Remember all that "AI is gonna change everything" nonsense the kids were screaming about just a few months ago? Yeah, about that. It turns out 95% of corporate generative AI pilots are, to use a technical term, completely shitting the bed, according to a report from MIT. This shocking revelation has sent Wall Street into a tizzy, wiping trillions off the market as investors suddenly realize they've been sold another bill of goods. Even Sam Altman, the high priest of the AI cult, is now trying to pump the brakes, warning that maybe, just maybe, everyone got a little too excited. Meta, never one to miss a bandwagon it can immediately fall off of, has slammed the brakes on its AI spending and hiring. It’s almost like we’ve seen this movie before, with NFTs, crypto, and every other tech bubble that was supposed to make us all billionaires while we sat on our couches.
As if the AI-pocalypse wasn't entertaining enough, the next brilliant idea from Silicon Valley, "agentic AI" browsers, has proven to be dumber than a bag of hammers, happily handing over banking details to obvious phishing scams. Meanwhile, in the land of aging tech bros, Elon Musk is getting his butt handed to him in court by Media Matters, proving that you can't just bully everyone into submission. Not to be outdone in the corporate greed department, Volkswagen wants you to pay a subscription to unlock the horsepower you already own, and Robinhood is trying to convince its users that betting on football games is now called "investing." We're just waiting for them to offer a strategic advisory seat to Donald Trump Jr.... oh, wait.
Just to put a fine point on our collective slide into oblivion, it turns out Antarctica is melting about six times faster than it was in the 90s, no doubt powered by the massive natural gas plants being built to run Meta's useless chatbots. But hey, at least we can distract ourselves with new toys! The Flipper Zero, that handy little hacker gadget, can now be upgraded to steal a wide variety of cars, bringing grand theft auto to the masses. So as the sea levels rise and the robots fail, at least we'll have new and exciting ways to commit felonies. Welcome to the future; it's just as dumb as we predicted.
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FOLLOW UP
Sen. Hawley says he'll investigate Meta's 'sensual' child chatbot policies
MIT report: 95% of generative AI pilots at companies are failing
Wall Street Appears to Be Having Serious Doubts About AI
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