Terri Cole on What High-Functioning Codependency Is — and How to Reverse It

What an episode we have for you today, listeners. Today on the show we have the phenomenal Terri Cole, whose work about boundaries I have so resonated with in the past. She has a new book out on October 15 called Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, and it examines what we thought we knew about codependency. We have had the godmother of codependency, Melody Beattie, on the show, and Melody introduced the concept to the world. Now, in Too Much, Terri is taking the concept to the next level, introducing us to high-functioning codependency. In today’s conversation we define what high-functioning codependency, or HFC, is, what it looks like, some common behaviors exhibited by those who have it, and how those with HFC got to this place. You also might have heard this called “overfunctioning.” You’ll hear me say this many times throughout this episode, but I identify as a recovering HFC, and Terri writes that these behaviors are “highly programmed and largely unconscious.” Terri, too, is a recovering HFC, and writes in Too Much that “prioritizing the wants, needs, and outcomes of others over my own well-being was my default setting.” She talks about the moment she knew she couldn’t go on this way, and the book is a deeply personal one to her. We also talk about how we draw the line from being caring and a high-functioning codependent — and when we know, as the book’s title suggests, that it’s too much. By the way, when it comes to romantic relationships, codependents are attracted to narcissists, and the reverse is true, as well. The book talks about how we can prevent this deeply unhealthy combination. In our conversation today, we talk about the cost to a life if one doesn’t address their high-functioning codependency, and how the key to getting to the other side is boundaries. Now, Terri is an expert in boundaries; her book prior to Too Much, which I also highly recommend, is called Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. I do think it’s important to note that reversing high-functioning codependency is absolutely possible, but it isn’t a linear path or a straight line, and that those working through this should expect setbacks. You know what? People could probably live their whole lives with high-functioning codependency, but because of Terri’s book, they won’t want to, and they don’t have to. Terri Cole, MSW, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist and global relationship and empowerment expert and has been doing this work for over 25 years. She is the host of a podcast I love, “The Terri Cole Show,” and inspires over 600,000 people weekly. She has a deep gift for making complex psychological concepts actionable and accessible so that clients achieve sustainable change. This conversation with Terri meant a lot to me, and I bet it will to you, too. Take a listen.

Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency by Terri Cole

Check out Terri’s HFC Toolkit at terricole.com/hfc and visit hfcbook.com/ for more information!