The Soloists

As a therapist, Kylee Shields knows that most cultural models for grief fall short when it comes to the full spectrum of loss we experience in life. She likes the term "ambiguous loss," which was coined by psychologist Pauline Boss in the 1970s to describe losses without clear beginnings or endings—someone physically present but psychologically absent (dementia), or physically absent but psychologically present (missing persons, deployment). There's no funeral, no casseroles, no public acknowledgment, no timeline for when you're supposed to "get over it"—which creates its own special loneliness.Today, Kylee joins us to explore another type of ambiguous loss: grieving something you never had. As she puts it, "Nobody knows what to do with somebody who has lost the thing they never had." For singles, this might mean mourning the marriage that didn't happen, the children you didn't have, the family story you always pictured. Kylee shares how naming this grief has expanded her empathy and inspired her to create "belonging places" where people can talk about life's "unspeakable" aspects—including through her own podcast, The Belonging Place.Our conversation ventures into unexpected territory, including what we're calling "ambiguous joy"—those gifts and freedoms that emerge from paths we never chose but rarely get acknowledged or celebrated. Turns out joy, like grief, can be surprisingly complicated to hold. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thesoloists.substack.com

The promise of technology is that it can extend human capacity and even help us transcend biological limitations. But when it comes to human relationships, does it actually strengthen our capacity to love, commit, and build families, or does it quietly erode our capacity to be together? This is a live question, as digital and medical technologies increasingly shape how we meet, fall in love, marry, and have children (or don’t.) That’s not to mention the specter of AI-mediated romance.Today’s guest, Carl Youngblood, founded the Mormon Transhumanist Association in 2006 to host conversations between the seemingly disparate worlds of faith and technological advancement. Each year, the association convenes an annual conference and smaller gatherings where the aims of technological enhancement and spiritual development are explored side by side—sometimes reinforcing each other, sometimes colliding head-on.On today’s episode of The Soloists, Carl shares about on a recent conference he attended in Berkeley, California that focused on reproductive technologies and the future of human enhancement—topics that might sound like science fiction but are edging closer to scientific reality. While we hope to dig into the details in a future conversation, this one centers on more fundamental questions: Should we feel hopeful or despairing about humanity’s technological trajectory? Is the promise of transhumanism—that we can steer our own evolution—visionary or dangerously hubristic? Are we creating a better world, or new, unintended problems for future generations to untangle?You'll probably feel at the end of this conversation, like we did, that we've barely scratched the surface. We hope to have future conversations with Carl and others about how technology will shape the future of family and all our other relationships. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thesoloists.substack.com

In her forthcoming book, sex therapist and new author Jennifer Finlayson-Fife will be making the case that sexual and spiritual wholeness are inseparably connected. Jennifer has helped thousands of couples to reach deeper levels of intimacy and joy by illuminating this connection in her teaching and coaching. But what does this mean for people who don’t find themselves in straightforward romantic relationships? How should singles relate to sexuality, especially in a religious subculture that forbids many forms of sexual expression outside marriage? In this episode of The Soloists, Jennifer joins Diana and Mallory to discuss. Ultimately, Jennifer argues, erotic intimacy requires integrity, no matter our situation. Integrity requires grappling with a complex moral landscape. She explains her three-stage model of moral development, from the obedience of childhood to the belonging-focused conformity of adolescence, to the conscience-driven integrity of mature adulthood. Naturally, these stages introduce conflicting moral impulses. Yet "We should never let obedience or loyalty interfere with our conscience," she says. "Our conscience is primary." For singles grappling with the law of chastity, Jennifer reframes the conversation around what it means to be honest about life and at peace with your sexuality—whether you're having sex or not. She also challenges the idea that pleasure and indulgence are the same thing. "Are our pleasures opening up our souls or shutting them down?" she asks. "Do they make us feel truer to ourselves and to our core, or are they a betrayal of ourselves?" Even for couples, she reminds, "the quality of your relationships is directly proportional to your tolerance for not getting what you want.” This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thesoloists.substack.com

Most of life’s major decisions come with centuries of accumulated wisdom. Think of any coming of age decision — picking a marriage partner, selecting a vocation, or making religious commitments— and you’ll never find the bottom of literary, philosophical, and spiritual discussion on it. Becoming a single parent by choice is not one of those decisions. The assisted reproductive technologies (ART) that make this choice possible have only been widely available since the late 20th century. Like many new technologies, ART open up a way to build a family that have never before been available before, and the intimate decision to use them to start a family of one’s own is relatively unexplored.This week on The Soloists, we sit down with Jennifer Anderson and Troy Smith—two Latter-day Saints who chose to become parents on their own. Jennifer is a strategic consultant with a five-year-old daughter. Troy is an economist and solo father to two boys. We talk about how they each approached this decision in the absence of clear cultural or spiritual scaffolding, what the process was like—physically, financially, and spiritually—and how life feels on the other side. “The fact that those options exist in the world today is a miracle for me,” Troy told us. “I felt that my heart would never, ever heal again,” Jennifer shared, “But my daughter healed my heart.”You can read more from Troy at singlefatherbychoice.substack.com. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thesoloists.substack.com

In a world that tends to lionize romantic partnerships as life's ultimate destination, what if we've been quietly undervaluing one of our most sustaining relationships? This week, we talked with Adam Staveski and Jordan Hunter —two humans who have cracked the code on being genuinely excellent friends. Adam brings his delightfully systematic approach to friendship (yes, there's a spreadsheet involved, and no, it's not as clinical as it sounds), while Jordan shares wisdom on how to authentically connect with people. Both offer tips for building friendships during life stages that don’t allow it to happen naturally. One of the anchors of our conversation was Adam’s garden metaphor: some friends are tall trees (the ones who will weather all the storms of life with you), others are sturdy bushes (reliable but not requiring daily watering), some are delightful flowers (seasonal but highly appreciated), and others are just grass (pleasant part of the social backdrop). It sounds harsh until you realize it's actually liberating—not every relationship needs to be everything, and that's perfectly fine. Noticing these distinctions can help us move more intentionally through our relationships.We also dive into friendship breakups, the art of not taking things personally, how to cope with the inherent seasonality of friendships, including the hurt when someone gets a new romantic partner and disappears, and what it means to choose a relationship "for relationship's sake." This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thesoloists.substack.com

Today we’re sharing a conversation with Christine Emba, a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute and author of Rethinking Sex: A Provocation. Her book takes a hard look at the messiness of modern sexual culture—especially the way we’ve come to rely on this “hands off” ethic that says as long as something’s consensual, it’s fine. But what happens when consent isn’t enough for people to get the types of relationships they’re looking for?Mallory and Diana, meanwhile, can speak to the ups and downs of belonging to a religious culture that takes the opposite approach, where leaders emphasize the spiritual and relational stakes of sex and actively guiding decision-making. We talk with Christine about the trade-offs. What do we lose when we make sex entirely private and individual? What do we gain when it’s seen as something shaped by community? how do we discourage harmful behaviors without piling on shame? How do you take sex seriously without making everyone weird about it?Se also get into the gender question—like whether we should acknowledge that, on average, men and women want different things when it comes to sex. Should we be building cultural expectations around those differences? Or are gender norms the thing we need to keep trying break free from?We loved this conversation—and Christine gave us a lot to think about. Let us know what you think in the comments. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thesoloists.substack.com

Lindsey Stirling is famous for doing something no one has seen before — blending classical violin with high-octane choreography, viral-era savvy, and a fiercely original sense of style. She’s not just a performer, but a disciplined creative and strategic thinker who built a global career on her own terms.In this episode of The Soloists, Lindsey talks candidly about painful parts of her life that her public success hasn’t managed to alleviate — the hurt of others’ judgment, the heartbreak of betrayal, the constraints of gender expectations, and the quiet recalibrations that follow disappointment. Lindsey also shares how her faith has evolved in recent years, drawing wisdom from other traditions while remaining rooted in her Latter-day Saint identity. And she speaks with unexpected joy about aging: “I always thought my thirties would be the best time of life — but now I kind of think it might be my forties. I’ve worked through a lot. I’m clearer. I’m excited.” This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thesoloists.substack.com

Over the next couple of months, Mallory and Diana will be hosting conversations to explore shifting norms around dating and marriage in LDS culture, and this is a first dip into the question. This conversation is a bit bigger picture and less LDS-specific, though we start by talking about a change in the Church’s summer youth program, For the Strength of Youth (formerly called Especially For Youth) that brings it close to home: the young men and young women aren’t required to link arms anymore when they walk between classes! This change might not seem like a big deal, but the uncomfortable social ritual of linking arms may have had some overlooked benefits. It was the kind of gentle, safe, chaperoned push out of one’s social comfort zone that some researchers say young people are increasingly missing in their lives, leading to increased loneliness, mental health concerns, and suspicion of others. In this episode, researchers Daniel Cox and Kelsey Eyre Hammond joined Diana (Mallory was out of town) for a conversation about changes in young adults’ beliefs, behaviors, and relationships with one another. They discuss the phenomenon that some are calling “gender polarization,” which refers to young men and young women growing apart politically, religiously, and generally in what they want out of life. This is already leading many to give up on dating and hopes of partnership.After listening, we’d love to hear in the comments: do you think this change in the FSY/EFY program was a good thing? This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thesoloists.substack.com

No friendship is free from unfunny jokes and no romance is spared from chewing noises. Buddhist Jonathan Makransky joins Mallory and Diana to discuss why irritation arises in intimate relationships and what to do about it. We cover insights from Seinfeld, What about Bob, angsty Reddit confessions, and a book Jonathan recommended: Awakening Dignity, by Phakchok Rinpoche. You’ll also hear a theory for why the “ick” has come to rule across the dating landscape. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thesoloists.substack.com

What do I really want? It’s a question that sounds simple—until you try to answer it with your whole life. Diana and Mallory spoke with writer Michaelann Gardner, author of the new book Sovereign, about the quiet, sometimes heartbreaking work of discerning our most sacred desires and being true to them. Once we can fully see what we want, it gets easier to build a life of alignment. And if life won’t allow that to happen, we are better prepared to grieve and let go.In this conversation, Michaelann shares her decision to pursue motherhood on her own, without a partner, after so long of waiting for the typical family set up to arrive. "I had to ask myself, what if the life I thought I was supposed to have just… doesn’t come? What if this is it?” Her story becomes a gateway into a deeper exploration of what it means to live the real life in front of us, rather than living for a life not here.Together, they discuss how growing up in a religious context can train us to ignore or outsource desire, and what it takes to unlearn that habit without losing our faith. They reflect on the cost of honesty, the subtle difference between surrender and avoidance, and the strange holiness of longing that doesn’t resolve. This is an episode for anyone standing at a crossroads—wondering if it’s time to wait longer, grieve deeper, or finally choose. And it’s a conversation that gently insists: your real life is worth wanting. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thesoloists.substack.com