Sex for Saints

I get asked the question all the time, What is a Life Coach and Why do I need one? On today's podcast I will tell you what I do and why EVERYONE needs a life coach! Show Summary So I get asked quite often what a life coach is and why do I need one? So I just wanted to take some time today to tell you about what I do and why having a life coach is such a great thing. I think a lot of people think a life coach is some cheesy person who gives you positive affirmations to repeat so you feel better about things. And maybe some life coaches operate this way, but that is not what I do. As a life coach, I can help you get perspective on your life and your mind. I essentially hold a mirror up and help YOU see where you can make changes in the way you think, feel, and act, so that you get the results you want in your life. Vikki Brock, a coach whose doctoral dissertation had a major influence on the coaching profession said "Coaching came into existence to fill an unmet need, which coincided with the shift away from a model of psychological illness, and toward the humanistic ideal of wellness. And growth." Coaching is about taking healthy people and helping them make their good lives better. A life coach is not a substitute for a therapist who will treat mental disorders and diseases. I don't sit and explore your past or have you retell painful stories that cause you discomfort. I help you look at what is happening in your life right now that is causing your pain and discomfort and help you see how you can make changes that will help you suffer less and be happy, confident, empowered, and at peace in your life. Even if your circumstances don't change. I practice what is called "causal coaching." A lot of life coaches help their clients by fixing the symptoms of their problem. It's the equivalent for treating a broken bone with an over the counter pain reliever. The pain may be gone for a while but the underlying issue is still there, so its ultimately ineffective. But if you treat the actual cause of the pain (the broken bone) then you can actually help them feel better for good. This is what I do. I help you find the cause of the pain and we work together to fix it. As a coach, I analyze your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors from an objective vantage point. I have a different perspective where I can offer suggestions for change and improvement. So how do I do this? I work from a Model developed by Brooke Castillo of the Life Coach School. She is absolutely amazing. I have been studying her work for quite a while now and will actually be getting my certification from her and the Life Coach School in the near future, which I am really excited about. Anyway - she developed a model that I work from that works for ANY problem! I will discuss this model more in an upcoming episode. But from this model I use tools to help people in all areas of their life Marriage and other relationships Money Sex & Intimacy Boundaries Unconditional Love Goals Confidence Grief Parenting Weight Loss Emotional Maturity Processing Emotions So why do I think everyone needs a life coach? Do you remember the first time you saw yourself on video or heard your own voice from a recording? And you were like "That doesn't sound like me at all!" That's why you need a life coach! We see ourselves for who we really are and rarely recognize where we are getting in our own way in life. My coach, Jody Moore, says "You can't read the label from inside the bottle" And sometimes we may be able to recognize some of those thoughts, beliefs, and patterns, but we don't necessarily know how to change it. But I find that most people are unaware of how they are causing their own suffering and pain. Most people think that their pain or happiness come from their circumstances, which is completely untrue. If it were true, everyone who experienced the same thing would feel the exact same way. So that's why I think EVERYONE needs a life coach. I do a pretty good job of self-coaching, but there are times where I still don't see where I am getting in my own way. And that is when I go to my coach and have her help me see those things. So I can continue to improve my life and create the life that I want for myself. So I have chosen to primarily work with people who are struggling in their marriage, who are currently going through a divorce, or who have recently gone through a divorce because I have a lot of experience with that and I've been through it myself. But truly, I can coach anyone on anything. So if you think you may want to try a life coach out, I encourage you to go to my website amandalouder.com and sign up for a free mini-session with me and I will show you in about 20 minutes what a life coach and further sessions with me can do. I hope to see you there!

What does success mean to you? What does a successful day look like to you? What does a successful marriage look like to you? Most of the time we define success with achieving these great goals and often we hang that success on things we can not control. In today's podcast episode, we are redefining success. I bet you are a lot more successful than you think you are! How do you define success? Show Summary Today I want to talk about success. What does success mean to you? What does a successful day look like to you? What does a successful marriage look like to you? Most of the time we define success with achieving these great goals and often we hang that success on things we can not control. Then when something doesn't work we feel awful about ourselves. Let me share with a personal example. I've mentioned before, but I was married to my first husband for 13-1/2 years. That marriage ended in divorce. The world, and a lot of people in it, consider that a failure. For a long time I felt like a failure because that marriage ended. But what I've come to understand and realize, is that I can feel like a failure because I got divorced if I choose to, or I can redefine what a successful marriage means to me. So now, when I think about my 1st marriage, I don't think about it being a failure. I consider it a success! Wait what? Amanda…I thought you said that marriage ended? How can it be a success? The reason I consider it a success is because of how I behaved in the marriage. What I controlled in the marriage. Before I got divorced it was very important to me that I be able to look back and say "I did EVERYTHING I could to make it work" and I truly feel like I did everything I knew how to do at the time to make it work. I kept my covenants I was willing to work on the marriage in every way possible and I loved him as best as I could And even though, at the time, I felt like I was doing everything I possibly could to do what he wanted me to so that he could be happy, I know that I could have never made him happy Only he can do that. Only he could make the changes he needed to make in order to be happy and it really had nothing to do with me. So when I look back on that marriage - I look at my own behavior and what I could control and I consider it successful. So how are you currently defining success? Are you basing your definition on things you have control over? Or are you basing them on others, how they act and their emotions? I have a client who is struggling in her role as a wife and a new mother. She had all these expectations of herself, her home, her marriage and according to her she was failing miserably. Her days never went as she wanted. The baby took up so much time she couldn't get done the things she needed to get done to feel successful. Her husband would come home mad because the house was a mess. She was failing (according to her). I introduced a concept to her I learned from my coach called B- work. I think most of us shoot for A+ work. And if we don't make that we feel awful. We feel like failures. But what if you just shoot for B- work? That usually pretty doable. And if you look at things on an overall scale, some days you can maybe get A+ work and some days you get D work, but it averages out to about B-….so you're good! I asked my client to redefine what success looks like that is something SHE can control and feel good about. Maybe it could be that her baby is alive and she offered food and she did the dishes that day. And if she did that, it was a success! She wondered about her husband, but I reminded her about what we've talked about in previous podcasts…. she can't control his emotions. That's his business. If he wants to be mad, that's fine. Let him be mad. But she can count her day as successful. And if she was able to get accomplished more than keeping her baby alive, offering her food, and doing the dishes it was an even MORE successful day! So let's look at what we can define as a successful marriage. Now yours may be different, but I will tell you what my definition is. I keep my vows and covenants I love him unconditionally That's it. Those are things I can control. That's how I can feel successful. If I can do other things beyond that, GREAT! If I can't…. if I lay my head down on my pillow at night and say "today I kept my covenants and I loved him unconditionally" then I had a successful day. Even if he was mad. Even if I was upset about something. As long as I did those two things, I'm successful. So we talked a little bit about B- work I want to talk a little bit about perfectionism. I hear this a lot, that people are perfectionists. They want everything to be perfect and if its not, then they feel they are a failure. Perfectionism isn't doing just about doing your best. It's actually depriving yourself of the feelings of satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment. And rather than having a realistic gauge of what is good and done and complete, we nitpick and see all the imperfections and everything that is wrong. We are NEVER done. Nothing is EVER complete. Because its not perfect. So if nothing is ever done or complete how do we feel accomplished and successful? We don't! Perfectionism is really a fear of not being enough. That our value as a person is conditional on what we do. Now do we want to go to the other extreme and not try? not care? No! So what I propose to you today is that you set realistic goals, have realistic definitions of what success is and then strive for excellence. You strive to do your best. Without a goal, there can be no real success - Thomas S. Monson So your BEST is NOT perfection. I also want you to see that even if you don't completely reach those goals, the fact that you are even striving for them is making you better. You are a better person just for making the decision to strive for excellence. Each day is a day of decision - Russel M Nelson So I want you to sit down with a pen and paper this week and write down YOUR reasonable definition for success areas of your life. Write down your definition of success in your home, with your children, and in your marriage. Make sure they are things that are attainable and within your control. Remember you can not control others, their actions, or their emotions. These definitions are about YOU. So when you write those down, I want you to set that intention each morning and strive for them each day. After you've done them for a week or so, I want you to go to my website amandalouder.com and go this podcast page - this is Episode 15, and tell me in the comments what your definitions were, how you did through the week, and how you are feeling about it now. I can't wait to hear!

In this podcast I share with you 5 new thoughts that I've personally been working on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really helped me in my marriage. I think they could help you to, or at least get your wheels turning about what new thoughts would help you! Show Summary So today I wanted to talk to you about 5 new thoughts that helped me in my marriage. I've mentioned this before on this podcast, but my husband Kevin and I have been married for just over 6 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. And while marriage is never EASY, some marriages are definitely easier than others, and that is how I feel about my marriage to Kevin. We of course have our struggles, but I absolutely adore him. I am so in love with that man. But even with how absolutely amazing he is and how I feel about him, sometimes I struggle with my own thoughts about myself and our marriage. So when I began getting coached by my own Life Coach, Jody Moore, that is one of the first things I wanted to work on. I wanted to show up as my best self in my marriage because I love him and I want this marriage not just be a good marriage, but to be exceptional. So I wanted to share with you today 5 new thoughts that I've worked on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really changed me and helped me be even happier in my marriage. He can be grumpy and I don't have to be Now this one may sound funny, but its something I've really struggled with . We all have days when we are grumpy, irritated, stressed or don't feel well. But when Kevin would have those days, instead of me continuing to have a good day I would mirror his emotions and become grumpy too. I don't like being grumpy. I have enough grumpy days on my own, I didn't like that when he was grumpy it was making me grumpy. And then when we were both grumpy, it would kind of spiral. So this is one of the first things I wanted to work on. So I decided that if he was grumpy, I didn't need to be. And I often have to repeat that thought in my head…a lot. So here is an example…. On my birthday a few months ago Kevin came home from work really not feeling well, which made him pretty grumpy. But it was my birthday and so I did NOT want to be grumpy too. So i just decided that I wasn't going to be. We took all the kids out to dinner and Kevin continued not feeling well and being kind of grumpy but I was totally happy and fine and had a great night out with the kids. In the past, I probably would have gotten upset that he was grumpy on my birthday and then I would have gotten grumpy and dinner with the kids would NOT have gone well, but I just decided I wasn't going to be and I was going to be happy because it was my birthday and I totally was and it was great. My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love I know..I know… whenever I talk to my clients or other people about this, they are like….yeah right! You don't have any other expectations of him? You don't expect him to go to work or take out the trash or help out around the kids or anything? And I'm like "NOPE" My ONLY expectation of him is that he is there for me to love. That's it. And the reason I decided to think that is because in the past I did have expectations of him. I did expect him to do certain things for me, for the kids, around the house, etc. But if he didn't meet those expectations, I was MISERABLE. I tied my feelings to HIM meeting my expectations. And when he didn't, I made it mean all sorts of crazy things about ME! But I decided to take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings and the only thing I wanted to feel for him was LOVE. Now…that' doesn't mean that I don't sometimes make requests of him. I totally do. But if he doesn't do them, I don't make it mean anything about me. I also think as equal partners in marriage we can sit down and talk about what we want for our life together and for our family and kind of divide up responsibilities. But even then, if he doesn't do it, its not about ME! It's really about him. So I just love him. I love him with no expectations except that he will be there. That's it! Now the next one kind of ties in to that It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that's my job Now we've talked a little bit in previous podcasts about how our feelings come from our thoughts. So if I want to feel validated, worthy, or loved, that comes from my OWN thoughts about myself. He can't MAKE me feel loved… that can only come from me. For example… Say your husband brings you home a bouquet of flowers. Your THOUGHT could be "wow… he is so sweet, I love that he is trying to show me he cares" and if you think that thought then you feel love. But your husband could also bring home that same bouquet of flowers and your THOUGHT could be "why would he waste his money on stupid flowers. I wonder what he did wrong…." and that thought wouldn't produce feelings of love. It would produce feels of confusion, irritation, and suspicion. Do you see what I'm saying. How you feel is totally up to you… Now sometimes our spouses make it EASIER for us to think good thoughts about feeling loved, or validated, or worthy by their actions, but whether we do or not is completely up to us and our thoughts around it. Kevin usually doesn't a pretty good job of helping make those thoughts easy for me. But I still have times when I struggle, but realizing those thoughts are my own and not from him is really empowering. He is doing the best he can, even if that isn't very good sometimes Listen, we are all human. Sometimes I don't show up as my best self. I really am doing the best I can in that moment, but sometimes my best isn't great. And its the same with Kevin. Sometimes his best isn't great. But choosing to think the thought that he is doing the best he can in that moment, really helps me feel better about things sometimes. I hear so many times from my clients and friends things like "My husband comes home late from work and then he just sits and plays video games and does nothing to help me. If he LOVED me, he would come home on time and help me with the kids. I'm tired too!" Now do you realistically think that their husband said to himself "I'm going to come home late from work and I'm not going to help her and I'm just going to play video games because I don't love her." Absolutely NOT! But he's human and sometimes he needs some downtime too. So just realizing that he is doing his best, even if that isn't what you want or its not very good makes a big difference. I know it has with me. He is exactly who he is supposed to be This thought has really helped me because sometimes I wish Kevin was a little bit different with some things. Not much, he's pretty darn great, but there are a few things I wish he were better at. But then I remind myself that he is exactly who he is supposed to be. And that is pretty darn great. I'm sure there are things about me he wishes were a little bit different too. But that's ok too. Ok, so lets go over those 5 thoughts again. He can be grumpy and I don't have to be My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that's my job He is doing the best he can, even if that isn't very good sometimes He is exactly who he is supposed to be I hope you find those thoughts helpful in your marriage too. But if you want some help applying these to your marriage or finding other thoughts that would be helpful, make sure you go to my website amandalouder.com and sign up for a free mini-session and I'd love to help you. See ya next time!

In this podcast I talk about what patience is, what it means to be patient, how we can develop patience, and how important patience is in our marriage. Show Summary So this year in our Stake (which if you are not LDS, a Stake is a geographical boundary comprised of several congregations) we are focusing on a different attribute of Christ each month, and this month that attribute is patience. So on Sunday, we had a couple of talks on patience and it really got me things about what patience is, what it means to be patient, how we can develop patience, and how important patience is in our marriage and in our families. I was thinking back to when I was a young mom and I was really patient with my babies and my toddlers. I didn't get angry at them when they couldn't do something for themselves or they didn't do something right when I asked them or if they did it wrong because they were still learning. They didn't KNOW things yet. So it wouldn't have been ok for me to get upset at them or mad at them for things that they didn't know yet. So I was a lot more patient with them because they didn't KNOW it. Now, as they have grown and have learned more, I've become LESS patient with them because when they don't do something, or don't do it right away, or if they do it wrong or they do something they are not supposed to my THOUGHTS are you SHOULD be doing this or you SHOULD know this or you SHOULD know better. And that is when I get upset. That is when I am not patient. I want you to think back to when you first began your relationship with your spouse. You were probably a LOT more patient with them in the beginning than you are now because they didn't KNOW your expectations or all of your wants and likes and needs. But are you less patient with them now because you THINK they SHOULD know? I also think we are a lot more patient with ourselves when we are learning. Let's think again about a toddler when they are trying to learn new things. Think about when your toddler was learning to dress themselves. They wanted to learn how to do up their own buttons, even if it took FOREVER. They had patience because they wanted to learn. But how many times are we impatient with ourselves or others because we think we should be able to learn it faster? Sometimes it just takes a lot time to learn things. In one of the talks on Sunday she said, "we show patience when we let the Lord work in our lives instead of us trying to force it." And I think that is so insightful. We aren't patient with ourselves or others when we are trying to force the issue instead of it working itself out in its own time. In Mosiah 3:19 it says "becometh as a child, patient." Just as a child is patient to learn how to do up all their buttons on their shirt, we too can be that way when we just let things be learned in their own time, as the Lord does with us. In D&C 92:26 it says "Bear it patiently, your reward shall be doubled" - so when we are patient, the reward is even greater that if we had tried to force the issue ourselves. Think about how excited the toddler is when they did it all by themselves. But if you force the issue, and take over because you can do it better and faster, and they never learn, you miss that. So I've mentioned before that I have a 16-year old daughter, Carly, who is bi-polar. Being her mother is so rewarding, but it definitely has its challenges. Over the years I have had to learn great patience. And really, its only been in the last couple of years that I've seen huge changes in myself with this. For years, I prayed for patience with her and I think the Lord just laughed because I really wasn't doing anything to make that happen. So he wasn't just going to give me patience. I had to work for it. I used to wake up in the morning and pretty much gear up for a fight. Every single day was a struggle with her. But when I started my day with prayer, scripture study, and meditation, my mind was more more clear and when the fights came, I didn't escalate with her (which is what I had done in the past). I had really wanted the Lord to help HER change and what needed to happen was for me to change. For me to make changes to put my mind in a more peaceful place. I also needed to gain more understanding and compassion for what she was going through. She would throw HUGE tantrums, long after she should have been throwing tantrums." and my thoughts were "You are too old to be doing this. You should KNOW better." Which caused ME to be impatient with her. But when my thoughts changed to "what are the thoughts in your head that are bringing out these emotions and how can I help" instead or "there must so much going on inside that you don't know how to control this" and began to really see that she DIDN'T know how to control it, I began to be much more compassionate and patient with her. Now, let's think about this concept in relationship to your marriage. When you are IMPATIENT with your spouse it is because you THINK they should KNOW better and should DO better. Right? But what if they don't? What if they haven't learned that lesson yet? What if trying to FORCE the issue is making it worse? What if you were to drop all expectations of your spouse and the only reason they were there was for you to LOVE them? Now, I know, I know you are like WHAT???? Of course I have expectations of my spouse. But what if you didn't? What if you just LOVED them for them with no conditions or expectations? What would happen in your marriage? Now, having no expectations doesn't mean you can't make requests. It doesn't mean you can't sit down with your spouse and figure out who is going to take what responsibilities as equal partners in marriage. But what if it just meant that you wouldn't try and FORCE any of the issues? That you just acted out of LOVE all the time because you know that always gives you your best results? What if when they did or didn't do something that you don't like, you didn't make it mean things about you? Like - "if he loved me he would do this….or he would just know I need this" or "if he loved me he wouldn't do that" because I guarantee that most of the time they aren't purposely trying to hurt you. They are just oblivious and unknowing, even if they really should know. When your toddler is acting out or doing something, you are acting out of LOVE when you try to help them. Why can't it be the same way with your spouse? So that is patience! Patience is not trying to force issues, but just letting them work on in their own time. Patience is all about LOVE. And when we are acting out of Love we are always our best self.

So when you think about your past, are there things you don't like about it? Are there maybe some good parts that you have forgotten or ignored? Let me show you how you can change your past….or at least how you think about it! Show Summary When I begin working with my clients I ask them to name 10 things that have happened in their life. I ask them to do this because it gives me an idea of what they are focused on. Sometimes they give me a list of big moments, sometimes its chronological, sometimes its all positive, sometimes it all negative. Sometimes its a mix. Sometimes its just the facts and sometimes there's a lot of feelings involved. But its really about HOW they see their life. It's HOW they THINK about their life. If I were to ask you about your past, you'll tell me a story. You'll tell me about how YOU think about your past. But what most people don't really understand is that because its in the past the ONLY thing that effects you today is how you THINK about it. The only place the past exists is in your mind. It's a story. Sure, there may be some facts mixed in there, but most of it is just a story you tell yourself and others. And guess what….because of that, you can change it! I know, I know…you are thinking that I'm totally nuts. You can't change your past. The past is the past and there is no changing it. And that is where you are wrong! You can absolutely change it. You may not be able to change the facts, but you can absolutely change how you think about it. How do you do that? You tell a different story. So let me give you an example - Growing up, I had a great childhood. I was the oldest child with two loving parents. I lived in an amazing neighborhood where everyone looked out for each other and I had tons of friends. I grew up 10 minutes away from both sets of grandparents and was constantly surrounded by aunt, uncles, and cousins. When I was 14, my dad got a new job and I was ripped away from everything that I knew and moved across the country to the East Coast. We no longer had friends and family around. I had grown up in the Mormon bubble of Utah and was horrified by the outside world. I struggled to make friends because very few had the same standards as I did. It was an awful experience. I could not wait to get back to Utah and back to my comfort zone. Ok - that is version one. And everything in it is true. But here is the same thing, told differently…. Growing up, I had a great childhood. I was the oldest child with two loving parents. We lived in a very close knit neighborhood where everyone looked out for each other and I had a lot of friends. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all lived close and I loved being around them all the time. When I was 14, my dad got a new job and we were going to move across the country. I was so excited for this new opportunity. I love change and I couldn't wait to experience something knew. But while I was excited for the experience, it definitely wasn't easy. I struggled making friends because most had different beliefs and standards that I did. But I found that it really made me figure out who I was and cemented my testimony in the gospel. But living back east gave me some new experiences that I never would have had in Utah. I was surrounded by history with Washington DC, Gettysburg, and Philadelphia just hours away. We had tons of visitors and we loved showing them all the sites. When my dad got relocated back to Utah, I was really happy to get back to being around lots of family, because I had missed that. But I was really grateful for the experiences that I had had and how it had made me grow. Do you see the difference? Both stories are completely true. But in the first one I focused on the negative. I did struggle. But as I stated in the second one, it really made me who I am today. It's all about how you look at it. So when you think about your past, are there things you don't like about it? Are there maybe some good parts that you have forgotten or ignored? Choose to remember and focus on them. And when you do, you change your past. Now, I know there are things, horrible things, that have happened in some people's past and you're saying "well thats not just something I can focus on the positive and get over." and I totally agree with you. But it is still a perception of how you look at it and what you decide to focus on after. Now, I am not dismissing things like PTSD, those are completely real and need to be dealt with by a professional, but even things that were traumatic can be helped with thought work. For example - There is a woman I know who was assaulted by a stranger in her home at night when her husband was away. This was obviously traumatizing. Now, she could have continued to focus on it and the trauma and the victimization she endured. She could holed up in her house and not talked to anyone and lived in fear that it might happen again the rest of her life. But instead, she chose to say "this is what happened to me, I'm not sure why, but it did, but it does NOT define me and I will not let it stop me from living my life and blessing other people." You have to LET GO of the things you can't control (and you can't control the past) and ACCEPT the past for what it is but move FORWARD with love and peace for yourself and others so that you can be happy. I understand that accepting some things in your past is hard. But what other choice is there? Really? You can't change the facts, so acceptance and changing the way you think about it is the only way to move forward. And if you need some help doing that, let me know!

Are you one of those people who gets offended by what other people say? If someone says something about you, does it hurt you? Let me teach you why other people's opinions are none of your business…because they aren't actually about YOU. It's really about them! And when you figure that out, it is amazingly freeing! Show Summary In October of last year I was introduced to a concept that changed my life. My life coach told me that other people's opinions were none of my business. There was MY business, God's Business, and other's business. I could control my own thoughts and behaviors, but I couldn't control anything else, and really, it was none of my business. And I was like….WHAT???? As a person who really tried to control as much as I possibly could, this news was life changing. I mean…it seems like it would be common sense, but how often do we try to control and manipulate the behaviors, thoughts, and opinions of others? But realizing how true it actually was, was incredibly freeing! I was learning how to control my own thoughts and emotions, but not having to worry about how others were thinking and feeling (because I really have no control over it anyway) really lightened my load. So I have a few examples I want to share with you that have happened to me in the last couple of weeks. The first story, is kind of disgusting, so I hope I don't gross you out too much. My daughter had a softball tournament and we took our trailer and stayed at the tournament for a few days. On our way home we pulled into our local camping store to dump our black tank. There were already two trailers there dumping, so we had to wait. We watched one of the trailers move back and forth to position their trailer just right. And then all of the sudden they dumped their black tank out on the cement without using a hose to put it directly into the hole! Then they used their water hose to try and spray it into the hole. It was absolutely disgusting and we were flabbergasted! When the other trailer pulled away and we were getting ready to pull into position, I decided to go and talk to the couple. I was really trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and was trying to be really nice about it. I walked up and asked them if this was their first time dumping? (Because I don't know, maybe they are brand new to trailers and didn't know you needed a hose????) They said no and they lost their hose. So still trying to be nice, I tried to explain that you can't just dump raw sewage all over the ground and if they didn't have a hose they should have waited until they got one before dumping. Well this made them pretty mad and the man started yelling expletives at me and calling me pretty much the worst name you can call someone. So I just walked away at that point. My husband (who had been putting our own trailer into position) then took over and told them that he works with the EPA (he is in charge of the environmental stuff at the plant he works at) and what they were doing was illegal. That he was taking pictures of their license plates and would be reporting them to the health department. Oh, and you can't talk to his wife that way!) So why do I tell that disgusting story? In the past, someone saying something like that to me would have cut me to the core and hurt me so much. But not this time. I recognized that I can't control him He was probably just embarrassed because he got called out for doing something illegal and lashed out What he said was totally not true! When someone says something about us, our lower brain kicks into gear to try and protect us. It puts up its defenses and makes us get angry in return so that we don't get hurt. But deep down the thoughts are often "is it true?" and comes back to our innate fear of not being enough." When we question our own value and the truth in what is being said about us….THAT is what hurts us. But if we have confidence in ourselves, our worth as a human, and who we are, nothing anyone says can hurt us. When people lash out, its really more about them and what they are feeling and thinking than it is about us. If someone told you that you have blue hair, but you know your hair is brown, you wouldn't care because you know its not true! But if someone calls you a name, or makes you feel inadequate in some way, why do you question if its true or not? The second story is a little bit lighter of a story….thank goodness! So I had just picked up some pizza from little caesars after a CRAZY busy day. I turned out of the parking lot onto the road and a guy came flying up behind me (he was driving way too fast, and maybe I shouldn't have pulled out in front of him, but it was too late at the point). Not far from where I turned is a light that was red anyway, so we both had to stop. But as he came up behind me I could see him flipping me off in my mirror. Then as I pulled up to the light to go straight, he pulled into the turn lane on my left. I could see him yelling and screaming at me and flipping me off. And I just laughed and smiled and waved and mouthed sorry! Oh…he did NOT like that. But seriously…what could I have done at that point. He was choosing to get mad and I chose to ignore his anger and just continue happily on my way. Poor guy…he must have been having such a miserable day to get that angry over someone puling out in front of him. But you see how I didn't make it about me? Because it really wasn't. It was about him and where he is in his life in that moment. And that's why his opinion is really none of my business. I get to control me. He gets to control (or not control) him. Isn't that so empowering???? So here is another example - a few years ago I said something I probably shouldn't have. It wasn't said in a malicious, gossipy, or mean way AT ALL! It was something I was just curious about so I could gain more understanding of a situation. But that was not the way it was taken. The woman confronted me, and while I tried to explain where I was coming from and apologize, she was NOT having it. To this day (and it's been 3 years!) she won't talk to me and badmouths me in public. It even got to the point where I had to block her on facebook. But I've come to realize that she is coming from a place of hurt and pain. What I said hit a nerve. And while it makes me sad that she continues to be hurt by it, there is really nothing I can do at this point except continue to be kind and have compassion for where she is at. Its just kind of sad. So again… her opinion is none of my business. Because its about her. Where she is in HER life right now. If what I had said was preposterous to her she wouldn't have cared. But apparently I hit a nerve, even though I didn't mean to. And I feel sad. I regret even asking (even though it wasn't done maliciously) because it caused her pain. So when I say its none of your business, I don't mean you should go out saying and doing things that you know will purposely hurt people….of course not! But you can't control how people are going to think and feel…that's about them. So you just live your life the best you can, worry about your own thoughts and your own emotions, take control and ownership of that (because that is hard enough!) and not worry about everyone else's. Now - this goes not only for strangers, or neighbors, but for members of your own family. You can't control how your husband or your children or your siblings or your parents, or friends or anyone is going to act, think, or feel. But if you are acting out of LOVE in every situation, then no matter what the result you will know that you are doing the right thing. Because acting out of LOVE is ALWAYS the best option and ALWAYS right. Ok my friends, that is all I have for you today. I'll see you next week!

Whether you are dealing with a spouse, boss, or neighbor, you often have challenging relationships. In this podcast I'll share how you can make them work for you no matter what the circumstance!

Do you or someone you love suffer from anxiety attacks? So does someone in my family. Here is how I help them get through it, and it can help you too!

In this podcast I get super vulnerable and share with you my own personal journey to mental health. I hope you'll listen and then come leave me some feedback! Show Summary So I wanted to talk to you today about my journey to mental health and how I found Life Coaching. Transparency. Not wanting to just show the good. Vulnerability creating connection. No shame. I've probably always had some issues, but it really began soon after I first got married the first time. Married life wasn't what I expected. He wasn't what I expected. He changed A LOT after we got married and I pretty much struggled from the beginning. By the time we had been married for 5 years and had two kids, I started fasting, praying, and going to the temple about divorcing him. My answer then and for the next 7-1/2 years, was "Now is not the time, you have more work to do" and while I was determined to be faithful and follow the direction of the spirit, it definitely affected my mental health. A few years later, I felt very strongly that I was supposed to have another child. I really didn't want to, considering the state of my marriage, and I also had very difficult pregnancies, but again, tried to be faithful and follow the promptings I was given. When I went off the birth control something changed in me and I began to experience pretty severe anxiety and depression. I went to see my OB/GYN and he put me on some medication, but it really didn't help. I remember not wanting to go to church because my anxiety was so bad. I still went, but I had to sit on the end of the pew and couldn't have anyone (including my children touch me). Going into a crowded room for Sunday School was not going to happen, so I usually spent the next 2 hours in the Mother's Lounge listening to Conference talks on my iPod. I finally got pregnant after months of trying and then miscarried. So we decided to take the kids to DisneyWorld while we could, before we started trying again. We rode in Business Class in the airplane to Florida and I had this big nice seat with my own personal TV and felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I couldn't relax. My anxiety was too high. I don't even remember much of that trip because I was miserable the entire time. When we got home, I got pregnant again and after a pretty rough pregnancy, I had my son Luke in early 2008. That is when the depression got really bad. I was sleeping 9 hours a day in addition to night time. My anxiety was still horrible. When the baby was about 9 months old, a friend came to me and told me she thought I needed to get some help. So I went to a Psychiatrist and started on some different medications. It took a while to find the right combinations and dosages to at least keep me stable. We'd try something and it would work for a while and then it would stop. In early 2010 things got so bad that I nearly committed suicide. So with some more tweaking of medication and starting to see a therapist things finally began to improve. I was finally pretty stable and getting strong enough that after receiving a different answer when I prayed about divorce, I was finally ready to move forward in the Summer of 2011. When I met Kevin just a short time after my divorce was final, I was still pretty broken but things were definitely improving. And once we married and I experienced true unconditional love from him, I was able to get off all of my medications and I really began to heal and look for ways to improve my mental health and the way I thought about myself. When a friend of mine introduced me to me Life Coaching, it felt like the answer I had been looking for all along. My mantra for many many years had been "I can't change him, I can only change how I react" but I didn't really understand HOW to do that. I was just muscling my way through. Using as much willpower as I could. And while things were improving, I still had some underlying thoughts that were hurting me and made me show up less that my best self in the world. But through learning about how powerful my own thoughts were, and how I choose what to think, which in turn makes me feel certain things, I gained back all my power. I can choose to think good thoughts, to have peace, and create the life that is full of joy and everything I want it to be. It was everything I was looking for! And I knew I wanted to help others have that too. That is why I became a Life Coach. I want to help others realize the power they have to be happy despite their circumstances. That they have the power create the kind of life they want for themselves. I recently asked my husband what changes he has seen in me since I found Life Coaching for myself. After some thought he told me that I am more patient. That I don't get irritated as easy. That I don't have as many emotional breakdowns LOL! And that I just seem genuinely happy. And he's right. I am. And I want that for you too. I want you to understand that the absence of mental illness doesn't mean mental health. And while I do believe that Life coaching can help anyone, I also believe that medication and traditional therapy also have their place. Life Coaching is a great way to up-level what you are doing already. And can really make the difference going from good to GREAT! I recently read a talk in the Ensign and I wanted to share a quote from it with you that really described how I feel about the changes in my life. (Being Honest with Myself--and with God By Faith Sutherlin Blackhurst, June 2018 Ensign) My experience taught me that "if [my] weaknesses and shortcomings remain obscured in the shadows, then the redeeming power of the Savior cannot heal them and make them strengths." However, if I am brave enough to be vulnerable and admit my weaknesses in humility, God can help me turn them into strengths through His grace (see Ether 12:27; 1 Peter 5:5). After all, honestly acknowledging our weaknesses--or seeing ourselves as we truly are--is the first step on the path to positive change. As I continue to be honest and seek guidance from the Spirit, my Heavenly Father will help me know what needs to change in my life. And as I rely on Jesus Christ, His Atonement, and His refining power, I will see improvement in myself. Although it was unpleasant to admit my mistakes in that moment of chastisement, I know that when I choose to be humble and honest with myself and with God, I am happier and more accepting of myself. I know that despite my flaws, I am of divine worth to my Heavenly Father--but He still wants me to improve. Through the power of His Son, Jesus Christ, and sincere repentance, I can become so much better than I ever dreamed I could be. " Let me help you be the best version of yourself. Let me help you create a GREAT life for yourself. Sign up for a mini-session on my website and let's get started! I can't wait to meet you!

What is mental health? How do get to be mentally healthy and how do we maintain it? In this podcast I will share with you: 4 Things Mentally Healthy People Do 10 areas that contribute to mental health 7 Ways to Maintain your Mental Health You don't want to miss this one! Show Notes: Girl Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis of The Chic Site 3 in 30 Podcast Dr. Leah Weiss This post contains affiliate links. Show Summary Today I want to talk to you about mental health. I think it is something we are really lacking in today's world and something that is so important. Most people think that mental health is just a lack of mental illness. A lack of depression or anxiety. I also think some people think they are mentally healthy because they don't have a diagnosed mental illness like bipolar or schizophrenia. But what I want to offer you today is that mental health is not just a lack of mental illness, but it is a state of awareness and well-being. It determines how we handle stress, how we relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is about mindfulness and where your thoughts and intentions are at all times. Now that being said, if you suffer from mental illness from a chemical imbalance, I think you can still achieve mental health with the help of medication. I think medication is also helpful to get someone to the point where they can be more mindful and shift their thinking so that they can get mentally healthy and don't have to be on medication anymore if they don't have a chemical imbalance. There is so much to mental health that I want to talk about today. What does it mean to be mentally healthy and how to get there. But first WHY? Why do we want to be mentally healthy? I was to a podcast and the host was interviewing Rachel Hollis. If you don't know who she is, she is a female entrepreneur and runs a lifestyle website. She recently came out with a book called "Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop believing the lies about who you think you are so you can become who you were meant to be" I've heard great things about this book and I think it encompasses a lot of things we talk about here on the podcast and in my coaching program. But on this particular podcast I was listening to, she said as she was writing this book she was looking back over the hardest things in her life and the whole time she was trying to figure out how to SUFFER less. And I was thinking about that and isn't that what we all want? We want to suffer less? And whether the situations truly hard, or we just find it hard because of where we are in our life, it is still suffering. And that is what Life Coaching does for people. We teach you what you can do to suffer less. We think that our circumstances are causing our suffering, but really they aren't. It's our thoughts and how we are dealing with our circumstances that cause our suffering. But someone who is mentally healthy is able to deal with those circumstances a lot better. I see these posts on facebook of women who are constantly struggling with anxiety about driving places, and going to their kids soccer game, and making a phone call to make a doctor appointment. And all of that is suffering! And that is not healthy! And that is no way to live! That is not what Heavenly Father wants for us! He wants us to be brave and courageous and confident in our abilities to deal with anything that comes. I want that for you! For you to feel confident and empowered, and that you can deal with whatever. For example - I was talking to a friend of mine this morning. She is the one who originally introduced me to Life Coaching and has been getting coached herself. May is always a crazy month for everyone - I call it May Madness! Along with all the end of the year school stuff, sports, she also has her birthday, her husbands birthday, and 3 of her kids birthdays. And May is usually just so insane. But this year, even though she just had just as much stuff as she always does, she suffered less! Because of what she has learned about thought work and life coaching, she was able to more easily deal with the stress and challenges that came up. And looking back, it was the same thing for me! I always feel so stressed in the Spring with sports and all of the kids stuff and I just haven't this year. I was able to handle things so much better and SUFFER less! So mentally healthy people know how to SUFFER less. They also…. Positive mental health allows people to Cope with the stresses of life Reach their full potential Work productively Make meaningful contributions to their communities How do we become mentally healthy? The first thing is self-care. Self-care, especially as women, gets put on the back burner. We take care of everyone else before we take care of our own needs. We take whatever time is left over for ourself instead of prioritizing it and making it one of the first things. So in order to have good mental health I first want you to put your own Self-Care at the the top of the list. I want you to schedule it in your calendar every single day. Now what does self care mean? It is different for everyone. For some it is eating healthy, exercising, meditation, prayer, scripture study. For some it might be taking some time to read a book or take a hot bath. Maybe go get your nails done or get a massage. Getting yourself in a place where your thoughts and intentions are on the right track and you can focus on what you want for yourself and for those around you that day. I was recently listening to the 3 in 30 podcast and Rachel Nielsen had on Dr. Leah Weiss, who is a professor in the Stanford School of Business and she's written a book called "How We Work: Live Your Purpose, Reclaim your sanity, and embrace the daily grind." In it she talks about when she was in college she went and studied in Northern Indian with Tibetan Refugees. She says that the word "meditation" is a translation from the Tibetan word "gom" (gome) which means something more like "familiarization" or "getting to know your mind and heart." And really it's not something you do on a meditation pillow for 5 minutes in the morning, and 5 minutes in the evening, but its really something you can do all the time. Getting to know yourself and where you intentions lie. She also talks about mindfulness. And mindfulness is the Intentional use of attention. Now the Tibetans have been using this for thousands of years, but modern research backs it up that Mindfulness is how we make meaningful progress in our life. Our minds wander 49% of the time. That's normal. But paying attention to that wandering and pulling things back gives us progress. The Tibetans have a 3-part mindfulness process called Dampa Sume - which means 3 good principles, or 3 good things. And what it entails is that when you are going to do something, you need to first think about it and what your intentions are with it. What do you want it to be. Then when you are doing it, remember those intentions. If you get distracted, try to get back to those intentions as soon as you can. And then when you are done, reflect on what happened. Then start again. I like to do this as part of my self-care at the beginning of each day. With my scripture study, ensign reading, and prayer. And I include Heavenly Father in setting my intentions for the day. I specifically ask what I can do to serve Him and serve others. I really feel that setting your intentions is the key to personal revelation. And I am so delighted when I am inspired for certain service opportunities that come up throughout the day and I am able to follow through with my intentions. And then at the end of the day I reflect on those things and write about them in a gratitude journal. I also set my intentions during the day with my eating habits, how I spend my time for work and with my children. How I want to show up in my marriage and with my husband. Sometimes its an all day practice, and sometimes its a little event or task. But there is intention and thoughtfulness behind it. And once you begin to focus on those things as you go about your day you will find you are looking outside of yourself and you are so much happier. You will also find you are so much more productive as you set your intentions for each task. Your mental health is so much better when you are constantly setting those intentions and living up to them, not with perfection, but with progress and compassion. You also have to value your self-care above anything anyone else says about you. You know what is true and you need to be confident in that. Checklist of mental health 1. Future plans - Believe in your capacity and your abilities. Have big goals that stretch yourself. Five years down the road 10 years down the road. 2. Emotional balanced - Having both positive and negative emotions. Be willing to experience and process negative emotions. 3. Little or no buffering - Seeking falls pleasure as an escape to negative emotion. Escaping your relationship with yourself and negative emotions 4. Take action - set your intentions and follow through 5. Internal control. Control yourself and not try to control others or your environment 6. Self-coach yourself (use model) everyday 7. Contribution - create value in your life or on the world 8. Unconditional self love - Grace for your mistakes and failures 9. Time management- keep a time journal. See where you are really spending your time each day. Is it matching up to your intentions and your priorities? 10. Money management - It doesn't matter how much money you have, only how you manage it. Ways to maintain positive mental health include: Getting professional help if you need it Connecting with others Staying positive (change your thoughts) Getting physically active (change your state) Helping others Getting enough sleep Developing coping skills On next week's podcast I am going to share with you my own personal journey to mental health. It did start with mental illness and has been a long process. And it's kind of hard to share and very vulnerable, but as Brene Brown (one of my favorite mentors) says "Vulnerability is where connection is created" and I want to connect with you as my audience and I want you to connect with me. I think so many times you listen to people on podcasts or in books and you think.."oh they are just so perfect and I can't be like that." But I want you to understand that I am so far from that. And while things are going really good for me right now, I am mentally healthy now, I have no always been this way. It has been a lot of really hard work to get where I am now. But it is possible! It is possible to go from mental illness or just being mentally unhealthy to being mentally healthy. I want that for you and that is what I am trying to communicate to you about in this podcast and what I teach my clients in my coaching program. I want you to see how amazing you already are and what the possibilities are for YOU, because if I can do it, so can you!