Liberating Motherhood

“We need to figure out how to create political, social solidarity that is not reliant on some sort of fantasy that they have to see us, hear us, etc. That idea that we need to be in perfect harmony to work together is not going to happen. It’s a fool’s errand, a waste of time and energy. That doesn’t mean you can’t work with somebody…There’s so much energy wasted in the left on coming to consensus. You don’t need consensus. You need solidarity.” — Jessa Crispin I discovered Jessa Crispin shortly after Donald Trump was elected, when I stumbled across “Why I am Not a Feminist.” I thought it was going to be another annoying anti-feminist tome, or a moderate feminist insisting we need to be less radical. It was neither. It was so tightly argued, so compelling and thoughtful, that when her publicist reached out to me about appearing on the podcast, I literally squealed. Jessa is a cultural critic who talks about feminism, relationships, literature, and film. She has done SO MUCH. She knows so much. I adore her, even when I disagree with her, and I think you’ll love her to. Some of what we talk about in this wide-reaching episode: Building consensus vs solidarity, and why the left in the United States is so ineffective. How the Trump administration shifted feminist discourse. What if we just got rid of all the men? The zombie patriarchy, and why it makes everything so confusing. Why Jessa believes patriarchy doesn’t really exist anymore (but don’t send her hate mail; this doesn’t mean she thinks misogyny is done or feminism is pointless). Why women continue to enter into marriages, which serve as a key tool of oppression. Spoiler alert: it’s because marriage opens access to resources that are increasingly inaccessible. The challenges of living a principled, purposeful life. About Jessa Crispin Jessa Crispin is the author of several books, including Why I Am Not a Feminist: A Feminist Manifesto, The Dead Ladies Project, and My Three Dads. She is the editor and founder of The Culture We Deserve as well as host with Nico Rodriguez of TCWD weekly podcast. In 2002, she launched Bookslut.com, one of the first and most treasured literary websites of the era; it ran for fifteen years. She is originally from Lincoln, Kansas, and currently lives in Philadelphia. Jessa’s latest book, What is Wrong With Men?, explores feminism and masculinity through Michael Douglas films. Her Substack, The Culture We Deserve, is amazing. I have links to all of Jessa’s books, as well as a long list of recommended texts, on the Liberating Motherhood Bookshop.org page. If you like this podcast or find my work valuable, I hope you’ll consider supporting it! Your paid support ensures I never have to take advertiser dollars, and am beholden only to my readership. You’ll also get access to one more podcast episode each month, eight additional pieces of written work, and membership in the Liberating Motherhood Community. You can also support this podcast for free! Heart-reacting makes a huge difference, as does commenting and sharing on social media. If you listen to this podcast on a podcast platform, please leave a positive review; it makes a huge difference. Oh, and tell the people you love about this podcast too! My next podcast episode will be out two weeks from today, and I’ll be talking about misandry, man-hatred, what it means to hate men, and whether I hate men.

Misogyny isn’t really about hating women. After all, if pure hate explained everything, wouldn’t that mean that only mean men abuse women, and that misogynists never seek relationships with women? Men are able to mistreat women they claim to love because of the internal logic of misogyny. They’re not irrational or unhinged; they’re following a set of rules rooted in entitlement.  Kate Manne is a philosopher who focuses on understanding what’s behind the misogynistic behavior patriarchy creates and enables. She envisions misogyny as a sort of disciplinary tool for reinforcing gendered norms, and preserving men’s access to resources—especially the highly valuable resource of women’s labor.  We cover a lot of ground in this podcast, including:  The reflexive denial in the media of misogyny.  Misogyny as a system for enforcing men’s entitlement to women’s labor.  Why misogyny is not random and not mental illness, but instead a set of corrupt moral values that reflect the values of the wider culture.  Misogyny as more than mere hatred of women, and why certain women may be more impacted by misogyny than others.  How not to hate your husband after children…or maybe you should just hate him.  The normalization of all forms of violence.  The parallels between misogyny and fascism.  Fatphobia as a core element of misogyny.  About Kate Manne  Kate Manne is an associate professor at the Sage School of philosophy at Cornell University. She specializes in moral, social, and feminist philosophy, and has written three books: DOWN GIRL: The Logic of Misogyny (Oxford University Press, 2018), ENTITLED: How Male Privilege Hurts Women (Crown, 2020) and UNSHRINKING: How to Face Fatphobia (Crown, 2024), a National Book Award finalist in non-fiction. In addition to academic work, she regularly writes opinion pieces and essays for a wider audience, including in outlets such as The New York Times, The Cut, The Washington Post, The Atlantic, The Nation, and Time. She writes a substack newsletter, More to Hate, exploring misogyny, fatphobia, and their intersection.

Women are angry, and rightfully so. Yet everywhere we go, men tell us we are too angry, and that if we were just nicer about our oppression, they’d knock if off. Anger, though, is key to women’s liberation. Writer Gemma Hartley is here to tell us why.  About Gemma Hartley (and where to find her) Gemma Hartley is a freelance writer with a BA in writing from The University of Nevada, Reno. She is author of FED UP: Emotional Labor, Women and The Way Forward. She has written a new book, No One Loves an Angry Woman, which will be out new year. Her Substack, No one Loves an Angry Woman, explores feminism, anger, domestic labor inequity, and more. She also has an amazing Substack for writers, called Creative Commitment.

“We depoliticize distress by locating it in the individual.” — Naomi Fisher  Naomi Fisher helped me become a better mother without ever even meeting me. I stumbled across her work when one of my children was dealing with school anxiety. Doing so empowered me to take my child’s distress seriously and trust my instincts as a mother.  In this podcast episode, Dr. Fisher and I discuss the myriad harms of authoritarian parenting practices, that focus on compliance above all else. Dr. Fisher’s work focuses heavily on school anxiety and refusal. Some of the topics we discuss in this episode include:  The weaponization of mom-guilt and mom-shaming to gain compliance from mothers and children.  Why we spend so much time teaching parents not to trust their children’s emotions.  Alternatives to forced compliance, and what to do when a child doesn’t feel like they can go to school.  Why catastrophization plays such a significant role in parenting.  Antidotes to rigid thinking, and what to do when plan A (or B, or C) doesn’t work.  Why the relationship with the child must always come first.  Trusting children to know their needs, and helping them to advocate for those needs.  I absolutely love listening to Dr. Fisher, and I listen to this recording every time I need a pep talk to get through the hard times with my own kids. I hope it will have the same effect on you.  About Dr. Naomi Fisher Naomi Fisher is an independent clinical psychologist. She specializes in trauma, autism and alternative ways to learn. She has a doctorate in clinical psychology from Kings College London (Maudsley), a PhD in developmental cognitive psychology also from Kings College (IoPPN), and a degree in Experimental Psychology from the University of Cambridge. She is the author of four books: Changing Our Minds, The Teenager’s Guide to Burnout, A Different Way to Learn, and When the Naughty Step Makes Things Worse.  I urge everyone to visit her incredible Substack, where you will find so much wisdom.  You can also check out her website here.  Supporting This Podcast This podcast depends on you to survive and thrive!  If you like this podcast, you can help me continue making it with your support! A few free ways to support include: Leaving a positive review on your favorite podcast platform. Liking and sharing the podcast on social media. Heart-reacting the Substack post. If you really love the podcast, you can get more of it by becoming a paid subscriber. Paid Substack subscribers get at least one bonus episode of the podcast each month, as well as eight bonus Substack posts and access to the Liberating Motherhood community.

The silencing and targeting of mothers is a deliberate act of damaging the next generation and attacking women. When we rob mothers of their power, we slow the process of human liberation. Beth Berry is a coach, mentor, and seasoned mother and activist who works with mothers to access their power so they can be changemakers. In this podcast episode, we talked about maternal activism, making friends, and so much more. Here’s some of what we cover: How activists often experience a diminishing of their humanity, and an expectation that we should have limitless capacity and resources, What a sustainable lifetime of activism looks like. The depoliticization of motherhood: Motherhood is inherently political. So why don’t we see issues of maternal justice as political? The critical need for community: how we build it, why we struggle with it and so often lose it. Why self-compassion has to be a part of any revolution. Activism as performance vs. real activism, and why our liberation work must also look inward. Why mothers live in fear of traumatizing their children, and how this can be a tool for controlling them. How the demonization of awkwardness has made it impossible for us to build community. The misuse and weaponization of boundaries work. About Beth Berry Beth Berry is a coach, teacher, author, and mother to four grown daughters. Through her online courses, small groups, and retreats, she helps mothers deconstruct disempowering narratives, deepen and heal their relationship with themselves, better understand and meet their needs, and live more meaningful and liberated lives. Beth began supporting mothers more than 20 years ago as a La Leche League leader. Twelve years ago, she started her popular blog, Revolution From Home, which led to her writing a bestselling book, Motherwhelmed. Today, she teaches workshops and short courses, leads women on year-long healing journeys, and mentors others with a heart for gathering and nurturing mothers. She envisions a future where mothers’ needs are visible and well-met and seeks to co-create a world in which mothers feel beautifully supported and able to create lives they truly love. You can buy her book here. Visit her website here. Check out her amazing Instagram here. Supporting This Podcast If you like this podcast, you can help me continue making it with your support! A few free ways to support include: Leaving a positive review on your favorite podcast platform. Liking and sharing the podcast on social media. Heart-reacting the Substack post. If you really love the podcast, you can get more of it by becoming a paid subscriber. Paid Substack subscribers get at least one bonus episode of the podcast each month, as well as eight bonus Substack posts and access to the Liberating Motherhood community. Liberating Motherhood is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

“I think about and write about this all the time, and yet I still think there’s something wrong with me that it’s so hard for me. It’s so hard to separate what we’ve been told…from the truth, which is that it’s not us.” — Mary Catherine Starr Patriarchy tells everyone motherhood is easy, and demands that mothers perform ease. The pressure to do this conceals the realities of motherhood, convincing us that the highly political challenges of motherhood are personal, individual failings. As a result, we spend our lives on a hamster wheel making lists, going to therapy, and trying to do better rather than demanding better from an oppressive society.  Every woman thinks she’s the only one, but she is not. Because this is not personal; it’s political.  Mary Catherine isn’t just a force of nature; she’s also my childhood friend. So we talk about how our careers have unfolded, too, including dealing with incels and angry readers.  About Mary Catherine Starr Mary Catherine Starr is a mother-of-two and a graphic designer, illustrator, yoga teacher, and the artist behind the Instagram account @momlife_comics. Mary Catherine's work focuses on the challenges of marriage, motherhood, double standards, and inequality in both the household and the workplace. She is passionate about speaking up for women and bringing awareness to the mental load + invisible labor of motherhood. Mary Catherine lives in Massachusetts with her family and her son’s large collection of plastic dinosaurs. Her first book, a comic memoir entitled Mama Needs a Minute!, will be out on March 11th, 2025. You can follow Mary Catherine’s comic strip here.  Buy her amazing book here.  Follow Mary Catherine on Substack here.  Visit her website here. 

The Patriarchal Playbook is my term for the set of canned responses, expectations, and norms men follow without thinking. This concept helps clarify why the behavior of sexist men is both predictable and often nonsensical. In this episode, Jeff and I discuss how that playbook damages heterosexual relationships and limits women’s options. We also go on a lot of sidequests, because we recorded this at night after not having seen each other all day. Jeff talks a lot about the norms into which men are socialized, and how they’re a poor fit for relationships or being functional humans, let alone being decent partners to women. We go on side tangents about my continuously failing weightlifting hobby, talk about why men have such bad hygiene, and have a fake fight. Jeff also somewhat randomly interviews me about the scope and nature of my work at the end. We also talk about the book I’m writing, and Jeff discusses his own pet topic: the police state. We talk a lot about my work on men and hygiene. You can find those pieces here and here. I outlined the specifics of The Patriarchal Playbook in my Weapons Men Use and Gaslighting Inequality series, as well as in this piece on what to expect when you leave your partner. I hope you’ll check out the newish Liberating Motherhood website, which has a TON of resources. As always, liking, commenting, and leaving positive reviews are all great ways to support this podcast, thereby ensuring it can continue!

The Trump presidency presents parents with a host of challenges. How do we help our kids feel safe while educating them about oppression? How can white parents inspire their kids to be accomplices standing with the most vulnerable? How can we help kids assess the risk this presidency poses to them and act accordingly? And perhaps most importantly, how do we as parents manage our own emotions so we can help our kids manage theirs?  Jo-Ann Finkelstein is an expert on talking to kids about feminism, oppression, and social justice. In the wake of the Trump election, she joined me to discuss how to have these conversations with our kids in a way that is productive rather than scary, and that encourages critical thinking at all ages.  Check out Jo-Ann’s amazing Substack here.  You can buy Jo-Ann’s incredible book, Sexism and Sensibility, here.  I mention GLAHR in this podcast, which is local to me, but they have tons of information that is going to be relevant across the United States. Some other organizations I really love include:  Southern Center for Human Rights Human Rights Defense Center Black Mamas Matter Alliance American Friends Service Committee You can find and contact your elected officials here. 

“What we see is that men do not view us as full humans, as people who can have and make choices.”—Kate Anthony Welcome back! This is the first episode of Season 2 of the Liberating Motherhood podcast. I hope you’ll follow and/or subscribe, because I have some truly amazing guests lined up for this season. Women initiate the overwhelming majority of divorces. The far right, incels, and other groups who hate women have weaponized this fact, suggesting it means women are unhinged and unreasonable. Women know the reality: marriage is a bad deal for us, and most women are unhappy in their marriages. Divorce coach and author Kate Anthony helps women navigate the journey from unhappiness through divorce and to the other side. In this podcast episode, we talk about when to stay and when to go, planning your divorce, what to expect from the court system, and so much more. Kate offers a healthy relationship checklist which may help you assess your relationship. We talk briefly about reunification camps. Grant Wyeth has done amazing work on the the abusive family court system. Find him here. You can learn more about reunification camps here. About Kate Anthony Kate Anthony is the author of The D Word: Making the Ultimate Decision About Your Marriage, host of the critically acclaimed and New York Times recommended The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast, and the creator of the groundbreaking online coaching program Should I Stay or Should I Go? This program empowers women to navigate one of the most challenging decisions of their lives through a combination of coaching tools, relationship education, neuroscience insights, community support, and deep self-work. With a background in acting, Kate spent 30 years in front of the camera, including five years on Sesame Street and five years on Grey’s Anatomy. Her transition into coaching was fueled by a desire to help women find strength, confidence, and clarity in even the most disempowering circumstances. She is committed to guiding her clients to move forward with purpose and create plans that prioritize putting their children at the center—not in the middle—of all decisions. Kate brings a wealth of expertise to her work, with over 500 hours of training in various coaching modalities from top organizations. She is certified as a Domestic Violence Victim’s Advocate by the state of California, a Co-Parenting Specialist by the Mosten Guthrie Academy, and a High Conflict Divorce Coach by Tina Swithin’s High Conflict Divorce Coaching Certification Program. Kate is also widely recognized as an authority in communication, co-parenting, divorce, and emotional intelligence. Beyond her private practice, she has coached Fortune 500 executives in communication and emotional intelligence. Kate lives in Los Angeles with her son, whom she lovingly co-parents with her ex-husband. When she’s not coaching, writing, or podcasting, she enjoys exploring true crime, home design, and animals while supporting her son’s passion for music. Find Kate Anthony Kate’s Amazing Book, The D-Word Kate’s Website You Divorce Survival Guide on Facebook

Family court can be a brutal experience for women, especially those who have experienced abuse, neglect, and violence. While the standards in family courts seem neutral, gender bias has infiltrated every corner of our world, especially our highly conservative court system. Women face an uphill battle, a bias in favor of believing men, and a culture that prioritizes men’s access to their children over children’s safety and well-being. The way you express yourself in family court is critical. You’ll need to be succinct, to present as the sort of “good mother” courts respect, and depict the violence and abuse in a way judges understand. Your lawyer may not know how to help you do this—and even if they do, they may charge you tens of thousands of dollars to help you craft your image. That’s where Kaitlyn comes in. She’s not a substitute for legal advice. She’s a supportive advocate who can help you understand family court norms and better meet judge’s expectations. Her message is a hopeful one: strategy matters, and may radically change the outcome. In this podcast, we talk about tipping the odds more in your favor, effective family court strategies, how trauma can negatively impact advocacy, and how to anticipate and manage bias. You can visit Kaitlyn on Instagram here. Kaitlyn offers one-on-one family court strategy sessions, and you can book a session with her here. Some other resources from Kaitlyn include: Kaitlyn’s Substack Kaitlyn’s downloadable family court guides Support Kaitlyn’s work In the next few weeks, I’ll be talking quite a bit about how courts fail to protect women, including to the point of allowing their partners to murder them. So if you’re not a subscriber, sign up now to get it all in your inbox.