Wizard of Ads Monday Morning Memo

“The best radio ads entertain the public and generate favorable comments.”That kind of thinking is why most radio ads don’t work as well as they should.I know it’s counterintuitive and disconcerting but the ads we hate often work better than the ads we love.What are you trying to make happen with your radio ads? Have you been confusing compliments with results?You’re probably dismayed by what I’m saying right now. Bear with me. I’m betting you’ll find a nugget you can use.Here are some concepts to ponder:(1.) Strange voices: Voices that belong on the radio are easy to ignore. Voices that don’t belong on the radio usually sell more product. Unpolished, amateur voices are hard to ignore. This is why they generate such hot complaints.(2.) Awkward phrasing: “Smooth ads” are built from worn-out phrases that are likewise easy to ignore. Effective ads often feature broken sentences. Half sentences. Non-sequiturs. This is how we speak, but it’s rarely how we write. Our brains know how to assemble bits and pieces of verbalized thoughts so that they make sense in our minds. Awkward wording and weird phrases capture attention. But we rarely use these when we write radio ads.(3.) No music: Music beds “sound good” because they help blur the ads into the format.  This makes the ads – you guessed it – easier to ignore.(4.) No humor: Humor is like nitroglycerine. Handle it carefully and you can move mountains with it. Handle it carelessly and you’ll blow your listener’s attention completely away from your message; they’ll remember your humor but not your advertiser.  Here’s the rule: When the humor is directly linked to the product and its purpose, you’re in the mountain moving business. But when your humor is only tangentially connected to the product, resist the temptation to include it in the ad. Tangential humor will get you lots of compliments but limited results.Please understand I’m NOT saying irritating ads always work. Sometimes a radio ad is irritating because it’s badly written, poorly produced and pointless. But these are rare. Far more common are ads that are badly written, extremely well produced and pointless. But occasionally you’ll hear an ad that doesn’t sound like an ad at all. The person on the radio sounds real, says real things and is believable.Jim Dunn’s accent is difficult to penetrate because he spent his formative years in Boston. Remember Cliff Clavin on Cheers? Jim the construction worker has a much thicker Boston accent than Cliffie the postman and Jim’s jewelry store is in sunny Florida. Earlier this year, Jim bought some radio time and simply told the truth:JIM: What was I thinking? Opening a second location made sense at the time, I just can’t remember why. Originally, I opened J.R. Dunn Jewelers in Lighthouse Point so that Ann Marie, Sean and I could work together as a family. Opening that second location on Las Olas meant us working apart.  The store was a success but it was also a huge burden.  There are things in life worth more than money.  Togetherness is one of them. In late 2009, I asked Ann Marie what she wanted for Christmas.  She said,ANN MARIE: “All I want is to spend more time with our family and for you, me and Sean to work together again.  So if that means closing Las Olas…so be it.”JIM: When I asked Sean what he wanted, he gave me the same answer. Funny, it’s what I wanted deep down inside, too. It’s done.ANNOUNCER: Announcing the first, last and only Happy Together Sale. The entire inventory of the Las Olas store has been moved to the original store location in Lighthouse Point.  The Dunns are back together again.JIM:  Join us in our family celebration.  We’ve got fine jewelry hanging from the rafters.  Two stores full of diamonds, watches and jewelry jammed into one big happy location.  Let us send some home with you.Jim and Ann Marie Dunn allowed their Florida customers to see them real. Jim spoke of relationships more important than money and publicly admitted an embarrassing mistake.Real people with real voices telling real stories.The Dunn’s event was a gigantic success.Real results.Go figure.Roy H. Williams

I tried to write some tips about business growth for you this week. I really did. But I found myself drawn to this, instead. – RHW “Most of one’s life… is one prolonged effort to prevent oneself thinking.”– Aldous Huxley, 1894-1963“Our minds are lazier than our bodies.”– Francois, Duc de La Rochefouchauld, 1613-1680You probably have a limiting factor in your life that’s holding you back.A limiting factor may be a habit, a preferred chemical or an attitude that hinders your advancement, your happiness, your future.Can you think of a creative way to remove the limiting factor from your life?“Creative thinking may mean simply the realization that there’s no particular virtue in doing things the way they always have been done.” – Dr. Rudolph Flesch, writing consultant and author of Why Johnny Can’t ReadYou are your own best teacher. You know where you’re coming from and what you’re all about. You know where the bodies are buried and the names of the skeletons in your closet.You also know the answer to your problem. But you don’t yet know what you know.How can we get you to realize what you already know? How can we brighten your future?ANSWER: Interactive journaling.“I never know what I think about something until I read what I’ve written on it.” – William Faulkner, winner of the Nobel PrizeFaulkner was like you and me. We learn our minds when we write our thoughts.The problem with our century is that we are constantly distracted; “Too much to do, too little time.” Writing dictates a frame of mind we rarely experience today.Writing moves us from the emotional confusion of right brain, abstract thought*, to the logic and clarity of left brain, analytical thought. This is why we think writing is difficult.Interactive Journaling focuses your thoughts and quiets your mind so you can hear yourself say what you know to be true.I’m traveling to Carson City, Nevada, to spend a couple of days with Don Kuhl, the grand poobah of Interactive Journaling. I hope to convince Don to craft the Interactive Journaling portion of Dr. Lori Barr’s new class at Wizard Academy, Optimism for Beginners.Don is CEO of The Change Companies, the publisher of the behavior modification curriculums used by the better rehab programs across America.Interactive Journaling has turned countless addicts into model citizens. I believe it might also be able to turn pessimists into optimists.At its heart, Interactive Journaling is a series of written questions that students may answer however they choose. But these answers must be written down.In this private, inner world of the mind, there’s no one with whom you can argue. There is no authority figure trying to impose his or her will. The only teacher is your own experience. The only voice you hear is yours.Interactive Journaling facilitates behavior change quietly and affordably. Are there behaviors you would like to see changed in: your employees? your students? your kids? yourself?Each of us already knows the right answers. I’m going to Carson City to learn the right questions.Fingers crossed.Roy H. Williams

I detest the Positive Thinking cult. Yes, you read that correctly.But I am supremely optimistic. I see the Positive Thinking cult as the religion of Hubris; man worshipping himself. “I am my own god. I control my own destiny. There is nothing I can’t be, nothing I can’t do, nothing I can’t accomplish. I am limited only by my own thoughts.”Sorry. I just needed to put that on the table. It’s important to me that you know I’m not a you-can-do-it-if-you-think-you-can motivational weasel selling magic beans to unsuspecting children.“But didn’t Jack’s beans grow into a beanstalk that reached into the clouds?”Thank you for helping make my point: IT’S A FAIRY TALE.Sometimes your very best just isn’t good enough.But I believe optimism is the gateway to happiness.Outcomes are determined by actions.Actions are determined by beliefs.Your attitude is the glow of your beliefs.What do you believe about the future? What is your relationship to Chance?Have you ever met a happy pessimist? Pessimists prefer the term “realist.” This allows them to reposition optimists as unrealistic airheads who need not be taken seriously. So no, I’m not going to let you pretend you’re neither optimistic nor pessimistic but are merely scientifically “realistic.”Reality refers only to the current moment: a thing is, or it is not. Optimism and pessimism reflect your expectations about the future. Data is one thing, chance is another. Facts don’t alter the reality of Chance.What do you expect Chance to bring?Optimism is surrounded by cliché: “The optimist sees the glass half full, the pessimist sees it half empty.” You’ve always understood this distinction and wished you could see the world more cheerfully, but you can’t help how you feel, right?Wrong. Optimism is a choice.Discussions about the future reveal your basic belief system. Whether you call him God or Chance or The Universe or whatever, you believe he is aware of you or he is not.If you believe he is aware, then you believe he either likes you or he does not.My position is similar to that of Michael J. Fox: “I believe there is a god and it’s not me.” I believe God sees my flaws and knows my darkness but he likes me anyway. I believe bad things happen randomly. I don’t attribute them to God. Arthur C. Clarke said it best: “You can’t have it both ways. You can’t have both free will and a benevolent higher power who protects you from yourself.” This understanding supports my optimism. It is part of my belief about God.This is what I believe about you: You are astoundingly, amazingly, unbelievably lucky. Good things happen to you that you don’t deserve. Good things are on the way.When a bad thing happens, let the ugly pass. Don’t stare at it. Keep your eyes on the beauty that will follow in its wake like a skier behind a boat.Keep your eyes on the rope. The skier will soon appear, smiling and beaming with good news. Expect it.Roy H. Williams 

Not a Chance.People don’t really change their minds. They simply make new decisions based on new information. In the absence of new information, there will be no new decision. Give a person the same information you’ve given them in the past and they’ll make the same decision they’ve made in the past. Want a new decision? Provide new information. This new information can be facts and details or it can be a new angle of view: “Today’s expensive drugs pay for tomorrow’s miracle cures.”That sentence doesn’t give us new information. You and I already know:(1.) prescription drug prices are ridiculously high and(2.) drug companies have to pay for their own research. “Today’s expensive drugs pay for tomorrow’s miracle cures,” merely gives us a new perspective by linking the first piece of information to the second. People trust what they already know. Present your customer’s own suspicions, beliefs and prejudices as “evidence” and they’ll judge your assertions to be completely credible. Even when they’re not. That sounds a bit Machiavellian, doesn’t it? Sorry about that, but I want you to have a clear understanding of the technique used by sinister leaders to gain control over large groups of people. Racist presidential candidate George Wallace used this technique in 1968 when he told Americans to vote for him and “send a signal to Washington.” His seemingly innocent statement was built upon 2 assumptions:(1.)  something is wrong in Washington.(2.)  Wallace is against what’s wrong and you should be, too.That first assumption, “Something is wrong in Washington,” is so easy to sell that the second assumption is swallowed without thinking. Wallace used a communication trick I call, “bouncing it off the invisible backboard.”1.    (1.) When you say a thing clearly it goes swish through the net like a basketball. 2.    (2.) Bounce a new idea off an established idea and you’re using the established idea as a backboard. We did this in the statement, “Today’s expensive drugs pay for tomorrow’s miracle cures.” Drugs are expensive was the established idea to which we made specific reference. In essence, it served as a backboard. 3.    (3.) But when you bounce your idea off another idea without making specific reference to the second idea, I say you’re “bouncing it off the invisible backboard.”“White people are superior to black people” was the invisible, racist backboard off which Wallace bounced his statement, “Send a signal to Washington.” “She’s so fine there’s no tellin’ where the money went.” Pennie laughed when she heard that line for the first time in Robert Palmer’s Simply Irresistible. Let’s take a look at all the buried assumptions cleverly hidden within that line: (1.)  There was money.(2.)  It’s gone.(3.)  The man with the money was accompanied by an intoxicatingly beautiful woman.(4.)  He spent the money on the woman.(5.)  He has no memory of it. None of these things was said clearly. We intuit them, reading between the lines. I’m convinced the invisible backboard is found in the right hemisphere of the brain. Unlike the left hemisphere, the right brain doesn’t know fact from fiction or right from wrong. The right brain is all about pattern recognition; hunches, gut feelings, intuitions and premonitions. Speak indirectly to your customer’s hidden suspicions, beliefs and prejudices. Bounce your suggestion off an invisible backboard in the brain’s right hemisphere and you’re whispering naked, in the dark, to the heart. Roy H. Williams

discovering the science behind every artArt is the language of relevance. Science is the language of credibility.Art is interpreted by feelings. Science is what’s left when feelings are gone.Art is the language of the brain’s right hemisphere; science is the language of the left. And the tug-of-war between the two gives us a funny, dual consciousness; the heart whispers one thing while the mind declares another. This is why the hardest choices in life are the choices between two good things: mercy and justice, loyalty and honesty, the impulse of play and the discipline of restraint: right brain and left.Good things often come into conflict, do they not? Liberal and conservative. Art and science. Faith and fact. When faced with a duality, do you choose one side and disparage the other or do you hold tightly onto both and become electric?Advertising is an art and a science.Public speaking is an art and a science.Music is an art and a science.Business is an art and a science.Hollister and Gideon’s other grandfather, Carl Morris, said, “Every science begins as an art. We come upon it intuitively, study it to find the recurrent patterns, then create charts and systems to give us control over it.” Carl has never attended Wizard Academy but he’s already figured out what we do here: we discover the science behind every art.We investigate the languages of shape, color, symbol (metaphor,) music, proximity, radiance and phonemes. And then we teach our students how to leverage these tools to move hearts and minds.We’re rather a dangerous bunch.Advertising and politics, fiction and poetry, painting and photography, food and music, each of these is merely a conduit in which flows a conflicted duality: ones and zeros, pointed and soft, bitter and sweet.Tower construction has been halted.The good news is that we’re about 90 percent complete and the $93,000 elevator is mostly bought, but the kitchen, bathrooms and small offices above those bathrooms have not yet been completed. Strangely, we were at about this same stage of construction – 90 percent – when the Engelbrecht House project came grinding to a halt.Things were going along fine on the tower until we had to plunk down $78,000 all at once for the elevator. This leaves us teetering on the financial edge because we’re committed to not having a mortgage. Please don’t suggest that we borrow the money.Here’s my solution: The workmen are going to stack those huge blocks of limestone we cut from the plateau to build some beautiful retaining walls and terraced gardens. We already own the equipment and the blocks so all we’ll have to fund is the labor, the diesel fuel, the plants and the topsoil in which to plant them. A good project for spring and early summer, don’t you think? My hope is that the money to finish the tower will appear during the few weeks that we’re working on the landscape. I feel good about it.The bad news is that this pushes the Tower Grand Opening Gala to late summer or early autumn.This would be a really great time for you to sign up for a class or special event, don’t you think? Aside from what we’ll spend to feed you while you’re here, 100 percent of your tuition will go toward finishing the tower.Six Years of nonstop fundraising and construction has been wearisome. I think that when you and I finally finish this tower we should shift our focus to building the alumni. You agree? Good. It’s unanimous. Tomorrow will be a brand new day.Come, we’ll watch the sun rise together.Roy H. Williams

Relevance and credibility are the matches and gunpowder of advertising. Relevance is a glowing promise that can ignite the flame of desire.Credibility is quiet power: Details. Facts. Proof.The flame of relevance without the gunpowder of credibility is empty, glittering hype; fluffy and without substance. We see a hollow promise, the brief light of a match in the darkness and then the darkness returns.The gunpowder of credibility without a flame of relevance is the answer to a question no one was asking. Credibility sans relevance is cold, heavy and dry. We are bored by it.But add the glowing flame of relevance to the dry gunpowder of credibility andBOOM. You get everyone’s attention.BOOM. Folks come running from every direction.BOOM. The world is on fire. Lights. Sirens. News cameras. Helicopters.BOOM. Every banker wants to be your friend.Want to hear something really strange? Writers who understand relevance are generally allergic to credibility. They speak ever to emotion, never willing to satisfy our hunger for details and proof. They say, “We have great prices!” and we say, “Name one.” They say, “The lowest prices! Guaranteed!” and we say, “What are the terms of this guarantee, exactly? What happens if I find a lower price? Do I get the advertised item for free or do you make excuses, apologize, and expect me to walk away satisfied? Guarantee, my ass.”Writers who understand credibility seem allergic to emotional relevance. They hate hyperbole and never want to be accused of it. “We have been in business since 1953. We are part of the community. We believe in honesty and in making a fair profit. When other stores say ‘half price,’ you should always ask, ‘half of what?’ We don’t play those mark-it-up to mark-it-down pricing games like the other stores. We are experts. You can trust us. Our staff has 170 years of combined experience. And yes, we’re every bit as boring as we sound.”Step one: light the match of relevance. Step two: touch it to credibility. And make sure it’s a powder keg and not just a firecracker. The pop-pop-pop of firecracker credibility is like the yap-yap-yap of grandma’s annoying little Pekingese dog.The person who combines relevance with credibility can change the world.Relevance with credibility is the answer to public education. Our current educational system offers credible information that has little relevance to the lives of today’s students.Relevance with credibility is the answer for the church. Credibility is truth. Relevance is emotion. Truth without emotion is the ruling of a judge. No one is attracted to a courtroom. Emotion without truth is a cult.Church attendance is dwindling in America because ministers, like ad writers, usually lean too far to one side and away from the other.Without relevance and credibility, there can be no BOOM.Ad writers, sales people, teachers, trainers and ministers, ask yourselves continually, “Does what I’m about to say have relevance? Will it speak to the hearts of my audience? Will they be moved?” And then ask, “Is my message credible? Are my promises supported by evidence without loopholes? Will the audience have confidence in what I’m saying?Relevance plus credibility:BOOM.Roy H. Williams

I’ve been thinking a lot about aging. Now I’m a cliché for sure: a middle-aged man contemplating all the things in his life that will likely remain undone.The weirdest triggers send us off on these melancholy journeys. By “us” I mean pampered American men. Today’s introspective journey was triggered when Dale Betts asked me about the 12 Stages of Seduction. He remembered reading my memo about them but hadn’t been able to find it in the archives at MondayMorningMemo.com.I found it for him. That memo was November 10, 2008, eighteen months ago.Damn. Eighteen months. A year and a half.I remember writing it. I remember Pennie asking me to help her hang shirts from the dryer, the client I was going to meet at the office when the sun was up, the bills I was worried about paying.Where does time go when it passes? Does it wink out of existence? Is it in a file folder somewhere?Methinks my finger has been on the fast-forward button when I should have been content with play.“But if you are content,” we are told, “you aren’t living up to your full potential.”Contentment is another interesting concept, a shimmering mirage we hear about, but never see.“We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” – Kim FossPaul tells us that a person who knows God and is content is the richest person on earth, “for we brought nothing into this world and it is certain we can carry nothing out.”Yes, my finger has been on the fast-forward button when I should have been content with play.Play is the third interesting concept tumbling around in my mind. I remember writing about it recently. When was that? Pardon me while I look for it in the archives.Crap. I wrote that on May 12, 2003, nearly 7 years ago.Yes, I am a cliché. Turn with me now to page 17 in The Handbook for Men Having a Mid-Life Crisis. I read here on page 17 that I have 2 options:1: Buy a sports car, a hairpiece and a membership at a gym.2: Get a hobby. Number one is definitely not going to happen and I don’t much like the word “hobby,” either. It doesn’t connect to big words like “joy” and “epiphany.” So I’m going to stick with “play.”Play doesn’t just connect to the big words; it is one.My 2003 memo tells me that for an activity to be play, it must be:1. intrinsically motivating.If you play because you want to win a trophy, you’re not really playing for pleasure and are therefore not truly playing.2. freely chosen.If you are playing because someone told you to, you are not truly playing.3. actively engaging.If you play while disinterested in the game, you are in essence not playing.4. fun.You must derive pleasure from it.Play is a shortcut to happiness. Laughter is medicine. You know these things. But did you also know that people who are destitute are surprisingly likely to describe themselves as happy?Let me be clear: I’m not recommending poverty as the key to happiness. But in her book, Happiness Around the World: The Paradox of Happy Peasants and Miserable Millionaires, Professor Carol Graham firmly disproves the supposed link between wealth and happiness.As an example: the citizens of Japan earn and spend 25 times as much as citizens of Nigeria but the Japanese are no more likely to describe themselves as happy. Scientist Graham conducted an exhaustive study of the world’s population, leading her to conclude, “Higher per capita income levels do not translate directly into higher average happiness levels.”Evidently, Frank McKinney Hubbard was right, “It’s pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.”I believe nothing on earth can “make” you happy.Happiness is a choice.And it’s free.Play on.Roy H. Williams 

“Hello ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back at your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me. But if he stopped using lady-scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down. Back up. Where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it. It’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again. The tickets are now diamonds. Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady. I’m on a horse.” Much has been made of the new TV ad from Old Spice, “The Man Your Man Could Smell Like.” Yes, its seamless one-shot videography and old-school stage effects are impressive and I’m certain the oyster in his hand is supposed to trigger unconscious sexual appetite, especially when its location is invaded by a massive, Old Spice cylinder that rises slowly upward.But these are not the things that captivate us. Impressive special effects and hidden sexual triggers are everywhere, no big deal.That script, however, is a big deal. It’s fabulous.I’m going to pause for a moment to applaud the writer of that ad.Okay, I’m back now. (And yes, I really did quit typing and applaud.)The magic of the Old Spice script is hidden in plain sight; imperative voice is the sound of command: “Look at your man. Now back to me.” Swim to Kansas. Walk your dog. Kick a can. Lead the imagination. Don’t be ignored. Write imperative voice.Imperative:1.  Expressing a command or plea.2. Having the power or authority to command or control.3. Impossible to deter or evade; pressing.Do it. Open with a 3-word sentence. Make the first word a verb. Prepare to be amazed. Imperative voice gets attention.Lift the receiver. Dial the number. Two nine five, fifty-seven hundred. Kristin will answer. Make a donation. Finish the tower. Attend a class. Go home smiling. Make big money.The area code is 512.I shared all this with my partners during a 2-day training session last month. Tim Miles, a brilliant ad writer with so many clients that he no longer accepts new ones – ka-ching – sent me the following email a few days later:Subject: Short Sentences Rock!Dude,That short, impactful sentence exercise we did last week? I used it to write lines for an ad that started Monday. We saw an immediate increase in the number of generated leads. Seriously – BANG like a gun.Thanks for the technique.TimHere’s a 10-second example:Swim to Kansas. Forget the water. The arms of the propeller on your Piper Meridian will move you quickly, safely and in powerful style. Swim the grand ocean… of the sky.These are the keys:1. Short sentences.   Four words are okay. Three are better. Two rock.2. Open with verbs.   Walk. Sing. Wiggle. Kick. Dance. Jump. Swim. Lift.3. Imperative voice.   Tight. Taut. Command.This week’s memo is short.       I’m on a horse.Roy H. Williams

A fortress protects you and makes you feel safe. A strongly held belief is a fortress. It protects your view of reality. You defend your fortress when you feel it’s under attack.But is every strongly held belief true?The sincerity of the believer does not determine the truth of the belief.Don’t panic, I’m not attacking your fortresses. I have no idea what you believe but I do know you have 4 categories of beliefs:1. Beliefs about GodIs he there or not? Does he care or not? Has he spoken to us or not? Is the future written or do you have free will? You have a belief.2. Beliefs about SelfAre you essentially good or basically bad? Are you broken or whole? Do you matter? You have a belief.3. Beliefs about OthersDo others give to you or take from you? Can they be trusted? What do you mean to them? You have a belief.4. Beliefs about CircumstancesDo you shape your circumstances or do they shape you? Will they get better or grow worse? What do you really deserve? You have a belief.Is there a chancethat one of your beliefs is wrongand your fortress has become a prison?I’m not a motivational speaker. I’m a business consultant. Stay with me.Frances Frei of Harvard Business School says you cannot change a person’s behavior until you change their beliefs. I agree with her.Feelings are the products of actions.Actions are the products of beliefs.Ms. Frei teaches business owners how to change the behavior of employees by changing what employees believe.I teach how to change the behavior of customers by changing what customers believe. But in each instance, the first change of belief must happen in the heart of the business owner.Are you up for it?Roy H. Williams

I’m always stunned, slack-jawed, big-eyed and stupid when a person chooses to do what obviously won’t work. I stand there in a daze, awed by the fact that Jesus can love such idiots as the human race. Maybe I overreact.My first big-eyed moment happened when I was 21 years old. I was a sales rep in a radio station back before we learned to call ourselves Account Executives. Yes, I’m talking about the really old days. Cell phones didn’t exist. If you needed to make a call, you dug in your pocket for a quarter and looked around for a phone booth. There were no such things as CD players or the internet. The only way for the public to hear new music was on the radio.Radio stations played black vinyl circles with grooves cut into them. A diamond needle on a mechanical arm would ride the groove and its vibrations are what created the music. You’ve probably seen this on the Flintstones.My desk at the radio station faced a window that looked into the parking lot. About once a week I’d see a band show up in their finest show-clothes and walk toward our door with hope shining from their faces like Christmas morning. The leader would carry the band’s privately produced album like it was the Ark of the Covenant, a disc with the power to spin them into superstars at thirty-three and a third revolutions per minute.They imagined themselves greeted by a receptionist with a beaming smile. “My!” she would say, “You’re obviously an important, up-and-coming band. I can tell by your impressive show-clothes. Let me get the person in charge of the radio station so he can officially discover you.”Curious and hopeful, I'd always walk down the hallway to see their pitch.Our receptionist was as polished as a teller in a drive-thru bank. You could almost see the bulletproof glass. “I’m sorry but he can’t see you right now… No, you’ll need to leave that with me. If he likes it he’ll give you a call… Yes, I promise I’ll give it to him personally.”And that would be the end of it.Unless… I liked these people. In those rare cases I would follow them into the parking lot and say, “Did you bring another one of those with you?”In a wink I was surrounded by wide eyes and white teeth. Christmas morning had returned and I was Santa Claus. It was scary. “Do you work for Love 98 FM?” they’d ask.“No, I work for their AM sister station.”An album would magically appear in my hands and a voice would say, “What’s your format? We do all kinds of music. We’ve got slow songs, fast songs, rock songs, country songs, ballads, you name it. What kind of music do you play?”“My station doesn’t play music but I can still help you.”Disappointed and suspicious they would look at me as if Santa had said, “I didn’t bring you any toys this year.”And then I would tell them how to get the attention of every radio station in America.“The person who chooses the music is called the Program Director. And all along the baseboard of his office are stacked at least 2,000 unsolicited record albums he plans to evaluate as soon as he has time. Each album has 10 songs. Finding a hit in that pile of 20,000 songs will be like looking for a needle in a haystack. And to make matters worse, privately produced albums have covers that always look a little bit homemade. This creates an expectation of low-budget sound. And guess what? That’s exactly what he hears when he drops the needle. Ten seconds into the first song, he lifts the needle and the party’s over. The album goes back into the jacket, never to be seen again.”Now they’re looking at Santa like he kicked their puppy.I had been told I lacked people skills but I plunged ahead, “Unsolicited albums are added to the stack along the baseboard but 45 RPM singles get a needle dropped on them immediately, especially when they’ve got the same song on both sides. A 45 RPM single says to the Program Director, ‘Somebody really believes in this song.’ And singles are packaged in plain paper sleeves so there’s no cover art to prejudice his opinion.”I’m doing this because I want to help these people, remember? So I’d always tell them, “Pick your best song and pull out all the stops. Hire an arranger and a producer. Pay studio musicians to play those little accent parts that turn good songs into great ones. A high-budget single costs less money to produce than a low-budget album.”We’d stand there in awkward silence until one of them broke the stillness. “You’re an idiot,” the voice would say, “With an album we’ve got 10 chances to get airplay but with a single we’ve only got one chance.” And then they’d climb in the van and drive away while I stood there in the parking lot, dumbfounded.Not once did they ever say, “Wow. Thanks for caring enough to share that with us.”I knew the bands were delusional. I just never realized that I was, too.Strangely, I never quit advising people. In fact, I made a career of it.But a good friend told me something that has saved everyone a lot of pain. “Unsolicited advice is abuse,” he said. So I no longer offer unsolicited advice.And just to play it safe, I no longer try to help musicians.Roy H. Williams