Better Sex

Flow State and Dance 3 years ago Ode discovered Flow – The Psychology of Optimal Performance and picked up dancing again after so many years of not dancing regularly. This reversed her stressed-induced high blood pressure diagnosis within eleven months. Now, she uses dance as a mechanism to help her clients alleviate stress-related anxiety that hinders performance, and to spark creative insight to problem-solving in various work, learning and life environments. Flow State Ode joins me on this episode and discusses using dance to access a flow-state. Her first experience with flow state was through dance. According to Ode, research shows that flow improves anything you apply it to. While flow may seem a spiritual experience, Ode explains that flow is exhibited by highly successful people. For many of us, we would have heard it referred to as “peak performance.” DOSE As a testament to the success of flow state, Ode shares that it transformed her sex life with her partner. She explains that this is caused when neurochemicals are triggered when we move our bodies. The common chemicals released in the flow state are commonly called DOSE: Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin and Endorphins. Ode explains that the process involves the body going into a calmer state and then releasing “happy chemicals” so the activity you are doing is enjoyable. She reveals that the flow state can happen during specific activities. These are usually activities that require actively using your brain and using your senses to focus on the present. Dance is one such example. “ Flow is intrinsically motivating” We learn that when we perform a certain action, it should be enjoyable and come naturally without being calculated. Background Specialist in deep embodiment, Afrojuju Dancer, peak performance researcher, and former bedside nurse, Ode has been using the tight link between beliefs and mind/body connection since she toured as a praise dancer with a prolific evangelical group partaking in missions across rural regions of West Africa for 10+ years. She has been dancing since the age of 5, showcasing performances along the streets of her village with her dance groups. She’s vastly knowledgeable in various African dance styles, rhythms, movements and beats. She understands the neuroscience that underpins body movements and enhanced performance. Ode holds 2 bachelor’s degrees – Management and Registered Nursing, an Associate degree in Social Works and a long-term mentorship under some of the world’s top Flow Scientists and researchers. She lives in Naples Florida with her husband and 3 boys, avid anglers and boaters who love discovering the 1,000 islands that surround the SouthWest Florida Keys one island at a time. Resources and Links https://www.instagram.com/Odedixon1 https://www.facebook.com/odedixon More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/137-dance-flow-state-and-sex-ode-dixonWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Dating Again Marni shares a great tip for figuring out what entering the dating world would be like. After gathering the stories we have about it in our minds, she suggests that we challenge the stories that could turn into fears or excuses. Her method is light-hearted and creative but really eye-opening! Entering the dating arena after a while can require a bit of preparation. Marni recommends practising dating by targeting the areas you are less comfortable with like dressing or confidence. For those surviving divorces or reaching their golden years, Marni encourages you not to run away from dating but lean in and take a step in a direction that could lead you to happiness. Marni shares advice on communicating openly as a vital element when dating to ensure both parties are clear on where each stand and if there are any concerns or issues upfront. Dating While Parenting She shares advice for parents in the dating world – advocating that time is separately allocated for dates and that your expectations regarding your partner’s role in your kids’ life are clearly voiced early on. Where to Find a Date If you are wondering where you can meet your perfect partner, Marni recommends Match.com. From her findings, dedicating at least 30 min a day to one chosen app should return decent results.   Beware of free apps like Plenty of Fish. Marni warns that these sites can be cumbersome.  She mentions a few niche sites that you can find in the links below. “Be the person you want to attract” Marni has experienced people unexpectedly finding partners within their current circles eg: work, clubs they belong to etc. She suggests dressing well and being aware of the habits and interests of people around you when you are looking for that someone special. A connection can happen in the most unexpected place.   You will also hear her view on matchmakers. She reveals the right age for trying matchmaking services and what people generally look for.   How Does Dating Work Today? With men having to adjust to the times, Marni explains that their biggest fears include rejection and being perceived as predators. For this reason, women need to be much more direct about what they want. Paying can be a grey area for many. Marni’s advice is fair and allows men to express their chivalry and for women to reciprocate in return when the time is right. Safety An absolute must is safety during dating. Marni shares some great tips in terms of defining available time upfront and not using your personal environment as a venue for your first meeting. Red flags include your potential date refusing a video meeting! Dealing with Quarantine Funny, thoughtful ideas given by Marni reveal how easy and special dating can still be if you are in quarantine. For those that just need to abide by social distancing, Marni suggests hiking or picnics within the rules.   Background Marni Battista is a certified professional Dating and Relationship Coach and expert writer. Her work can also be found in Cosmopolitan Magazine, Yahoo! Shine, Huffington Post, YourTango.com, CupidsPulse.com, Men’s Fitness, Glamour and more.   She has also had appearances on major television networks, including CBS and ABC where she has been a guest on Loveline (filling in for Dr Drew!) and Dr Phil, on nationally broadcast radio shows, such as On Air with Ryan Seacrest, and on Youtube Channels, like Off Air with Sisanie.   Marni’s weekly dating and relationship podcast, “The Dating Den,” has more than 25k downloads per month and she was named one of the 10 Best Women’s Dating Experts by @DatingAdviceCom. Resources and Links https://datingwithdignity.com/ https://www.yourchristiandate.com/ https://www.fitness-singles.com/ More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/136-back-into-dating-marni-battistaWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this episode, Dr. Kleinplatz introduces her findings around “optimal sexual experiences” based on actual interviews she performed. After much research, she shares these eight components couples need to have to eventually reach an optimal sexual experience: 1. Being totally absorbed in the moment 2. Sharing a connection with your partner 3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy 4. High levels of empathic communication 5. Fun, laughter, exploration and good risk-taking 6. Authenticity 7. Vulnerability 8. Transcendence Her findings show that people begin to seek these experiences around their mid 50’s. Part of the process of discovery is unlearning much of what we know about sex growing up. Spontaneity arises as one of the behaviors to “unlearn “ as Peggy candidly shares her views on this. Anyone can get there! Peggy has found that people with chronic illnesses are enjoying magnificent sex! In an unexpected twist of events, Peggy’s co-workers proved that presumed stereotypes are false. She shares that consent is a major piece of the puzzle and contributes to empathic communication. Peggy educates us about moving from good to magnificent sex explaining that getting to know each other on an ongoing basis builds trust to explore deeper levels of your relationship. We learn about differentiation and how it impacts reaching optimal sexual experiences while identifying that therapy has to be customized to each individual. To reach for the optimal sexual experience goal, Peggy highlights that respect for each other is crucial. Resources and Links Website: http://www.optimalsexualexperiences.com Book: Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers (http://routledge.com/9780367181376) Background Peggy J. Kleinplatz, Ph.D., is a Professor in the Faculty of Medicine and Director of Sex and Couples Therapy Training at the University of Ottawa, Canada. She was awarded the Prix d?Excellence in 2000 for her teaching of Human Sexuality. She is a Certified Sex Therapist and Educator. She is the Director of the Optimal Sexual Experiences Research Team of the University of Ottawa and has a particular interest in sexual health in the elderly, disabled, and marginalized populations. Kleinplatz has edited four books, notably New Directions in Sex Therapy: Innovations and Alternatives (2012), winner of the AASECT 2013 Book Award, Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures with Charles Moser, Ph.D., M.D. (2006) Sexuality and Ageing with Walter Bouman, M.D. (2015). She is the author with A. Dana Menard, Ph.D. of Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers In 2015, Kleinplatz received the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists Professional Standard of Excellence Award. Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/135-optimal-sexual-experiences-dr-peggy-kleinplatzWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Senior Sex Joan tells us that being a senior sex advocate is her third career. She lived as a high school English teacher until a car accident made her acutely aware of the privilege of being able to be and stay mobile. She tells us that insight inspired her to become a fitness trainer, group exercise instructor, and health and fitness writer. After falling into what she calls a “planet-shattering” romance at the age of 57, she understood that great sex was a crucial element of romance at any age. Her research into overcoming the challenges of senior sex and increasing the passion and intensity of senior sex revealed an empty market niche, encouraging her to jump into the market by sharing her own experiences and adding her own research to the topic of senior sex. She explores the misconception that sex is no longer experienced in old. She says that many believe that when people are older, they give up their sex lives and take up crocheting instead. “I have nothing against crocheting,” she says, “but it’s not sex.” Challenges of Senior Sex Joan admits that senior sex is not the same as the sex people have in their twenties. Bodies age and change, and she suggests that our sexual history can impact our sex lives. She tells us that many people presume their sex lives are irrevocably declining when their knee arthritis prevents their favorite position, they take too long to orgasm, their erections are unreliable, penetration can become uncomfortable or intercourse may not feel as good as it used to. Joan believes that hurdles like these can be overcome when they’re acknowledged out loud and discussed with our partners. She admits that sometimes these are medical issues, while others are best solved with creativity, research, and an enthusiastic partner’s work. Responsive Desire Joan mentions that many elderly men and women insist that their desire to have sex is gone. To combat this belief, Joan describes writing a blog post on hotoctopuss.com about the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Many people believe that if spontaneous desire goes away, they no longer want to have sex, but that’s inaccurate. Responsive desire, she explains, exists when your body begins to engage in sexual activities, and you slowly develop a real desire and passion for sex while you’re engaging in the act. Spontaneous desire, where a person knows they’re aroused and wants to have sex actively, often fades with age due to the hormones encouraging sexual reproduction declining. People who only experience responsive desire claim that they never really care about sex until they’re actually doing it—at which point they care very much! Joan argues that this responsive desire is just as intense and valuable as spontaneous desire, it just appears during instead of prior to sex. Joan’s webinars talk about communicating needs, knowing your needs, as well as scheduling sex, and creating responsive desire. She says that her books, blogs, and webinars help people respond to and understand their current needs and abilities, and guides people through the conversation. Benefits of Senior Sex Joan assures us that senior sex can be better than the sex young people have because the elderly know what they like sexually and in other areas, they’ve learned to communicate very well, and they’ve gained the perspective to understand many problems as easy to overcome or as entirely unproblematic. She implies that elderly men and women have outgrown the shame and reticence most young people feel about sex. In her work, she notices older people are better at truly focusing on the pleasure their bodies are capable of creating, while young people are often fretting about minor bodily imperfections or other insecurities instead of being fully in the present moment. That isn’t to say no seniors have hang-ups about sex. Jane describes the prejudices her generation internalized about the topic. She informs us that her generation was told not to talk about or have sex until you’re married and that women who don’t have orgasms during intercourse—as most women can’t—were called frigid. She says she is currently working on a webinar to work through this process and help seniors find the words to talk about attaining great sex. Scheduling Sex Joan believes that especially for couples without spontaneous sexual desire, it can be sexually rejuvenating to set a date for sex. She explains that seniors can see that date on the calendar and that will cause them to think about sex more often. Scheduling sex also allows for planning the event with special underwear or a romantic setting or any number of other, enjoyable ways to improve sex and foreplay. Joan suggests scheduling time to talk about sex and the physical and emotional changes that occur as people age. She insists that this can’t be accusatory. It’s meant to inform your partner about your changing body and needs and to invite your partner to do the same. Sex Surveys and Seniors Joan has been disappointed by surveys surrounding sex, because they often don’t poll the elderly about their sex practices at all. When they do include the elderly, she mentions that they don’t ask the right questions. Usually, she says, they ask whether you’re sexually active, which is a nebulous term. She believes it would be illuminating if people writing surveys would ask what kinds of sexual activities people are utilizing at different ages. On air, she considers that she could do some of this research herself. Another worthwhile survey question Joan suggests is, “What is interfering with your sexual pleasure?” Joan suggests that trouble reaching orgasm, not having a partner, and not having a vibrator could all be included in such an open-ended question. Losing a Partner She says her book, Sex After Grief was written after she lost her great love. Joan found herself trying many, many things to try to come back to her sexuality after losing her husband. She recounts her journey and shares the methods others used to overcome grief. She explains that there are many ways to regain your sexuality after the death of a partner, and though no single path exists, this book will help you navigate the loss of your partner and the return to your sexual self with insight and compassion. Sex in Nursing Homes Joan has written some about sex inside nursing homes, where you’re kept apart from others, cannot lock the door, and are given no privacy. She says there are a few nursing homes where sexual rights are a priority, based upon the belief that assisted living home residents should not be treated as prisoners. She says that it’s important to research nursing and assisted living facilities to determine whether they have policies in place to enable sexual activity in their facilities. Sexual Rights She explains that it’s important for the elderly to discuss what sexual rights their partners have before their mental state deteriorates or their body becomes too infirm to allow sexual activity. She says that if their partner can’t provide sexual or romantic love, or they themselves are too senile to remember their spouse, it’s important to make decisions about whether their partners finding love elsewhere is blessed or discouraged. Background Joan Price is an advocate of ageless sexuality encouraging seniors to reclaim and rejuvenate their sex lives. A public advocate of senior sex since 2005, Joan has written five books to help and sexually engage seniors: Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved, The Ultimate Guide to Sex After Fifty: How to Maintain—or Regain!—a Spicy, Satisfying Sex Life, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, Better than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, and Ageless Erotica. Joan narrated and collaborated with Jessica Drake on her award-winning, explicit educational film “Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Senior Sex.” Joan maintains a newsletter and a blog on senior sex, and she created an entertaining, free webinar to encourage safer sex among the elderly. Resources for Joan Price: https://joanprice.com/ https://joanprice.com/blog https://youtu.be/efGXHzf19Bs http://eepurl.com/cx2Nab https://seniorplanet.org/author/joan-price/ https://www.hotoctopuss.com/senior-sex/ More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/134-senior-sex-joan-priceWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Vanessa shares that she’s always working to make people’s sex lives better, but the idea of forming a personality test for sex began from hearing her clients talk about sex in very different ways, inspiring her to take notes and investigate what people truly desire and require in their sex lives. These notes developed into a system that identifies 11 different personality types based upon what people need, want, and hope to get out of sex. The Decompressor Vanessa’s survey describes decompressors as people for whom sex is about stress relief, blowing off steam, and getting to that sense of relaxation that ensues once sex is over. She clarifies that people who use sex for this reason often talk about the joyful, restful afterglow than about sex or anything that precedes sex because reaching that state is their real goal. The Explorer Explorers are all about novelty in sex. They like trying new things and experimenting. She explains that this type doesn’t always enjoy everything they try sexually, but they still appreciate the novelty and variety of their experiments. Fair Trader For the fair trader, sex is all about reciprocity. They want a balance between giving and receiving in bed. The Giver She explains that the giver views sex as a gift that they give to their partner, and they enjoy giving much more than they enjoy receiving. They like focusing on their partner and their pleasure instead of their own. The Guardian Vanessa identifies guardians by their need to have safety and security around sex. She says they care very much about boundaries and enthusiastic consent in sex. She reveals that for some people, this emphasis on safety and consent is the result of previously enduring sexual abuse, but she admits that others simply like for sex to be safe and enthusiastically enjoyed. The Passion Pursuer This type loves pursuing all-encompassing, intense, passionate, and even animalistic sex. She says this type of lover is very in tune with the energy between them and their partners during sex, and she tells us they want to feel like time stands still, leaving only themselves and their partner in the world. The Pleasure Seeker For pleasure seekers, Vanessa describes sex as being all about feeling good. They care about the simple pleasure of enjoying their bodies interacting with someone else’s. The Prioritizer For this type, Vanessa explains sex must feel like a priority in the relationship. She explains that they need to feel desired by their partners, and to believe that their partners are not making excuses about being tired or too busy for sex. She notes that they value consistent, frequent sex and require partners who will work to keep sex a regular activity. The Romantic For romantics, it’s all about the connection they feel to their partner during sex. She continues to say it isn’t really about the physical act or the hedonistic pleasure for them, but the emotional bonding and intimacy that sex engenders. The Spiritualist Sex is about spirituality and connecting to a higher energy or purpose for spiritualists, Vanessa explains that for them sex is a transcendent experience. The Thrill-Seeker Thrill-seekers most enjoy sex that’s forbidden or taboo. They enjoy kink, power plays, dominance and submission. She says that if there’s a twinge of this is naughty or we shouldn’t be doing this, that thought only intensifies the sexual thrill-seeker’s enjoyment Sexual Personalities in Action Vanessa has heard all of these motivations for sexual activity in her practice, but she emphasizes that people will typically combine two to three personality types in their love lives. She describes the purpose of the quiz as a conversation starter that helps people understand their sexuality and learn how to discuss sexuality with their partners more clearly. The decompressor, explorer, giver, and passion pursuer are what Vanessa sees most often, but she emphasizes that all of the personality types are very common. An Online Quiz Can Help You Discern Your Type Vanessa informs us that there is no need to read and reread descriptions to find out the sexual personality types of you and your partner. Her team is finishing up a quiz that can be found at vmtherapy.com to take out the guesswork. She insists that her personality type quiz is meant to be lighthearted, but it can lead to genuine discussions and discoveries that can hopefully improve people’s sex lives. Tricky Pairings Vanessa affirms that it’s common for people in a loving relationship to have different sexual personality types, but she believes that all of them can work together, even if some pairings require more communication before sex to ensure mutual satisfaction. She discusses that guardian types and the thrill-seeker can be a tricky combination to navigate because one wants regimented and well-guarded environments while the thrill-seeker aims to bring in more, new, different, and potentially dangerous activities. However, Vanessa mentions that people who are into BDSM are usually proponents of safety and enthusiastic consent. Under those or similar circumstances, she assures us that the guardian and the thrill-seeker can be a fantastic combination. She also mentions that the pleasure seeker can be at odds with the spiritualist. She explains that the spiritualist wants to create a transcendent experience and basically leave their body behind, while pleasure-seekers are focused on enjoying their bodily pleasures of orgasm and sensual, very physical, touch. However, she insists that this pairing can work out by having conversations focused on finding ways for both of them to have their needs met. Talking About Sex Types One way that Vanessa suggests people can compromise about their sexual desire is to take turns while emphasizing their partner’s type during sex one day, and their own type another day. She also suggests that it could be fun to run through all the personality types and play with every manner of sex. She mentions that taking the sex quiz and talking about it to your partner can be a fun and playful method of entering into a discussion that reveals each partner’s true desires and allows those desires to manifest in bed. Background Vanessa Marin earned bachelor’s degrees in Human Sexuality and Sociology from Brown University before attaining a master’s degree in counseling psychology. Her writing has been featured over 1,000 times in periodicals as prestigious as The New York Times; Allure; Lifehacker; O, The Oprah Magazine; Harper’s Bazaar; Refinery29; and Real Simple. With her sister Jennifer and her husband Xander, she specializes in online courses like The Passion Project: A Couples’ Blueprint to Rediscovering Desire and Reigniting the Spark and Finishing School: Learn How to Orgasm. Resources for Vanessa Marin: https://vmtherapy.com/ https://vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-passion-project/ https://vmtherapy.com/how-to-orgasm More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/133-sexual-personality-types-vanessa-marinWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Katherine explains her initial interest in sexual pleasure gaps began with her journalistic coverage of the search for a female version of Viagra. She describes being intrigued by the prevalence of the notion that there is something fundamentally wrong with women’s level of sexual desire. She argues that feminine sexual desire is an ephemeral state that stems from myriad sources and appears as a final state that is or isn’t reached. She says it’s not a single trait that can be manipulated directly. Upon seeing this attempt to manipulate female sexual desire, Katherine began to interview women about their own sexual desires and what brings them sexual satisfaction. Men and Woman Experience Sex Differently In broad strokes, Katherine explains the Pleasure Gap is a measure of social inequality. She explains three intersecting ideas, the first being the differences men and women give in the accounts of sexual experiences. She says men report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than women, they achieve orgasm more readily, and are happier with their sex lives overall. She also informs us that men feel less stress, pain, and anxiety related to sex. By contrast, she tells us women commonly report low desire, absent pleasure, muted or unfulfilling orgasms, sexual aversion, and disinterest. She points out that women beat themselves up for feeling that way about sex. Katherine reiterates that these are common female experiences of sex, but women are prone to blaming themselves for their problems. She suggests that even women who report some satisfaction during sex may not be experiencing the event completely. Katherine mentions one study in which 50% of female participants reported having an orgasm when the scientific monitors for orgasms indicated no orgasm had occurred. She says this suggests that women’s education about their bodies and their possibilities is distressingly subpar. Female Sexual Dysfunction Curious about this disparity in human feeling, Katherine shares that many women express sexual dysfunction, asserting that their genitals feel numb or dead, all while lab tests report ordinary, healthy function of those organs. In other words, she noticed that women were responding physically to sex without any pleasure or intimacy being experienced in their brains. She suggests that because the mental and emotional aspects of sex are so important to women’s pleasure, that medications that aim to help women enjoy sex by affecting their genital performance miss the mark. Sex in Media vs. Sex in Life The third gap Katherine mentions is the gap between the sex we’re sold in the media and the sex we actually want and find fulfilling in life. She suggests that our modern notions of a liberated identity suggest that women should want and exude sex constantly, but real women often experience the opposite reality. She suspects that the problem is rooted in the lack of education women receive about sex and pleasure. Ms. Rowland also cites the stereotypes that men, the socially dominant sex, are supposed to desire lots of sex, while women are limited to being a gatekeeper restricting sexual access. Katherine believes that women need to be taught that pleasure is worthwhile and healthy so that they can feel comfortable exploring what gives them pleasure and allows them to enjoy sex. What genuinely leads to satisfying good sex is intimacy, freedom of expression, creativity, safety, and being empowered to explore what genuinely turns you on. The Effects of Sexual Trauma Sexual trauma and abuse can also hinder women’s experience of their bodies according to research. She explains that women with this history may feel numb and distance themselves from the experience of sex or be hyperactive and hypervigilant during sexual encounters, leading to them feeling too stressed to enjoy sex. Women Katherine talked to also noted that women are inevitably objectified in pornography, which can lead to women objectifying themselves, instead of seeing sex as an avenue to express their own desire. What Woman Want She tells us that the scant research available on what makes good sex suggests that sexual satisfaction has nothing to do with the physical aspect of genitals coming together. Feeling fully present and in the moment—often achieved through mindfulness and the like—and feeling overwhelmed and encompassed by their experience to the extent of forgetting about daily obligations are markers Katherine found in women’s reports about good sex. Katherine also found women asserting a need for safety, and the need to feel confident exposing the full extent of their sexuality with their partner. She mentions that many women who discuss transcendent sex often describe it in spiritual terms – as if sex is a way to break into people’s spiritual interiors as a homecoming in the other person. What Women Can Do to Improve Their Sex Lives Katherine asserts that her book is not proscriptive, though she does provide resources for self-inquiry and erotic amplification. Katherine does suggest that women can try to shut off the external noise distracting them from sex as much as possible to increase sexual immersion. She also suggests that they can explore their bodies and fantasies to enhance their knowledge of their bodies and their sexual experiences. Background: Katherine Rowland holds a masters in Sociomedical Sciences from Columbia University. At the same university, she was a National Science Foundation Graduate Research fellow in medical anthropology. In the past, she published and served as the executive director of Guernica. She’s contributed to Nature, the Financial Times, Green Futures, the Guardian, the Independent, Aeon, Psychology Today, and more. She is the author of the Pleasure Gap. Resources for Katherine Rowland: https://www.katherinerowland.com/ https://www.amazon.com/Pleasure-Gap-American-Unfinished-Revolution-ebook/dp/B07RKW3FZ7 More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/132-the-pleasure-gap-katherine-rowlandWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Living with MS Six months after her daughter was born, Kimberly stopped nursing, and soon went completely numb on the left side of her body. An MRI uncovered that she had 8 lesions on her brain, which she says led to a quick diagnosis of MS. While her MS has been in remission for 12 years, her prognosis could change at any time. Despite her remission, Kimberly tells us that situations exist that can still trigger MS symptoms. She informs us that many people with MS have trouble with heat which affects her sight. Difficulty swallowing and walking and feeling a tingling along her body are also common, she explains, especially in the heat. At a psychological level, Kimberly reports that people with MS have to live with a great deal of the unknown, as they can’t guarantee their level of functioning from day to day. Support for the Newly Diagnosed Kimberly tells us that many support groups exist for people newly diagnosed with MS, some of which can be found in the Resources section of these show notes. She recalls when she was first diagnosed, she thought MS was a death sentence, which she now knows is incorrect. However, she counters that while MS doesn’t kill, it does hinder functionality, which she found devastating enough to trigger all the classic stages of grief. She attributes her acceptance of MS and her emotional recovery to the love and support of her partner. Difficulties with Sex in MS Ms. Castelo points out that many people with MS are depressed, which leads to wide usage of libido-lowering SSRIs. Even without SSRIs to reduce sex drive, Kimberly informs us that 85% of women and 90% of men with MS suffer from sexual dysfunction. For both genders, Kimberly tells us about spasticity issues, generalized pain, and difficulty moving legs that can impede sexual function. Kimberly says that another common problem is that MS affects the bowels, causing some people to lose bowel control during sex. She warns that people with MS can fall into having obligatory sex to please their partners, which she describes as incredibly damaging. She believes that sex should prioritize both you and your partner’s satisfaction, never just one person’s. Kimberly explains that the partners of MS patients can suffer too. Many partners become caregivers, and amongst partners who become caregivers, switching hats to make sex possible can be difficult, especially when their partner needs a lot of care. Kimberly encourages caregiving partners to compartmentalize moments and force themselves to have fun and playful events as well as their required caretaking. Another problem amongst caregivers that Kimberly sees in her practice is that people operating as caregivers often don’t share their own struggles. In those cases, she reminds caregiver partners that humans enjoy helping each other, and by not sharing their struggles, they are depriving their partners of that joy and intimacy. Helping partners with problems, she asserts, is also empowering to the partner with MS, because they are given the opportunity to be a caregiver as well. Improving Sex with MS Kimberly says that for people partnered with someone who has MS, it’s important to allow space for grief before they can begin problem-solving. After the grieving gives way to acceptance, she states that couples may be surprised to discover that sex with MS can create phenomenal sexual connections due to the incentive MS creates to explore new avenues of sexuality. It can even raise the quantity of playful erotic moments in people’s lives. She describes her concept of daily erotic moments as simmering with her clients. Just like making a soup, she suggests that first, you get things started, then it starts to smell good, then better, and in the end, it’s so amazing that you have to eat the stew. She mentions that having multiple sexually intimate moments throughout the day can produce an identical effect. Expanding the Meaning of Sex Kimberly suggests expanding the definition of sex is important. She says it’s not just about genitals touching genitals. She says it’s about flirting, touch, cuddling, holding hands, passionate kisses, and learning to bring those acts to a level that facilitates deep pleasure and connection in both people. She teaches that slowing down sex to accentuate and be more mindful about each action increases the eroticism of life. She insists that sex can’t just be about genital-to-genital contact and orgasms. Sex Therapists and MS When you’re figuring out how to plan sex and keep it romantic, when is a good time to have sex to avoid fatigue, and how to get involved in sex in the first place, Kimberly says a sex therapist can help. She also suggests that sex therapists can help MS patients and their partners figure out how to really connect emotionally and share their sexual challenges with each other. She says sex therapists can help couples plan sex around the best times of day to avoid the crushing fatigue of MS. Despite popular conceptions that sex should be spontaneous, Kimberly says people with MS in particular need to schedule sex sessions. She also warns that it can be difficult to cope with partners about the changing, day-to-day pains that people can feel with MS, but therapists can encourage communication, creativity, and being mindful and appreciative of sexual actions that don’t involve intercourse. Background: Kimberly Castelo is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Certificated AASECT Sex Therapist, and a Certified ETF Couples Therapist. As a Certified Integrated Intimacy Professional, she believes in treating mental health in a holistic way, exploring individuals, couples, family systems, sexual health, medical issues, and spirituality to create a full picture of her clients’ lives and resources. As a woman who’s lived with MS for 13 years, Kimberly intimately understands how medical maladies can influence the mental health of families and individuals. This experience combines with her training to provide invaluable insight into relationships and sex. Resources for Kimberly Castelo: https://www.healingmomentscounseling.net/ https://www.nationalmssociety.org/ https://mymsaa.org/ More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/131-ms-and-sex-kimberly-casteloWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Diversity in Jewish Beliefs and Practices Dr. Shy describes Jewish law as a corpus of Jewish religious requirements. He explains that every aspect of life has regulations to help Jews proceed through life. He discloses that there are disputes within the Jewish community about who can interpret Jewish law, leading to different sects of Judaism being formed, each with their own practices. Dr. Krug reminds us that he can only share his own interpretation and some alternate views he’s encountered personally and professionally. The Spirituality of Sex in Judaism The doctor describes Judaism as a sex-positive religion that appreciates the human body and human experiences. He emphasizes that Judaism encourages its adherents to elevate the mundane and the physical to the holy through thoughtfulness, intentionality, and restriction. He says Judaism contains many laws and restrictions on sex that are meant to transform a potentially carnal act into a holy union that increases both people’s connection to each other and to God. He tells us that in the Jewish view, conceiving a child is an act involving three people: the man, the woman, and God. He counters this interpretation of Jewish law by describing smaller, rarer sects that see sex as a necessary evil that should be experienced infrequently. He states that many people with this belief see sex as a necessary transaction that occurs within marriage. The Sexual Power of Jewish Women Dr. Krug mentions there is a Jewish law that requires men to satisfy their wives sexually. He explains that a man cannot demand sex from his wife, but a wife can demand sex from her husband. He clarifies that a man can tell his wife that he’d like to have sex, but compelling her to have sex isn’t licit. This imbalance of power can create tension when the man wants to have more sex than his wife, but he tells us Orthodox couples often mitigate this disparity by refocusing on sex as a holy and intentional act, rather than a purely physical drive. He implies that the absence of desired sex allows men to reinforce the intimacy and holiness of sex through the delayed gratification abstinence ensures. Family Purity Laws Dr. Krug describes family purity laws that require men and women to separate when the woman is menstruating. During menstruation and for seven days following her period, he says that Jewish men and women cannot interact sexually. Dr. Shy describes several protective barriers many employ to fulfill this law, like sleeping in separate beds, not sharing food from the same plate, not passing things to each other, and not feeling each other’s weight. When two people sit on the same couch cushion, he explains that they feel each other’s weight when they move; he informs us that Orthodox Jews avoid doing this during this part of a woman’s cycle to avoid the desire to touch each other that such closeness might incite. While the Bible does not give the reason behind these restrictions, he informs us that Talmudic sources extrapolate that physical distance encourages couples to focus on the verbal and emotional elements of their marriage and maintain the excitement of sex. Premarital Sex Dr. Shy asserts that premarital sex is prohibited in Judaism. He informs us that some Jews will avoid all physical contact with potential mates and many Jews avoid being alone with each other altogether. He informs us that in the most right-wing forms of Judaism, girls and boys are kept apart and schooled separately, allowing them to reserve all sexual education until their children are old enough to marry. Some Jews, he tells us, do have premarital sex and cohabitate with partners before marriage, but those practices are not widely accepted in Orthodox communities. About Masturbation While he admits that some Jews do masturbate or utilize pornography, he points out the clear Biblical prohibition of masturbation, which he defines as the spilling of seed to avoid pregnancy. By contrast, he explains that because women do not spill their seed, they are permitted to masturbate, but they are advised to restrict the frequency of their masturbation and focus on maintaining their marriage’s intimacy first and foremost. Sex Ed in Jewish Orthodoxy Sects vary in their approaches, but he describes the modern Orthodox sect teaches about sexual health, puberty, relationships, and communication in middle school. By high school, he informs us that students are educated about masturbation, pornography, and healthy sex practices. He says that modern Judaism acknowledges that people are sexual beings and that it’s important to acknowledge and understand human sexuality. He explains that marriage classes also inform the youths of the laws surrounding marital relations, family purity, and the ritual baths women must take monthly. He says that developing intimacy, foreplay, and discussing the origins of sex outside of the bedroom are also covered in these classes, though he tells us more right-wing sects will clothe the education in more modest language. Condoned and Prohibited Sex Acts While Dr. Shy clarifies that some rabbis condone sex acts like oral sex and manual stimulation as long as ejaculation always occurs inside the spouse’s vagina. He reveals that teachings vary with regard to women receiving oral sex, with some saying men can perform oral sex on their wives if it’s dark or he doesn’t look at her vagina. Dr. Krug admits that Orthodox Jews are often allowed to utilize sex toys and engage in manual stimulation. He emphasizes that the law that women need to be fulfilled during sex is so important that many rabbis will bend rules if it helps women achieve orgasms. Laws about Homosexuality Dr. Krug conveys general agreement that homosexual sex between men is prohibited, but even with that blanket prohibition, some homosexual sex acts are seen as more illicit than others. He explains that some rabbis will guide homosexual men towards performing sex acts that are less harmful because continuing practicing Judaism is considered more important than practicing every law successfully. Dr. Krug remarks that Judaism understands that people do not choose their sexuality, and rabbis do not turn people away for being gay. What About Sexual Dysfunction? Dr. Shy tells us that some Jews might go to their rabbi first when they struggle with some form of sexual dysfunction, while members of more liberal sects may consult their medical team first. When rabbis are faced with a man experiencing problems like premature ejaculation, he says they will understand it as a physical problem that can prevent procreation and as an issue that can forestall marital intimacy and spiritual health. As such, Dr. Krug remarks that many rabbis will relax the normal laws against things like masturbation for as long as the prohibited act is part of the man’s medical treatment. Gentle Advice for Gentiles Dr. Krug suggests that the intentionality and mindfulness surrounding sex can help gentiles improve their relationships. He gives the example of sensual massage, saying that being fully present while touching and being touched improves the act. In general, he believes that being motivated by the higher goals of emotional intimacy and the sensual act of truly being present for your partner can enhance sexual and emotional intimacy. Background Dr. Shy Krug holds a PhD in clinical psychology from Fairleigh Dickinson University and a B.A. in psychology with a minor in biology from Yeshiva University. At the James J. Peters VA Medical Center in the Bronx, NY, Dr. Krug parlayed his pre-doctoral internship into a two-year post-doctoral fellowship assessing and treating post-traumatic stress disorder and Gulf War Multisymptom Illness. Subsequently gaining a certificate in Sex Therapy from The Buehler Institute, certified training in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, he is now a staff psychologist in the general outpatient department and sexual health clinic at the James J. Peters VA Medical Center, where he supervises and teaches the internship program. Dr. Krug also has a private practice in the Upper West Side of Manhattan where he treats sexual dysfunction, relationship difficulties, anxiety, and trauma. Resources for Dr. Shy Krug: http://www.drshykrug.com More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/130-sex-and-orthodox-judaism-dr-shy-krugWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

To reach an ADHD diagnosis, Dr. Tuckman reports that a 45-minute interview is required. With the media coverage of young boys with ADHD, Dr. Tuckman says that most clinicians can diagnose childhood ADHD accurately, though he notes that girls aren’t diagnosed as often as boys. He suggests that clinicians might expect ADHD more often in boys than girls, leading to them not noticing the symptoms. Ari says that adults with ADHD also have a harder time being diagnosed, partially because their symptoms vary a little. Grown men and women almost never display the hyperactivity of ADHD youths, he admits, but forgetfulness, poor time management, losing things, and high distractibility continue to impact people’s personal and professional lives throughout adulthood. He shares that adults with ADHD frequently realize they have ADHD themselves in what he calls a two-for-one: Parents bring in their child for an assessment and realize they also display ADHD symptoms, leading to simultaneous diagnoses. Adult women with ADHD can be particularly difficult to diagnose, according to Ari. He tells us that they often present with anxiety and depression, but he reports that most clinicians stop their analysis there, when the root cause of their mental anguish stems from poor executive function, poor time management, and other, similar symptoms of ADHD. ADHD Symptoms Dr. Tuckman explains that it’s easier for people with ADHD to maintain focus on more interesting activities and on tasks that have a strict, close deadline. Being consistent and reliable are difficult tasks for people with ADHD, admits Dr. Tuckman. In these scenarios, partners with ADHD often lament their lack of reliability, while partners without the condition hate seeing themselves turn into a nagging spouse. Dr. Tuckman describes another scenario where one person who likes everything organized in a rational manner, marries someone who isn’t as attentive or consistent about item placement at home. He says this often becomes a power struggle when what is needed is a method of reconciling their differences by coming to a compromise. He informs us that partners with ADHD will genuinely commit to the compromise and will often fulfill it for a few days, but before long they get derailed by things like getting home late, work difficulties, or not sleeping well the night before. He adds that this also leads to nagging and relationship struggles. ADHD or Simple Laziness? Ari asserts that ADHD is characterized by a failure to actualize good intentions. He describes people with ADHD as genuinely intending to fulfill their responsibilities, and he tells us that they are aware of the positive and negative repercussions that will occur if they do or don’t—for example—take out the trash. They’re often angry at themselves for neglecting their duties and breaking their promises. Dr. Tuckman assures us that adult ADHD isn’t purely about forgetting to perform menial tasks. He says they often forget things that outright hurt themselves, like leaving their lunch at home. He contends that their good intentions and their tendency to harm themselves with their disease distinguish them from people who simply want to avoid housework. Sex and ADHD Ari relates that when he was researching his most recent book, he had 3,000 people fill out a form that covered their marital relationships and their sex lives. He found that most people with ADHD enjoy their sex life when they are having regular sex. Unfortunately, Dr. Tuckman discovered several barriers to intercourse including partners not having enough good feelings about each other and the couple not having enough time to have sex. The former problem comes from the power struggles described earlier, but Dr. Hickman describes the lack of time as resulting from getting distracted and consequently taking more time to do things. The ADHD Sex Drive Within the aforementioned survey, he placed several questions designed to measure the sexual eagerness of people with ADHD. By asking how often they masturbate, how long it takes them to get revved up, how frequently they would like to have sex, and similar questions he found that people with ADHD are significantly more sexually eager than people without ADHD. He theorizes that just as people with ADHD tend to be more influenced by what’s going on around them, they may also be more easily influenced by the regular thoughts about sex that float through their minds. He further theorized that having one member of a relationship respond to sexual impulses more strongly can help to maintain the couple’s sex life by incentivizing the intentional pursuit of sex in the relationship. Alternately, he admits that differences in sex drive can create a wedge between the couple. Sexual Satisfaction with ADHD Dr. Tuckman sees a lot of couples in his office who are struggling because the ADHD partner is male, and the increased sexual eagerness of his condition magnifies the already high male sex drive. He says this difference in desire combined with the way women frequently assume chores and tasks often leaves women in relationships with male ADHD patients exhausted and unhappy. By contrast, he found that when women have ADHD, the couple has sex 25% more often than couples where the male has ADHD. He points out that men with ADHD tend to have the highest sex drive, while women without ADHD have the lowest sex drive—a situation that naturally causes conflict. However, Ari explains that women with ADHD and men without ADHD both sit in the middle of the spectrum, with sex drives that are more similar. He speculates that having a similar sex drive between partners may lead to happier relationships in general because the good feelings from sex spill into and enhance other parts of the relationship. Treating ADHD with Medication Ari says that prescribing stimulants to ADHD patients is an excellent idea. He informs us that the stimulants prescribed for ADHD are some of the most effective medications in psychiatry and they’re non-addictive if taken as prescribed. This is particularly important to Dr. Tuckman because untreated ADHD doesn’t just result in poor school performance, but also lowers lifetime earnings, leads to increased car accidents, and even lowers lifespan because of ADHD’s tendency to reduce a person’s self-maintenance abilities and its ability to reduce a person’s ability to seek and comply with medical advice. Non-Medical ADHD Treatments Ari tells us that a lot of great resources are published to help people and their partners cope with ADHD. Seeking out better methods to get things done, get organized, and get on top of things. He suggests that cognitive-behavioral therapy can also help some symptoms. Navigating Sex and Romance When it comes to romantic relationships, he maintains that both partners must come to an agreement that they both can accept. He emphasizes that this does not mean either partner should completely change and do things their partner’s way, as that is unsustainable and avoids the fact that healthy relationships involve a give-and-take that satisfies both partners. He points out that if your sex life is important to you, working on your relationship will help that out. Similarly, he asserts that working to have a better sex life will improve the nonsexual elements of your relationship too. He explains that it’s hard to have a truly intimate sexual experience with someone you’re mad at, but reaching a level of a deep, vulnerable union during sex absolutely colors the hours and days that follow. Background Dr. Ari Tuckman has a private practice in West Chester, PA where he specializes in diagnosing and treating adult ADHD. As a certified sex therapist, he also focuses on couples counseling and sex therapy. He frequently presents and co-chairs at CHADD, the national ADHD advocacy organization, and has been featured on CNN, National Public Radio, and several other media outlets. The author of four books, his most recent is “ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship,” a title that explores the impact of ADHD on romance and sex. Resources for Dr. Ari Tuckman http://adultADHDbook.com More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/128-adhd-and-sex-dr-ari-tuckmanWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Amy noticed that even she was having trouble talking to her own child about sex, and she imagined it would be even more difficult for people without her work background. She discusses the difficulty of discerning the right amount of information to share with kids, especially with the poor cultural examples in the US but reiterates that it’s crucial for parents to push through their discomfort. Amy advises us to look at our own lives, our own sexual decisions and early relationships, and our current relationships to get a good idea of what can happen without quality education about sexuality and relationships. She emphasizes that sex and relationships constitute a lifelong social-psychological health issue and that parents can’t rely on schools to teach these things to their kids. Sexual Health Requires Healthy Relationships A lot of sexual health is about relationships, Amy asserts. She explains that many things can go wrong in relationships that will negatively affect the lives and health of people if they don’t know enough about what healthy relationships look like and what isn’t okay. Amy suggests that parents should want their children to grow up with a lot of information so that they can feel good about their decision-making skills and so that they can build safe, healthy relationships and quickly, correctly notice when relationships become unhealthy. What Kids are Learning Now Amy points out that most people are only getting educated about sex in the 5th and 9th grades, and neither of those sessions is comprehensive in any way. She explains that most young people learn the most about sex through pornography, sexualized entertainment media, and their friends. She points out that this gives kids a lot of very adult information about sexuality without providing them any context for that information. Amy advises that parents contextualize pornography for children. She believes it’s important for kids to know that the models are acting, and they aren’t having real, normal sex. The Limits of Sex Ed in Schools Ms. Lang supports kids getting sex ed, even abstinence-only sex ed because that gives parents an opening to discuss the fact that abstinence-only education doesn’t work. She adds that it even lets parents talk about waiting to have sex until they’re prepared and able to make a mature decision with their partner. But she explains that schools can’t provide a values-based sexual education that aligns with the values of all their students’ families, schools can’t provide enough details about sex, and schools really can’t talk about how sex is pleasurable and not just about making babies. How to Answer Questions Amy tells us that a lot of questions kids ask can be answered simply and directly, but sometimes they’ll ask questions that are more sensitive. In those cases, she suggests admitting to your child that you’re not sure how to answer, and you need time to think about what to say. She explains that hot topics and questions about your own history can be dicey; she advises parents not to air their traumas to their children because she believes it’s important to talk about sex in a way that encourages them to have consensual, safe sex in a safe place. Talking About Rape She says that it’s easier to answer questions about difficult issues like rape and abortion if you already have created an early, strong base with your child about the fact that sex is healthy and fun when it’s consensual. When you have that background and talk about rape with your child, you can emphasize that sex is usually a happy thing adults do, but that sometimes people are bad and force others to have sex. She demonstrates that you can reassure children by saying that even though it’s a sad and scary part of life, it’s something they need to know about, and you’re glad they asked you. Age Appropriate Conversations She says that sex talk starts from birth in the form of discussing anatomy and sex differences directly and with correct terminology. Amy believes children should know how babies are made, how consent works, how families are structured, and what safe touch is by kindergarten, because when they’re that small, they are very curious and absorb the information naturally, and they haven’t yet learned enough of the negative aspects of sex to darken or pervert the facts of life. She highlights that early education about sex does a lot to protect kids from sexual abuse, which should motivate most parents to discuss the topic with their kids. She mentions using the opportunities available to talk about sex in everyday life, from family members becoming pregnant or being gay to people displaying the signs of puberty. Amy discusses that it’s important to address puberty before they’ve completed the process, with 8 and 9 being her specific age suggestion. Parents can look for breast buds in girls to spot puberty, and she says in boys, parents with notice them becoming stinky. By middle school, she believes kids should know the basics of everything about sex, the good and the bad. She suggests teaching them about oral and anal sex, about birth control, STIs, slang, and all about consent and healthy relationships. At this age, she explains that you want your child to be the smartest kid on the school bus so that they don’t internalize false information from their peers. How to Start Sex Talks Amy advises parents to talk about sex on car rides, where the kids can’t run away, but she also says that telling your kids you need to talk with them about a sex thing, and asking them if they want to do it now or later is a good tactic to ensure you have the conversation. She says that it’s often easy to observe the mood of adolescents to see when they’re most receptive and chatty, and those times are good opportunities to talk about sex. As eye contact is concerned, she admits that kids often don’t like it (especially boys), and it’s usually better to discuss sex with kids when you’re side to side. She tells us talking about song lyrics or news items with your kids can create good segues into sex conversations. However you do it, she reinforces the idea that you want them to be well-educated before their peers start talking to them about sex, love, and relationships. Gender and Sexual Orientation Talks Being careful with the language you use about LGBTQ+ issues is important to make certain your child feels welcomed no matter what their sexual orientation or gender identity turns out to be. She recalls that with her own child, she and her husband always said things like, “when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend…” until the boy revealed his orientation and settled the matter. It’s important not to transmit prejudice for gay or trans people to your child, because doing so will make them feel alienated, and can even cause suicide attempts if they are LGBTQ+. Young Girls Coming Out In her professional life, Amy encounters a lot of stories about middle school-aged girls coming out as asexual or bisexual, and many parents ask her what that means. Amy suggests that it may be a result of our culture being more open. Sexual experimentation can be a normal, healthy developmental stage in kids that age, she explains, and some children will feel that doing those things makes them gay or bisexual, while others may be experimenting and exploring their sexuality. She suggests just waiting, always demonstrate your acceptance of whatever they may wind up being, and making sure your kid feels safe being themselves around you. How Can Parents Learn to Support Their Kids? Amy refers to her first book, Birds and Bees and Your Kids was written to help parents figure out their values surrounding sex and gender identity and how they want to talk about the issues. She also has a Solution Center on her website that provides lots of resources. It’s important to think about and prepare your responses in advance, she suggests, to communicate your values more clearly and concisely. She also says that the more parents practice by talking about sex with their kids, the easier it will become. Background: Amy Lang, MA has been a sexual health educator for more than 20 years. With a master’s degree in Adult Education and years of experience as a sexual educator, Amy decided to combine those two fields to help herself and other parents have those conversations. As the host of Just Say This Amy helps parents learn to talk to their children about sex and values. She also authored two books to help parents and their kids navigate romantic and sexual relationships titled Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids – A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs About Sexuality, Love, Relationships and Dating Smarts: What Every Teen Needs to Date, Relate or Wait. Amy lives with her husband and teenage son in Seattle, WA, and can be found online at BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com Resources for Amy Lang: https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/category/podcast/ https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/ More info: Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.com Web – https://www.intimacywithease.com/ Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/ Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/ Source: https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/127-talking-to-kids-about-sex-amy-langWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass