numbers on a piece of paper to a living document that directs your life towards your family mission and values. Embracing this distinction is the difference between something you will try-and-quit and a lifestyle change that you’ll embrace and advocate for others. The purpose of a budget is more than mere number-awareness, but spending your life on purpose for the distinct reasons God created you.This chapter will read like “step work,” but it is not a recovery program. We are going to try to be highly practical and assume nothing. It takes an average of 3 months before these steps are smooth enough to only take 30 minutes per week, but they will get you to the place that you can run your home finances in less time than it takes to watch a sitcom.Interspersed with the practical steps, comments will be made to continually re-orient you from mere number-crunching and document-surfing back to how budgeting enables you to spend your life on purpose and enrich your marraige. Logistics are necessary for longevity, but logistics alone will not fuel our perseverance. While this chapter focuses on the practical, do not lose sight of the big picture that orients the “how to” back to the “why.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Budgets are a victim of prejudice. Everyone hates them, but most people who hate them don’t really know them. They have only heard budgets talked about badly and have embraced that negative sentiment as their own. Or they take a simplistic caricature of a budget and deride it to make them feel better about their own budget-less existence. They make jokes about budgets to reinforce the idea that these are absurd, slavish documents that should be ostracized.Here is the challenge of this chapter – get to know what a budget really is. Start a conversation about budgeting that is free from prejudice. Recognize that what you studied in chapter one were the lies propagated against budgets meant to bias your opinion. Efforts at budgeting tainted by these lies will cripple your ability or willingness to do what is required in budgeting. This turns into self-fulfilling failure that reinforces the biases of a financially-irrational, debt-sick culture which mocks the wisdom of “spending less than you make” and “intentionally knowing and tracking where your money goes.”Treat budgeting like a co-worker that you were lied to about on his first day on the job and for the first couple of years these lies coerced you into disliking him. You interpreted their every action and conversation through these lies. You have now come to learn that the lies were false, and you want to get to know them for who they really are. The lies were believed and acted upon long enough that you still have to battle your instincts, but you know battling these biases is both the right thing to do and the only way to learn the truth about him. To help you in this process, we will seek to answer two questions in this chapter:What Is a Budget?How Do We Start a Budget? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Imagine you’re on the Family Feud game show. The host comes to you and says, “We’ve surveyed 100 families and asked what they believe is a good idea, but still don’t do. Can you give us one of the top five answers?” There is a good chance if you answered, “Budgeting,” you would have the #1 answer.There is no one who really believes, “You can neglect paying attention to your finances and expect everything to turn out fine. Spend what you want, when you want, try not to be excessive (but don’t define “excessive”), and you should be alright.” We would roll our eyes and laugh as we read this if it were not the reality in which so many people tried to live.There are many reasons why families don’t use a budget. Unless we examine these “reasons” (a.k.a. excuses) they will either seem valid or insurmountable. Until we debunk or re-frame these “reasons” all of the practical advice provided in the rest of this seminar will just be “good ideas” that we “should do” and feel guilty not doing. Then we would just try not to think about it in order to avoid the guilt until we have our next “marital money fight” or a financial crisis.That is the purpose of this first chapter – we want to address the reasons we don’t have or follow a budget so that we are ready to implement the things that we all know we should do. As you read this chapter be honest with yourself and your spouse. Allow this chapter to generate important conversations that are usually only engaged defensively during a money problem or disagreement. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

C.S. Lewis hit the nail on the head when he wrote, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive (p.115; Mere Christianity).”  We instinctively realize there are few gifts that we can give or receive which are more precious and costly than forgiveness. With a bit of reflection, we realize that forgiveness is not something we can give ourselves (contrary to the popular notion). It is something that must be given at significant personal cost to the giver. This is what makes forgiveness so precious. Those things that can only be received and not achieved have an indefinable value – forgiveness is on that list.While it may not be the most popular topic on the marriage seminar tours, there are few skills that predict the longevity and quality of a marriage like the ability of each partner to forgive. Those couples who have an accurate understanding of what forgiveness is (and is not), and are willing to apply their understanding have an essential skill for navigating the inevitable hurts and failures that will be experienced within a marriage.Yet misconceptions and fears about forgiveness cause many people to be cynical about this essential part of a healthy marriage. Often those who struggle to forgive significantly misconstrue what it means to forgive.For this reason we will take our time getting to the practical commitments of forgiveness. Our goal is not merely to give a biblically accurate definition of what it means to forgive, but to remove the false assumptions and defensive rebuttals that cause us to resist viewing forgiveness as a blessing – not only to our spouse and marriage, but also for us personally. In this chapter we will address five major subjects.What You Don’t Need to Forgive Options Besides ForgivenessWhat Forgiveness Is NotWhat Is Forgiveness?Emotions and Forgiveness Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The first half of this seminar was about preventing the need for repentance – the better we understand the challenges of communication, how to listen well, and engage in day-to-day communication, the less we will need to repent. The last chapter was focused on limiting the severity of what we have to repent from – the better we understand what makes conflict spiral, the less damage our sin will do. But no amount of writing on this topic will remove the need for both husband and wife to be excellent at repentance.If we want a healthy marriage, we must begin to view repentance as a skill to master rather than inconvenience to avoid. Any marriage material that does not teach on repentance as a vital part of maintaining unity is dangerously naïve about the human condition. To avoid the subject of repentance is to assume that we are going to get everything we’ve been learning right every time there is an opportunity to apply it – doubtful. You need to be able to read this introduction without a sense of dread. Repentance done well is incredibly romantic because it says, “I value our marriage more than my pride.” Moments of sacrifice are always powerfully bonding. When we sacrifice our pride through repentance it bonds us with the one to whom we are repenting. Of all the investments you can make in your marriage, this will likely be the most impactful.As you read this chapter, it is important that you think of three “time zones” related to repentance.Past: How can I repent well before a conflict begins (much conflict is sparked by unrepentance)? Present: How can I repent well during or immediately after a conflict (to minimize its negative impact)?Future: How can I follow up my repentance with the fruit that would demonstrate genuineness (Matt. 3:8)?This chapter will be broken into two major sections: (1) What is repentance? and (2) What are the marks of genuine repentance? The first section is intended to equip you to be excellent in the past and present “time zones.” The second section is designed to help you be excellent in the future “time zone” of repentance. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The best outcome for marital conflict is neither avoidance nor victory, but honor and unity. We must realize how much the mindset we take into conflict determines the outcome of our disagreements. Many of us feel like conflict is inherently wrong and, therefore, whenever it occurs, feel defeated. Others of us are competitive and when conflict arises have an instinctual “game on” response that generates a “refuse to lose” mindset.Conflict done well can be the best friend of your marriage. This is not a nicer recasting of the mantra “fight hard; make up hard.” It is a reality rooted in the “two sides of the same coin” relationship between love and anger.            “Anger is the fluid that love bleeds when you cut it (p. 97).” C.S. Lewis in Letters to MalcomWhen we get angry or experience love we are saying that something matters a lot. When we get sinfully angry we are saying that this “something” matters more than our spouse (at least in that moment). When we express self-control we are saying that our spouse matters more than this “something.” This is why conflict done well is romantic – it affirms the value of the marriage over life’s circumstances or people’s failures and creates an atmosphere of safety.Is it natural to do conflict in a way that blesses your marriage? No, if it were, there would be no need for so many books on communication. In the next two chapters we will consider the key skills to getting conflict back on track after it goes poorly – repentance and forgiveness. But first, in this chapter, we will look at the journey into conflict using four questions to guide our thinking. Should we address a particular hurt, concern, or disagreement?How do we determine what we disagree on?How, when, and where should we have these conversations?For what do we need to be most on guard during conflict? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.