Ask the Pastor with J.D. Greear

The presents may all be unwrapped, but how much is too much? It may be too late for this Christmas, but perhaps in the new year this is a question you’d like to wrestle with in your family. Show Notes: Christmas is about gifts, mostly the extravagant gift of Jesus.  Jesus calls us to follow him–how did he leverage his resources. Certainly, it’s wise to understand the times we are in, that we are in the richest country in the world, and that comes with responsibility. 1 Corinthians 10:31, “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (ESV).  Our gift giving should glorify the gospel It’s lavish generosity: your gift ought to make me thank God for his generosity. When I see it cost you and you care about me. How we do it in our house:  Something you want, need, wear, read Biggest gift at Christmas goes to Jesus!  John Piper: Why do we give Christmas gifts? Gift giving is biblical God’s gifts to us: God gives us His Son (John 3:16) 2 Corinthians 9:15, “Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!” The very essence of Christmas includes a divine overflow of generosity, kindness, grace, giving–doing for us, giving to us, what we could never do for ourselves or get on our own. Our gifts to God: We have a responsibility to give to Christ.  It’s dangerous in one sense to speak of giving to Christ because our giving to Christ dare not be seen as a paying him back, as if the transaction were done because he needs to get our services.  Our giving to Christ is an overflow of affection and thankfulness for our forgiveness. Part of worship is finding ways to show how much we admire and reverence and trust and value Jesus. Our gifts to others: The giving of God to us and our joyful readiness to show affection in giving to him overflow in our giving to others.  Hebrews 13:16, “Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.” 2 Corinthians 8:2, “In a severe test of affliction, their abundance of joy and their extreme poverty have overflowed.” The giving of God to us and our joyful readiness to show affection in giving to him overflow in our giving to others.  Hebrews 13:16, “Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.” 2 Corinthians 8:2, “In a severe test of affliction, their abundance of joy and their extreme poverty have overflowed.” Our gift giving should lead others to: Rejoice in God as the great and first giver of the greatest gift. Seek the mindset that offers back to Christ the gift of trust, hope, admiration, joy, and affection. Seek the mindset that overflows with joy in giving to others. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, as we continue our marriage and family series, Pastor J.D. discusses how many kids Christians should consider having. Show Notes: Proverbs 24:27: Establish your work in the field, afterward build your house. Doesn’t mean you have to wait a long time or that you need to be rich. But you probably don’t want to be on the rocks.  In general, we are waiting too long to have kids and not having enough. Not high enough value on childbearing.  Genesis 1: Be fruitful and multiply. Many would-be-prophets are currently telling us: too many kids causes poverty, global warming. We are headed for an apocalypse because of too many people. Countries that have low birth rates are the one economically struggling so that argument doesn’t hold up. Psalm 127: no magic number. But what about taking time to get to know each other? I get it, honeymoon phase. But I got to know my wife so much better after we had kids; I didn’t get less of her when we had kids, I got more.  Have a parenting strategy:  Contrary to Beatles, love is not ALL you need.  Parenting catches you so off guard. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, as we continue our marriage and family series, Pastor J.D. gives us the second half of his 10 stages of grace-saturated, gospel-centered fighting. He’s joined by his wife, Veronica, for another episode. Show Notes: If you missed the first half of this episode, take a look now. 10 Stages in Grace-Saturated, Gospel-Centered Fighting: 6. Believe in God’s purpose for your marriage We knew that God had obviously appointed us to be together even though we felt like we married the wrong person sometimes, and that God had a plan for our difficulties and was making something beautiful out of them!  There is one factor that, if we could introduce it into your marriage, would do more to strengthen it than anything else, and that is hope.  And that hope comes from knowing that God has a plan for your marriage, even the difficult parts of it. He knew whom you were marrying, he knew the consternation they would cause you, and he’s got a plan to make something beautiful out of you and maybe your marriage in it.  Same thing is true for single people. God has a purpose for all things, even the difficult relationship.   7. Speak grace-saturated words If you are speaking words that build up, not tear down: For every one statement about what is wrong, there will be five describing what is right and that paint a vision of the beautiful person God is making them.  You’ll never demean with “you” statements. Calling names: Names make you feel good, quickest way to alienate an enemy… Say, “You did this,” not “You are this” You’ll avoid saying ‘never’ and ‘always.’ You’re always this way or that way. Don’t escalate it beyond the problem. “Never” and “always” basically tell the person that “you are this” and “you stink” rather than “you have done this” and “I expect more from you.”  You’ll avoid being sarcastic (Sarcasm usually functions like a knife. And it’s the quickest way to turn somebody off: Remember: smarty had a party and no one came). Avoid being condescending (to condescend means to talk down to). And women, avoid confronting your husband publicly:  There’s nothing that shuts a man down like having his wife tear him down to someone else.   8. Don’t give up until there is no longer a chance of reconciliation We know divorce is a larger topic, but to just touch on it quickly: we know that God hates it. So do some of you. In most cases, he sees it as adultery. There are exceptions:  Adultery; 1 Corinthians 7 Paul says if you have an unbelieving spouse who leaves you, if you wonder if you fit into that category, see us.  Abuse: We’ve covered this more at-length on Ask Me Anything, but of course you should never stay in an abusive situation and you should reach out and get some help immediately. But the point is that you should give grace a chance.  Before you give up on your marriage, give the power of grace a chance.    9. Truly forgive Remember: Forgiveness is a choice not to remember or bring up the offense any longer! Ken Sande: True forgiveness says:   I will not think about this incident. I will not bring it up again or use it against you. I will not talk to others about it. I will not allow it to stand between us or hinder our relationship You have to think of past flaws like they are ammunition already spent. Never get “historical” in an argument. “My wife gets mad and goes historical.” Forgiveness should never be conditional upon their repentance. “Well, I’d forgive them if they’d ask for it.” Don’t confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Reconciliation takes two people: the person who sinned has to repent and you have to forgive.  But forgiveness only takes one person. You can forgive without reconciling. Don’t wait on the person to repent before you forgive.  The only alternative to forgiveness is bitterness, which is like trying to punish the other person by drinking poison yourself.   10. Remember what Jesus did for you The only way to do all of this is for the cross to grow LARGE in your life. That’s why some people lack the ability to do this – the cross is so small. If you do things as an act of service for your spouse, you will lose motivation. You have to do it for Jesus. Your spouse may not be worth it. Jesus always is.  Maybe you say, “Oh, Pastor J.D., I really wish my spouse were here to hear this but it’s just me…” What can I do? They won’t respond to any of this! Do it for Jesus. Maybe this is how you will demonstrate the glory of Christ to your neighbors: by serving Christ even when there is no pay-off in your marriage, simply because he’s worthy of it!   Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, as we continue our marriage and family series, Pastor J.D. answers a question about marital conflict. He’s joined by his wife, Veronica, for another episode. Show Notes: Let me dispel a myth right from the beginning: good couples are not couples who never fight; good couples are couples who have learned to fight fairly; to fight Christianly. If you’re one of those starry-eyed engaged couples who feel like, “We never fight…” Veronica and I were like that, too. How blissful it is to be young! You just can’t get close to another sinner without there being conflict. 10 Stages in Grace-Saturated, Gospel-Centered Fighting: 1. Examine YOUR heart. Even if you’ve been wronged, what does your anger say about your heart?  Has malice, wrath, anger, and bitterness snuck in?  Mind the smoke detectors! Rage, malice, wrath, and bitterness always indicate idolatry, which is a bigger problem in your heart than whatever your spouse is doing to you. And this is why you need outside counsel in your life.  2. Overlook whatever you can.  You don’t have to comment on every little infraction. Choose your battles. Proverbs 19:11 It is to a man’s glory to overlook an offense.  Proverbs 12:16 The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult. This would not apply to things that do lasting damage to your relationship with each other or them. Or any kind of abuse.  Sometimes, we don’t want to bring up their sin against us because we don’t want to disturb the peace.  Guys are especially bad at this. You just want to maintain the peace. A few times in our relationship (I’m being really transparent…) I’ve had to speak up. There are times you need to speak up and confront; and there are times just to let it go, and there’s a real art to knowing the difference.  3. Be practical in how you fight. Proverbs 12:18: “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” “Rash words.” Words not thought out, spoken in anger, or not given at a good time. Veronica and I have found it helpful to boundarize conflict within times, zones, and moods: For example, allowing an argument to begin if we are both physically tired. We have set certain rooms, certain times, off limits. We will invoke what I call the “24 hour rule.” “I promise to come back to this.”  Now, men, you have to keep your word, otherwise you lose credibility.  You say, “What about, ‘Don’t let sun go down on your wrath?’ Doesn’t that mean we have to deal with our anger before we go to bed?  It can’t mean literally before the sun goes down because that would mean some people in Sweden could nurse their grievances for three months in the summer but in the winter they’d only have about two hours…  The main point of that verse is that we need to deal with our wrath and vengeance and get it out of our hearts. Sometimes 24 hrs helps us to separate unrighteous, selfish irritation from righteous, loving, others-centered anger. 4. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Proverbs 18:13: “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is a folly and a shame.” This is exactly what some of you do, especially you men.  Brad Hambrick, our pastoral counselor: “The vast majority of communication problems are not expression problems, but listening problems.” Let me offer you some remedial help on listening (and I need these two, because I am so bad at these things): First of all, be a servant listener: Seek first to understand, and only secondly to be understood! Think of their thoughts through the lens of Philippians 2: Consider their thoughts and needs “more important” than your own. Isn’t that the opposite of the way we come into most discussions? OK, next, if you believe that…  Don’t interrupt. Interrupting says ‘my thoughts are more important than your thoughts.’  If you don’t know what to say, ask questions. If you still don’t know what to say, ask more questions. If you still don’t know what to say after that, just repeat what the other person said back to them. Because that at least lets them know you’ve heard them! Sometimes that is just what they want, and a lot of time, it takes care of 90% of the issue!  Part of this: Don’t give premature advice. Because, one, you will probably misread the situation.  Secondly (men especially): she is not a problem to be solved; she’s a person to be heard. A lot of times she’s looking for a companion in her pain, not a solution to her problem. So don’t interrupt her and explain away her pain with Aristotilean logic: A=b, b=c, ergo a=c… ergo it’s really illogical that you feel hurt.  When you do that, I can promise you she won’t go, “Huh. Thank you. I’m so stupid sometimes. I could have sworn I was offended, but now I see, by clear force of your logic, that I am not really hurt after all! I’m so glad you’re my husband.”  The majority of communication problems are not expression problems, but listening problems.  “Listening is a skill that is most necessary when it is most difficult.” Much more to say on that, but if you want more, attend one of Brad Hambrick’s marriage seminars or access a lot of his stuff on his website.  5. Seek their sanctification, not your vindication. Sometimes you are going to have to say, “I’m right in this and I could win it, but that doesn’t progress us toward the goal. I’m going to keep my eyes on the bigger prize and just lose this one. My goal is their sanctification, not my vindication. Once you let go the idea that you have to win and be vindicated, you can focus on what helps them and the relationship.  That’s how Jesus was.  More to come on the next episode! Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, as we continue our marriage and family series, Pastor J.D. answers another question about how to parent teenagers. This time he’s joined by his wife, Veronica. Show Notes: A wandering child does not mean failure: God played the parent role for two humans and they both rebelled. Cain and Abel were parented exactly the same. One became a man of God, the other a murderer. Key resource: Feeding the Mouth that Bites You, by Ken Wilgus, Ph.D. and the Feeding the Mouth that Bites You podcast. When a kid is in rebellion, you can’t be prophet and dad at the same time. Think more like a farmer than a mechanic. Worst thing to do is dig up seed! You give rain and sun. In the analogy, rain and sun are the quality of the relationship not quantity of devotion. Wait on God: All the defining moments in my life came from somewhere else. Psalm 136: Israel’s history with “steadfast love of Lord endures forever.” I did this an exercise with our staff team. We wrote out key moments where the Lord worked in our lives, and I had this realization: my mom and dad wrote none of the key moments in my life. Psalm 127 Psalm 37:39-40 The role of prayer: Abraham prays for Lot and angels grab his hand. Man lowered through roof: their faith. your faith subs for the man in the stretcher. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, as we continue our marriage and family series, Pastor J.D. answers a question about how to parent teenagers. Show Notes: First, let me say how underprepared and unqualified I am for this one. I’m certainly not the expert! One of my mentors said the teenage years are like the scene in Apollo 13 where they’re coming back into the earth’s atmosphere, and they’re going to lose radio contact for a while. It’s the climax of the movie, and everybody’s watching on the other end to see how they’ll end up—but it’s not clear if they’ll be burned up or if they’ll be fine. They just have to kind of wait and see! That’s how parenting a teenager can feel sometimes. Every kid is different.  I heard a Christian counselor say that kids are often either compliant or defiant. The strategies for working with each child and their differences could not be more different. Scripture even seems to allude to that. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child according to his way.” In Hebrew, that literally means “according to his bent.” A good archer adjusts his aim based on the shape of the arrow. Understand the shift from disciplining for control to empowering for responsibility. In his book Biting the Hand That Feeds You, Dr. Kenneth Wilgus talks about a “planned emancipation.” You’re gradually shifting your control over your child (which is in full swing through the elementary years) to your child. It doesn’t happen all at once; it’s a gradual emancipation. If you don’t grant them that independence, they may eventually rip it away from you in rebellion. John Ortberg, the Christian author and pastor, says you go from being responsible for your kids to being responsible to them. Andy Stanley said you have to stop thinking of yourself as a mechanic and instead think of yourself as a farmer. A mechanic wants to diagnose and fix everything, whereas a farmer puts down the seed, takes care of it, and leaves the results to the Lord. But the worst thing to do is dig up the seed and interfere with this process! You can’t play the role of the Holy Spirit, as much you want to.  The control you think you have is an illusion, meaning that you can’t control every aspect of your child’s life forever. Jesus talked about this in his parable of the soils. Only God can truly cultivate soil. For the non-producing soil, the farmer doesn’t just go out and throw the seed down harder! Instead, he recognizes that not all soil is prepared, and that our job is to put down good soil and let the Holy Spirit prepare their hearts. Veronica and I identified four guiding principles we wanted to follow if our kids ever decided to do things differently than we’d like them to: Tell them the truth Keep our kids from detonating “nuclear bombs” (actions with life-altering consequences) Protect other kids Keep the relationship open One of my mentors said: I won’t play detective in my child’s life; I’ll trust God to reveal and to guide. Don’t trade control for influence. In one sense, the quality of my relationship with my kids is more important than the content of my teaching. In the seed analogy I mentioned earlier, “rain and sun” that helps the seed to grow is the quality of the relationship not quantity of instruction that you give. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, as we continue our marriage and family series, Pastor J.D. shares the second half of his answer to the question: “What counsel would you give young Christians about dating?” Show Notes: 4. Resolve to seek God first and your significant other second. When you reject the “marriage completes me” myth, you can put your eyes on Jesus and let him supply your needs. The best marriages are like two people running down the road as hard as they can after God, where you look over to see someone running about the same speed and direction that you are, and you say, “Hey, where you going? Wanna go together?” Andy Stanley said it this way: “Become the person that the person you are looking for … is looking for.” That way, if God has marriage in your future, great—you’ll be better prepared. And if not, you still haven’t wasted a decade of your life. 5. Resolve to date “only in the Lord.” If marriage is about having a lifelong companion, then why unite yourself to someone who doesn’t share the most important part of you? Scripture is very clear on this: Talking about a single woman in the church, 1 Corinthians 7:39 says, “… she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord,” (NASB). And, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? …” (2 Corinthians 6:14 ESV). A yoke was a harness put on two animals to keep them pulling in the same direction. If your partner doesn’t share your faith in Christ, you will be pulling different directions when it comes to just about everything—your time, your money, raising your future kids. We need to see that what Scripture says here is less of a restrictive rule and more of a loving guideline because to be unequally yoked to an unbeliever means you will never be able to share the deepest parts of yourself with them. 6. Resolve to date only in the context of community. You need godly and wise counsel more in the dating stage of life than perhaps any other. If there were no other practical reason to be involved in the church, this would be it. Sometimes it’s obvious to people you trust that there are problems with the person you’re dating or your relationship that you can’t see. This could include lust or flirtation problems, a failure to keep their word (which shows they are not trustworthy), or manipulative and controlling behavior. You won’t have those godly people in your life if you are not connected to the church. God has already given you all the counsel you need. You just need to ask older, wise believers to speak truth into your relationships. Again, these resolutions are countercultural, but they are not impossible. Dating is a time of testing. Are you going to be faithful in this? If you use this time to show that you can wait on God’s good plan, you won’t believe the ways he’ll bless you in your marriage and—most importantly—as a disciple. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, as we continue our marriage & family series, Pastor J.D. shares the first half of his answer to the question: “What Counsel Would You Give Young Christians About Dating?” Show Notes: You’ve probably noticed this by now, but our culture isn’t doing awesome with the whole dating and marriage thing. Our culture yearns for good, fulfilling, lifelong marriages but obviously doesn’t know how to get there. I want to give you six biblical resolutions for dating. These are uncommon, and certainly counter-cultural, but if you want something nobody else has, you have to be willing to do what nobody else does. And the goal is that these will lead to the kind of marriage you long for, the kind of marriage Jesus wants for you. 1. Resolve to prioritize character over chemistry. The truth is there are different kinds of beauty and they carry different weight. The Apostle Peter says there are two kinds of beauty that can be applied to both men and women: “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:3–4 NIV). Let me tell you: When your kid gets sick and you are on the way to the emergency room at 3 a.m., it doesn’t matter what kind of six-pack he has. All that is going to matter to you is if he’s the kind of guy you know will petition God in prayer, if he’s a spiritual rock that you can lean on. When you lose your job, it’s not going to matter how white her teeth are. What’s going to matter is if she’s the kind of partner you know will stand by you and not go anywhere. You are preparing to tie yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to someone else for life. Because marriage is companionship and because it is permanent, character matters most of all. 2. Resolve to date for clarity, not intimacy. If the purpose of dating is to choose someone to marry (and it is), and that means character matters most of all, then physical intimacy is something that, for the most part, you should keep to a minimum in dating. Physical intimacy works like a drug; it intoxicates you. That’s not always bad: When you are in pain and you pop a codeine pill, the drug deceives you into feeling awesome. At times, you need that. But if you took codeine and then decided to go for a 10-mile run, you’re setting yourself up for trouble. The same is true for relationships: When the drug of physical intimacy keeps you from seeing who the other person really is, you’re creating problems for yourself. When the physical excitement of sex fades—which it will—all you are left with is a sick relationship. 3. Resolve to reject the “marriage completes me” myth. In a sense, you always marry the wrong person. Why? Because your spouse is a sinner—and so are you. They will inevitably let you down. They will disappoint you. That’s not to say the choice doesn’t matter. But if we think the “perfect person” is going to make marriage a breeze, we are sorely mistaken. What if you gave up the myth that there is a “perfect person” out there for you and instead understood that’s not what marriage is about anyway? What if you saw that God’s main purpose in life is preparing you for himself, and that marriage is one way (though certainly not the only way) he can do that? If we approached singleness this way, rather than being on a rabid, obsessive search for the right person who was the key to a happy life, we could put our eyes on Jesus and focus on following out him, letting him supply our needs. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, we continue our marriage & family series with part two of last week’s episode: “What Are the Biggest Obstacles Christians Face in Marriage?” Show Notes: Myth 3: Everyone else is doing better than we are. Everyone thinks they are unique in their struggle. Truth: 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has overtaken you…”  Social Media has turned this common lie of Satan’s into a forest fire of destruction today. It always amazes me how people seem to be sure from the curated feeds they follow that they stink at marriage (or parenting or whatever else) and everyone else is a superstar. Satan can use social media to cherry-pick what you see, and lie to you about your marriage. He is a liar. God has not forgotten you. He has a purpose for your marriage. He’ll give grace for you to glorify him.  I’ve thought often of the story of manna in the Bible. As much as they wanted it, manna was not given all at once… we want it all up front in the marriage in pre-marital counseling. There are needs in the marriage God won’t reveal until year 5. And he’ll be ready with manna. Myth 4: I’m primarily “sinned against,” only secondarily “sinner.” Early on in our marriage we were both mad at each other. Disappointed. “You didn’t keep up your end of the bargain,” we both thought.  Truth: With Jesus, I’m always first sinner, and only secondly “sinned against.” That came from a counselor, and it changed my life.  I think about how much I’ve sinned against God…nothing she ever does to me compares to what I’ve done to him.  Submersing myself in grace is what gives me the ability to forgive her. 1 John 4:19 First, I want to caveat this by saying that I am not talking about abusive situations, just average joe-selfish sinners. If you are in an abusive relationship, Christ is not telling you to stay in it. You should get to safety immediately and reach out for help. So we’re not talking about abusive relationships, just normal selfish ones. With that said, the question is: What is the “ticker tape” in your head playing? It should be regularly playing your sins, not their’s. Or playing their best moments. Can you remember the last time you repented of something with your spouse? Jesus told a story that I think might be the most important one for marriage, at least mine: 10,000 talents. So if you don’t naturally forgive your spouse, you must have forgotten how much Jesus has forgiven you. What you need is not “10 steps to a better marriage,” but to embrace the 10,000 steps. What you need is Christ as the foundation and center. In no marriage is it always one person’s fault… but with the church and Jesus, it’s always the church’s fault. Yet Jesus never stops forgiving.  Conclusion:  Keep your eyes on Jesus. His grace gives you the ability to forgive. He has a purpose for your marriage, and he will give you abundant grace in it. Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

This week, we kick off a brand new series on marriage, family, and relationships. First up, we’ll look at the first part of Pastor J.D.’s answer to the question: “What Are the Biggest Obstacles Christians Face in Marriage?” Show Notes: When I got married, our mentor looked at us and said: To be happy in marriage, J.D., you guys need to remember one thing: Women are a lot like cats; and men are a lot like dogs…Surely there’s more to it than that. And there was.  Now, as we launch into a series on marriage and family, I want to make clear that I’m not a marriage expert or a parenting expert.  But, I do want to cover 4  big “myths” of marriage that Veronica and I have encountered, and that I see all the time as a pastor. We’ll cover two this week and two on next week’s podcast. Myth 1: I married the wrong person  Our dating was fantastic. We thought we’d found the perfect person. We were like, “We have the same perspective on everything. We never fight, we never argue!” We more than made up for that the first three years of our marriage. The truth, of course: is that you always marry the wrong person.  First of all, you always marry a sinner, and sinners always disappoint.  One of God’s other purposes in marriage is to teach you to love like he loves—and your love is most Christlike when the person you love is the least worthy. One other truth, which Tim Keller has pointed out, is that we are actually married to several different people in our lives! So, even if you did marry the perfect person, they change, and so do you!  The root of this lie comes from the weight on marriage in this culture.  Maybe you went into marriage thinking that this person would make you happy and complete—to feel important and loved and worthwhile—the one person you could always depend on, who would always understand you, who would always affirm you, and the truth is you’ve been looking for something in somebody that can only be found in God. The truth is that if you are looking to your spouse to fulfill the role that only God can fill, they will always be the wrong person. Now, I think we should give a few caveats: Do Veronica make each other happy? Yes, of course, but only when we don’t depend on each other for happiness.  Good selection is important. Myth 2: It’s never going to get better. The truth is God is doing something in your marriage. You and your spouse are both being sanctified. Looking back, I realize that even though I wouldn’t have said it, I didn’t actually think I needed to be sanctified, nor did I want it. This is why 1 Corinthians says that love always hopes. You have a reason to! The Holy Spirit is leading, guiding and working in believers. You can hope even when the devil whispers lies. In the meantime, marriage is a kind of crucible where you learn to wait on God — where you obey God because that’s all you can do and trust him with the results.  I want you to know, for those of you frustrated in marriage, God is doing something good in you.  Gen 50:20 Ps 84:11 If it’s any encouragement, the Psalms are written by people disappointed in relationships, waiting—but they were confident that if they remained in a posture of obedience, waiting on God, they would eventually see God’s goodness in the land of the living (Ps. 27:13). Want to ask J.D. a question? Head to our Ask Me Anything hub to submit your question. As always, don’t forget to rate and review this podcast! Find Pastor J.D. on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.