The SelfWork Podcast

  This episode is my response to a review that was left on SelfWork this week. They write, “Thank you for taking the time to make this podcast. I’ve tried therapy at least five times in the last ten years for anxiety, depression and grief. I could never stick with therapy. But since discovering your podcast and binging on the episodes that resonate, I feel much more confident about taking on therapy and more modern treatments, and much more informed. “ So, on this episode of SelfWork sponsored by Athletic Greens,  we'll focus on why you might tend to quit therapy – or at least the reasons you give.  And my recommendation is to think through the "why" of your desire to leave the relationship. This issue may be more complicated than first thought. Tied in with that, what are the roles therapists can play? Or what are the different structures for therapy? If you know these roles, you’ll walk into the relationship realizing all it could be – and make sure you and your therapist are headed in the direction that you understand and believe could be helpful. The listener email is short and sweet.. and has to do with getting over “hard feelings.” I appreciated this question in its simplicity. Hard feelings are something that can stick around for a. long time and cause the feeler of them much more harm that whoever they’re toward. Or whatever they’re about. So, I can’t wait to dig into that one. Important Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription! And join me for a real chat - you and me talking! Click here and request permission to access Fireside! A wonderful article by Ms. Griffith and Good Therapy on five reasons for quitting therapy. I used this article as part of the scaffolding for my own comments and it's a great article. You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can orderhere! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

When I was a kid, I went to a Presbyterian church every Sunday and grew up there. Sunday School, church, youth group – the whole program. That’s not the subject for this episode, however. The topic today is self-forgiveness. Why did I bring up my church memories? Because I was very thoughtful about the whole thing, and remember asking my mother this question: “How can I hear me knocking on God’s door?” This innocent question was based on the scripture, “Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door will be opened to you.”  I was curious about just how I was going to know that door was opening if I couldn’t even hear myself knock. I now realize our own beliefs are found in our inner mind and heart – we “know” them, but they aren’t concrete. We “hear” them inside our own thoughts and feelings. We feel and know love. We feel and know sorrow. And we feel and know or recognize self-forgiveness. It happens inwardly. You can’t see it – but you can sure feel it. So in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll talk about how to get to self-forgiveness and seven things that might make that harder. Our listener email is from someone who’s very depressed and estranged from her family. She asks me what she can do… What would you say? Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! A well-written article from VeryWellMind on the four steps toward self-forgiveness A new exciting way to interact with me on Fireside! Let's get talking! Just click here! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Every day I receive a bunch of emails from publicists, publishing houses, or teachers on every subject you could think of to suggest either themselves or their client to be a guest on SelfWork. It's a flattering problems to have. But some are very unique, like this one from LinkedIn's Scott Shute. "Hi Dr. Margaret, I hope this finds you in the middle of a smile." That got my attention. Scott has had a diverse career, but now leads LinkedIn's Mindfulness and Compassion Programs, which he describes as a rare and growing field. I was very curious! His book, The Full Body Yes, was just released in May of 2021 and I enjoyed his very story-driven style, often using his own life as an example of what and what not to do. He focuses on building compassion in the workplace, and as always, we talk about what you can do about it in your own work environment. Scott would say that "it starts with you" - that you don't have to have any programs to learn how to build your own real sense of compassion. So I’m delighted today to introduce you to Scott Shute on this 246th episode of SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens. Important Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription! The Full Body Yes on Amazon by Scott Shute You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can orderhere! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Sometimes I receive an email that tears at my heartstrings. And this week was one of those times. I’ll read you the email – the heads up is that it’s about a sudden and totally unexpected suicide that led its writer to reach out to me about perfectly hidden depression with the question – Can someone hide depression, even suicidal thinking, from themselves? I’ll give my unequivocal answer. Our listener voicemail also mentions perfectly hidden depression, but is basically a question about what my thoughts are about when to go consider medication for depression. I’m not a prescriber nor a psychiatrist so I can only offer general thoughts on this topic as a psychologist, but I can address it. I’m so thankful to so many of you for leaving reviews on Apple Podcasts – the last one said, “ This woman has changed my entire life! I didn’t even realize how traumatized I was or that I even needed therapy before this podcast. Nevertheless, my friend suggested that I listen and since then I have a consistent relationship with my therapist through BetterHelp.com, learned to building constructive boundaries, and working on my relationship with my parents! I love the space she’s created in helping us to understand larger context while providing relevant examples!! I love it here!!! So thank you so much for those kind words, and we’ll hear once again today about an offer from BetterHelp! Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! 2019 Suicide Statistics NAMI's Five Major Myths About Suicide My Psychology Today article discussing how therapists can "see" through the armor of perfectionism You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my websiteand receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                      Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we're going to focus on why we lie to each other, to ourselves and even in therapy. We'll touch on severe manipulative lying, called pathological lying, and compulsive lying, but most of the episode we'll discuss plain old lying. I found two wonderful articles on the subject and their links are below. Hopefully understanding the "why" might help you realize that there are other things you could do... and I, as always, suggest what you can do about it. The listener voicemail for today is from someone who read my blogpost on enmeshment and is looking for some answers. Those of who had cruel or neglectful parents might not at all understand at this man’s plight, He was loved too much??? But whether or not the boundaries of parenting were nonexistent because you got manipulated through abuse, or whether they were nonexistent because you weren’t allowed or supported in building a life away from a parent, the damage can exist either way. So, in this episode sponsored by Athletic Greens, let’s look at lying and what its function may be – even in therapy. Important Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription! Time Magazine's article on the functions of lying Article by Dr. Robyn Koslowitz in Psychology Today on lying in therapy You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

On today's You Get the Gist, I’m wanting to make a couple of points that may or may not have occurred to you while you heard about or you were watching Simone Biles’ journey at the Olympics. First, I wondered what your first thought might’ve been when you heard Ms. Biles had initially opted out. And we fairly quickly learned it was because of her concerns about her focus – basically her impaired state of mental health – and how that might work to harm her physically. Or as she said to her team, “I don’t want to ruin your chances of winning…” with a less than stellar performance. And second, did you put yourself in her shoes? Could you disappoint your boss, or your family, or your kids – due to your own concerns about your mental health? How many times have you done things that you realized on a core level might harm you, but you went ahead and did it? Would there be a limit to that? What would the boundary be for you to say, “No, I can’t.” There’s a lot you can learn from your own reactions… so I’m here today simply asking a few questions of you – the answers are yours to be privately considered – and maybe changed if need be. Important Links: The Weight of Gold Official Trailer Story of Brett Cohen's Prank on Celebrity You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

This week was very hard  as one of my close family members died suddenly. I didn’t know if I’d have the energy or even the ability to do a podcast. So, I looked for one that I might add on to - maybe about grief. And I found this podcast from a year and a half ago that fit. I'll focus first on what I've learned from many who are mourning about what can be a very difficult aspect of grief and somehow you can feel ashamed - of how you watch others' lives go on normally. And yours has changed so drastically. It's lonely. But we'll also talk about three things you can do to reach out in a meaningful and difference-making way to those who are grieving. The listener voicemail today is from someone who’s in a relationship where finances are a source of conflict between them – and I’ve heard this problem quite a bit – and have learned to try to remember always to ask about financial arrangements in a partnership. Perhaps many of you have also had difficulty around the issue of money and fairness and trust – so hope it’ll be helpful to you. So in this episode of SelfWork, sponsored again by BetterHelp, I hope both my experience as a therapist can help you, whether you're mourning, or watching someone you care about grieve. We'll all be in those situations and you can make a difference. BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!          Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Do you or someone you know apologize all the time? This can stem from several dynamics – if you’re in an abusive relationship currently or there was trauma in your childhood where you’ve grown up believing that the fault when relationships or events go sour is somehow all yours. There’s also the presence of anxiety or more specifically OCD, or what’s termed “the spotlight effect”. We’ll talk about all of these and more. So we’ll talk about how to catch yourself from that unnecessary “I’m sorry” and change it into something that notices when things aren’t quite right, but doesn’t indicate a one-down position. The listener voicemails for today share two distinct ways of thinking about aging. I wrote a post called “Turning 58” years ago now – and both of them had strong reactions. The fact that they both were sent to me in a short period of time was ironic – and it would be easy to label one “Good” and the other one “bad.” I’d like us to listen instead with compassion and see what could help both. So welcome to this episode of SelfWork sponsored by BetterHelp – and let’s talk about over-apologizing and as always, what to do about it. Importnat Links: The spotlight effect research described. Beverly Engel's book The Power of an Apology, Therapist Sharon Martin's take on how to stop apologizing . The Swaddle's take about where the power of apologizing lies... and why some apologize and others don't. Forbes article on how over-apologizing can steal your self-confidence. My blogpost on Turning 58. BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click hereand answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                              Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

For today's YGTG, or "You Get the Gist", I was pondering what a patient of mine said the other day. He had to struggle a bit with the idea that therapy – for him – felt a little self-indulgent. He followed quickly up by saying, “I know it’s because I rarely if ever focus on myself. And it feels a little odd doing it. But it’s also not an easy thing to do. And most self-indulgences are that… easy things. Things that offer comfort. This definitely isn’t easy.” What follows is a story about having a rock in your shoe - which I hope can stand as a metaphor for those who may not come into therapy for severe trauma or grief, depression or anxiety - but who can benefit greatly from realizing that dealing with something apparently "small" may have remarkable results. You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

The Hidden Opponent is the name of D1 College Athlete Victoria Garrick's TedTalk. And it's powerful. Who is she? She's a former Division I Volleyball Player, TED Talk Speaker and has now become a social media Influencer, and mental health advocate. Those are the facts about Victoria Garrick. She’s young, she’s incredibly energetic and passionate. She’s highly competitive. And she’s struggled with depression as well as a binge eating disorder, the latter of which she’s only now started opening up about. After graduating from the University of Southern California in 2019, Victoria has traveled the country speaking on college campuses, hosts her hit podcast Real Pod, and creates daily content for her army of over 1.5M+ people who follow her message of authenticity and self-care on social media. I know that those of you who are in college or recently out will be fascinated with her and parents whose kids are into sports also need to listen – as she opens up about how the competitiveness of sports and winning can, often unintentionally , work to create feelings of wanting it all to end . She’s also created a non-profit called “The Hidden Opponent” and is marshalling and creating support organizations for college athletes who need a place for their mental health struggles to be understood and accepted. The pressure can be immense as she explains in our interview. How coaches and teammates perceive mental health struggles can be a problem, how parents can be trying to understand but how there can be so much room for miscommunication. So in this SelfWork episode, sponsored again by Athletic Greens, she opens her heart and her experience to all who will listen. I'll hope you join us. Important Links: Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens with bonus product with your subscription! Victoria's website and Real Pod podcast Victoria's Ted Talk The Hidden Opponent The Hidden Opponent Non-Profit Group You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to Dr. Margaret’s podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to this website and receive her weekly blog posts and podcasts! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available! And you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!            Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands