Narcissism Recovery Podcast

- Perfectionism is a fallacy in logic. It concludes that if all flaws are removed and perfection attained then the inner chaos and pain will subside. - It serves as a soothing agent for inner perceived flaws and shame. When perfection is gained it never lasts long creating a lifelong persuit. - Stems from childhood where parents lacked attunement and awareness of child’s developmental stages and therefore did not properly set bar for attaining achievement. - With narcissistic parents, they are aware that the child needs unconditional love on a visceral level. By not giving them this love and forcing them to earn it, child strives for unnataible goals and impossible expectations to run from feeling inqduquet and incapable since couldn’t reach goals. This created a “carrot on the stick” effect where the child chases something that is unntaible causing extreme humiliation and shame. - Perfectionism serves to mask this shame and delude the individual into striving tirelessly for perfect body, success, speech, looks etc all to avoid inner shame and reality. - False self is predicated on perfection. Once you are creating a false self you can make it as you wish. No limits to how perfect it is since after all it is a lie. - Narcissistic abusers can not handle the truth so the false self serves to avoid it and enter in to alternate and fantasy like reality. Anything that reveals the truth or hints to it must be discarded and destroyed. - Victims of narcissistic abuse are usually walking on eggshells of this idealized false and perfect self in order to reflect back to their abuser that this false self in valid helping the narcissist stay on the denial state.

Narcissistic parents cannot love their children because they do not love themselves. Children of narcissist will see this lack of love as an indication that they are unlovable. They will scapegoat flaws and differences as cause not realizing that the true cause is the lack of love. Extreme shame specifically around sexuality begins to make one feel inadequate as their specific gender. In “Trauma and it’s effect on Sexual identity” I discuss how the sexual self is not able to develop due to insufficient relationship blueprint and mirroring of healthy sexuality. Partners in adulthood are going to most usually trigger this shamed sexuality and underdeveloped sexual self creating a distortion that all men if your a woman or all woman if your a man are evil, bad, the enemy you name it. This creates an impossible double bind where the individual is attracted to the opposite sex but also abhored by the shame their partner makes them feel. Because communication of the cause never happens (this would take rigorous self reflection and healing of sexual identity) frustration, hate and anger is projected on to the sexuality of their partner or of the opposite sex in general. For narcissistic abusers, sex becomes a conquest. No vulnerability. Just a winner and a lose with the winner taking control. Sex becomes a proxy for dominance which is a way of protecting from inner sexual shame, body shame, performance shame etc. It all comes back to shame and the underdeveloped self. This makes one feel small, humiliated, worthless and never good enough for the opposite sex leading to the hate and rage towards them. Parents who don’t reflect and mirror back to the child a sexual self will cause this damage which will wreak havoc on adult intimate lives. To solve, one must heal one’s perceptions of sex, one’s sexual identity, and woman/ men. Heal the self and resolve the shame around this subject and learn to live one’s diffences, perceived flaws and sexual difference without self destructing and shaming oneself.

In order to heal after abuse it is vital that one takes responsibility for the wounds, Personality flaws, brokenness and inner dysfunction as without doing so it will lead to chaos in personal relationship with self and others. Self reflection includes facing one’s shame and guilt as well as developmental traumas that are not healed.

When a child is traumatized they will have extreme emotional reaction. These reactions become overwhelming and will create a distortion of the child’s reality. The Amygdala, the emotional brain, will be on overdrive and since children identify with their emotions they will believe that these feelings are the basis of their reality. This distorted the cognitions of the child making it difficult to see reality from a lens that is accurate and healthy.

Smothering happens when a person is controlled, manipulated, or abused most commonly found in victims of narcissistic abuse. Because of its subtle nature of this abuse it may be difficult to identify that it is abuse. It is imperative to heal this wound as with our doing so it can cause unhealthy, codependent and enmeshing dysfunctional relationships later on life.

Narcissistic abuse is often difficult to identify but when does there will an initial shock. This shock will be followed by stages of grief that mirror a death. In reality, coming out of a narcissistically abusive relationship is similar to a death. The loss of one’s innocence, love, time, dreams, and opportunities will need to be grieved properly in order to heal and create a healthier future.

Children will learn in childhood how to see themselves and relate to themselves and others based on how they were treated and perceived by primary caregivers. This becomes a program and an operating system which is the blueprint for how the individual will operate in adulthood effecting virtually every aspect of their lives. If the programming is faulty or abusive then it will lead to breakdowns , self sabotage and potentially abuse. In order to correct a faulty programming it is important to face one’s inner landscape of beliefs, emotions, and thoughts in order to challenge the lies and shift into a healthier and more sustainable way of operating.

When a person is aligned with their authentic self they are at peace. Most mental disease stems from being out of alignment. This is usually because of pressures from parents, family, and society to adopt a false version of themselves in order to fit it and survive. In order to align one must face their painful tiers that they have been avoiding which may include severe abuse that happened at the hands of those trusted in early childhood.

Breakdowns in life which include lost jobs, broken relationships and feeling isolated are all potential opportunities to break through into a higher level of awareness and self love. Victims of sever abuse will often have their faulty childhood programming fall apart feeling out of control and at a loss. When this happens it is an opportunity to awaken to one’s true essence and higher purpose otherwise known as a spiritual awakening.

Narcissistic mothers are extremely smothering. With a weak dad, the son of these mothers will come to enmesh and rely on their mother even into adulthood. With no ability to develop a healthy ego and a sense of self, the suffering male will look for female partners who are similar to their mother and look to take revenge on their female partners for what their mother did to them. To heal from this type of enmeshment the individual  suffering from extreme toxic shame will need to work to separate and individuate from mom and develop a healthy and assertive sense of self.