Social Skills Coaching

• People-pleasing is a complex learned behavior, but it can be understood and changed. One of the most common underlying causes is the need to be liked.• We can counter this mindset by remembering we are like inkblots (i.e., what people see is about them, not about you) and understanding that your worth does not come from other people’s approval.• When you untangle yourself from other people’s opinions and judgments, you free yourself to ask what YOU want, what you care about, and what you value. The “separation of tasks” exercise helps you to tease apart your responsibilities from other peoples’—their feelings are not your business.Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#SerenityPrayer #PeoplePleaser #RogerCovin #TheNeedToBeLiked #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #StandUpForYourself

• To this end, we come to the concept of active listening. It’s a way to participate in conversations while being on the receiving end. Most might think that receiving simply means sitting quietly, but that’s a huge mistake. There are nine types of active listening responses we cover, to be used when trying to connect deeply with someone: comprehending, retaining, responding, restating, reflecting, summarizing, labeling emotions, probing with leading questions, and silence.• Oversharing may seem like something to avoid, but there is plenty of research to suggest that honestly opening up to others actually makes them like and trust us more. You’ll distinguish yourself from the automatic stereotypes by giving specific details about yourself, and make your life seem more interesting and compelling.• We can divulge both by revealing additional information or by confessing to how we feel, sharing a story or revealing something unexpected about ourselves. People bond over emotional identification, so don’t worry about appearing weak or vulnerable—divulging will actually encourage others to do the same and foster good rapport.• When we engage with others, a golden rule of engagement is to focus on finding similarity and creating a sense of a shared experience and familiarity.Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#AutomaticStereotypes #EmotionalIdentification #GoodRapport #Oversharing #NineTypesOfActiveListeningResponses #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

• One quick technique is misdirection, where a statement has two parts: the first is expected and ordinary, the second contradicts it with unexpected and comedic results. Sarcasm can be powerful but is best when directed at yourself and used with those you are more familiar with. Ironic humor is similar to sarcasm, but more focused on the observation of the contrast between the expected and the actual.• The world of improv has a lot to teach us about good conversational chemistry. One improv rule is not to hold on to any outcome too tightly, and be ready to follow the emerging flow of the conversation.• Another rule is to rely on quick connections to make sure you always have something to say. This can be practiced by free associating one, two, or five words. Good improv is about having faith in the conversation’s direction, and your ability to be okay with where it goes.• The 1:1:1 method of storytelling is a mini story technique that relies on one action, summarized in one sentence, that evokes one main emotion in the listener. This keeps your stories engaging, short, and effective. Alternatively, you can ask for other people’s stories.• Conversational diversity is about having as many different tools in your toolkit as possible. Hypothetical questions are one such tool. These kinds of “what if . . .?” questions inject some excitement, creativity, and unpredictability, while showing something interesting about the person giving the answer.• Finally, thinking out loud can be a way to turn monologues into dialogues. If we speak freely and without self-censoring, we break the ice, share ourselves honestly, and invite (rather than demand) others to join us.Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#Conversations #Ironic #Sarcasm #SubtlyCharismatic:HumorAndMisdirection #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

• Being charming is about developing social awareness and conversational intelligence. Much of this depends on empathy, and being able to step outside your own reality bubble and honestly see your own blind spots in conversations.• Try not to ever assume that other people think, feel or believe as you do, or that their conversation experience is the same as yours. “Double click” on what they share with you and be genuinely curious and open minded, rather than making assumptions and guesses.• Contrary to the conventional advice about small talk, you can build rapport with relative strangers by consciously choosing to go deep with them – and such conversations can be less awkward than you imagine. Just don’t complain or pressure people to respond in a particular way.• Show people that you’re paying attention and understand them by using the principles of cold reading. Invite their participation, use high-probability generalized statements, downplay incorrect guesses, and collect observations to show people that you really get them.• Generally, people tend to hide the fact that they want a conversation to end, and most people wish conversations ended sooner. Play it safe by quitting while you’re ahead. Gracefully disengage by waiting for a gap, starting with a positive, making an excuse, and leaving with warmth but also firmness.Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#BlindSpots #ConversationalIntelligence #SocialAwareness #BoostYourCQ(ConversationalIntelligence) #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

• In order to interact and engage more fully in conversations, we need to work against our not-so-useful habits and learn better ones.• A non-negotiable habit is becoming a master at using questions. The right questions help people feel closer to us, communicate our attention and care, share our competence, show that we’re aware and paying attention, deepen intimacy, guide the conversation, and make us more trustworthy.• All exchanges, and hence all questions, are typically on one of three possible levels: those exchanging factual information, those exchanging feelings and emotions, and those communicating deeper values. In social situations, you’ll lean more heavily on the last two, but a good conversation works when people have similar conversational goals and are matched in the level they’re interacting on.• Conversational narcissism is an impediment to curiosity, engagement, and good question asking. Whether unconscious or conscious, this usually results from us placing something other than connection with the other person as our goal for conversation, i.e. to brag, to defend, to compete.• We can reduce our own conversational narcissism by using questions. Follow-up questions are very effective, as are open-ended questions that don’t make people uncomfortable, but may gently push on the barrier or normal etiquette.• Just as a role model can be a guide and inspiration for your own behavior, a model can also help you stay curious when you talk to others. Talk show hosts are experts and placing their conversation partners front and center, so we can ask, what would they do? Usually, the answer is “treat my guest like the most interesting person in the whole universe.”• Curiosity needs to be genuine. We all have a bias against others sometimes, assuming they’re not very interesting, but unless we ask, we won’t learn about their more fascinating sides. Assume that everyone has something to teach you, and foster genuine inquisitiveness. into the details of their world. I guarantee you will not be disappointed.Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#ConversationalNarcissism #GoodConversation #Questions–AnUnderratedSuperpower #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

• Arguments are sometimes inevitable but we can argue best if we use “steel manning” rather than attacking a strawman. Create the best version of your opponent’s argument by breaking it down, then help them build that argument, actively arguing on your counterpart’s behalf. You will more quickly reach harmonious agreement, or at least disagree more civilly. • Use the fogging technique to manage people who are aggressive or unreasonable. By giving people a minimal, calm response that they cannot easily engage with, you defuse tension. Listen carefully for a kernel of truth, repeat the truth calmly and neutrally, but don’t add any new information and keep maintaining calm. • The Ransberger pivot is a way to “win an argument without arguing.” Listen carefully to start, look for points of commonality, and keep returning to any ways in which you and the other person are actually on the same page. • The “feel, felt, found” technique is another a simple way to mitigate conflict. Acknowledge how they feel, point to another person who has felt similarly in the past, then show what you have found works based on how this person managed the issue. • Finally, the agreement frame allows us to gracefully disagree with someone without destroying rapport. Use terms like I respect, I appreciate and I agree to signal an intention to cooperate. Agree, acknowledge their position, and acknowledge both your desired outcomes, using “and” rather than “but.” Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/readpeoplekingShow notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#DefuseTension #Harmonious #MitigateConflict #Ransberger #DealingWithConflictAndDisagreement #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

• What you don’t say is also important. When you speak, remember to include pauses in the right places to convey confidence or emphasis. Give your listeners time to digest what you’ve said.• Use the Pareto principle, or the 80-20 rule, and try to make 80% of the conversation about the other person and 20% about yourself. Listen, ask questions, and pay attention rather than forcing a particular topic, being fake, trying to impress or interrupting.• Be aware of microexpressions (tiny, ultra-rapid facial expressions), especially those that don’t seem to match what is being said. Microexpressions tell the “truth” about someone’s feelings, so observing them can give you empathy and insight into how they really feel.• People feel like they “click” more often when responses are swift, so pay attention and keep things flowing and responsive. That said, it’s better to end a flagging conversation than panic too much when it goes quiet.• If you find yourself inching towards conflict, pause and ask whether the other person is speaking from a position of cognitive dissonance and, if they are, back away and try to re-establish rapport, since pushing will only invite more resistance. And, of course, be on guard against the tendency to hold incompatible or irrational views yourself!Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#CognitiveDissonance #Microexpressions #Pareto #ThePowerOfShuttingUp #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

• Part 1 of this book is all about the charismatic presence. How might you wish for someone to describe you, and how much does that differ from reality? And then, how do you bridge the gap between these two versions of yourself? Part 1 is more theoretical and introspective, while Part 2 is all about action. How do you actually create the type of interactions that will draw people to you, regardless of your current personality?• Unsurprisingly, it all starts with empathy. When you have empathy, you know what other people are thinking and feeling, or at least you can make a pretty darned good guess about it. And if we know what people are thinking and feeling, we can also make a darned good guess as to what they want. And that’s what will allow us to create charismatic interactions.• The first is to simply read more. This is probably the best practice you can do without having someone in front of you, because it forces you to inhabit someone else’s perspective and inner dialogue. You can see in the story that because X happened, Y and Z might happen. This seems simple, but it is not easy to practice in daily life. Having an experience filter is very similar, in that it forces you to step out of your perspective (which is necessarily limited) and really try to see someone else’s. It might sound like we are only talking about empathy here, but the truth is that empathy and charisma are extremely, extremely related. Yes, deliberately practicing theory of mind is also more in the same direction of understanding another person’s thoughts and emotions.• Finally, understanding the difference between facts and interpretation will help you know what you should respond to. Almost always, you should be trying to respond to people’s interpretation because their emotions are buried within, and that’s what will draw people to you.Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#CharismaticInteractions #CharismaticPresence #Empathy #TheBedrockOfGoodCommunication #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

• There are many ways to assert your own boundaries and limits without encroaching on others’. Try the stuck record technique (calmly repeating your limit without budging), the “positive no” (reiterate what you are saying yes to) negative assertion or negative enquiry (accepting and enquiring about criticism). • The DESC model can help you stand up for yourself. Describe the facts of the situation, Express how you are being affected, suggest a specific Solution, then finish with a Conclusion/consequences, i.e. what will happen if the behavior is changed and what will happen if it isn’t. • Humor is useful, but it needs to be the right kind. Positive humor styles (especially affiliative humor) are better for relationships. Avoid self-enhancing, aggressive or self-defeating humor styles. • Use the platinum rule: Do unto others as they would want done to them. Listen, be empathetic and stay curious about other people’s perspectives, even and especially if they differ from yours. Ask what they want and need, and how they conceptualize of you, themselves, and the situation. • A good apology needs a few necessary elements: expression of regret, explanation of what went wrong, taking responsibility, repentance, offer for reparations, and a request for forgiveness. Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/readpeoplekingShow notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#AssertiveCommunication #AssertivenessSkill #ConorFriedershof #Communication #DaveKerpen #DESCModel #EverydayConversations #FoggingTechnique #GordonBower #JenniferAaker #Kerpen #Lewicki #ManuelJSmith #NaomiBagdonas #NonverbalCommunication #PersonalRelationships #PlatinumRule #StuckRecordTechnique #UnderstandingBasicAssertivenessTechniques #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

• Your voice is a powerful nonverbal communicator. Be aware of your pitch, volume, articulation and pace, and practice to ensure you’re having the effect you want.• Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio found that people make decisions not from logic but from emotion – which is what you should speak to when trying to connect meaningfully with others.• You can use open loops to create conversations that feel rich, full, and “complete.” Simply start a story and don’t finish it, so you can return later if the conversation stalls.• When speaking, you will be more engaging and captivating if your language is fresh, novel and vivid. Use metaphors to explain complex topics in simple, relatable ways. To connect to people emotionally, use compelling language and colorful imagery, and allow your enthusiasm to shine through.• Change the focus of the conversation from yourself to the other person. The goal is to connect and flow, not to compete or perform. Using the words “yes, and” borrowed from improv comedy, you keep things open-ended and dynamic. Be ready to abandon any fixed ideas of the conversation’s goal and follow what is emerging in the moment – your conversation will feel more natural, more joyful, and more connected.Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#Conversation #AntonioDamasio #SocialInteractions #SuccessfulConversations #WatchWhatYouSay… #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills