Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Bruce Hammer, based on years of experience as a psychologist, therapist, leadership and organizational consultant, offers more insights on effective interpersonal communication. Today’s episode is part two of my conversation with Bruce. Don’t miss part one, which is the regularly scheduled episode just before this one. (There’s a bonus episode in between because that covers a time-sensitive topic.) Bruce and I had been talking about how we tend to speak in groups, when we have the floor (or the talking stick). We pick up the conversation there and move on to the importance of recognizing that different perspectives are inevitable and will affect how we view – at least initially – our conversations with others. Bruce also noted the value of setting “rules of engagement”: expectations of how communication and conflict will be addressed. The setting of expectations, especially in family businesses where different spheres of life intersect, can reduce the likelihood that conflict becomes destructive instead of creative.

Advice columnist Ann Landers declared April 2 as Reconciliation Day for family and friends. Thirty years ago, a reader wrote in to the syndicated columnist and suggested that a day be set aside for family and friends to extend – and to accept – the olive branch of reconciliation on a day named Reconciliation Day. Three years later, Ann Landers declared it an annual tradition. In some countries, Reconciliation Day is a national holiday relating to the nation’s history. In this case, it’s a more interpersonal context of conflict. These reconciliations can and do happen! And sometimes it helps to have some nudge outside the conflict to get things started. Reconciliation Day, April 2, can be just that nudge.

Bruce Hammer, based on years of experience as a psychologist, therapist, leadership and organizational consultant, explores communication mindset and a number of factors that can help us communicate more effectively. This episode is part one of my conversation with Bruce. There was so much good – as in practical and positive – information that I decided to deliver it in easy-to-digest bites. In part one, Bruce talks about some specific ideas about communication, including the importance of ensuring that the message you intend to send is the one received, as well as ideas about how to do that, including considering, thoughtfully, the particular person we want to understand our message. We also talked about the concept of the talking stick, literally, figuratively, and in video communications, and how useful it can be to the speaker, the listeners, and the group as a whole. All of these ideas are useful in preventing damaging conflict. You can reach Bruce at http://www.hammerassociatesllc.com / or 516.776.0236.

The Good Friday agreement, signed on Good Friday in 1998, brought an end to The Troubles – violence that had plagued Ireland for thirty years. A very powerful and positive illustration of conflict resolution! Former US Senator George Mitchell played an essential role in bringing the parties together to reach agreement. His comments about conflict are inspirational: "I believe there's no such thing as a conflict that can’t be ended. They’re created and sustained by human beings. They can be ended by human beings. No matter how ancient the conflict, no matter how hateful, no matter how hurtful, peace can prevail.”

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Benjamin Franklin is credited with coining this phrase, in the context of comparing fire prevention costs to the costs of dealing with the consequences of fire. Destructive conflict can be seen the same way: prevention can be less costly – in a number of ways – than dealing with the consequences. Some practical approaches to prevention can be worth the effort.

Tara is an experienced litigator, based in White Plains, NY. When we spoke, Tara had recently completed mediation training with Brad Heckman and Christine Daly at the New York Peace Institute. https://nypeace.org/ The Institute is a respected provider of mediation training and conflict resolution services, based in NYC. Although Tara has frequently represented clients in mediations where she serves as their advocate, this training provided a new perspective for her -- and a new view on conflict. Tara compares this type of mediation to the type she has known as a defense attorney, and the difference between serving as an advocate and serving as a neutral third-party. We also discussed her interest in special education and advocating for persons with disabilities. You can reach Tara through LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tarafappiano/

A pachyderm, specifically a mystery animal that turns out to be an elephant, presents an opportunity to consider different perspectives. An old parable from India describes the efforts of multiple people to make heads or tails (pun intended) out of a mystery animal. It’s an elephant, though the different, individual, perspectives don’t help nearly as much as the information gained when all of those perspectives are taken into account. The same can be said of conflict.

Pachyderms, specifically elephants in the room, present an opportunity to think about moving past denial and avoidance of conflict. Many of us know about the idea of the elephant in the room: the large issue that no one wants to talk about, or even acknowledge. I’ve seen this elephant more than a few times in my work as a mediator and I have some ideas to share about how to start to understand it and, even better, how to start to deal with it.

Jeff Savlov provides insights and inspiration from his work with two brothers selling a business. Jeff’s experience in family business and wealth consulting allowed him to both skillfully assist these siblings and to recognize that they exhibited a powerful collection of positive traits that helped the process. Disclaimer: though wonderful, it is highly unusual to see, in one situation, all the traits Jeff identifies here. Typically, one or two of these traits might be present, but not all! Families and their advisors shouldn’t be discouraged when they face conflict and challenges that are not so easily solved. Instead, listen for the love, trust, self-awareness, accountability, remorse, and commitment to action to achieve financial fairness. Listen, too, for ideas about how to nurture these traits in a family. You can reach Jeff at jsavlov@blumandsavlov.com / www.blumandsavlov.com. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

We often assume that conflict is always bad – and what we see around us backs that up. Let’s look at some other perspectives. Conflict can be constructive; at its best it leads to innovation and progress. Because it has so much good potential, it’s worth the effort to do conflict right: with respectful communication and interactions.