Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Last time, I talked about how each of us can find different methods for calming our own emotions. I have talked before about thinking through how to support the other person engaged with you in a challenging conversation to be their best self. Just like you, -- it’s true for all of us – they will be better able to analyze the situation and to make better decisions when they are calm.So, what do you do about it? What you don’t do is tell them to be calm. More likely to irritate than soothe.  What do you do?First, be sensitive to the idea that they may have their own practices for calming themselves.Next, be open to accommodating their calming practices as much as you are able. Not only can that willingness help them in that moment to better engage with you, that gesture can help the relationship itself. And the stronger the relationship, the more commitment people can have to handling inevitable disagreements that will pop up in the future.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

I thank Cinnie Noble, who created the CINERGY conflict management model in which I am certified, for sparking this idea. In her most recent talk with certified coaches, Cinnie reminded us about the importance of allowing – and helping – brains to calm down.When emotions are carrying the day, our ability to analyze a situation effectively and to make good decisions is compromised. We are simply not at our best. Conflict often feels like chaos to us. And chaos allows emotions to come to the fore. Calming your emotions when dealing with conflict is more than just a nice idea. It’s an essential piece of handling conflict effectively.Next time, a few thoughts about that other person’s attempts to find calm in chaos.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Melissa Mitchell-Blitch joins me.  We talk about her book, In the Company of Family: How to Thrive When Business is Personal. Melissa shares some thought-provoking concepts about healthy boundaries that apply to family business relationships and truly any kind of relationship. Ideas about responsibility, hurt vs. harm, and true guilt vs. false guilt. You can learn more about Melissa’s work here: https://melissamitchellblitch.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

In my latest three solo episodes, I’ve talked about watching our spoken language, our facial and body language, and our written language. Often, we will have a choice about what mode of communication to pursue. It’s worth some careful thought. If we take advantage of the opportunity to carefully craft and review what we write, that’s a plus. Sometimes, our tone of voice and our facial and body expressions can soften a blow, express kindness in a way that is harder to do with written language alone. If we know the person receiving the message we are sending, we may know what mode of communication works best for them.You may be familiar with what some call the three-email rule. If the topic can’t be resolved and the conversation completed in three messages, it’s time to move on to another mode of communication: phone, video, or in-person. Spinning your wheels in frustration is an invitation to conflict that you should decline.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

We can carefully draft a message, set it aside, and then calmly review it to determine whether we like how it reads to someone receiving it. Because that is the point, isn’t it? Our own satisfaction with our wordsmithing is far less important than the message received. Written language has a different risk from spoken language: our words can be shared, verbatim, immediately or eventually. Photocopies, scans, forwarded emails, copied texts. A reply to you, including your original message, with a blind cc. Our words can travel far and wide. We need to choose them with care.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Amy Castoro joins me to explore the concept of cordial hypocrisy. What it means and how families can avoid it – including the importance of creating, and cultivating, a family culture of open and honest communication. You can learn more about Amy’s work here:  https://www.thewilliamsgroup.org/.  Or you can reach out to Amy’s assistant here: joan@thewilliamsgroup.org. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Last time, I talked about spoken language. This time it’s body language and facial language. You have likely heard that a very large percentage of our communication is not spoken. Some slips are things you know you shouldn’t do. Let’s focus on what to do about that. Do you know that you are doing it? Try this. When you are talking on the phone with someone who can try your patience, watch yourself in a mirror. Not while driving, please. But look and notice your face, your shoulders, and more.  Are there facial or body actions that you are not really aware of? As with most things, awareness is the first step. If you now know you are doing it, you can work on reining that in.Next, you may be doing something, and you are aware that it might be misinterpreted.If others easily assume that I am miserable about something, they may be guessing wrong about what it is. So what should I do? Name it. Direct and accurate communication to counteract what is indirect and inaccurate.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  

Without much thought, we can use words and phrases that subtly or strongly convey meaning – and do unnecessary harm.  A” blended family” is more positive than a “stepfamily”. “Always” and “never” are words that frequently cause harm (and are often inaccurate). “I” statements can lead to more positive conversations than accusatory ones. Vague words like “you” and “soon” invite trouble. These examples aren’t meant to be exhaustive, but to illustrate how we can pay more attention to the words that we use and perhaps avoid some unnecessary bad conflict. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

Emily Bouchard combines her academic learning, professional experience, and personal awareness to serve blended families. We talk about reframing stepfamilies to blended families, ex-partners to former partners, and bonus parents – examples of the importance of careful language and intentional communication to enable families to thrive. And we hear a taste of Emily’s work with humans connecting with horses in transformational retreats.Emily mentions her book, Beginner’s Guide to Purposeful Prenups. You can learn more about that and her work here: https://emilybouchard.com/Her recent article about the challenge of gray divorce can be found here: https://www.craincurrency.com/family-office-management/gray-divorce-and-remarriage-can-make-things-complicated-family-officeDo you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  

A false start in a conflict situation can appear in different ways. We can create a conflict where none existed or when we make a good faith attempt to resolve a conflict. Of course, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. A concept so fundamental that it was the focus of Episode 11, way back on March 13, 2019.  But if a false start has occurred, remember and take advantage of the fact of the false start – emphasis on “start”. So, let’s start over. If you made an honest mistake, try an old-fashioned apology. Explain, if you can, what went wrong.   If the other person refuses to engage with you and says so, consider offering a cooling-off period of some specific duration.  An agreement to try again at a certain time or date. Take a break, a breather, a pause.  If it’s just crickets, no response at all, think about a good length for a breather – from your perspective and the other person’s, too – and pick it. Take the initiative to try again at the end of that pause.   It’s just the start. Too soon to give up. Worth it to try again and do what you can to set up for a better result. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/