Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld. Today's topics are about people who seek and only feel relief if they have deep understanding about certain subjects, a parent who appears worn out from an estranged adult child, and a young man unsure about a long-term relationship. Listener Questions: Throughout my life, I continue to encounter people who have a deep attachment to understanding. They seem to only feel satisfied, secure or at peace if they understand their object of attention, feel they have a concrete plan of action, or believe that they know all the details there are to know about a situation. Not having these things leaves them anxious, unsteady or even prone to despair. What personality and evolutionary factors are at play here? Most "experts" blame the parents when their adult children estrange from them. Even when there was no abuse, neglect, drugs,etc when they were growng up, and their childhood seemed pretty normal and enriched with activities, family vacations, etc. Is there something else going on? Trying to reconnect or talk may yields a peripheral relationship, meaning once or twice a year a text or phonically for the holiday, yet as older parents, we not only lose closeness with our own children, but our grandchildren grow up unaware of who their grandparents are. The question is, as a parent of two out of three adult children, am I wrong to just be worn out from hoping and trying and wanting to just wish them well now, and move on with my life? It's been so many years they seem like strangers to me anyway.  I'm curious to know more about the 'magic 10%' and how that is impacted by personality. For context, I'm a 32 year old male dating a 30 year old female. I'm high in conscientiousness, low in neuroticism, slightly more disagreeable, slightly more open and slightly more introverted. I've had many sexual partner's over the years, mostly by female's approaching me (I feel gross writing this but think it is relevant for context) but was never in the right frame of mind to settle down. Now I am in my 30s and want to start a family. I have started dating a beautiful girl who I have strong feelings for, though I'm unsure if it is love. She is high in neuroticism, and middle of the road in most other traits. She very much loves me and I really enjoy her affection and spending time with her. I'm unsure how much my personality prevents me from feeling the love that she feels as it is evident to me that she loves me more than I love her. We have started talking about the future, kids, house etc and these are things that we both truly want. My line of thinking is simliar to a 'close enough is good enough', although I know that sounds crass. I would like to know this information as I don't want to turn around one day and have ruined this beautiful girl's life/wasted her time as these are very important years for her in particular.   Follow us: YT: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD, discuss the following listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld. 1. What do you make of the common description that narcissistic/highly disagreeable people “wear a mask.” Do high disagreeables go around actively and purposefully fooling people about their true feelings and intentions any more than other people do? We all try to put on a good face for the most part, but is this actually more true for certain personalities types? 2. I discovered your podcast a while ago, and I've been fascinated. However, something sat not quite well with me, and that is that I couldn't integrate my experience of trauma within your framework. I've been raised by Narcissistic people, and ever since then, I found myself regularly in Close relationships with various narcissistic people. As far as I understand you, this is purely because those can be attractive people and has nothing to do with my upbringing. And I think it does; I think that simply my cost benefit analysis has been skewed that way: that I would consider my parents being worth my while and to avoid cognitive dissonance, I would also accept bad treatment from other people. Or is Cognitive dissonance not a thing in evolutionary psychology? I'd be glad if you could comment on that. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes Host: Nathan Gershfeld                               Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us  Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus - Licensed for use

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses a listener question with host, Nathan Gershfeld. In episode 328 dr lisle answered a questioner who was frustrated about their lower income relative to friends. One aspect of that question was that life isn’t always about making money or climbing dominance hierarchies. In fact the very same instincts to keep pursing more can lead you to being unhappy. How then does one navigate when to pursue more and when to beat the genes? Are there any rough approximations for gauging this? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes Host: Nathan Gershfeld                               Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D.  Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us  Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus - Licensed for use

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD discuss twin studies, behavioral genetics, and the logic of evolutionary psychology with host, Nathan Gershfeld Paper mentioned : https://tinyurl.com/j3c7tbt7 Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes Host: Nathan Gershfeld                               Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us  Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus - Licensed for use

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discuss the following listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld 1.  I’m a 29 year old economics major and I’m frustrated because I see friends who have gone into investment banking, big law or medicine on track to make 5-10x my yearly salary. I’m making a decent living on 60k a year but I feel like an idiot for choosing my major and now it feels too late to change. What would you have to say for someone in my position? It feels like I squandered an opportunity. I know life is not just about making money but it’s a hard thing to ignore. 2.  My daughter is a good student and athlete, but she has low self-esteem. How can I help her increase her confidence?   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes Host: Nathan Gershfeld                               Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us   Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD discuss listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld Today's question:  Is psychology doomed to remain a pseudoscience based on the crowd of people who self select to go into psychology? Im a university student and it from what i can tell, the vast majority of my peers and lecturers have no interest questions like why are we this way, how did we get here? Could it have happened any other way? Instead they are mainly just interested in having self serving theory that make them feel comfortable. With one of my lecturers, i was having a conversation about Norway's adoption studies showing that adopted children had their income, criminality and income correlated with their biological parents and not their adoptive parents. My lecturer said to me “i wouldn’t want to live in a world where genes are all that matter”. It feels to me that the major obstacle to psychology is the 90% of psychologists who think this way, and that no matter how solid the arguments from the other side will be, they will just keep thinking what makes them comfortable and call it a “scientific consensus”. Follow us: YT: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Jen Howk, PhD www.jenhowk.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD & social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD  discuss the following situation with host, Nathan Gershfeld: I cheated on my husband three years ago while traveling for work.  It was a one-night stand and we didn't exchange numbers or keep in contact.  I don't even know his last name.  Until last month, I've never told anyone about this event.  At the time I cheated, I didn't really care because my marriage was rocky and I felt unappreciated.  But my huusband and I reconnected during quarantine and I started to feel extremely guilty.  Last month, I thought I would try going to confession with my parish priest. He said I need to tell my husband as part of my penance.  I wasn't really sure how to do that, so I've sat on it.  Last weekend, I came home to my husband throwing all of my stuff out of the bedroom and trying to kick me out of the hoouse. He knows everything. Apparently, the priest followed up to see if I'd told my husband, and when my husband said he didn't understand what the priest was talking about, he told my husband about the affair.  My whole world is exploding because I thought confession was supposed to be private. Does the priest have any kind of liability or responsibility? What can I do? Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes Host: Nathan Gershfeld                               Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us   Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD discuss listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld: 1. Help! My son just turned 8. He has acquired part of his personality from my mother- he can be loud and will overreact or get really angry about things. This includes being told he needs to stop an activity because we are leaving the house, etc. I am trying to help him manage these outbursts because kids are starting to make fun of him at school for them. Do you have any specific strategies that would help or should I focus more on his diet and sleep? He is normally a sweet boy and these outbursts have improved with age but I feel he needs more support. 2. Is there anything that is the opposite of the ego trap when you have been repeatedly told negative things like that you are worthless and will never amount to anything? If the ego trap is demotivating, is hearing the opposite motivating? If so, can't it also be extremely demotivating as well, especially if your mind is doing a CB analysis of the possibility of success and whether the energy output is worth it, but the people around you are saying that you won't succeed? 3. I have an aunt who is so solipsistic, doesn't enquire about anyone else and is disagreeable. Sitting across the table from her, it's difficult to understand how someone can be so blind to the life of others and narcissistic. She's was divorced by 2 prior husbands. Is disagreeable behavior like this related to the "theory of mind" module and if so can you describe the various demarks on the "theory of mind" bell curve? Follow us: YT: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Jen Howk, PhD www.jenhowk.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD  discusses the following listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld: 1.  I'm trying to decide whether to go back to work a year after my second child, or to stay home with her till preschool. I have heard you say on your podcast 'it doesn't matter who raises your kids' which I understand to be a reference to twin studies that show that parents have very little influence on how their children turn out (outcomes are about 80% genetic). How do you square this with attachment theory, and psychologists who say that children need one primary caregiver for the first three years or they will be beset with anxiety and depression in their teen years. I am thinking of the book 'being there' by Erica Komisar in which she advocates very strongly for being a stay at home mother for the mental health of your children. I would like to have a third child, but being out of the workplace for 6 years would dent our finances and possibly my self esteem. 2. Dear doctors, I grew up in a Christian home but stopped going to church once I left home. All of my immediate family are still very religious and my parents financially support someone who was my best friend in high school, who has become a missionary. I find that dynamic very unfair and recently told both parties that I feel boundaries have been crossed. My friend asked my parents to stop supporting her but they refused. I feel betrayed by my parents. How do you advise I deal with the relationship moving forward? I’ve already ended my friendship but wish I could be emotionally closer to my parents.   Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes   Host: Nathan Gershfeld                               Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D.  Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us   Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus. Licensed for use.  Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD discuss the following listener questions: 1.  Can all personality types be equally happy if they apply diligent effort to worthwhile goals? ie all other things being equal, would a low conscientiousness individual be as happy as a high conscientiousness individual if they both applied their version of diligent effort and equally felt they hadn't left 'anything on the table' (despite those levels of effort and results being very different) 2. You have previously characterized men as "pair bonders or not." How has on-line dating changed the CB here for both sexes? 3. I am 51, happily married for 2 decades and have 1 child. We recently had a huge fight regarding whether we have a responsibility to help others. We have a friend who had a messy, complicated divorce and is struggling financially while still fighting her ex in court over child custody and business matters. He is a lying, unpredictable scam artist . As much as I feel sorry for our friend, I would like to keep a distance from this situation. Last time we saw her my husband offered to pay for a lawyer, and an accountant. While we live comfortably, we do not have the money this woman would need to become unentangled. When we got home I started yelling that my husband should not have made this offer because we really cannot afford it and I don't want her criminal ex husband knowing that we are helping her. While my cavewoman instinct was to protect my financial stability, I found it more effective to (over)emphasize the physical threat this could have on me since my husband travels a lot and her ex knows where we live. The fight escalated as my husband accused me of being selfish, uncharitable, and unwilling to help. I said that my time and energy go into taking care of my home and our family. We have already given this friend money and our time over the years. From an Evo-psych point of view, I understand that I feel a threat to my resources (financially and emotionally) as well as safety. My husband does not see this situation at all like I do. Shouldn't a cave-man have the instinct to primarily care for his family (only) and not spread their resources to another man's family??  Sidenote: while my son likes her kids, I would like to avoid any possible bad influence as one is already dabbling with marijuana. So, threat to offspring is another concern... Please offer any insight you have. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Host: Nathan Gershfeld                               Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website:  www.BeatYourGenes.org Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : www.TrueToLife.us   Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus