Sex for Saints

  What is friendship? A relationship we have with anyone is ONLY about what we think about that person.  The relationship only exists in our minds.  We can create friendship and connection with people just by what we choose to think about them.   In this episode I give 10 tips on how to be a good friend.  Because we all know the best way to have good friends, is to be a good friend.

What do you value? What is the culture of your family? By clearly defining your values and setting goals based on those values, you will be able to align your life and achieve the things you want most.  This episode clearly outlines the way I set goals for myself and my family to reach our dreams.  You can too! Play In A New Window Download             Show Summary I grew up in a goal oriented family.  When I was young, my mom worked part time for Franklin Day Planners.  My parents were also big fans of Stephen Covey.  Franklin merged with Covey, and then it was Franklin Covey that my mom worked for.  I think i got my first Franklin Day Planner when I was about 10.   My parents taught me about how the Franklin Covey day planner worked.  You first determined what your values were, then you set long term goals based around those values.  You broke the long term goals down in to short term goals, and the short term goals got broken down into daily tasks.  Each built upon each other to help you reach those long term goals that coincided with what you personally value. My dad is also famous (well famous in our little world) for a talk he gives on The Wheel of Balance.  He talks about a wheel made up of 6 different areas Mental Social Physical Spiritual Family Work He talks about how each of these areas need balance in our lives.  If one of them is missing or one is inflated more that the rest, the wheel won’t turn smoothly.  We get stuck.  So as a youth, I set my values and long term goals based around these 6 areas.  And I still do today. Because of these goals, I was able to achieve just about anything I set my mind to as a teenager. For example - I value my testimony of Jesus Christ and His Gospel.  Some of my long-term goals I set when I was a youth was to Be worthy to enter the temple (for either marriage or before a mission) To be married in the temple Read cover to cover and gain a testimony of all 4 sets of scripture (Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, and Doctrine & Covenants) Get my Young Women Medallion Graduate from Seminary Then I would break those down into short term goals. So I would make a goal to read The Book of Mormon by a certain date Then my daily task was to read so many chapters each day. Those things fulfilled my “Spiritual” spoke on the wheel.  Other goals that I had that went along with my values were Maintain a certain GPA Go to Brigham Young University Participate in Swim Team Sing in the Choir Save X amount for college etc. Now that I am adult, my goals are a little bit different than they were when I was teenager, but my values are still pretty much the same. I wanted to pass on this same goal oriented life to my children, so In January we did a great family home evening where we set our Family Values and then set some goals in each area that we wanted to work on.   First we brainstormed a lot of different ideas, and then we voted and narrowed it down to 7 things. We are service oriented We are respectful We are optimistic We are learners We are self-reliant We are adventurous We are Christ-centered Under each of these 7 categories we listed a few things that we want to work on as a family. Some of these things I think we already do well, (like grow a garden, and going to church each week) and some things are things we agreed we need to work on (like being willing to try new foods and take shorter showers).   I made a 24x36 poster on my computer and had it printed at my local UPS store for about $4 and we hang it on the door between our kitchen and garage so that it is a constant reminder. (see below) This is a great exercise to do with your kids and figure what your family values and what goals you have and to figure out the culture of your family.   A few weeks ago on the 3in30 podcast, Host Rachel Nielsen interviewed  Chamaine Wollenzien of Wandering Families for Episode 40.  Chamaine said that the culture of her family is “We are a hiking family.”  Rachel posed the question “What is your family culture” out to her audience on social media  with a great response.  People responded “We are a reading family”  “We are a snuggling family”  “We are movie watching family” When I have thought about that question, I have really struggled with it.  Because we are a blended family, I feel like I have one culture when its just me and my kids and I have a different culture when I’m with my husband and his kids.  And when we are all together…I wasn’t really sure. But then I was able to look back at this exercise we did as a family and I can say that the thing that really brings us together is that “We are a Christ-Centered Family” and that really brought me a lot of peace. So now that it’s Back To School time again, now is a GREAT time to sit down by yourself or with your family and set some Values, Long Term Goals, Short Terms Goals, and maybe even break it down into daily tasks.  And Remember, Goals need to be S.M.A.R.T. SMART is a great acronym for setting goals S - Specific M - Measurable A - Attainable R - Realistic T - Time Bound S - Specific, set goals that are specific.  What is the outcome that you want?  Does it reflect your values? What do you hope to achieve by setting this goal? M - Measurable - how can you break it down.  Can you evaluate the progress you are making? A - Attainable, now this goes back to Podcast 15 and Redefining Success.  You need to make goals that you actually have control over.   R - Realistic - if you make a goal to be able fly of your own accord, it’s probably not very realistic, so make sure they are goals that you can realistically achieve T - Time Bound - set a time limit.  Set an end.   Now, I think it is a GREAT idea to not only set some goals that are attainable, but some some goals that REALLY stretch you.   That push your limits.  Maybe that’s a goal to increase your families income by a LOT, or to lose a lot of weight.  Something that is going to be tough. But also remember that you don’t need to be perfect at this.  And even if your time is up on your goal and you didn’t get all the way there, look back at the PROGRESS you’ve made and how much you were able to achieve by setting the goal, even if you didn’t make it all the way. As human beings we were not meant to stay stagnant.  We are meant to constantly be growing and learning.  When we get stagnant in our lives, we feel uncomfortable.  And while growth, from setting goals, can also be uncomfortable, that uncomfortability is worth it. Sometimes, we are afraid to set goals and to stretch ourselves out of fear of failure.  But don’t we automatically fail by not trying? We will discuss failure more in depth on another episode, but for now I just want you to understand that it’s ok to fail if you are trying.  You can just take that as evidence that what you tried didn’t work and you need to approach it another way.  You don’t need to make it mean anything more than that.  Make it mean something positive.  Don’t make it mean something negative about you.  But not trying it all is automatically failing and not quite achieving everything you wanted means you at least got part of the way there, and you learned and grew in the process and you just have more work to do. Rachel Hollis has a great practice in that she writes down 10 big goals in a notebook like she has already achieved them.  She writes them down (the same 10 big goals) every single day until she achieves them.  And she says that by writing them down every single day like they are already done, and putting those great vibes out into the universe, they ALWAYS come true.  By focusing on them every single day she is constantly working on them in subtle ways and her goals are always achieved. Right now my friend Monica Packer from the podcast About Progress is running a 30-day wake up challenge.  Her goal is to wake up by 6:30 every day so that she can be more productive in the day.  She’s broken down that down to what she needs to do at night in order to wake up earlier in the morning, and then what she needs to do in the morning, to make things a little bit easier.  She realizes that she may not be perfect at this, but like her podcast says, its not about perfection, it’s about progress! So I’d like to challenge you this week to set a goal you want to work on and post it to social media.  Tag me in the post and use the #livefromlovegoals Then take the time to write those big goals down EVERY SINGLE DAY and let’s see if they come true! Show Notes: Wake Up Challenge: AboutProgress.com Family Culture: 3in30podcast.com Our family values & goals My family sat down in January and decided what our family values are and things that we are already doing and can work on as a family.  I created this poster and it hangs on the door between our kitchen and garage as a constant reminder. Don't forget to get my 5 tips for improving your marriage! Get the Tips!

  When coaching my clients, they come to me with a variety of issues.  Any problem can be classified into 1 of 5 categories Circumstance Thought Feeling Action Result Using a model developed by Brooke Castillo at the Life Coach School, I can help my clients get better results in their life no matter what the issue is.   Today’s episode will give you a very basic overview of The Model with some examples of how I have used it in my life and the lives of my clients.   I’ve also included a self-coaching worksheet here so that you can get a copy of it and work through some of your issues on your own.  While it may seem simple, it can be harder than you think, which is why you need my help.  Sign up for a free mini-session and we can work through a model together and I can help you see where you can make some small changes in your life that will give you BIG results!           Show Summary   Last week we talked about what life coaching is, and why I think everyone needs one.  This week I wanted to share with you the Model I use with all of my clients in every single session I have with them.  This model was developed by Brooke Castillo of the Life Coach School and it is really amazing.  I’ve seen it work over and over in my life and in the lives of my clients.  So let’s get to it….   So when I work with my clients I talk to them about the issues they are having.  Every single issue can be broken down into one of 5 things   A Circumstance - Circumstances are things that happen in the world around us.  Things we don’t control and can’t directly change.  They are FACTS.   Thoughts - These are the sentences that constantly run through our minds.  Sometimes we are aware of these thoughts, but many times we are not.  We think thoughts based on the circumstances in our lives.  We can’t change our circumstances, but we can change what we think about them. Feelings - Feelings are the vibrations we experience in our bodies and they are directly tied to the thoughts that we think.  They are different that sensations, like hunger and physical pain.  Emotions are voluntary because we can change what we feel by what we are thinking. Actions - These are the behaviors, reactions, and sometimes inaction that are directly related to our feelings.  If we want different actions, we can choose different feelings. Results - These are the effects of our actions.  Choosing different actions will give us different results.   So….our THOUGHTS about our CIRCUMSTANCES cause our FEELINGS, which cause our ACTIONS and ultimately give us our RESULTS… by understanding that process we can make amazing changes in our lives by choosing to think different things.   So when a client comes to me and tells me the problem they are having, it ALWAYS falls into one of these 5 things and together I help them see how they can make changes by changing the way they are thinking.   Let me illustrate with a few examples…   First I will give you just a very basic example with TRAFFIC   C: Traffic   T: I hate traffic, it always makes me late, and I start off the day bad   F: Grumpy, frustrated   A: Not as productive   R: Bad day at work   C: Traffic   T: I will take advantage of this extra time I have in the car to listen to my new audiobook   F: happy, fulfilled   A: productive   R: good day at work   So that’s a very BASIC example.  Now I want to give you an example from one of my clients.   This client is just recently divorced.  She has custody of her 3 girls, works, and was trying to find a new home to live in.   C: Recently divorced   T: This is so overwhelming, and I have so much to do, I am not getting time with my girls   F: overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, inadequate, depressed   A: inaction, sleeping   R: not getting done what she needs to and not spending time with her girls    C: Recently divorced   T: I can do everything I need to and still have time to spend with my girls   F: Confident, Happy, Empowered, Productive   A: Gets done what she needs to and spends time with girls   R: Better relationship with her daughters and feeling good about herself   See how just changing her thought gave her completely different feelings, actions, and results, even though her circumstance was the same?   Now, I know this seems super simple.  And in some cases in can be.  But in most it is not.  Changing thoughts that have been in your brain for long periods can take a while to change.  But it is definitely possible.     It’s important that you just begin to notice your thoughts.  Notice what you are thinking and what emotions, actions, and results you are getting as a result of those thoughts.  As you begin to notice them, then it will make it easier to change them.   As members of the LDS church we believe that one of the greatest blessings we have here on earth is the gift of Agency.  Most of the time we think that agency is just choosing right from wrong.  Good from evil.  But I believe that learning to consciously choose even the thoughts that we think is the highest form of our agency.   So when you begin to notice your thoughts (Eckhart Tolle describes it as becoming A Watcher) your brain will naturally choose thoughts that are familiar and easy.  Be compassionate with yourself as your are trying to change them.  Yep…there’s that thought again… and then move on to your new thought.  But don’t get mad at yourself or beat yourself up for continuing to think the same thoughts you’ve been thinking for a long time.  That is totally normally.  Just be compassionate and understanding and continue to work to think the new thought. As you consciously choose to think the new thought it will become more natural and you will start to see the changes in yourself.    Now you may think...ok, I can do this. Why do I need a Life coach? And maybe on some things, you can. But I find most people need some help. Especially at first. A lot of people get confused on what are their thoughts versus what is a circumstance. Many times they’ve been thinking thoughts for so long they think that their thoughts are facts.    I have another client who was also recently divorced for the second time. It has been pretty devastating for her. She was feeling depressed, exhausted, sad, and angry. She said her circumstance was “I am alone”. But I showed her that that was actually a thought. It wasn’t a fact. She isn’t alone. She has children, and grandchildren, and friends who live her and support her. But that thought was causing her so much pain. Together we found a new thought that fueled her to use her story to help others. To serve others. This made her happy. This made her feel like she could move forward. It changed her course. Now, that doesn’t mean she still doesn’t have dark days. Dark hours. Dark moments. But they are far less.    Something else I want you to understand is that it is ok to have negative emotion. We don’t need to (and we don’t always want to) change what we are thinking so that we never experience negative emotion. I tell my clients to expect about 50/50. 50% positive and 50% negative.  But let me give you an example of not changing a thought that causes negative emotion.    When my grandma passed away in January I was obviously sad. Thoughts about her not being here anymore and missing her made me sad. But I wanted to be sad. I wanted to miss her. So I didn’t try and change those thoughts.    Sometimes my kids do things that irritate me. Sometimes I want to be irritated, so I don’t work to change the thought making me irritated (like, “they shouldn’t do that”) and sometimes I do (“of course they do that, they are teenagers and that’s what teenagers do”)   So now I want you to try this out! Download my self-coaching worksheets And then find me on social media @amandaloudercoaching and let me know how it’s going for you.   I would also love to help you dive in a little bit further and coach you on whatever you need. Sometimes we need a bit more than what we can do for ourselves. Even I still have a coach because I can’t always see the issues I am creating for myself.    Alright friends thats all I have for you today. I hope you have a good week, especially if your kids are headed back to school. We will see you next week!

I get asked the question all the time, What is a Life Coach and Why do I need one?  On today’s podcast I will tell you what I do and why EVERYONE needs a life coach!      Show Summary   So I get asked quite often what a life coach is and why do I need one?  So I just wanted to take some time today to tell you about what I do and why having a life coach is such a great thing.   I think a lot of people think a life coach is some cheesy person who gives you positive affirmations to repeat so you feel better about things.  And maybe some life coaches operate this way, but that is not what I do.   As a  life coach, I can help you get perspective on your life and your mind.  I essentially hold a mirror up and help YOU see where you can make changes in the way you think, feel, and act, so that you get the results you want in your life.   Vikki Brock, a coach whose doctoral dissertation had a major influence on the coaching profession said “Coaching came into existence to fill an unmet need, which coincided with the shift away from a model of psychological illness, and toward the humanistic ideal of wellness.  And growth.”   Coaching is about taking healthy people and helping them make their good lives better.   A life coach is not a substitute for a therapist who will treat mental disorders and diseases.  I don’t sit and explore your past or have you retell painful stories that cause you discomfort.  I help you look at what is happening in your life right now that is causing your pain and discomfort and help you see how you can make changes that will help you suffer less and be happy, confident, empowered, and at peace in your life.  Even if your circumstances don’t change.   I practice what is called “causal coaching.”  A lot of life coaches help their clients by fixing the symptoms of their problem.  It’s the equivalent for treating a broken bone with an over the counter pain reliever.  The pain may be gone for a while but the underlying issue is still there, so its ultimately ineffective.  But if you treat the actual cause of the pain (the broken bone) then you can actually help them feel better for good.  This is what I do.  I help you find the cause of the pain and we work together to fix it.   As a coach, I analyze your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors from an objective vantage point.   I have a different perspective where I can offer suggestions for change and improvement.   So how do I do this?   I work from a Model developed by Brooke Castillo of the Life Coach School.  She is absolutely amazing.  I have been studying her work for quite a while now and will actually be getting my certification from her and the Life Coach School in the near future, which I am really excited about.   Anyway - she developed a model that I work from that works for ANY problem!  I will discuss this model more in an upcoming episode.  But from this model I use tools to help people in all areas of their life   Marriage and other relationships Money Sex & Intimacy Boundaries Unconditional Love Goals Confidence Grief Parenting Weight Loss Emotional Maturity Processing Emotions   So why do I think everyone needs a life coach?     Do you remember the first time you saw yourself on video or heard your own voice from a recording?  And you were like “That doesn’t sound like me at all!”     That’s why you need a life coach!  We see ourselves for who we really are and rarely recognize where we are getting in our own way in life.     My coach, Jody Moore, says “You can’t read the label from inside the bottle”   And sometimes we may be able to recognize some of those thoughts, beliefs, and patterns, but we don’t necessarily know how to change it.  But I find that most people are unaware of how they are causing their own suffering and pain.  Most people think that their pain or happiness come from their circumstances, which is completely untrue.  If it were true, everyone who experienced the same thing would feel the exact same way.   So that’s why I think EVERYONE needs a life coach.  I do a pretty good job of self-coaching, but there are times where I still don’t see where I am getting in my own way.  And that is when I go to my coach and have her help me see those things.  So I can continue to improve my life and create the life that I want for myself.   So I have chosen to primarily work with people who are struggling in their marriage, who are currently going through a divorce, or who have recently gone through a divorce because I have a lot of experience with that and I’ve been through it myself.  But truly, I can coach anyone on anything.  So if you think you may want to try a life coach out, I encourage you to go to my website amandalouder.com and sign up for a free mini-session with me and I will show you in about 20 minutes what a life coach and further sessions with me can do.  I hope to see you there!

What does success mean to you? What does a successful day look like to you?  What does a successful marriage look like to you?  Most of the time we define success with achieving these great goals and often we hang that success on things we can not control.  In today’s podcast episode, we are redefining success.  I bet you are a lot more successful than you think you are! How do you define success?             Show Summary   Today I want to talk about success.  What does success mean to you? What does a successful day look like to you?  What does a successful marriage look like to you?  Most of the time we define success with achieving these great goals and often we hang that success on things we can not control.  Then when something doesn’t work we feel awful about ourselves.   Let me share with a personal example.  I’ve mentioned before, but I was married to my first husband for 13-1/2 years.  That marriage ended in divorce.  The world, and a lot of people in it, consider that a failure.  For a long time I felt like a failure because that marriage ended.  But what I’ve come to understand and realize, is that I can feel like a failure because I got divorced if I choose to, or I can redefine what a successful marriage means to me.   So now, when I think about my 1st marriage, I don’t think about it being a failure.  I consider it a success!     Wait what?  Amanda…I thought you said that marriage ended?  How can it be a success?   The reason I consider it a success is because of how I behaved in the marriage.  What I controlled in the marriage.   Before I got divorced it was very important to me that I be able to look back and say “I did EVERYTHING I could to make it work” and I truly feel like I did everything I knew how to do at the time to make it work.     I kept my covenants I was willing to work on the marriage in every way possible and I loved him as best as I could   And even though, at the time, I felt like I was doing everything I possibly could to do what he wanted me to so that he could be happy, I know that I could have never made him happy  Only he can do that.  Only he could make the changes he needed to make in order to be happy and it really had nothing to do with me.   So when I look back on that marriage - I look at my own behavior and what I could control and I consider it successful.   So how are you currently defining success?  Are you basing your definition on things you have control over?  Or are you basing them on others, how they act and their emotions?   I have a client who is struggling in her role as a wife and a new mother.  She had all these expectations of herself, her home, her marriage and according to her she was failing miserably.  Her days never went as she wanted.  The baby took up so much time she couldn’t get done the things she needed to get done to feel successful.  Her husband would come home mad because the house was a mess.  She was failing (according to her).   I introduced a concept to her I learned from my coach called B- work.  I think most of us shoot for A+ work.  And if we don’t make that we feel awful.  We feel like failures.  But what if you just shoot for B- work?  That usually pretty doable.  And if you look at things on an overall scale, some days you can maybe get A+ work and some days you get D work, but it averages out to about B-….so you’re good!   I asked my client to redefine what success looks like that is something SHE can control and feel good about.  Maybe it could be that her baby is alive and she offered food and she did the dishes that day.  And if she did that, it was a success!  She wondered about her husband, but I reminded her about what we’ve talked about in previous podcasts…. she can’t control his emotions.  That’s his business.  If he wants to be mad, that’s fine.  Let him be mad.  But she can count her day as successful.  And if she was able to get accomplished more than keeping her baby alive, offering her food, and doing the dishes it was an even MORE successful day!   So let’s look at what we can define as a successful marriage.  Now yours may be different, but I will tell you what my definition is.   I keep my vows and covenants I love him unconditionally   That’s it.  Those are things I can control.  That’s how I can feel successful.  If I can do other things beyond that, GREAT!  If I can’t…. if I lay my head down on my pillow at night and say “today I kept my covenants and I loved him unconditionally” then I had a successful day.  Even if he was mad.  Even if I was upset about something.  As long as I did those two things, I’m successful.   So we talked a little bit about B- work I want to talk a little bit about perfectionism.  I hear this a lot, that people are perfectionists.  They want everything to be perfect and if its not, then they feel they are a failure.  Perfectionism isn’t doing just about doing your best.  It’s actually depriving yourself of the feelings of satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment. And rather than having a realistic gauge of what is good and done and complete, we nitpick and see all the imperfections and everything that is wrong.  We are NEVER done.  Nothing is EVER complete.  Because its not perfect.  So if nothing is ever done or complete how do we feel accomplished and successful?  We don’t!   Perfectionism is really a fear of not being enough.  That our value as a person is conditional on what we do.     Now do we want to go to the other extreme and not try? not care? No!   So what I propose to you today is that you set realistic goals, have realistic definitions of what success is and then strive for excellence.  You strive to do your best.   Without a goal, there can be no real success - Thomas S. Monson   So your BEST is NOT perfection.     I also want you to see that even if you don’t completely reach those goals, the fact that you are even striving for them is making you better.  You are a better person just for making the decision to strive for excellence.   Each day is a day of decision - Russel M Nelson   So I want you to sit down with a pen and paper this week and write down YOUR reasonable definition for success areas of your life.  Write down your definition of success in your home, with your children, and in your marriage.  Make sure they are things that are attainable and within your control.  Remember you can not control others, their actions, or their emotions.  These definitions are about YOU.   So when you write those down, I want you to set that intention each morning and strive for them each day.  After you’ve done them for a week or so, I want you to go to my website amandalouder.com and go this podcast page - this is Episode 15, and tell me in the comments what your definitions were, how you did through the week, and how you are feeling about it now.  I can’t wait to hear!

In this podcast I share with you 5 new thoughts that I’ve personally been working on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really helped me in my marriage.  I think they could help you to, or at least get your wheels turning about what new thoughts would help you!     Show Summary   So today I wanted to talk to you about 5 new thoughts that helped me in my marriage.   I’ve mentioned this before on this podcast, but my husband Kevin and I have been married for just over 6 years.  This is a second marriage for both of us. And while marriage is never EASY, some marriages are definitely easier than others, and that is how I feel about my marriage to Kevin.  We of course have our struggles, but I absolutely adore him.  I am so in love with that man.   But even with how absolutely amazing he is and how I feel about him, sometimes I struggle with my own thoughts about myself and our marriage.  So when I began getting coached by my own Life Coach, Jody Moore, that is one of the first things I wanted to work on.  I wanted to show up as my best self in my marriage because I love him and I want this marriage not just be a good marriage, but to be exceptional.   So I wanted to share with you today 5 new thoughts that I’ve worked on with my life coach and in my own self-coaching that have really changed me and helped me be even happier in my marriage.   He can be grumpy and I don’t have to be   Now this one may sound funny, but its something I’ve really struggled with     .  We all have days when we are grumpy, irritated, stressed or don’t feel well.  But when Kevin would have those days, instead of me continuing to have a good day I would mirror his emotions and become grumpy too.  I don’t like being grumpy.  I have enough grumpy days on my own, I didn’t like that when he was grumpy it was making me grumpy.  And then when we were both grumpy, it would kind of spiral.  So this is one of the first things I wanted to work on.  So I decided that if he was grumpy, I didn’t need to be.  And I often have to repeat that thought in my head…a lot.   So here is an example…. On my birthday a few months ago Kevin came home from work really not feeling well, which made him pretty grumpy.  But it was my birthday and so I did NOT want to be grumpy too.  So i just decided that I wasn’t going to be.  We took all the kids out to dinner and Kevin continued not feeling well and being kind of grumpy but I was totally happy and fine and had a great night out with the kids.  In the past, I probably would have gotten upset that he was grumpy on my birthday and then I would have gotten grumpy and dinner with the kids would NOT have gone well, but I just decided I wasn’t going to be and I was going to be happy because it was my birthday and I totally was and it was great.   My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love   I know..I know… whenever I talk to my clients or other people about this, they are like….yeah right!  You don’t have any other expectations of him?  You don’t expect him to go to work or take out the trash or help out around the kids or anything?  And I’m like “NOPE”  My ONLY expectation of him is that he is there for me to love.  That’s it.  And the reason I decided to think that is because in the past I did have expectations of him.  I did expect him to do certain things for me, for the kids, around the house, etc.  But if he didn’t meet those expectations, I was MISERABLE.  I tied my feelings to HIM meeting my expectations.  And when he didn’t, I made it mean all sorts of crazy things about ME!  But I decided to take responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings and the only thing I wanted to feel for him was LOVE.     Now…that’ doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes make requests of him.  I totally do.  But if he doesn’t do them, I don’t make it mean anything about me.  I also think as equal partners in marriage we can sit down and talk about what we want for our life together and for our family and kind of divide up responsibilities.  But even then, if he doesn’t do it, its not about ME!  It’s really about him.  So I just love him.  I love him with no expectations except that he will be there.  That’s it!     Now the next one kind of ties in to that   It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that’s my job   Now we’ve talked a little bit in previous podcasts about how our feelings come from our thoughts.  So if I want to feel validated, worthy, or loved, that comes from my OWN thoughts about myself.  He can’t MAKE me feel loved… that can only come from me.   For example… Say your husband brings you home a bouquet of flowers.  Your THOUGHT could be “wow… he is so sweet, I love that he is trying to show me he cares” and if you think that thought then you feel love.  But your husband could also bring home that same bouquet of flowers and your THOUGHT could be “why would he waste his money on stupid flowers.  I wonder what he did wrong….” and that thought wouldn’t produce feelings of love.  It would produce feels of confusion, irritation, and suspicion.  Do you see what I’m saying.  How you feel is totally up to you… Now sometimes our spouses make it EASIER for us to think good thoughts about feeling loved, or validated, or worthy by their actions, but whether we do or not is completely up to us and our thoughts around it.   Kevin usually doesn’t a pretty good job of helping make those thoughts easy for me.  But I still have times when I struggle, but realizing those thoughts are my own and not from him is really empowering.   He is doing the best he can, even if that isn’t very good sometimes   Listen, we are all human.  Sometimes I don’t show up as my best self.  I really am doing the best I can in that moment, but sometimes my best isn’t great.  And its the same with Kevin.  Sometimes his best isn’t great.  But choosing to think the thought that he is doing the best he can in that moment, really helps me feel better about things sometimes.   I hear so many times from my clients and friends things like “My husband comes home late from work and then he just sits and plays video games and does nothing to help me.  If he LOVED me, he would come home on time and help me with the kids.  I’m tired too!”  Now do you realistically think that their husband said to himself “I’m going to come home late from work and I’m not going to help her and I’m just going to play video games because I don’t love her.”  Absolutely NOT!  But he’s human and sometimes he needs some downtime too.  So just realizing that he is doing his best, even if that isn’t what you want or its not very good makes a big difference.  I know it has with me.   He is exactly who he is supposed to be   This thought has really helped me because sometimes I wish Kevin was a little bit different with some things.  Not much, he’s pretty darn great, but there are a few things I wish he were better at.  But then I remind myself that he is exactly who he is supposed to be.  And that is pretty darn great.  I’m sure there are things about me he wishes were a little bit different too.  But that’s ok too.     Ok, so lets go over those 5 thoughts again.   He can be grumpy and I don’t have to be My only expectation of him is for him to be there for me to love It is not his job to make me feel validated, worthy, or loved, that’s my job He is doing the best he can, even if that isn’t very good sometimes He is exactly who he is supposed to be   I hope you find those thoughts helpful in your marriage too.  But if you want some help applying these to your marriage or finding other thoughts that would be helpful, make sure you go to my website amandalouder.com and sign up for a free mini-session and I’d love to help you.   See ya next time!

In this podcast I talk about what patience is, what it means to be patient, how we can develop patience, and how important patience is in our marriage.    Show Summary   So this year in our Stake (which if you are not LDS, a Stake is a geographical boundary comprised of several congregations) we are focusing on a different attribute of Christ each month, and this month that attribute is patience.  So on Sunday, we had a couple of talks on patience and it really got me things about what patience is, what it means to be patient,  how we can develop patience, and how important patience is in our marriage and in our families.   I was thinking back to when I was a young mom and I was really patient with my babies and my toddlers.  I didn’t get angry at them when they couldn’t do something for themselves or they didn’t do something right when I asked them or if they did it wrong because they were still learning.  They didn’t KNOW things yet.  So it wouldn’t have been ok for me to get upset at them or mad at them for things that they didn’t know yet.  So I was a lot more patient with them because they didn’t KNOW it.   Now, as they have grown and have learned more, I’ve become LESS patient with them because when they don’t do something, or don’t do it right away, or if they do it wrong or they do something they are not supposed to my THOUGHTS are  you SHOULD be doing this or you SHOULD know this or you SHOULD know better.  And that is when I get upset.  That is when I am not patient.   I want you to think back to when you first began your relationship with your spouse.  You were probably a LOT more patient with them in the beginning than you are now because they didn’t KNOW your expectations or all of your wants and likes and needs.  But are you less patient with them now because you THINK they SHOULD know?   I also think we are a lot more patient with ourselves when we are learning.  Let’s think again about a toddler when they are trying to learn new things.  Think about when your toddler was learning to dress themselves.  They wanted to learn how to do up their own buttons, even if it took FOREVER.  They had patience because they wanted to learn.  But how many times are we impatient with ourselves or others because we think we should be able to learn it faster?  Sometimes it just takes a lot time to learn things.   In one of the talks on Sunday she said, “we show patience when we let the Lord work in our lives instead of us trying to force it.”   And I think that is so insightful.  We aren’t patient with ourselves or others when we are trying to force the issue instead of it working itself out in its own time.  In Mosiah 3:19 it says “becometh as a child, patient.”  Just as a child is patient to learn how to do up all their buttons on their shirt, we too can be that way when we just let things be learned in their own time, as the Lord does with us.   In D&C 92:26 it says “Bear it patiently, your reward shall be doubled” - so when we are patient, the reward is even greater that if we had tried to force the issue ourselves.  Think about how excited the toddler is when they did it all by themselves.  But if you force the issue, and take over because you can do it better and faster, and they never learn, you miss that.   So I’ve mentioned before that I have a 16-year old daughter, Carly, who is bi-polar.  Being her mother is so rewarding, but it definitely has its challenges.  Over the years I have had to learn great patience.  And really, its only been in the last couple of years that I’ve seen huge changes in myself with this.  For years, I prayed for patience with her and I think the Lord just laughed because I really wasn’t doing anything to make that happen.  So he wasn’t just going to give me patience.  I had to work for it.     I used to wake up in the morning and pretty much gear up for a fight.  Every single day was a struggle with her.  But when I started my day with prayer, scripture study, and meditation, my mind was more more clear and when the fights came, I didn’t escalate with her (which is what I had done in the past).  I had really wanted the Lord to help HER change and what needed to happen was for me to change.  For me to make changes to put my mind in a more peaceful place.  I also needed to gain more understanding and compassion for what she was going through.   She would throw HUGE tantrums, long after she should have been throwing tantrums.” and my thoughts were “You are too old to be doing this.  You should KNOW better.”  Which caused ME to be impatient with her.  But when my thoughts changed to “what are the thoughts in your head that are bringing out these emotions and how can I help” instead or “there must so much going on inside that you don’t know how to control this” and began to really see that she DIDN’T know how to control it, I began to be much more compassionate and patient with her.   Now, let’s think about this concept in relationship to your marriage.  When you are IMPATIENT with your spouse it is because you THINK they should KNOW better and should DO better.  Right?  But what if they don’t?  What if they haven’t learned that lesson yet?  What if trying to FORCE the issue is making it worse?  What if you were to drop all expectations of your spouse and the only reason they were there was for you to LOVE them?  Now, I know, I know you are like WHAT???? Of course I have expectations of my spouse.  But what if you didn’t?  What if you just LOVED them for them with no conditions or expectations?  What would happen in your marriage?   Now, having no expectations doesn’t mean you can’t make requests.  It doesn’t mean you can’t sit down with your spouse and figure out who is going to take what responsibilities as equal partners in marriage.  But what if it just meant that you wouldn’t try and FORCE any of the issues?  That you just acted out of LOVE all the time because you know that always gives you your best results?  What if when they did or didn’t do something that you don’t like, you didn’t make it mean things about you?  Like - “if he loved me he would do this….or he would just know I need this” or “if he loved me he wouldn’t do that”  because I guarantee that most of the time they aren’t purposely trying to hurt you.  They are just oblivious and unknowing, even if they really should know.   When your toddler is acting out or doing something, you are acting out of LOVE when you try to help them.  Why can’t it be the same way with your spouse?           So that is patience!  Patience is not trying to force issues, but just letting them work on in their own time.  Patience is all about LOVE.  And when we are acting out of Love we are always our best self.

So when you think about your past, are there things you don’t like about it?  Are there maybe some good parts that you have forgotten or ignored?  Let me show you how you can change your past….or at least how you think about it!       Show Summary   When I begin working with my clients I ask them to name 10 things that have happened in their life.  I ask them to do this because it gives me an idea of what they are focused on.  Sometimes they give me a list of big moments, sometimes its chronological, sometimes its all positive, sometimes it all negative.  Sometimes its a mix.  Sometimes its just the facts and sometimes there’s a lot of feelings involved.  But its really about HOW they see their life.  It’s HOW they THINK about their life.   If I were to ask you about your past, you’ll tell me a story.  You’ll tell me about how YOU think about your past.  But what most people don’t really understand is that because its in the past the ONLY thing that effects you today is how you THINK about it.  The only place the past exists is in your mind.  It’s a story.  Sure, there may be some facts mixed in there, but most of it is just a story you tell yourself and others.  And guess what….because of that, you can change it!   I know, I know…you are thinking that I’m totally nuts.  You can’t change your past.  The past is the past and there is no changing it.  And that is where you are wrong!  You can absolutely change it.  You may not be able to change the facts, but you can absolutely change how you think about it.  How do you do that?  You tell a different story.   So let me give you an example -    Growing up, I had a great childhood.  I was the oldest child with two loving parents.  I lived in an amazing neighborhood where everyone looked out for each other and I had tons of friends.  I grew up 10 minutes away from both sets of grandparents and was constantly surrounded by aunt, uncles, and cousins.  When I was 14, my dad got a new job and I was ripped away from everything that I knew and moved across the country to the East Coast.  We no longer had friends and family around.  I had grown up in the Mormon bubble of Utah and was horrified by the outside world.  I struggled to make friends because very few had the same standards as I did.  It was an awful experience.  I could not wait to get back to Utah and back to my comfort zone.   Ok - that is version one.  And everything in it is true.  But here is the same thing, told differently….   Growing up, I had a great childhood.  I was the oldest child with two loving parents.  We lived in a very close knit neighborhood where everyone looked out for each other and I had a lot of friends.  My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all lived close and I loved being around them all the time.  When I was 14, my dad got a new job and we were going to move across the country.  I was so excited for this new opportunity.  I love change and I couldn’t wait to experience something knew.  But while I was excited for the experience, it definitely wasn’t easy.  I struggled making friends because most had different beliefs and standards that I did.  But I found that it really made me figure out who I was and cemented my testimony in the gospel.  But living back east gave me some new experiences that I never would have had in Utah.  I was surrounded by history with Washington DC, Gettysburg, and Philadelphia just hours away.  We had tons of visitors and we loved showing them all the sites.  When my dad got relocated back to Utah, I was really happy to get back to being around lots of family, because I had missed that.  But I was really grateful for the experiences that I had had and how it had made me grow.   Do you see the difference?  Both stories are completely true.  But in the first one I focused on the negative.  I did struggle.  But as I stated in the second one, it really made me who I am today.  It’s all about how you look at it.   So when you think about your past, are there things you don’t like about it?  Are there maybe some good parts that you have forgotten or ignored?  Choose to remember and focus on them.  And when you do, you change your past.   Now, I know there are things, horrible things, that have happened in some people’s past and you’re saying “well thats not just something I can focus on the positive and get over.” and I totally agree with you.  But it is still a perception of how you look at it and what you decide to focus on after.  Now, I am not dismissing things like PTSD, those are completely real and need to be dealt with by a professional, but even things that were traumatic can be helped with thought work.  For example -    There is a woman I know who was assaulted by a stranger in her home at night when her husband was away.  This was obviously traumatizing.  Now, she could have continued to focus on it and the trauma and the victimization she endured.  She could holed up in her house and not talked to anyone and lived in fear that it might happen again the rest of her life.   But instead, she chose to say “this is what happened to me, I’m not sure why, but it did, but it does NOT define me and I will not let it stop me from living my life and blessing other people.”   You have to LET GO of the things you can’t control (and you can’t control the past) and ACCEPT the past for what it is but move FORWARD with love and peace for yourself and others so that you can be happy.  I understand that accepting some things in your past is hard.  But what other choice is there? Really?  You can’t change the facts, so acceptance and changing the way you think about it is the only way to move forward.  And if you need some help doing that, let me know!    

Are you one of those people who gets offended by what other people say?  If someone says something about you, does it hurt you?  Let me teach you why other people’s opinions are none of your business…because they aren’t actually about YOU.  It’s really about them!  And when you figure that out, it is amazingly freeing!   Show Summary   In October of last year I was introduced to a concept that changed my life.  My life coach told me that other people’s opinions were none of my business.  There was MY business, God’s Business, and other’s business.  I could control my own thoughts and behaviors, but I couldn’t control anything else, and really, it was none of my business.  And I was like….WHAT????  As a person who really tried to control as much as I possibly could, this news was life changing.  I mean…it seems like it would be common sense, but how often do we try to control and manipulate the behaviors, thoughts, and opinions of others?  But realizing how true it actually was, was incredibly freeing!  I was learning how to control my own thoughts and emotions, but not having to worry about how others were thinking and feeling (because I really have no control over it anyway) really lightened my load.   So I have a few examples I want to share with you that have happened to me in the last couple of weeks.   The first story, is kind of disgusting, so I hope I don’t gross you out too much.  My daughter had a softball tournament and we took our trailer and stayed at the tournament for a few days.  On our way home we pulled into our local camping store to dump our black tank.  There were already two trailers there dumping, so we had to wait.  We watched one of the trailers move back and forth to position their trailer just right.  And then all of the sudden they dumped their black tank out on the cement without using a hose to put it directly into the hole!  Then they used their water hose to try and spray it into the hole.  It was absolutely disgusting and we were flabbergasted!  When the other trailer pulled away and we were getting ready to pull into position, I decided to go and talk to the couple.  I was really trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and was trying to be really nice about it.  I walked up and asked them if this was their first time dumping?  (Because I don’t know, maybe they are brand new to trailers and didn’t know you needed a hose????)  They said no and they lost their hose.  So still trying to be nice, I tried to explain that you can’t just dump raw sewage all over the ground and if they didn’t have a hose they should have waited until they got one before dumping.  Well this made them pretty mad and the man started yelling expletives at me and calling me pretty much the worst name you can call someone.  So I just walked away at that point.  My husband (who had been putting our own trailer into position) then took over and told them that he works with the EPA (he is in charge of the environmental stuff at the plant he works at) and what they were doing was illegal.  That he was taking pictures of their license plates and would be reporting them to the health department.  Oh, and you can’t talk to his wife that way!)  So why do I tell that disgusting story?  In the past, someone saying something like that to me would have cut me to the core and hurt me so much.  But not this time.  I recognized that  I can’t control him He was probably just embarrassed because he got called out for doing something illegal and lashed out What he said was totally not true!   When someone says something about us, our lower brain kicks into gear to try and protect us.  It puts up its defenses and makes us get angry in return so that we don’t get hurt.  But deep down the thoughts are often “is it true?” and comes back to our innate fear of not being enough.”    When we question our own value and the truth in what is being said about us….THAT is what hurts us.  But if we have confidence in ourselves, our worth as a human, and who we are, nothing anyone says can hurt us.  When people lash out, its really more about them and what they are feeling and thinking than it is about us.  If someone told you that you have blue hair, but you know your hair is brown, you wouldn’t care because you know its not true!  But if someone calls you a name, or makes you feel inadequate in some way, why do you question if its true or not?     The second story is a little bit lighter of a story….thank goodness!  So I had just picked up some pizza from little caesars after a CRAZY busy day.  I turned out of the parking lot onto the road and a guy came flying up behind me (he was driving way too fast, and maybe I shouldn’t have pulled out in front of him, but it was too late at the point).  Not far from where I turned is a light that was red anyway, so we both had to stop.  But as he came up behind me I could see him flipping me off in my mirror.  Then as I pulled up to the light to go straight, he pulled into the turn lane on my left.  I could see him yelling and screaming at me and flipping me off.  And I just laughed and smiled and waved and mouthed sorry!  Oh…he did NOT like that.  But seriously…what could I have done at that point.  He was choosing to get mad and I chose to ignore his anger and just continue happily on my way.  Poor guy…he must have been having such a miserable day to get that angry over someone puling out in front of him.   But you see how I didn’t make it about me?  Because it really wasn’t.  It was about him and where he is in his life in that moment.  And that’s why his opinion is really none of my business.  I get to control me.  He gets to control (or not control) him.  Isn’t that so empowering????    So here is another example - a few years ago I said something I probably shouldn’t have.  It wasn’t said in a malicious, gossipy, or mean way AT ALL!  It was something I was just curious about so I could gain more understanding of a situation.  But that was not the way it was taken.  The woman confronted me, and while I tried to explain where I was coming from and apologize, she was NOT having it.  To this day (and it’s been 3 years!) she won’t talk to me and badmouths me in public.  It even got to the point where I had to block her on facebook.  But I’ve come to realize that she is coming from a place of hurt and pain.  What I said hit a nerve.  And while it makes me sad that she continues to be hurt by it, there is really nothing I can do at this point except continue to be kind and have compassion for where she is at.  Its just kind of sad.     So again… her opinion is none of my business.  Because its about her.  Where she is in HER life right now.  If what I had said was preposterous to her she wouldn’t have cared.  But apparently I hit a nerve, even though I didn’t mean to.  And I feel sad.  I regret even asking (even though it wasn’t done maliciously) because it caused her pain.   So when I say its none of your business, I don’t mean you should go out saying and doing things that you know will purposely hurt people….of course not!  But you can’t control how people are going to think and feel…that’s about them.  So you just live your life the best you can, worry about your own thoughts and your own emotions, take control and ownership of that (because that is hard enough!) and not worry about everyone else’s.   Now - this goes not only for strangers, or neighbors, but for members of your own family.  You can’t control how your husband or your children or your siblings or your parents, or friends or anyone is going to act, think, or feel.  But if you are acting out of LOVE in every situation, then no matter what the result you will know that you are doing the right thing.  Because acting out of LOVE is ALWAYS the best option and ALWAYS right.   Ok my friends, that is all I have for you today.  I’ll see you next week!

Whether you are dealing with a spouse, boss, or neighbor, you often have challenging relationships.  In this podcast I’ll share how you can make them work for you no matter what the circumstance!