The SelfWork Podcast

I get a lot of questions about therapy - how to find a therapist, how to know if therapy is working. One of the most common questions is, “How do I open up?” But here was another and different kind of comment last week.  “Things I was only vaguely aware of, or knew, but was able to keep locked away from myself - have decided to pick the lock.” So, sometimes opening up can be a slow process while at other times, painful emotions and memories can come bursting out when triggered. So, in this episode of  SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we're going to focus on five things to be aware of that can lead you to feel as emotionally safe as possible with your therapist. The listener voicemail is only five seconds long… but her question is heartbreaking. I’m not sure I have answers… but I definitely want to extend comfort and reassurance. So, let’s talk about how you build safety into beginning to open up about things that – at least initially – don’t feel safe at all. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Psychology Today article by Dr. Margaret on when you have conflict with your therapist... You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Perhaps the most poignant messages I receive are the ones from people who love someone who's becoming less and less “like’ themselves – and are frightened about what’s going on. This week I heard from a wife whose husband..."has always had an excuse for his extremely busy schedule. Over the past several months he has been acting very differently and has been more open about his unhappiness, and will admit to being depressed. He is also very confused. I came upon your podcast and book as I was searching... We started couples therapy... but he'll say things like" I don't think this is what's really wrong", or "She's focusing on why I'm smiling during the session, when really the problem is that I'm unhappy". So in today's SelfWork, sponsored by Athletic Greens, we'll focus on burnout and its relationship with perfectionism - and how both can lead to true classic depression. The listener email today is also someone asking about PHD – but this time, about her own potential for it as someone with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). She'd worked through her pandemic anxiety with therapy and medications, but now, off medications, this listener is experiencing new feelings of anger and irritability. What could be happening? Important Links: Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! Definition of burnout Slides of burnout symptoms The twelve stages of burnout SelfWork Podcast on Self-Compassion What is generalized anxiety disorder: The article by The Mayo Clinic 148 on conditional love You can hear more of many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I want to eagerly and deeply thank HealthLine for naming The SelfWork Podcast the "Best Overall Podcast for Depression!" Wow!! Thank you to my team and to you, the listeners! Talk about not being able to "do it without you"? We truly can't! So my gratitude to each and every listener... Today I'm going to catch you up on what I'm continuing to learn about perfectionism. And  I’ll share my new understanding of what makes PHD-perfectionism different from others. It's trauma-based or trauma-induced. I"ll also explain how the mind actually disposes (or seems to dispose) of the memory of an experience and the feelings it initially created – the processes of suppression and repression are fascinating to learn about! I wrote a post about my reaction to this week's voicemail in Psychology Today - you might want to read it yourself and its in the links section below.  I know that therapists are people too… but I want you – my SelfWork listeners – to be prepared for how to handle things if your therapist disappoints or hurts or even angers you! So in this episode, sponsored by BetterHelp, who's again here with a great offer for you, we'll talk about compartmentalization and trauma-based perfectionism. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Psychology Today article by Dr. Margaret on when you have conflict with your therapist... You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

On this YGTG for this week, please know that we offer a trigger warning; I'm going to talk about the recent suicide of Cheslie Kryst. On the 30th of January, a young woman threw herself off the balcony of a New York high rise and died. She was Cheslie Kryst, who'd made history as the oldest Miss USA at the age of 28. She was highly successful, extremely driven, and desperately afraid of getting older as if when she turned 30, her time for accomplishment would disappear. People who were trying to cope with her death said, "Don't forget to check on the strong people." That's a great first step. But there's another, even more important step. First, be vulnerable yourself. Invite those strong people to do the same. And do it more than once. Do it often. And maybe, just maybe, one day they’ll say, “You know, I’m actually terrified to let anyone know what goes on in my head.” Check on strong people. Yes. But help them – and the world – begin redefining what “strong” is. You begin defining what strong is. That’s what will help the Cheslie’s of the world. I offer my compassion to all who knew and loved her.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we're going to talk about the fairly sticky subject of the difference between expectations, demand, and setting boundaries.  What do you do when you feel disappointed by others? Do you isolate or judge?  Do you get mad or sulk? Could it be that your very expectations are the problem? Is it different to voice your expectations than it is to secretly have them?  Or is that playing a game that the other person doesn’t know you’re playing? And how do boundaries fit in here? We'll ask lots of questions and hopefully reach some answers today on SelfWork. The listener email for today is from a young 21 year-old who feels tremendous loyalty to her family and feels “needed” by them. But she also feels very stuck and admits she can hold onto a victim mentality. She’s dealing with enmeshment it sounds like.. and She’s asking how she can take baby steps to start living more independently… Wonderful question and I’ll do my best to give her some ideas. What would you say? So, in this episode sponsored by the fantastic Athletic Greens, please, sit back and relax… let’s focus on expectations, demands, and boundaries. Important Links: Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! Episode 168 on setting boundaries Episode 148 on conditional love You can hear more relationship advice and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

We have a huge treat for you today, and her name is Kimberly Quinlan. She specializes in anxiety disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, and body focused, repetitive behaviors.. She also provides one-on-one treatment, and offers free online courses at the school she founded, The CBT School. . And I really recommend that any of you who struggle listen to her podcast, Your Anxiety Toolkit. But today, I'm interviewing her about her new book, The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD: Lean Into Your Fear, Manage Difficult Emotions and Focus on Recovery. I read it cover to cover, and have already recommended it to a client of my own who struggles with OCD. I know you'll love how Kimberly approaches treatment,  She stresses that self-compassion is vital due to the frequent presence of intense self-loathing in OCD. So in this episode, once again sponsored by the great folks at BetterHelp, let's hear the wisdom of Kimberley Quinlan. BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! And there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’m so delighted to be back with you in 2022! Happy New Year to all of you as we continue to work for you here on the podcast! We are growing by leaps and bounds so a huge thank you to all of you who’ve been sharing and telling your friends about your experience. Please subscribe wherever you listen and my immense gratitude to any of you who’ve left a review or rating! That lets people know we’re still pumping it out and giving SelfWork listeners what you want and need and enjoy! And I’d welcome more questions! You can use the Speakpipe app in the show notes below or email me: askdrmargaret@drmargaretrutherford.com. This listener left a written review: “I do love listening to this podcast because it helps me feel more “normal” in my depression, anxiety, trauma. I’m 41 years old and I recognize that something is not right with me , but I bottle it up and shove it away! Thanks for sharing your experiences and help!” So today, we’re going to focus on learning how to soothe yourself - and not to bottle it up and shove it away. The listener email asks for some perspective or support about boundaries or walls in relationships – and that’s when an apology – even a sincere one – isn’t accepted. It can be heart-breaking but I’ll offer some ideas of what she can choose to try. So,in this first fresh episode of SelfWork in 2022, sponsored by AG1 or Athletic Greens (which was basically my first act of self-care on the very first day of 2022), we’re talking about self-soothing. Important Links: SelfWork Episode 227 on "Bad stuffing versus good stuffing"/ Comparmentalization Article on repression and suppression If you want to listen to the full orchestral piece, Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber, here's the link. Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! Podcast on handling narcissism in relationships Podcast on loving someone with borderlinepersonality disorder You can hear more relationship advice and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And here's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Here's our last Second Time Around until we're back in the saddle in a few days! And we're so looking forward to what's ahead in 2022! What's a trauma bond? How does it form? Why is it important for that dynamic to have its own label or name? Trauma bonding happens when trust is highly manipulated; when commitment and trying to make a relationship work is used against someone as a way to keep them in denial or disbelief that a relationship is harmful to them. I’ve been there. I still have never revealed all that happened in that relationship; so much of it is now such clear abuse, I’m flabbergasted I didn’t see it for what it was. But I didn’t. Until I did. Our listener email for today is from someone who wants some answers about enmeshment and what she terms “covert narcissism” – It sounds like she’s the daughter and feels enmeshed or has been told perhaps she’s enmeshed with him. It’s very much like our topic so I thought it meshed well with the topic. So please get comfortable and listen in to what may be a triggering episode for some of you - so listen carefully and protectively. And my gratitude to our sponsor today - BetterHelp! Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! John Kim, aka The Angry Therapist provides an article on trauma bonding A BBC article on Stockholm syndrome An  article in VeryWellMind.discusses features of covert narcissism Wikipedia article on trauma bonds You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Hello and welcome again to SelfWork! We've got one more week until we're back live!  But I've chosen some of the most popular episodes to listen to a second time around! And of course, today's episode is one very close to my heart. What’s the difference, or is there one, between Perfectly Hidden Depression and what’s called high-functioning depression? I’m particularly motivated – in fact very sadly motivated – to talk about it because of an email I received this week from a woman whose husband killed himself. He was in his early 40’s. And no one could believe it. He had a perfect-looking life. Children he loved, a career he felt excited about, friends and family that loved him. Yet he couldn’t communicate his darker emotions, emotions that would lead him to suicide. We’ll talk about the difference – and why that difference matters. In fact, why that difference has to be understood. The listener email will feature the woman who wrote me about the sudden suicide of her husband, and I’ll answer her questions concerning where to go from where she is. But before continuing, let's hear from our wonderful sponsor, Athletic Greens and learn about their very special offer to SelfWork listeners! Important Links: Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! Articles on high-functioning depression: Author and food writer David “Avocado” Wolfe Millennial free lance writer Shin Hye on The Huffington Post Counselor Annie Wright on The Mighty. You can hear more about mental health and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Starting off in a new year, knowing it'll be filled with both challenge and celebration, it helps to think you have a solid partnership in your life. But if you have conflict or estrangement or alienation within your relationship, facing a new year can be more than daunting and certainly very lonely. Today we’re going to focus on what can cause these kinds of problems. But as usual, we’re also focusing on “what you can do about it.” I’ll use a couples therapy case from my own practice that shows that even though a problem may seem insurmountable, and like the relationship is over, there are four attitudes and actions that can help you find your way back to each other – and even to love. Our listener email today is a very poignant one from a young man whose relationship with his mom was rocky due to her being abusive. But now she’s died of a second bout with cancer. And he finds himself pushing away others who love him, except for his two year-old child. He wants to understand his actions, and I’ll do my best to answer his question. But before going further, let's hear from a great SelfWork sponsor - Athletic Greens who has a great offer for you - as well as bonus product! (I use this every day and it's great!) Important Links: Here's the link once again to my new interactive podcast on Fireside Chat! Click here!  Click Here for the fabulous offer from Athletic Greens - now AG1 - with bonus product with your subscription! Podcast on handling narcissism in relationships Podcast on loving someone with borderlinepersonality disorder You can hear more relationship advice and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then clickhere and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands