Coming Up for Air — A Toolkit to Help with Your Loved One's Recovery from Addiction & Mental Illness

Motivation drives change. How do you find motivation to change your part of the dynamic, and allow time and space for the process to unfold? It's okay to sometimes feel like maybe things aren't working, then get back on track. If you don't know how to change, Allies in Recovery offers a toolbox. As long as you stay interested and use the tools, things can change.

Radical acceptance involves understanding that much of what happens is out of your control, and using strategies to calm, distract, and soothe yourself. The goal is to avoid catastrophizing -- envisioning and preparing for the worst outcomes. Radical acceptance means letting go of what you can't control, experiencing feelings and pain, but without increasing agitation, reactivity, and suffering.

If your loved one uses multiple substances, use the "functional analysis" to understand which substance to focus on first. Start small, by changing your own behavior in response to your loved one's use. Aim to shift over time. Study CRAFT modules 3, 5, and 6 closely to help make your plans.

After any treatment, when someone is in early recovery, check your  expectations. Your loved one is likely in a fragile state,  uncomfortable, edgy, body wrecked after dependency, and disregulated  physically and emotionally. It's a time of transition, so have realistic  expectations. Be gentle, caring, and connected, not an inquisitor.  Connection is key.

It's smart to avoid giving unsolicited advice. If you receive it, hold  your ground, knowing that you're dedicated to upholding the CRAFT model.  Consider telling the advice-giver to look into CRAFT to understand what  you're doing.

Guest Meme English, a former family therapist and consultant in the legal system, discusses family dynamics. When it comes to substance use, family dynamics are complicated. There are many layers of trauma, from generational to personal, and competing  needs among family members. Balancing all these factors and personal  situations means deciding whose needs get most clearly met. Trauma  therapy also requires time and commitment, and is harder to find since the pandemic.

Let's look at shame and negative thinking and discuss how to slow down, gain awareness, and soothe your system. Our hosts focus on the essential tool of empathy -- especially for yourself -- as a way to  understand what story you’re making up, and change that story by looking for the positive even in difficult moments.

Dominique shares a family’s question about a loved one who’s addressed the most pressing substance use. Should the family now focus on their loved one’s cannabis use? Our hosts discuss harm reduction and the role of the “functional analysis” in CRAFT to address such questions. The analysis involves reviewing what’s changed, patterns and dynamics, and making sure your own behaviors support reduction of use. These actions are subtle, and their subtlety makes them more effective. Even with multiple substances, they recommend addressing one at a time. The functional analysis should keep happening with different drugs, so that you know which behaviors to reward and which to walk away from. The Allies site includes cannabis resources discussing withdrawal and tolerance, and the more-concentrated form of use called “dabbing. 

Even when love is not conditional, there sometimes must be conditions regarding people’s behavior. Love in romantic relationships may change if you break up, but with family members, conditionality applies to behavior, not love. What we as family members can modify is how we react and our expectations. Conditionality goes back to boundary issues – there are edges someone comes to where they must stop what they’re doing. It’s important to note that wishing someone would go away is a normal, protective reaction to difficult feelings.

What do you do in those difficult moments when you feel ramped-up? Laurie and Kayla discuss strategies to back away and not go with the emotion of the moment.