Foreplay Radio – Couples and Sex Therapy

Let's talk about “killjoy” – the negative cycle that squashes the love life is so many millions of couples out there and how we can name it, notice it and do it differently. Sexual discrepancies are the most common thing we're going to see over 80% of couples are going to find themselves in a dynamic where one wants more than one wants less. In his marriage, George calls the negative cycle “California" and Laurie calls it “Drowning” with her swimmer husband. But there's something really fun about naming the negative cycle, the merry-go-round Groundhog Day, whatever word you want to come up with. The beautiful thing about doing this is it starts to externalize the problem. The problem isn't Joe. The problem isn't Mary. The problem is the dynamics that they've unconsciously created in this attempt to be with each other. George and Laurie role play a new way of communicating in “killjoy”! Please support us by ordering Uberlube at Uberlube.com with the coupon "foreplay".   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Is the orgasm gap fair? Laurie and George don't think so. But it's so natural to feel criticized when your partner tries to tell you what they need; how can we get excited about feedback to change this problem? How often do normal couples have bad sex? George suggests often enough that it's coming for you! (you gotta expect it!) But if you strike out... get back in the game. Do men who worry about their penis size even know what's normal? How big is big enough? What's so special about sex in Finland - what are they getting right for women? We got the stats! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Why do YOU want to have sex? George and I talk about the 5 most frequent motives to get it on! Pleasure, Intimacy, Approval, Coping and Procreation. Each motive can be used in sexually healthy relationship as sex serves many purposes for a couple. Sometimes though some motives fail, like when pleasure is never accompanied by intimacy or when the anxious need from approval doesn't develop into pleasure. Please support us on Uberlube.com/FOREPLAY   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome Dr. Emily Nagoski, PhD, fellow podcaster and award-winning author of the New York Times bestseller, Come As You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life.    Dr.Nagoski's mission is to help us live with confidence and joy in our bodies! Together, Emily, George and Laurie want to help people have a healthy view of sex and challenge people's assumptions about what they believe and where they get stuck. We all see EFT as a way to help couples deal with the difficult feelings around sex where we often are anxious about hurting our partner's feelings or fearful of being found sexually inadequate.   To help us understand desire, Emily tells us about where to find our brakes (all the good reasons not to be turned on... potential threats) and accelerators (everything we think, believe, imagine & touch, taste, smell, hear that has sexual connotations.)  Fun topics in this podcast: look at your genitals! (if you want to make friends.) She and George talk about the complicated relationship men have with their penises. Nagoski uses a hedgehog visualization to gracefully accept our feelings around sex. Ever wonder why your body may be turned on but you really don’t want sex? Emily shares the concept of non-concordant sex – when our body’s arousal and subjective sexual feelings don’t align. Please help support our podcast and get a 10% discount on Uberlube's fabulous lubrication - Uberlube.com/Foreplay Find Emily!!!: book - Come As You Are workbook -The Come as You Are Workbook new book!! - Burnout: the secret to unlocking the stress cycle podcast - the feminist survival podcast 2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Knowing that their withdrawal triggers their partner, what can someone who feels attacked or criticized do - other than walking away? Wrestling with themselves and naming their feelings, gives them a moment to feel instead of shutting it down. Recognizing what happens in their body makes some room and space for the withdrawer distress. And becoming curious about their pursuing partners criticism and anger helps them reconnect emotionally. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Men want an engaged partner and frequently ask for communication in bed.  Yet, how can a women ask for what she wants without sending the message that she is critical and unhappy? Laurie and George discuss how a woman can offer sex tips so her guy can really be the best in bed for her especially if he is a sexual withdrawer.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Pursuers have beautiful motives to push toward their partners - wanting more connection, more intimacy and more sex. But they often feel rejected and are told they are too much which escalates the cycle. Learn two things that help the pursuer calm down. 1) Remind yourself that you have good intentions to create change. 2) Use an image of someone who made you feel safe - a therapist, parent, grandparent or even of yourself comforting a younger version of yourself. See how taking a wider lens including both peoples vulnerabilities can stop the pursuer-distance cycle. Subscribe to get all the latest episodes! Dedicated to Dr. Jeanne Yorke. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's so hard to ask for what I want in bed or how to answer what do you want me to do to you sexually. Why? George says we either want to protect our partner from something hurtful and we're avoiding what we feel. But without talking about it, we shortcut that delicious exploration, even the missing spots and getting redirected - that is part of the magic of excitement. Our 4 questions are open-ended and hopefully spark real conversation between you and your lover - even if you've been doin' it forever.   Check our our great sponsor Uberlube! Use the coupon code "Foreplay" so that they know we sent you! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Mailbag! - A 49 year-old virgin wonders if it too late for love or if she has lost her mojo. George and Laurie discuss having hard conversations about racism and sex including a listener's feedback. A woman having trouble with physical intimacy after her husband's emotional infidelity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When we are falling in love, we notice all the positive attractors in our partner. Over time, the inevitable negatives which were there all along become more noticeable. The key to long-term relational connection is to intentionally replicate that focus on the positive attractors over the negative. Check out our great sponsor, Uberlube! Use the coupon code Foreplay to let them know you are a listener! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices