Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, we discuss  different questions on social anxiety and finish with a short question about dating. 1. Is there a social strategy that involves not competing in an effort not to be seen as a threat? I am a woman and believe I notice in myself a tendency to make myself small around other women. I do this in interactions with women who are both more and less attractive than I am. I have lately come to believe the result is often that they dismiss me as not interesting or relevant, although my goal is to make friends. When I force myself to behave more assertively, I have better long term social result, but it is hard to sustain in ongoing interactions and it causes me rumination and social anxiety. Am I afraid of unleashing my competitive side with people who I want to like me? 2. If the point of everything we do is to find mates and reproduce, why do conditions such as social anxiety exist? I have crippling social anxiety which no therapist has ever been able to fix. I’m a 37 year old woman and I’ve never been on a date because I am just terrified of men. I’m not on the apps, and when I go out in public I avoid men at all costs. How did my ancestors ever find a mate and reproduce with this type of behavior? It just seems counterintuitive to the essence of humanity. 3. Is there anything to be done about emotional instability? I've always felt like a raw nerve trying to navigate through life. I oscillate between very high and very low emotions constantly and when something goes wrong in life I feel it so deeply I become emotionally paralyzed. It makes having relationships hard, as well as trying to get through day to day life. I don't want to go on medication but sometimes I feel like a chemical lobotomy would be a relief. Is there anything to be done? If not, can you explain the genetic reason why a person like this might be beneficial to the tribe so I can focus on a silver lining? 4. In personality, is there a difference between disagreeable and difficult? I know some people who are obviously disagreeable and I do the distance thing with them you suggest, and that works for me. But I also have a few people in my life, with OCD and chronic anxiety who can be kind and nice but unpredictable. Sometimes they are very difficult if they are going through an episode, and it doesn't feel right to just walk away and create distance from the behavior. But usually I can't actually help much either, and things get very muddy and difficult. Can you help me understand the difference, between a disagreeable person (narcissist) and a difficult person (OCD)? Thank you so much. 5. If love is feeling like you are getting a good deal, then what are some techniques to make women feel that way? What are the best ways to make a woman look up to you and seek your approval as a man? How do I communicate that I am better than her? Intro 0:00 Small talk  1:35 Question #1 3:25 Question #2  21:18 Question #3  32:05 Question #4 48:15 Question #5 1:02:45 Wrapping up 1:09:00   Follow us: YouTube: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  Question 1: I had a very traumatic childhood, but I don't blame my experiences with my violent alcoholic mother for any of my stupid adult decisions.  I did those all on my own -- with some help from my parents' genes, of course.  What Dr. Lisle teaches on this topic makes sense to me.  I have a friend who, by any measure, had a much less traumatic childhood.  In fact, I don't think it is fair to say that her childhood was traumatic at all. There weren't any drugs or alcohol in her childhood home, and, according to her, she didn't experience any physical, verbal or sexual abuse. Her physical needs were all taken care of and, at the time, she says she felt very loved by both her parents.  She is no longer close to them.   Looking back over her life at the age of 60, she now believes that her emotional needs weren't properly addressed when she was a child. Consequently, she has recently concluded that her problems stem from an attachment disorder caused by her parents. For the first time, she is calling what she experienced "trauma."  She is convinced that her parents' lack of attentiveness to her emotional needs qualifies as trauma and are at fault for much of her current depression and rage, as well as for her struggle with weight.    My friend is quite disagreeable, whereas I am quite agreeable.   Even among people who truly had a traumatic childhood, I have noticed a pattern:  Disagreeable people are more likely to want to blame someone for their shortcomings and for their life's decisions, whereas agreeable people don't tend to blame anyone.  In this way, it seems that agreeable people may be more readily able to grasp the lessons that Evolutionary Psychology has to offer -- at least in the arena of this important topic of trauma and its role in our lives.  What do you think?   Follow us: YouTube: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.    Intro 0:00 Question #1: 0:30 I have been with the same man for 13 years (since I was 19) and we have 2 children together. Though we have had our ups and downs and areas of incompatibility I believe our relationship is good, I love our family and want it to continue. However there is a part of me that wishes to fall in love with someone new again and feels regret about committing to someone when I was so young. What I don’t understand is the several times we’ve had a relationship crisis it would be him who wanted to leave. At those points the part of me that fantasizes about a new romance completely fades away and all I care about is getting him back again. Why is this? Dr. Lisle answers: 1:18 Question #2: 35:40 I recently shared a passionate kiss with a married man. I'm worried the village might know. Small town and all. I don't want to be labeled as a bad person. This individual likely has their reasons. I believe they are going on 15+ years of marriage, a few kids, ect. Good looking guy in his mid 40's, business owner. If I get confronted, how do I put my words. To help people understand that men are inherently wife wife chippy and it may be understandable for them to kiss a random girl to feel like they are still valued in the market. I want to clarify I unexpectedly was the recipient of this kiss. But I didn't slap him and walk away. It was nice. I feel guilt over the matter and avoiding seeing anyone that may know. I'll let time ride this out and hopefully not have to deal with conflict. If I do, how would you suggest I handle it? Dr. Lisle answers: 36:44 Question #3: 46:18 You focus a great deal of attention on mating strategies, mainly geared towards younger people who are making decisions about passing on genes and pairing up with the right person for resource security and safety. But what about people over 55 who are no longer worried about procreating and looking for financial stability? Are they following the same strategies when looking for a mate or companion? What is driving them? Dr. Lisle answers: 46:45 Outro 1:04:01     Follow us: YouTube: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  Question 1: How do I get back to being happy with so much violence and negativity swirling around in the news and in the world? No matter what has been going on in my life, I have always tended to be happy and optimistic, but recently it feels like everything seems pretty bleak in the world and it is bringing me down. I truly don't have any reason to be unhappy- I am part of a magic 10% marriage, I have a good job and great friends and make good money, and truly, want for nothing, but I am fighting feeling sad and anxious about everything going on around me even though I don't watch the news and am not on social media. Question 2: Dear Dr. Lisle, I’m a 25 year old woman and I am unmotivated, have no career, no passions or purpose in life because my family is extremely rich. I am set to inherit a ton of money (tens of millions of dollars) from my parents, so basically I am set for life if I do absolutely nothing for the rest of my life. I didn’t go to college because I knew I was going to inherit all this money and I didn’t think it was worth it. Now, I literally don’t know what to do with my life. Other people need to work to live. I have more money than they will ever make in their lifetime and I didn’t even do anything to earn it. My parents tell me to do whatever I want because I’ll be rich anyway. I’m embarrassed to date because I have no interesting personality characteristics; I have no career, I’m unmotivated, no passions, no purpose in life. I’m just a spoiled rich girl who inherited daddy’s money, who’s going to love me for who I am? How am I going to spend the next 50 years of my life? I feel unmotivated to do anything because I’m already rich but then I feel guilty for having nothing to offer to the world. What should I do?   Intro 0:00 Question #1: 0:55 Dr. Lisle answers: 1:44 A threshold has been reached 41:53 Understand economics 42:10 Question #2: 46:52 Dr. Lisle answers: 47:55 Outro 1:08:40   Follow us: YouTube: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In today's show, we discuss  staying a virgin until marriage, and what to consider when having second thoughts before marrying.   1. I am a 32 year old female, Catholic and I want to wait until marriage to have sex. Not 10 paid dates, but marriage. However, it seems that nowadays no one is willing to wait. All the religious men I know that are my age are already married or even they didn’t wait. I don’t know what to do. I am still a virgin even at my age and I don’t want to give up my values just because men are used to living in an over sexualized world and want instant gratification. How do I approach this problem? 2. I’m a 45 year old female and about to get married for the first time but have second thoughts. A few years ago I met a man and he is now my fiance and we live together. He is very nice, smart, has a good personality, and is fairly attractive, but I never had intense passionate feelings for him. I never got those "butterflies" I would get whenever I had a crush. I should also note that I’ve never been in a relationship because I never felt ready and have always been busy with other things, and therefore wasted my 20s and 30s from a dating standpoint. My fiance and I get along very well, but a lot of the time it feels more like a comfortable friendship. I would love to have a passionate and meaningful relationship, but I feel that at my age, the good and attractive men have all been taken a long time ago. If I let him go, the older I get, the harder it will be to find someone. However, it also feels that by marrying him, I’m doing both of us a disservice. I also don’t want to be single at this point in my life. Should I go ahead and marry him even if I’m not in love with him?   Intro 0:00 Evolution of politics 1:00 About 10 paid dates comment from last show 7:00 Question #1 about Staying Virgin until Marriage 12:58 Question #2 about having second thoughts in upcoming marriage 35:30 Wrapping up 57:45 Outro 58:31     Follow us: YouTube: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In Today's show, we discuss a listener's struggle with being attracted to men her own age, and then Dr. Lisle discusses a question about whether 10 paid dates strategy is outdated.   To listen to past episodes that discuss 10 paid dates, check out episodes 18, 22, 35, 96, 151, 164, and 284. Today's questions:  1. I’m a 41 year old female. A combination of good genetics, good diet, exercise, good skincare, staying out of the sun have allowed me to look like I’m in my late 20’s even though I am actually 41. I always looked younger than my age and I have what is called a “baby face.” I’m not at all a narcissist, but I would rate myself a 9 even at my age. As a result, I don’t find any of the men my age to be attractive. i have dated men in their 20’s and they were definitely attracted to me, but were turned off when they found out my age, even though I look much younger. My question is, how do I get myself to be attracted to men my age? I find them repulsive.  2. Is the 10 paid dates rule outdated? I spoke to many guys about this and they said that if a girl waited for 10 dates they would assume she is not attracted to them and move on, or that she is just using them to get free meals. They said if they pay they also want something in return. A few have also said that sexual compatibility is a factor in deciding whether they want a relationship with this person, so they wouldn’t enter into a relationship with someone they don’t know they are compatible with. For these reasons do you think that by following the 10 date rule women are missing out on great guys who are misinterpreting their intentions?   Follow us: YT: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

A visionary physician and author, beloved husband, father, grandfather, brother, mentor and friend, Dr. McDougall died peacefully in his sleep at his home on Saturday, June 22nd, at the age of 77. Dr. McDougall leaves behind a profound legacy and in today's show, Dr. Lisle shares some stories and memories of Dr. McDougall. Follow us: YT: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld.  In Today's show, Dr. Lisle discusses the overlap of Big Five traits in normal human behavior and how to understand the conceptual framework rather than getting bogged down in formulaic thinking.  Our next question has to do with anti-anxiety medications and whether they are ever worth taking.  Then we wrap things with a question about being in a great marriage to a best friend but whose romance is fading.  1. The big five traits overlap way too much! for ex is someone nice because they are agreeable or because they are extremely conscientious and believe it is the right way to behave or are they just intelligent enough to understand that being nice is an advantageous strategy to get people to cooperate with them? any new developments in the field of personality? 2. Are there any situations or personality types where you believe taking anti-anxiety medications would be a good choice? Versus just seeing a good anxiety therapist like Dr. Laura Bruce who most likely isn't covered by their insurance anyway? For example, I am high in neuroticism, also high in conscientiousness.. but also impulsive.. and I'm currently working a high pressure job to pay off a low interest loan. But the job is stressful (I came into it and discovered they were operating at a -160k deficit, I'm being transparent with the board but we are still operating at a big deficit and might need to close within a year or two).. and my friend keeps telling me to get some anti-anxiety meds. In this case, if I *need* to do something like work a stressful job for a year, should anti-anxiety meds still be off the table? Why or why not? 3. What does a position of power with respect to marriage look like. For me the biggest threat to leaving a marriage is loneliness. I’m not a super out going guy and I fear that growing old without her companionship will be very depressing. My wife is my best friend and the few friends I do have are couple friends we both share. My issue is that the sexual romance side of it is fading. We both have decent paying jobs so financially we could comfortably figure it out if we did decide on splitting. I’m also not worried about the one child we have together we are both on the same page that our job is just to give him a good life experience. The main issue is we are best friends and I understand that is partly because our lives are literally interdependent. Separating may server that bond.   Follow us: YT: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use   Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast  

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld. Today's topics are about people who seek and only feel relief if they have deep understanding about certain subjects, a parent who appears worn out from an estranged adult child, and a young man unsure about a long-term relationship. Listener Questions: Throughout my life, I continue to encounter people who have a deep attachment to understanding. They seem to only feel satisfied, secure or at peace if they understand their object of attention, feel they have a concrete plan of action, or believe that they know all the details there are to know about a situation. Not having these things leaves them anxious, unsteady or even prone to despair. What personality and evolutionary factors are at play here? Most "experts" blame the parents when their adult children estrange from them. Even when there was no abuse, neglect, drugs,etc when they were growng up, and their childhood seemed pretty normal and enriched with activities, family vacations, etc. Is there something else going on? Trying to reconnect or talk may yields a peripheral relationship, meaning once or twice a year a text or phonically for the holiday, yet as older parents, we not only lose closeness with our own children, but our grandchildren grow up unaware of who their grandparents are. The question is, as a parent of two out of three adult children, am I wrong to just be worn out from hoping and trying and wanting to just wish them well now, and move on with my life? It's been so many years they seem like strangers to me anyway.  I'm curious to know more about the 'magic 10%' and how that is impacted by personality. For context, I'm a 32 year old male dating a 30 year old female. I'm high in conscientiousness, low in neuroticism, slightly more disagreeable, slightly more open and slightly more introverted. I've had many sexual partner's over the years, mostly by female's approaching me (I feel gross writing this but think it is relevant for context) but was never in the right frame of mind to settle down. Now I am in my 30s and want to start a family. I have started dating a beautiful girl who I have strong feelings for, though I'm unsure if it is love. She is high in neuroticism, and middle of the road in most other traits. She very much loves me and I really enjoy her affection and spending time with her. I'm unsure how much my personality prevents me from feeling the love that she feels as it is evident to me that she loves me more than I love her. We have started talking about the future, kids, house etc and these are things that we both truly want. My line of thinking is simliar to a 'close enough is good enough', although I know that sounds crass. I would like to know this information as I don't want to turn around one day and have ruined this beautiful girl's life/wasted her time as these are very important years for her in particular.   Follow us: YT: @beatyourgenes X: @beatyourgenes Insta: @Beatyourgenespodcast Web: www.beatyourgenes.org Doug Lisle, PhD www.esteemdynamics.com Nathan Gershfeld, DC www.fastingescape.com Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD and social scientist, Jen Howk, PhD, discuss the following listener questions with host, Nathan Gershfeld. 1. What do you make of the common description that narcissistic/highly disagreeable people “wear a mask.” Do high disagreeables go around actively and purposefully fooling people about their true feelings and intentions any more than other people do? We all try to put on a good face for the most part, but is this actually more true for certain personalities types? 2. I discovered your podcast a while ago, and I've been fascinated. However, something sat not quite well with me, and that is that I couldn't integrate my experience of trauma within your framework. I've been raised by Narcissistic people, and ever since then, I found myself regularly in Close relationships with various narcissistic people. As far as I understand you, this is purely because those can be attractive people and has nothing to do with my upbringing. And I think it does; I think that simply my cost benefit analysis has been skewed that way: that I would consider my parents being worth my while and to avoid cognitive dissonance, I would also accept bad treatment from other people. Or is Cognitive dissonance not a thing in evolutionary psychology? I'd be glad if you could comment on that. Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast Watch this episode on Youtube!   @BeatYourGenes Host: Nathan Gershfeld                               Interviewee: Doug Lisle, Ph.D. and Jen Howk, Ph.D. Podcast website:  http://www.BeatYourGenes.org True to Life seminars with Dr. Lisle and Dr. Howk : http://www.TrueToLife.us  Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones · Ferenc Hegedus - Licensed for use