The SelfWork Podcast

Radical acceptance is a termed that describes a way of being - acknowledging the reality of what is happening rather than fighting it emotionally and thus, causing yourself, and perhaps even others, more suffering. I very much like a Carl Rogers quote that Tara Brach, author of the 2003 best-seller, Radical Acceptance, used in her book; “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Radical acceptance takes that idea even further – that accepting what happens in your life also brings a much greater ability to cope rationally with it. The listener email is from a therapist who’s dating someone who sounds severely depressed. And she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll see if I can come up with a couple of ideas for her – and all you “helpers” (and I’m one of them) get helped yourself. And this episode is once again sponsored by BetterHelp! Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Blog post about empty nest called Separate Houses Article by Margarita Tartaskovsky in Psych Central. Excerpt from Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’ll be focusing on anger in relationships.  I've seen anger completely mismanaged and it can sabotage what started out as a relationship with much potential. We'll discuss some basic characteristics of anger that are vital to know, as well as a specific dialectical behavioral technique called DEARMAN - which is an effective way of remembering and practicing how to communicate with others about your anger, disappointment or frustration. Our listener email today is from someone who heard my interview with Chris Do on YouTube. She asks what to do when she’s getting a divorce and how to handle a sense of isolation and lack of money. These are practical problems so many people have – and it can seem as if there’s no way to help yourself. But you can look for what you have control over. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Blog Post on anger Explanation of the DEARMAN technique More specific examples of DBT and D-E-A-R-M-A-N Book by Spradlin on DBT and its effectiveness You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today's topic was weirdly and almost synergistically created. As I was researching emotional expression, two quite different sources led me to the work of Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett. I'll share her and Dr. Tim Lomas' work with you today, as we discover an entirely new way of thinking about how emotions are created. And maybe just why someone who's learned to "suck it up" struggles to even feel painful emotion at all. The listener email today was created due to my sticking my foot in my mouth and saying something that was incorrect and potentially hurtful.  A listener. who’s also a therapist and has shared this podcast with several of her clients, was very disappointed in me for something I said in the most recent podcast. And she was absolutely right. So I want to set the record straight. I’ve already apologized to her privately, but I wanted to correct and publicly address my overly hasty words. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! A BBC article: by Dr. Tim Lomas And a quote from him: “In our stream of consciousness – that wash of different sensations feelings and emotions – there’s so much to process that a lot passes us by,” Lomas says. “The feelings we have learned to recognise and label are the ones we notice – but there’s a lot more that we may not be aware of. And so I think if we are given these new words, they can help us articulate whole areas of experience we’ve only dimly noticed.” Article by Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett https://www.wired.co.uk/article/lisa-feldman-barrett-emotions And a quote from her:  "If you think about it from a brain's standpoint, it's trapped in a dark, silent box called your skull, and has no access to the causes of the sensations it receives. It only has the effects, and it has to figure out what caused them. So how does it do this? There’s one other thing it can use, and that’s past experience. The idea is that your brain is constantly predicting what sensory inputs to expect and what action to take, based on past experience. Then it uses the incoming input to either confirm its prediction, or change it. It works this way for vision, hearing, taste—for every sense. I think the way emotions are made is not special: your brain makes an emotion by using prior experiences of emotion to predict and explain incoming sensory inputs, and guide action." Link to a Feelings Wheel You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I had a patient say to me the other day, not in a complaining way, but sort of in a “can’t believe it” kind of way – “I’ve been in therapy with you now for a year. I thought I’d be here for maybe a couple of months.” I want to share a bit of his story as well as others who’ve used therapy not to simply make immediate changes in the direction they’ve wanted or needed - but to make lasting change. Change that sticks. There are certainly problems like eating disorders, complex trauma and chronic conditions that take patience and time. And you may need to stay in therapy for quite a while in order to risk very difficult changes. But often, therapy is more solution-focused. So today, in this episode of SelfWork sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to focus in on what makes change stick. Our listener email for today is from someone who says both he and his partner identify with PHD.. So what should they do? I have some ideas... Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Article by Dr. Sean Young in Psychology Today on Neurohacking An article in Good Therapy on brain spotting and EMDR You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

John Moe first got my attention when I became a podcaster and listened to his very popular podcast The Hilarious World of Depression. What makes him unique and truly loved by his listeners is his transparency about his own depression and his very wry sense of humor. After making a living as a comic, a writer and then an NPR broadcaster,   he faced his own severe depression. As he interviewed comedians and celebrities for the podcast, he began to see similar behavior patterns and coping mechanisms in his conversations. He saw that there was tremendous comfort and community in talking about these experiences, (including his own suicidal thoughts and the actual suicide of his older brother Rick), and that humor had a unique power. He's now written a new book by the same name. I found him a very smart, but modest and thoughtful person who was more than willing to be interviewed by me – not the most accomplished of interviewers as this was the first one I’ve done in literally years. So, I was honored that he wanted to a part of SelfWork. The episode is about twice as long as most SelfWork episodes; but I think you’ll find that the time flies by. He’s a warm and fascinating guy, whose lived a lot of life, and wants to share what he’s learned. As a therapist, I wanted to know more about his depression, rather than about the podcast. And my questions reflect that. If you’ve ever been depressed, lived through a complex family life, even wondered if your depression might’ve been handed down to you within your family – what’s termed transgenerational trauma - this is the episode for you. Come laugh. Come learn. And come join me and John Moe for a conversation about learning to live with and manage chronic depression. . Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! The Hilarious World of Depression on Amazon You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Round Two is coming your way! I had both many women and men attend the Part One of this free workshop on July 30th and their questions were both poignant and intriguing. Part One explained the potential dangers of perfectionism and what exactly perfectly hidden depression is and why it occurs. If you missed Part One, no problem! You can watch it at my website: https://drmargaretrutherford.com/workshop.  Now in Part Two, we'll talk about working and creating new strategies to handle this need and how to become someone who can accept yourself for both your strengths and your vulnerabilities. We'll cover the five stages of healing covered in my book as well as give a sampling of exercises from the book.  The difference between my work on perfectionism and other workbooks is I talk about "why." Knowing the why you needed to look as if your life was perfect can lead you to a true change in your outlook and entire life. I hope you'll join me! August 13th, 6:00 EST. You can go to EventBrite to register or to my website: https://drmargaretrutherford.com/workshop. I'll see you there! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re going to talk about embarrassment. I was listening to Brené Brown's relatively new podcast called Unlocking Us and heard her use a term I didn’t know. The term was self-conscious emotions and embarrassment is one of them. In this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll cover how young you are when you can feel embarrassment, what you can learn from failure, and the positive aspects of embarrassment. You might be surprised! I’ve often said you learn a lot more from failure – and I personally have done just that. But how does it get to be something you can learn from rather than something you must avoid at all costs? Why is it that some people cannot tolerate being embarrassed and thus live extremely risk averse lives? The listener email today is from a woman who only recently revealed sexual abuse to her therapist – before not even deeming it important enough to discuss - and how those revelations are changing her for the better. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! A Time article featuring Brené Brown's answers to ten questions Dr. Michael Lewis’ research on embarrassment and child development Tyson Hartnett article on fearing failure Article in LifeScience by Remy Melina  about positive aspects embarrassment You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy( is all about discovering your mental mistakes or cognitive distortions - or as the CBT folks say, “Your stinkin thinkin". And CBT is the most recommended therapeutic method to fend off depression. It makes sense. It’s fairly easy to understand. And their premise is that if you change what you believe, then the emotions and actions that follow will be different and far healthier. So today, in this episode sponsored again by BH, we’ll talk about the ten most common mental mistakes you can make and what to do about them. The listener email for today is from a man whose addictions have created pain and severe illness. He takes responsibility but also states that his wife is stuck in believing that he’s feeling sorry for himself. He says he’s very depressed. This is a difficult situation where both sound angry and certainly not allied. What would you say to him? I’ll give it my own try.. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! An article describing David Burns' list of cognitive distortions from The Feeling Good Handbook John Grohol's Psych Central article on ten ways to "fix" those mental mistakes You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Hello everyone! Quick announcement today! I'm giving a free two-part workshop that begins this Thursday, July 30th at 6:00 CST and will continue on August 13th at the same time. It's entitled Perfectionism Meets Pandemic and is hosted by The Sisterhood for Success! It's on the benefits and potential dangers of perfectionism, how the pandemic is affecting those with perfectionistic traits, and we'll also go into why someone develops the need for a perfect-looking life and what it may look like in every day life. Many perfectionists don't think they are "perfectionists" because they never give themselves credit for how well they do!  The first workshop will be recorded and available on my website so register if you can't make it!  I hope you'll join me! All you have to do is register through clicking this this link. Hope to see you there!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

There’s a psychological dynamic called approach/avoidance and it’s when something you desire has both positive and negative implications. But the same words are used in considering relationships, where approach/avoidance (or withdrawal) can lead to a true deadlock and constantly recycle itself, with misunderstanding, grief, hurt and resentment steadily increasing. You might think of approach as being the more controlling of the two energies, especially if the approach is made in anger. But my observations have been that withdrawal is incredibly potent. So in today’s episode of SelfWork sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about that very potency and, as always, what you can do about it. The listener email for today is from a young woman who read a blog post of mine on perfectly hidden depression (and now has become a listener) and wants know how to find a therapist. This is probably in the top five of all questions I receive and I'll answer it today. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! The list of the fifteen most compelling movie "goodbyes" Article written on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – defined by Julie and John Gottman, very well-known marriage researchers. Podcast on finding and interviewing a potential therapist You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                 .  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands