405. Anatomy of an (almost) School Shooter | Aaron Stark
Dec 14, 2023
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In a compelling discussion, Aaron Stark, a public speaker and mental health advocate known for his striking TED Talk, shares his journey from near-tragedy to hope. He delves into the emotional scars of his tumultuous childhood, dealing with trauma and isolation. Stark emphasizes the pivotal role of genuine friendships in overcoming adversity and recounts how a significant act of kindness reshaped his path. He also reflects on the healing power of creativity and the importance of emotional support in breaking the cycle of trauma, making a heartfelt plea for mental wellness awareness.
The podcast discusses the speaker's experience growing up in a chaotic and abusive environment, highlighting the impact of deep parental trauma on their life.
The speaker's turbulent childhood led to a deep sense of worthlessness and detachment, intensifying as they grew older and engaging in self-destructive behaviors.
The speaker adopted various strategies for survival and control in their violent and chaotic environment, including establishing a low social status and deliberately making themselves unappealing.
Having a supportive friend played a crucial role in changing the speaker's perspective and saving their life, emphasizing the power of positive relationships and the importance of belonging.
Deep dives
Growing up in a chaotic and abusive environment
The podcast episode discusses the speaker's experience of growing up in a chaotic and abusive environment. From a young age, the speaker was exposed to violence, abuse, and constant instability. They were constantly on the move, trying to escape dangerous situations and living with unpredictable family dynamics. The speaker found solace in literature and music, using them as escapes from the harsh reality of their life. They also developed coping mechanisms, such as using self-deprecating humor and establishing a predictable low social status, to navigate the bullying and ridicule they faced in school.
The struggle with self-perception
The speaker shares how their turbulent childhood impacted their perception of themselves. They had a deep sense of worthlessness and felt like a bystander in their own life, detached and disconnected. They described feeling like they were living in a movie, watching their life unfold from the outside. These feelings intensified as they grew older and became more toxic, engaging in behaviors that made them unappealing and deliberately distancing themselves from others. Despite this, they found refuge in their love for literature, music, and the arts, which allowed them to escape from their painful reality.
Strategies for survival and control
As the speaker's environment became increasingly violent and chaotic, they adopted various strategies for survival and control. They learned to establish a predictable low social status to deter bullies and avoid further conflict. Additionally, they consciously made themselves unappealing through neglecting personal hygiene and making self-deprecating remarks. This control over their image and status provided a sense of agency in an otherwise uncontrollable environment. Despite the downward spiral of their family members due to addiction and abuse, the speaker managed to resist falling into the same destructive patterns.
Impacts of trauma and self-reflection
The podcast episode examines the impact of trauma on the speaker's life. They describe the ways in which their childhood experiences led to a dissociation from reality and a deep belief in their worthlessness. This trauma manifested in toxic behaviors and self-destructive tendencies as they tried to assert control over their environment. However, the speaker's self-awareness and introspection allowed them to reflect on their experiences and break free from the cycle of abuse and addiction. The episode demonstrates the power of resilience and the ability to overcome adversity.
The Importance of Supportive Friends
Having a supportive friend like Mike played a crucial role in changing the speaker's perspective and saving their life. Mike's unwavering support and belief in the speaker's worthiness challenged their self-destructive tendencies and gave them a sense of belonging and value.
Acknowledging and Letting Go of Toxic Relationships
Through a process of acknowledgment, the speaker confronted the toxic individuals in their life who had harmed them. By calmly and purposefully stating that these relationships were fundamentally changed and no longer held any love or significance, the speaker was able to free themselves from the negative influence and toxicity.
Embracing Change and Believing in Self-Worth
The speaker emphasizes the importance of embracing change and understanding that tomorrow will always bring something different. They encourage others to let go of self-hatred, to realize that past experiences and negative judgments do not define them, and to believe in their own worthiness.
Choosing a Positive Path and Breaking Generational Patterns
Despite growing up in a family with a history of dysfunction and abuse, the speaker made a conscious choice to break those patterns and provide a better life for their own children. They exemplify the power of choosing a different path, using their past experiences as lessons and motivators for positive change.
Dr. Jordan B. Peterson sits down with public speaker and mental health advocate Aaron Stark. You might recognize Aaron’s name from his deeply impactful TED Talk, “I was almost a school shooter.” They walk through his life story and discuss the all-too-real result of deep parental trauma, the psychology of abuse that shapes self loathing and self harm, the drivers that nearly pushed Aaron from victim into monster, and the real, tangible act of kindness that saved lives.
Aaron Stark was almost a school shooter. As a dark and destructive teen, Stark almost committed a terrible attack. Today he is a happy father of four, and he wants to do all he can to help anyone on that path to find a way into the light again and to see that they matter.
After watching the news coverage of the Parkland school shootings, Stark wrote an open letter, “I was almost a school shooter.” This was sent to local news 9KUSA in Denver and was the feature story on “Next with Kyle Clark.” This story gained national attention and over 17 million views in a very short time, which propelled him into a life of activism for mental wellness awareness. He has been featured on ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC and has published an article in the Washington Post. These features were followed by his viral TEDx talk, “I Was Almost a School Shooter” that currently has over 14 million views and is shown in schools, colleges, and universities, all the way up to the Dept. of Education.
