The Power of Empowered Refusal and Identity in Saying No

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The empowered refusal is a way of saying no that stems from your identity. By communicating your refusal using words that implicate your identity, such as 'I don't', 'I never', 'I always', or 'It is my policy to', you come across as more empowered and persuasive. In contrast, using words like 'I can't', 'I shouldn't', or 'I wish I could' communicates a sense of disempowerment and lack of control. By speaking from your identity, you establish a stable stance and are able to say no without inviting pushback.

When someone asks us to do something we don’t want to do, we often say yes even though we want to say no, because we think that saying no will feel terrible. But my guest, Dr. Vanessa Patrick, says the opposite is true: we actually feel great when we say no.

So why do we have such a hard time doing so?

Today on the show, Vanessa, who’s the author of The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How to Say No that Puts You in Charge of Your Life, answers that question and more. She shares how to categorize the asks you get into quadrants to determine whether you should say yes or no to them. And she explains how to give an “empowered refusal” — a no that’s phrased in a way that makes it less likely to create offense or pushback — so you can start saying no to the things that don’t matter, and spend more of your time on the things that do.