The Good Enough Mother

The imagery of the ‘perfect mother’ is almost the antithesis of the ‘angry mother’. Yet anger is commonly experienced in motherhood, particularly within a modern, western culture of intensified motherhood that places such high expectations on the ways that mothers should behave, feel, act, and live. Because of this, feeling anger when you’re a mother can provoke guilt, stigma, isolation, shame, and have you feeling like you’re not a ‘good enough’ mother. This episode offers insight into the experience of anger in motherhood, where anger comes from, what happens when we’re triggered, and the RULER approach for responding to our anger. I speak about the cultural roots of anger, common responses to anger in motherhood, and encourage us to get curious about our anger. If we framed anger as information, what could it be telling us about our life and our growth? What if we understood feeling maternal anger – and knowing how to channel, process, and respond to these feelings constructively – as actually necessary for both us, and our children? I share some perhaps surprising features of anger, and hope to shift the shame, stigma, guilt and isolation associated with maternal anger, through offering an alternative narrative in considering how our anger can be a constructive and transformational force. *Please note that in some cases, anger can be a red flag for maternal mood disorders. If you feel anger has become an unhealthy, recurring, or destructive feature in your life, please reach out to your GP or email me info@drsophiebrock so I can connect you with support.

Motherhood has many challenges, some that are talked about more publicly than others. One common challenge within mothers’ experiences that isn’t often addressed, is how trauma – particularly childhood trauma – impacts the practice of mothering our own children, and how judge ourselves as mothers. In this episode I speak with trauma-informed Integrative Psychotherapist Catherine Counihan to explore this complex topic. Cath shares with us ‘big t’ and ‘small t’ definitions of trauma, some examples of trauma, and describes how and why our childhood experiences impact our mothering. Part of this means highlighting the infant and primary caregiver attachment relationships, and how our early life experiences impact our mothering today. Cath explains the physiological effects of trauma and offers examples of how this shows up in our interactions with our children. We talk about concepts such as the ‘parentified child’, and how perfectionism and control are key challenges in our experience as mothers. This episode offers you insight into why and how motherhood can be very stimulating from a trauma perspective; the role of both compassion and rage; suggestions for how to ‘widen your window of tolerance’; and what you can do when you feel you’re in a triggered state. You can connect with Cath further @psychotherapy_mum.

This conversation is with Dr Oscar Serrallach, GP and author of the ground-breaking book, The Postnatal Depletion Cure. In both his clinical work, and as a father to his three children, Oscar has witnessed the enormous stress of modern motherhood and the health implications experienced by mothers. He has dedicated his career to addressing what he terms ‘postnatal depletion’. In this episode we discuss what postnatal depletion is, what causes it, as well as treatment and prevention strategies – which are both physiological and social. Dr Oscar discusses neuroinflammation and challenges mainstream understandings of maternal mood disorders, relaying important findings on how postnatal depression is distinct from depression experienced by those who are not mothers. He discusses the changes that happen to a mother’s brain during pregnancy and postnatally, and how our stress response system is impacted. Dr Oscar importantly frames these changes as a ‘superpower’ and highlights the critical importance of mothering-work. We talk about matrescence, why motherhood continues to be devalued, and what our hopes are for the future of maternal advocacy and change.

This conversation is with Sophie Burch, mother of 4 boys including twins, and therapist and coach, who is on a mission to help people maintain their mental wellbeing from pregnancy through birth and parenting. Sophie talks openly about her experiences in mothering her boys, and shares her professional insights and expertise as someone who speaks to parents everyday about the challenges they face in parenting. We reflect on the ways that surrendering, self-compassion, and Sophie’s terminology of ‘softening’ into the most challenging parts of mothering are what help us through. We talk about mindfulness, ‘micro moments’ of self-care, reframing tools, mirroring, and modelling, and Sophie shares with us a brilliant and practical strategy that you can adopt and implement into your daily life as a parent when things feel overwhelming. You can get Sophie’s ‘Beyond Birth Guide’ for early parenting, and join her weekly classes here https://www.themammacoach.com/beyond-birth-guide and sign up for my course Liberate: Your Motherhood Revolution here: https://drsophiebrock.com/liberate/

In this episode I talk with Julianne Boutaleb – a consultant perinatal psychologist and Director of Parenthood in Mind – about the transition to motherhood, particularly in the context of the Covid-19 global pandemic. We discuss the dynamics and importance of the birth environment and postpartum period, and how parents can prepare for how their experience will be impacted by the context of a global pandemic. Julianne speaks about the processes of attachment between a mother and her baby, revealing some of the early attachment needs of a baby that may surprise you. As some of those most vulnerable members in our society, this episode highlights the experience of the baby in transitioning into the world, particularly in the context of Covid-19. We also talk about the changes that happen in a woman’s brain when she becomes a mother, and why mothers and babies are ‘born’ three times. Part of this process of readjustment and transitioning into the ‘mother’ role also can involve a sense of loss and grieving. Julianne offers advice about how we can move through these experiences with a sense of forgiveness, compassion, and gentleness, in order to use this time as an opportunity to settle into a new ‘maternal rhythm’. You can connect further with Julianne on Instagram @parenthoodinmind or through https://www.parenthoodinmind.co.uk/

In this conversation with Carly Grubb, founder of The Beyond Sleep Training Project, Little Sparklers, and Grubby Mummy and the Grubby Bubbies blog, we talk about the consequences of sleep training, the failure of our systems in supporting new parents, the intense emotional load that women carry in our families and communities, and what valuing motherhood means. Carly shares her own story of attending sleep school, and the ways she has used her painful and isolating experience to create what has become a groundswell movement of like-minded parents. The group Carly founded and runs with her team of admins and moderators – The Beyond Sleep Training Group – is approaching 100,000 members. The group supports biologically normal infant and toddler sleep, providing a voice against the tidal wave of the sleep training industry. We talk about the group’s formation, the ways it provides support, what goes on ‘behind the scenes’, what it’s like to run a group of this size, and what is next in stall through the work of the charity Little Sparklers. Part of this involves acknowledging the emotional work, unpaid labour, and personal sacrifices experienced by Carly and her team. This discussion extends beyond sleep training into our everyday experiences as mothers in this society. Having these conversations in public forums requires courage and vulnerability, but Carly’s passion for supporting mothers and babies, and her yearning to see institutional change has kept her going. This is a must-listen for pregnant women, Mums of babies and toddlers, and anyone who is interested in making our society better for mothers and their children.

Let this be a little slice in your day where you take a moment to draw inwards and connect with yourself – even when (and perhaps most importantly when) you are busy multi-tasking in listening to this with while parenting your kids, or driving, or walking, or taking a moment for yourself. I summarize some information for you recommended by Aisha Ahmad – a researcher who has lived through disease outbreaks, war, and long periods of social isolation. I break down her 3 stages of adjusting to a pandemic and talk about how they can help you. I hope for this episode to leave you feeling more connected to yourself and reminded of your resilience.

What does the research actually say on screentime, particularly for young children? I provide an overview of both the detrimental impacts and the ways screentime can be helpful. I apply this information about screentime to the philosophy of good enough mothering and discuss how to integrate screentime into the context many of us find ourselves in working from home with our children. I also offer strategies if you would like to try and limit screentime, as well as ways of how to integrate screentime into your lives in ways that minimize potential harmful consequences. I also discuss how to deal with feelings of guilt, while offering a frank but honest account of the research landscape and how to apply this knowledge into our current context.

In putting together this week’s podcast I reflected on the extent to which our lives and the information that surrounds us at the moment is shaped by this worldwide pandemic. It almost seems as though anything worth discussing needs to relate to the context of the virus. But then I am also mindful of the type of fatigue that we are likely to experience in terms of information overload and feeling like we’re being saturated. With these two aspects in mind, this week I’m sharing what my experience of what self-isolation has been like in mothering my 2 year old without any available social support. I know this is or will be the position of many and so I felt it may be useful to share my experience as an ‘ordinary’ albeit privileged person, within our current context. Sometimes it can feel we’re lost within a sea of statistics and predictions, and it’s through individual stories that we can find anchoring and connection. I hope as a listener you are well and are weathering this storm and holding onto hope.

We generally go through a number of points in our lives where we come to question our identity and who we are: we experience a shift in how we see ourselves, how we experience the world, and what our values are. This episode journeys on a philosophical exploration around what it means to reflect on ‘who we are’ as women and mothers. How we think about ourselves and our lives – both in our memories, the present, and in the future -involves the creation of stories. I explain how this process of story-ing works and why the process of story-making and story-telling is so important in our own lives and the lives of our children. Part of this story-making integrates processes of ‘letting go’ that we move through in mothering, relationships, our working lives, and in grieving and loss. I talk about the meaning and construction of ‘family’, critique advice of ‘everything happens for a reason’, and reflect on the ways we can alchemize our pain, fear, and struggle to lead richer and more engaged lives.