Welcome to Trixie & Katya's Le Poupée Spa, located in a gorgeously-restored halfway house in the beating heart of urine-soaked Hollywood. Forget your hideous spouse, your under-achieving children, and that rash on your inner thigh that simply won't go away, and let yourself slide into blissful relaxation with a massage that was created by six of Moldova's top massage therapists (including eight-time Eastern European Gluteus Maximus Massage of the Year champion Tatiana Svetlana Svetlaskabagoya). Afterwards, book an experimental liquid alloy surgery facial that isn't FDA-approved, but could be at some point in the future once the mysterious deaths are fully investigated. It's a wildly-invasive facial rejuvenation technique, combining state-of-the-art, semi-legal radio-wave technology with medical ingredients shipped in daily from Bulgaria. It drastically transforms skin via small doses of radiation and a thick layer of the same green slime that gave the teenage mutant ninja turtles their amazing martial arts skills. Come for one appointment at Le Poupée, and become a client for a lifetime. When you're here, you're not just a customer, you're one of the dolls.

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Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel

Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo

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