Wizard of Ads Monday Morning Memo

These are the basic principles of Chaotic Ad Writing as taught by Wizard Academy:1. Approach your subject from an unexpected angle.2. Tell two stories at once, using the relationship between two things as a pattern to reveal the relationship between two other things.3. Allow the listener to arrive at their own conclusion.In the New Testament, stories like these are known as parables.This is the challenge we outlined in last week’s Monday Morning Memo:STEP ONE: I have chosen the word “Molokai” to be our unexpected beginning.STEP TWO: Send indy@WizardOfAds.com a link to the website of a product or service for which an ad could not possibly begin with the word “Molokai.”STEP THREE: I will randomly select five of these products or services and write a fascinating ad for each of them beginning with the word, “Molokai.”STEP FOUR: These five ads will be published in next week’s Monday Morning Memo.DISCLOSURE: When I promised I would “randomly select” 5 products or services for which I would write an ad beginning with Molokai, I hadn’t yet decided how I was going to do that. In the end, I just told Indy to give me the first 5 emails he received. These were fromJay Leigeber at 1:25AM,Malton Schexneider at 3:24AM,Pauline Tom at 3:51AM,Damien Deighan at 4:08AM, andTSO at 4:39AM, but this was an email to Indy for a “Molokai Beach Face Mask,” from John at TSO, so it was sort of like, “Interesting coincidence, huh?” So I figured I would take the next one,Bryan Eisenberg at 5:18AM, but Bryan is a close friend and that would look suspicious, so I disqualified him and went with Wendy Gardner at 5:53AM.A few more emails trickled in during the next 30 minutes, then at 6:25AM Jason Fox opened the floodgates and Indy Beagle feared he would be swept away.Are you ready to read some ads?Jay Leigeber was convinced “Molokai” could not be used as the opening word for this product:Molokai. The most Hawaiian of the Hawaiian islands. Warm, wonderful, Molokai.For a one-time payment of just a hundred and twenty-nine dollars…Tushy will take you to Molokai every day…and bring you home, relaxed… refreshed… and feeling oh, so fine.The Tushy Spa warm water bidet attachment will fit any toilet…in any home… and take you to warm, wonderful Molokai whenever…you want…. to go.HelloTushy dot com.Malton Schexneider was convinced “Molokai” could not be used as the opening word for this product:Molokai is the wonderful island where the Hawaiians sent their people when they had a painful, debilitating condition. If you experience back pain, you know debilitating pain. Will you let us help you? Our free report on Eliminating and Preventing Back Pain will be your own private, Molokai, where you can find relief, and health, and experience happiness once again. Molokai awaits you at Back Pain Relief Secrets dot com.[That ad was completely true, by the way. Molokai housed Hawaii’s leper colony for more than 100 years. – Indy Beagle]Pauline Tom was convinced “Molokai” could not be used as the opening word for this product:Molokai. That untouched Hawaiian island, is HOME to the world’s most beautiful birds. But there is one bird in your own backyard that is smart… and wise… and beautiful enough to be the pride of Molokai, and it needs a home, too. Will you give your Bluebird a fabulous, custom home where it can be safe and happy? Just 25 dollars at Texas Bluebird Society dot org.Damien Deighan was convinced “Molokai” could not be used as the opening word for this product:Molokai is the island where everything is simple… straightforward… uncomplicated. If you’re looking for a simple, straightforward, uncomplicated way to find the data scientists your company needs, visit data science talent dot co dot uk, the Molokai of data science. Last year we filled 91.6 percent of all requests with the picture-perfect candidate. Simple, straightforward, uncomplicated… data science talent dot co dot uk. Aloha.Wendy Gardner was convinced “Molokai” could not be used as the opening word for this product:Molokai. Five hundred visitors travel to Hawaii, but the one who goes home with a life-changing smile is that one visitor who finds marvelous, magnificent, Molokai. BaxterBoo dog goggles are like that. Five hundred dogs wag their tails but the dog that makes you smile is that one dog who is wearing marvelous… magnificent… BaxterBoo dog goggles. BaxterBoo dot com. Visit us.[Wait a minute! A few hours after the wizard wrote those five ads, an email from Bob Jones suddenly appeared and it was time-stamped at 2:39AM! I guess it got hung up somewhere along the way, so I asked the wizard to write one last ad. – Indy Beagle]Molokai. The unspoiled island. Pure water. Fresh Air. Nature at its most natural. Aquaza brings the health and freshness of Molokai to crowded dairy farms, poultry farms, and industrial greenhouses. Aquaza means healthy dairy cows, happy laying hens, robust roses and vibrant vegetables with thicker, stronger roots. Aquaza… the health of an unspoiled island, whenever… and wherever… you need it. Aquaza dot comRight now you’re probably thinking that it must easy to tie “Molokai” to any kind of product or service. But the truth is that we could easily have opened our ads with “King Darius of Persia was defeated by Alexander the Great,” or “Nazis were Not What They Pretended to Be,” or “Wonderland Just isn’t the Same Without Alice.”The word “Molokai” isn’t magic. The magic is found in the fact that, “everything in the universe is connected, of course. It’s just a matter of using imagination to discover the links, and language to expand and enliven them.”Roy H. Williams

Robert Frost died when I was four, so we never met face to face, but throughout my formative years I spent an hour with him every night before I fell asleep.Robert Frost taught me how to write.If you will write like Robert Frost, you must approach your subject from an unexpected angle. Few things capture the attention like the unexpected. When your reader or listener has chosen to follow you on a journey, it is because they expect to be fascinated, intrigued, and delighted.Don’t let them down.Robert Frost knew that things can be used as metaphors for other things, which is why his poems often finish by making a powerful point we didn’t see coming. The dual nature of metaphors makes it easy to tell two stories at once.In addition, Frost uses metaphors to lead us toward a destination. Then he allows us to joyfully discover it on our own. He doesn’t tell us what to believe; he just causes us to believe it.And like every great ad, his poems get better with every repetition.Robert Frost noticed the binary relationship between the hot and cold theories of earth’s destruction and wrote “Fire and Ice” exactly 100 years ago.Some say the world will end in fire,Some say in ice.From what I’ve tasted of desireI hold with those who favor fire.But if it had to perish twice,I think I know enough of hateTo say that for destruction iceIs also greatAnd would suffice.– Robert Frost  (1920)1. With his opening surprise of just 12 words he shows us the two possibilities known to every astrophysicist: (A.) our world could be burned up by the explosion of our sun, or (B.) we could perish in a coming ice age.2. But then he makes a hard left turn to reveal that desire is just another type of fire, and hate is another kind of ice that for destruction “is also great and would suffice.”Robert Frost opens our eyes to the destructive powers of greed and hate in 15 seconds, with just 51 words.When you allow a person to arrive at their own conclusion, the truth you have communicated is no longer your truth, but their truth, and no one will ever be able to take it away from them. They will forever defend it as a product of their own observation.1. Approach your subject from an unexpected angle.2. Tell two stories at once, using the relationship between two things as a pattern to reveal the relationship between two other things.3. Allow the listener to arrive at their own conclusion.These are the principles of Chaotic Ad Writing as taught by Wizard Academy.Chaos in science is not randomness but its opposite, a higher level of order beyond the scope of our immediate awareness. In the words of chaotic novelist Tom Robbins,*“Everything in the universe is connected, of course. It’s just a matter of using imagination to discover the links, and language to expand and enliven them.”But Robert Frost knew this before Tom Robbins was born. And Robert Frost taught it to me.Shall we put it to the test?STEP ONE: I have chosen the word “Molokai” to be our unexpected beginning.STEP TWO: Send indy@WizardOfAds.com a link to the website of a product or service for which an ad could not possibly begin with the word “Molokai.”STEP THREE: I will randomly select five of these products or services and write a fascinating ad for each of them beginning with the word, “Molokai.”STEP FOUR: These five ads will be published in next week’s Monday Morning Memo.The objective of this demonstration will be to show you how “everything in the universe is connected, of course,” and how you can leverage these connections to accomplish things you have never been able to accomplish before.I would happily tell you “what kinds of things” but when you have seen this technique demonstrated five times, you will come to your own conclusions. The connectedness of everything around you will no longer be Robert Frost’s truth, or Tom Robbins’ truth, or my truth, but your truth, and no one will ever be able to take it away from you.Robert Frost won the Pulitzer Prize 4 times and was nominated for the Nobel Prize a record 31 times. Had he chosen to become an ad writer, he could have helped thousands of business owners achieve their dreams and become wonderfully wealthy in the process.Roy H. Williams

Above ground, in the sunlight, grain silos provide much of our daily sustenance.Below ground, in the darkness, hides another kind of silo.But it is not the missile silo that is killing us. People are disappearing into the bone-dry quicksand of grain silos in less than 5 seconds.“Once entrapment begins, it happens very quickly due to the suction-like action of the grain; Researchers in Germany found that an average person who has sunk into grain once it has stopped flowing can get out only as long as it has not reached knee level; at waist level assistance is required. Once the grain has reached the chest a formal rescue effort must be undertaken.” – WIKIPEDIAI have my beliefs and you have your beliefs.Belief is not a group project. But a sense of belonging, the creation of a community, and the establishment of a society have always been group projects.Covid-19 took the face-to-faceness of community and society away from us, leaving us no alternative but to gather online in echo-chamber silos where we can hear our own opinions voiced oh-so-eloquently by others.If we sink into the life-giving grain of these online silos, we will suffocate.When you know a person’s silos, you know everything about them that matters.Cambridge Analytica gained access to information on 50 million Facebook users as a way to identify the personalities of American voters and influence their behavior. Cambridge Analytica was merely an expression of Online Marketing 101.I’m not saying it was right. What I’m saying is that when you are in a silo, you are easy to manipulate.We segregate ourselves into silos based on (1.) our beliefs, and (2.) our activities.The most successful online marketers are those who know their ABC’s.*A: Identify a tribe.B: Develop the tribe.C: Market to the tribe.Each of us participates in a handful of tribes. It is impossible to avoid.Just try to remember that each of your tribes exists in a silo – an echo chamber – where it is easy to become convinced that “everyone” thinks and feels like you do.But your silos aren’t the world. And my silos aren’t, either.This is why I’ve been reaching out to well-spoken friends and acquaintances who spend time in other silos and have different beliefs. I asked these people – one by one – to share their thoughts on subjects I knew they saw differently than me.I’ve enjoyed it immensely, and I suggest you do it, too.But this is the important part: Ask and listen only. Do not – under any circumstances – offer your perspective. If you do, the whole conversation will feel to your friend like an ambush. Just ask questions and keep your mouth shut. Focus your mind on trying to see what your friend sees.And do it by Zoom or telephone. It is much easier to focus a call – and end it – than a face-to-face meeting.Do you have the courage to do this? Are you willing to look at the future – if only for a few minutes – through the eyes of someone who believes differently than you?If you answer yes, you have the mind of a mass marketer with arms long enough to embrace the world.If you answer no, my suggestion is that you focus your marketing firepower on the silos you know best. This will allow you to talk to your tribe, in the language of that tribe, according to the values and beliefs they hold dear.Indy says to tell you “Aroo,” and that he’ll see you in the rabbit hole.Roy H. Williams* as taught by chairman Ryan Deiss in his class at Wizard Academy.“A relationship seldom achieves its full potential without confrontation; but confrontation is almost always doomed to failure unless it grows out of a deep trust built on honest communication. Even then, it must be handled with sensitivity. If your friend is not convinced of your genuine concern, if he is not certain that you have his best interests at heart, he will likely become defensive, rejecting your correction.” – Richard Exley“Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are travelling the dark journey with us. Be swift to love, make haste to be kind.” – Henri Frederic AmielA

You are flying your small airplane on a beautiful day.There is a tiny speck on your windshield.Like the North Star, it doesn’t move.This is why it escapes your notice.Had that speck begun moving across your windshield, you would have recognized it as another airplane. The fact that it doesn’t move means that you and that speck will soon intersect unless one of you changes direction. That speck will quickly-all-at-once fill your windshield and then…I’m trying to teach you a new way of thinking about your blind spot.If you knew it was there, they wouldn’t call it a blind spot.Blind spots are why it is wise for you and me to each have a special person in our lives to notice things we don’t notice. You would be amazed at the number of times each week Princess Pennie has to point out specks on the windshield I didn’t see.Right now, you are thinking to yourself, “What the wizard just told us completely contradicts Indy Beagle’s assertion last week that, ‘Nothing is so annoying as unsolicited advice, for within it lies the assumption of superior wisdom.'”I’m not contradicting Indy, I’m just pointing out a speck on his windshield. Each of us – you, me, everyone – is limited in our perceptions. But we don’t like to believe we are.Time-travel with me:In the second chapter of the first book of the Bible, God muses to himself, “It is not good for a person to be alone.”I think this is why He made so many of us, and why we are so different.Solomon, widely known for his wisdom, wrote, “Two are better than one…If one falls down, his partner can help him up. But pity the person who falls and has no one to help him up!” 1And in the Proverbs, he wrote, “Whoever finds a partner finds a good thing.” 2On page 148 of the book that won her the Nobel Prize in Literature,3 Olga Tokarczuk writes,“The world here is so large, so impossible to take in,” she said, fixing her gaze on me for a few seconds, testing me, “Agata is my wife.”I blinked, I had never heard one woman referring to another as “my wife” before. But I liked it.“You’re surprised, aren’t you?”I thought for a while.“I could have a wife, too,” I said with conviction. “It’s better to live with someone than alone. It’s easier to go through life together with someone than on one’s own.”Allow me to conclude by revisiting your accusation that today’s Monday Morning Memo contradicts last week’s Monday Morning Memo written by Indy Beagle.Niels Bohr, the physicist who won the 1922 Nobel Prize in Physics, said,“The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.”Please note that Niels Bohr was a physicist, not a philosopher.Stanislaw Lec, however, was a philosopher. He confirmed Niels Bohr’s thesis about opposite truths by saying, “Proverbs contradict each other. That is the wisdom of a people.” 4F. Scott Fitzgerald, the writer who gave us The Great Gatsby, summarized the idea of opposite truths this way, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”Yes, F. Scott was a drunkard, but that doesn’t mean he was wrong. Alcohol was a speck on his windshield. Sadly for F. Scott, that speck quickly-all-at-once filled his windshield when he was just 44 years old.I’m betting if he had it all to do over again, he would have let someone help him wipe that speck away.Roy H. Williams1 Ecclesiastes 4:9-102 Proverbs 18:22 [Yeah, I wrote “partner” when Solomon said “wife.” Don’t have a conniption. A person doesn’t have to be your spouse – or even female – to point out the speck on your windshield. – RHW]3 Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead, p. 1484 I’ve put 30 examples of “proverbs contradicting each other” in the rabbit hole for you. – Indy

Few things are as annoying as unsolicited advice,for within it lies the assumption of superior wisdom.(So when you tell a person your PLAN for what THEY should do,always be aware that they secretly want to punch you in the mouth.)Uh-oh. Did I just give you some unsolicited advice?Heavyweight Champion Mike Tyson was listening to a reporter tell him how his opponent planned to beat him in their upcoming boxing match. Mike famously replied, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”There are other interpretations of Mike’s famous saying, too. Like how “Plan B” is for when a business person gets punched in the mouth by unforeseen circumstances, and how “Plan C” is for when they get punched in the mouth a second time. When my boss, the wizard, was chancellor of Wizard Academy, he got all the way down to “Plan D,” and now Daniel Whittington is putting together “Plan E” because, you know, Covid.Hey! You want a PDF download of the 1998 Business Book of the Year, The Wizard of Ads?  Here you go! (I don’t know how it works in other browsers, but in Safari you’ll find “Export as PDF” under your FILE pulldown.)If it seems like my paragraphs aren’t connected to each other, it’s probably because all my experience is in the rabbit hole and beagles are easily distracted.Speaking of “distracted,” Gabrielle Roth writes,“If you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions. When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence? Where we have stopped dancing, singing, being enchanted by stories, or finding comfort in silence is where we have experienced the loss of soul. Dancing, singing, storytelling, and silence are the four universal healing salves.”I don’t know how it is with people, but dogs are born knowing this!Dance! Sing! Be Enchanted by Stories! Celebrate Silence!It’s really not that hard. Just imitate a happy dog.Samuel Butler was born in 1835 and even though that was a long time ago, Samuel understood the happiness of dogs:“The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.”Dale Carnegie said,“Did you ever see an unhappy horse? Did you ever see a bird that had the blues? One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses.”I guess it’s time to take this plane in for a landing now because the wizard gave me a target word-count and we’re getting pretty close to it. Keep in mind that I’m flying solo for the first time, okay?Here’s my summary, from a beagle’s point-of-view:The events of 2020 will leave their marks on us for the rest of our lives. Having been forced into a more introspective existence by the Covid, many people learned things about themselves that had previously been suppressed.Self-aware people experienced solitude and emerged from it less fixated on the outward trappings of success, and more concerned about the quality of their relationships and their inner lives.Persons unwilling to examine themselves experienced isolation and are filled with anxiousness about things returning to “how they used to be.”There. That’s it. Our wheels have touched the ground.“This is your captain speaking. Ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at our destination. We know you have a choice in air travel, and we want to thank you for choosing to fly Beagle Airlines.”Aroo,Indy Beagle

Notice that title. It does not say, “How to Write Scripts for TV Ads,” but, “How I Write…”I have my own weird way of doing it.TV writers use a split-page approach:Camera instructions in the left column. Audio in the right column.I chose not to do it that way.Back when the world was young, Radio people told me that Radio scripts SHOULD ALWAYS BE TYPED IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.I chose not to do it that way.and then came the online people who told me to write everything in lower case letters because who has the time to press the shift key in this fast paced digital world are living inMe. The answer is me. I have enough time to press the shift key.Aaron Sorkin would have been a great Radio writer. Watch his TV series – The West Wing, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, The Newsroom, or Sports Night – and you’ll hear dazzling dialogue, brilliant banter, and riveting repartee. Your imaginary people will begin talking like real people after you’ve studied his film scripts, A Few Good Men, The Social Network, Moneyball, and Steve Jobs.Aaron Sorkin says, “Until the words are right, ain’t nothin’ right.”Or at least that’s what he would say if he was from Texas.Radio writers have five tools in their toolbox:(A) choice of words(B) tone of voice(C) vocal inflection(D) music(E) special effects; such as the sound of a car starting, a door slamming, or a dog barking.Television writers have all the radio tools available to them, as well as:(F) facial expressions, hand gestures, and body language(G) Screen text(H) visual special effects; such as slow motion, disappearances, and backlighting.The predictable mistakes made by Radio people writing TV ads are:They try to cram 30 seconds worth of words into a 30-second TV ad.They describe things they could easily have shown onscreen.They forget screen text is available.They use an omniscient voice-over when they could have shown us the person talking. The omniscient narrator – common in radio ads – doesn’t work so well on TV.Make no mistake: bad writing is bad writing. A boring Radio ad will be a boring ad on TV.Here’s how to turn a great Radio ad into a brilliant TV ad:Eliminate descriptions of actions.Show us those actions instead. Add action-instructions to your script, but in a different color than the black ink used for dialogue. If you need to make a cellphone video of yourself performing the actions so the director can see what you see in your mind, do it.Show us who is talking.Add instructions to your script regarding hand gestures, facial expressions, and body language, but use a different color than the black ink used for dialogue.Use screen text.Domain names, phone numbers, and store hours are more easily shown than spoken. But before you add screen text, ask, “Do we really need this?” And when you write the instructions for screen text, use a different color than the black ink used for dialogue.Use special effects to amplify what you want to make memorable.But be careful. The gratuitous use of special effects is the mark of an amateur. Before you use them, ask, “Do we really need these?” And print these instructions in a different color than the black we use for dialogue.Color is a language that can be used to link, or separate.In case I forgot to mention it, the only thing you should ever print in black is the dialogue. Special effects, screen text, and instructions to the actors and cameramen will be in a subordinate color of ink.Because the dialogue – the words – are what matter most.I believe Radio writers can learn to write TV ads a lot easier thanTV writers can learn to write Radio ads.And Aaron Sorkin agrees!Or at least he would if he was from Texas.Roy H. Williams

457 BC – In the 7th chapter of the Old Testament Book of Ezra, King Artaxerxes of Persia issues a decree to rebuild Jerusalem which results in the rebuilding of that city under Nehemiah.Go west from Jerusalem across the Mediterranean, west across the Atlantic, then halfway across the landmass of North America and you’re in Central Texas. It was there, sometime between the decree of Artaxerxes in 457 BC and the birth of Jesus in Bethlehem, that a group of Native American wise men painted a huge mural in a cave along the Pecos river.These Coahuiltecans were stargazers who believed that geographical landmarks are mirrored in the stars. “As above, so below.”The astronomical and geographical accuracy of this 2,000-to-2,500-year-old rock painting is astounding. It shows all the major landmarks along the path of the sun during the winter solstice as it travels from Austin, Texas, to San Angelo, Texas, 200 miles away. And it is huge: 26 feet wide and 13 feet tall, featuring dozens of important landmarks and religious stories and astronomical devices; messages from a distant past.Today we will focus on two small, but important pieces of this giant rock painting known as the “White Shaman.”AThese three “Y” symbols in the painting are the three plateaus known as Wednesday Mountain (on which Wizard Academy is built,) Thursday Mountain (which is owned by a Native American tribe,) and Friday Mountain, at the base of which lies America’s largest Hindu temple.The alignment of these 3 plateaus mirrors the stars in the Belt of Orion with amazing fidelity. See it for yourself in the rabbit hole. The stars of Orion’s Belt have been recognized as many things over the centuries, including the Golden Yard-arm, the Ellwand and Our Lady’s Wand. They have also been called the Three Sisters, the Three Kings, the Three Wise Men and the Magi, the very namesakes for which Wizard Academy is named. How amazing is that!The Belt of Orion, the Great Bear, and the Pleiades are the only constellations mentioned in the Bible. Let’s talk about the landmarks that mirror the stars in the Great Bear, Ursa major.Cold water gushes out of the ground 365 days a year from 5 underground springs along the Central Texas escarpment: Barton Springs in Austin, San Marcos Springs in San Marcos, Comal Springs in New Braunfels, and San Pedro Springs and San Antonio Springs in downtown San Antonio. These springs are represented in the White Shaman by a connected set of 4 symbols revealing the locations of those springs. These locations mirror the stars in the tail of Ursa major, the Great Bear. Do you see that bottommost symbol? It represents San Pedro springs and San Antonio springs, both in downtown San Antonio. You’ll notice it to be a little different than the other symbols in that it has an additional module attached, with two red lines – a river  – extending out from it. This is because San Antonio springs is the headwaters of the San Antonio river. Those Coahuiltecans didn’t miss a thing!We were given this amazing news by our neighbor, Brian Dudley, who introduced us to Gary Perez, the Native American who became famous for deciphering the White Shaman rock painting.We were told by multiple people when we bought the land in 2004 that our plateau had been sacred to Native Americans since before the time of Columbus, but no one had any proof of that until now.Hearing Gary Perez and/or Carolyn Boyd, the author of the book, The White Shaman Mural, explain the history, astrology and math that went into decoding that rock painting would be fun, don’t you think?When this virus has finally been defeated, our plan is to have one or both of these luminaries as guest speakers when we celebrate the 20th anniversary of Wizard Academy. Your eyes will be wide with amazement as you hear about all the astrological, geographical, and cultural details that are contained in that mural. With your mouth hanging open, you’ll wonder, “How did the Coahuiltecans figure all that out?”Big fun. Big, big fun.Princess Pennie has always possessed a superpower when it comes to selecting real estate, so in 2004 when she tracked down the owner of our land (he lived in South Africa, by the way,) and purchased it from him, I went along with it because she has always been right about that sort of thing.This Covid thing is getting tiresome, isn’t it?Like everyone else, Wizard Academy is getting squeezed pretty hard financially right now, but I’m not worried about it because I have undying confidence that we are here for a reason.Thank You for your part in helping this place to exist.Roy H. Williams

I lived in Muskogee, Oklahoma for 3 years before Merle Haggard released his hit song, “I’m Proud to be an Okie from Muskogee.” Even though I was only 12 at the time, I realized Brother Haggard’s song contained more corn than the whole state of Iowa.I laugh about being an Okie, but in truth, I am proud of the resourcefulness of my tribe. An Okie can build a rocket ship while he is flying it.Walk into any Oklahoma restaurant, church, or nightclub and choose 9 men at random. You will have within that group the ability to:weld every kind of metalrepair any motorized vehicle, electrical appliance, or mechanical devicethrow a rock and knock a bird out of the skybutcher a cow, pig, or deertell a story that will make you laugh, and sing a song that will make your crydig the footings, tie the rebar, pour a cement foundation, thenframe the house, install the plumbing and wiring, hang the sheetrock and the cabinets, install the fixtures, roof it, brick it, and sell it.And Okie girls are twice as resourceful as Okie boys.Okies learn their skills from family and friends because formal education takes too long and teaches too little. If you want to be a doctor or a lawyer, go to college. But if you just want to make some money, go do it. Don’t stand there like a whiner with your finger in your nose. Don’t fret like a little girl who is worried that Santa Claus doesn’t know her new address. And don’t count on getting a lucky break like some kind of wimpy-ass frat boy. Okies who wait for breaks go broke.An Okie’s lack of respect for college degrees occasionally has unintended consequences. I recently got an email from a friend in high school who said, “All these immunologists are saying one thing, but some of the guys we went to high school with are saying the opposite, so I don’t know who to believe…”When Pennie and I bought our first home in the little town of Broken Arrow, three additional rooms had been added to the original structure to make it a total of 800 square feet. It was built in “Indian Territory” in 1884, just 108 years after the colonies informed King George that his services would no longer be required.In 1744, when ­Thomas Jefferson was still in diapers, all of North America outside the 13 colonies was “Indian Territory.” So when a delegation from Virginia offered to provide a college education for a dozen Native American boys, Chief Canassatego replied,“We know you highly esteem the kind of learning taught in these colleges. And the maintenance of our young men, while with you, would be very expensive to you. We’re convinced, therefore, that you mean to do us good by your proposal, and we thank you heartily. But you who are so wise must know that different nations have different conceptions of things. And you will not, therefore, take it amiss if our ideas of this kind of education happen not to be the same with yours.”“We have had some experience of it. Several of our young people were formerly brought up in the colleges of the northern province. They were instructed in all your sciences. But when they came back to us, they were bad runners, ignorant of every means of living in the woods, unable to bear either cold or hunger, knew neither how to build a cabin, take a deer, or kill an enemy, spoke our language imperfectly, and therefore were neither fit for hunters, warriors, nor councilors. They were totally good for nothing.”“We are, however, not the less obliged for your kind offer, though we decline accepting. To show our grateful sense of it, if the gentlemen of Virginia shall send us a dozen of their sons, we would take great care in their education, instruct them in all we know, and make men of them.”Some people are street smart and some people are book smart.The thing to remember is that one does not negate the other.Roy H. Williams

When it is time to write an ad, and there is no felt need in the heart of the customer to which you can speak, make a paper cigar.Teddy Roosevelt was a man of improvisation. He knew his paper cigars. This allowed him to explain the process of making them in the fewest possible words: “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”The slow weeks before and after peak season are called the shoulder season.  People who can create ads that bring in business during the shoulder season are people you want on your team.Winter is peak season for heating. Summer is peak season for air conditioning. But how does an HVAC company keep its employees paid during the shoulder season, those weeks of mild weather in between?“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”Funny, isn’t it? Teddy gave us the answer before air conditioning was even invented.1Every HVAC company knows the answer to the shoulder season is to convince the public of the importance of routine maintenance. But that’s kind of like trying to convince people to shop early for Christmas. Everyone knows it’s a smart thing to do, but few people actually do it. As a result of our procrastination, we wait in long lines, choose from a picked-over selection and pay higher prices because we delayed our shopping – one day at a time – until December twenty-second and then flew into a blind panic.Air conditioning maintenance is like that. We delay it until the unit breaks down.When you need to sell a product or a service, and no one is feeling the need for that service, it’s time to make a paper cigar. But don’t rely on logic. Logic speaks to the mind of the customer. You’ve got to win the heart. And that takes wit and charm.Here is a hugely successful TV ad for the shoulder season that was produced by Casey Welch and Korey McDonald. 2SCENE ONETECH 1: Mr. Jenkins told me…TECH 2: When it starts getting warmer and you’re thinking about turning on that Air ConditionerTECH 3: [waving her palms in comic alarm] Don’t Do It! TECH 4: [wagging his finger sternly] Don’t Do It! SCENE TWOTECH 2:   A/C compressors get dried out during the winterTECH 1:  and they need to be brought into serviceTECH 2: [with palms held downward, he slowly lowers them to illustrate “gently”] gennnntly.SCENE THREECSR 1: For just 89 dollars, a Morris-Jenkins technician will wash the outside unit and bring it into service TECH 2: [palms downward, he slowly lowers them]  gennnntly.SCENE FOURTECH 1: And we promise NOT to disrupt your household.DEWEY:  We come and go [palms downward, he slowly lowers them] gennnntly.©Here’s an even-more-successful ad Casey and Korey produced the following year.SCENE ONE DEWEY: [takes a long step backward with one foot, and with a sweep of his arm reveals Techs standing behind him as he says] It’s that time again!TECHS: [Music begins playing. Technicians begin dancing.] It’s time for us to come-and-go gently, gently.It’s time for us to come-and-go gently, gently.Compressors-dry-out during wiiiiinter monthsAnd-need-to-be brought back [palms downward, they lower them] gennnntly.SCENE TWO [Working on an outside unit]TECH 1: For just 89 dollarsTECH 2: A Morris-Jenkins technician will wash your outside unitTECH 3: and bring it into serviceTECH 4: [palms downward, she slowly lowers them] gennnntly.TECH 3: [palms downward, he slowly lowers them] gennnntly.SCENE THREE DEWEY: Morris-Jenkins comes and goesALL TECHS: [singing in unison, with hand-motion] gently, gently ©When that TV ad aired in Charlotte, North Carolina, so many viewers wanted to see it again that it accumulated more than one million views on YouTube in less than 90 days.So now you’re wondering why this style of improvised entertainment is called, “Making a Paper Cigar.”When our oldest son, Rex, was in high school more than 20 years ago, he walked into class one day and realized, “Uh-oh, today is the day I’m supposed to present my term paper. What was the subject I was assigned?” He scratched his head a minute, then said, “Cuba. I’ve got to make a verbal presentation – with visual aids – on Cuba.”Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.He looked around and saw a few sheets of paper with some magic markers, so he rolled the paper into a cigar-sized cylinder, taped it, then colored it brown with a red tip. He wrote a couple of pages about sugar, cigars, and Fidel Castro, and when his name was called, strode to the front of the room with his cigar in his mouth and told the story of Cuba as Groucho Marx or W.C. Fields might have done.The teacher gave him an A+ and led the class in a round of applause.Entertainment is the only currency with which you can purchase the attention of a disinterested public.Rex made a little bronze gargoyle to hold that paper cigar and gave it to me for Father’s Day. It sits on a shelf in my office at home.Roy H. Williams

The generation of male Okies to which I belong has the inexplicable tradition of mercilessly teasing their friends. It’s a dumb tradition, I know, but these are the rules:We tease only our closest friends. To say to strangers the sorts of things that we say to our friends would be to invite a fistfight.The more outrageous and unfounded the accusation, the funnier it is.We never tease by saying things that could possibly be perceived as the truth. In other words, if you believe what you are saying might contain a grain of truth – even a tiny bit – you are no longer being funny; you’re being a bully and a jerk.My friend Ken owns a big plumbing company in another state. So when he sent me a cell phone video of his new $7,000 toilet, I began to pound on him relentlessly about what that toilet said about him as a man. That high-tech toilet became the fulcrum of a playground teeter-totter onto which I could jump when he least expected it and send him flying topsy-turvy into the air.There’s just nowhere to hide when your friends can ask you about your fancy toilet at the most unexpected moments and in the most unexpected ways.One day there was a knock at the door. “Are you Roy Williams?”“Yes,”“Sign here.”Uh-oh. Ken had sent me a fancy toilet of my own. Before I could hide it, Pennie saw it and liked it. “But it’s way too nice for this house,” she said.“Are you saying this house isn’t worthy of a toilet like that?”She looked at me and nodded. “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”Friends, you just can’t imagine the kinds of upgrades that are required when you have been gifted a fancy toilet.I was reminded of the story of an ancient King of Siam who would give white elephants as a passive-aggressive gift to anyone who displeased him. White elephants are rare and were considered sacred in Siam, so people were required to treat them with special care and feed them expensive food and never use them for work. The gift of a white elephant imposed a huge financial burden on the person who received one and of course you could never sell the elephant, lest you appear ungrateful.Yep, what I had me here was a white elephant.I’ve never ridden the elephant because, frankly, it frightens me.I always explain to guests who want to ride my white elephant that they must approach it with reverence when they journey to present themselves before it. The elephant will then kneel to allow them aboard as the music of angels wafts through the room and a strange light begins to glow.I promise I’m not making any of this up.My friend Manley Miller once stayed up all night playing with the remote so that he could learn all of the elephant’s tricks. When Manley told Pennie and I about his escapades with the elephant the next morning, I realized that my friend Ken had beat me at my own game.Evidently, Ken grew up in a state where young boys know how to jump on the teeter-totter, too.Roy H. Williams