Remembering Agency within Despair (A Vision)

Doug recounts a transformative visionary experience that occurred during a family RV trip to Colorado in 2020 or 2021. In Leadville, the highest city in the country at 10,000 feet, he ran ten miles and then consumed a powerful cannabis edible—his first time using cannabis in 10-15 years. Not knowing what he was doing, he ate an entire potent gummy, then smoked more weed, which launched him into an intense three-hour experience.

The Descent into Hell

Doug describes this period as "complete and total existential despair"—a literal descent into hell within his own psyche. He was bombarded with messages of worthlessness: "Abandon all hope, for there is none. The whole of you has always been false and a lie. You are nothing." This experience amplified his deepest insecurities, particularly around having kept his exploration of the Law of One material secret during the darkest seven-year period of his life (2013-2020). His imposter syndrome intensified to unbearable levels as he imagined his family discovering his perceived phoniness. He experienced such intense terror that he physically trembled and writhed, even contemplating that his family would be better off if he killed himself.

Visually, he saw twisted, malformed, grotesque beings—viscera, lower chakra colors, volcanic orange fire, and a blackness that wasn't void but malice itself. He describes this as "dark light"—blackness inverted from void to malice rather than void to love.

The Turning Point: Agency and Belonging

At the lowest point, Doug received an internal nudge reminding him of cognitive behavioral principles: these thoughts and feelings were something he had created, not something creating him. He realized he'd always had a defense mechanism but now had to enact it at the deepest level ever.

As he flew at 100 miles per hour over volcanic craters with demons pulling him down, he began repeating: "And you belong. And you belong. And I understand." He recognized these disintegrated parts—splintered through this lifetime and past lifetimes—as his own creations. Even negative external entities belonged because he is the creator. By saying "you belong," he cut the cords of shame and guilt. The arrows still hurt, but they no longer mounted one upon another or killed him—they bounced off.

This awakened him to a greater truth that had been completely covered: he has agency. The word "Satan" means "the accuser"—the disintegrated energy level that accuses us of never having been whole.

The Sacred Yes and Ascent

Once Doug awakened to his agential self, he stopped being propelled by a force stronger than him. He declared his "sacred yes": "I desire to bring the light of wholeness. I desire to bring the light of Christ." For Doug, "Christ" represents the singularity of manifested wholeness—a code word invested with 2,000 years of human ritual and belief. Gold, the color of wholeness made manifest, became his experience.

At this declaration, an explosion of golden luminosity occurred—a big bang bringing wholeness into the depths of hell within his psyche. He began blessing everything rather than being cursed by it. This shifted his energetic space, transporting him to a perspective higher than the hell realms.

The Heaven Realms and the Great Realization

Doug found himself in what he calls the heaven realms, surrounded by heavenly beings attentive to him. He belonged there and flew in the golden hue, bathed in hope after the funk of despair. When he looked down at the hell realms and saw the demonic beings looking up angrily, he didn't feel pure bliss. Instead, he felt what all the beings around him felt: the joy of wholeness simultaneously connected with great sadness that those below have, in a way, chosen to be miserable.

The crucial insight: there was no line separating hell from heaven. The difference is that when one only desires disintegration, it doesn't occur to self that you have agency to transcend. From below, those in heaven appear as "other." From above, those in hell are seen as "us"—welcome to come up. The suffering Doug felt was the realization that the pain doesn't have to be this way, but we create our own hells—energetic vibrational streams of consciousness in the spectrum of separation.

Integration: Metaphysical and Psychological Truth

Doug emphasizes that while this was a visionary experience, it's metaphysically, archetypally, mythologically, and psychologically true. He connects it directly to his counseling work: when clients learn through courage to live in greater spaciousness and choose higher-grade responses instead of status quo reactions, they move from one frequency (perhaps hellish realms) into realms of integration and wholeness. It's all one reality, just described with different words.

Good counselors, he argues, offer the "lore" of myths—these visionary experiences can be found in comic books, fantasy novels, or Revelations, but they're all words describing phenomenological, experiential facts. The key is dropping constricting worldviews by discovering your "sacred yes"—what Whitehead calls the "subjective aim." When you declare and articulate a sacred yes for the highest and greatest good, it becomes a focusing apparatus creating an orientation in time-space, a vortex of wholeness you can operate within.

This awakening to agency and articulating what you truly want—"I want to bring the light of wholeness here"—can happen through mundane conversation, good counseling, or ayahuasca. The mechanism is the same: awakening to the sense of self, realizing agency exists, and declaring your sacred intention.

Doug's Journey as the Archetypal Harrowing of Hell Mystical Christianity's Understanding of the Descent

In mystical Christianity, the Harrowing of Hell refers to the "Vigil of the Heart of the Earth"—the liminal space between tragedy and triumph during Holy Saturday when Jesus descended into the heart of the earth to encounter the depths of separation and disintegration. According to Cynthia Bourgeault in The Wisdom Jesus, when Jesus entered the realms of the dead, he didn't fix, judge, or redeem hell itself. Instead, "he just sat there surrounded by the darkest, deepest, most alienated, most constricted states of pained consciousness; sitting, if we can imagine it, among all those mirroring faces of the collective false self... sitting there in the midst of blackness." His love went into the darkest and deepest places of darkness and reconnected the darkness to the whole.

Bourgeault describes this as holding "all the boundary conditions of this realm (time, change, and circumstance) 'in and to love's embrace' and in such a way release duality... In that ultimate 'letting be,' he transformed them." The stillness of Holy Saturday represents Jesus' Spirit going "to the depths of the darkest realm of our consciousness, reconnecting our true self to his Spirit bringing his light to the dead. The Kingdom of God invaded and absorbed all sin brought forth from our ego and false self mirroring what it is (letting it be) and transforming it through his love."

The Psychological and Inner Harrowing

Mystical tradition understands that Christ's descent into Hell has an ongoing meaning relevant to daily spiritual life: "Christ is at all times poised to release that same love, to do to death the evil that is within us, now. This is the fuller and mystical meaning of the descent into Hell... It reminds us too of our responsibility to respond to the same love that destroyed the power of evil that once threatened to destroy Christ. What was done in him, will also be done in us."

This is precisely what Doug experienced. His journey mirrors the four-part archetypal pattern he himself identifies: the descent into hell, the crucifixion (the terror and darkness), the harrowing (the work of recognition and integration), and the resurrection (the ascent into wholeness).

Mary Magdalene as Witness and Model

In Bourgeault's teaching "Through Holy Week with Mary Magdalene," she presents Mary as one who accompanies Jesus through the Paschal mystery, modeling "the transformed human heart bridging the finite and the infinite." Through Mary Magdalene's "witnessing and 'substituted love,' we come to understand how the human heart is the gateway to the transformational mystery."

Mary Magdalene's presence and undying witness does not falter as she accompanies Jesus through his crucifixion, burial, and resurrection. Bourgeault emphasizes Mary's capacity "to not turn or run. To not run from our own pain, breaches, failings, and loss; and to not turn from that in others and in the world around us."

This is exactly what Doug enacted in his hell realms. Like Mary at the tomb, he stayed present to the horror. He didn't flee or dissociate. Instead, he looked directly at the twisted beings and declared, "And you belong." This is the mystical witnessing that Bourgeault identifies as Mary Magdalene's gift to Christianity—the capacity to remain present to darkness without being consumed by it, to hold vigil at the threshold between death and life.

Doug's Experience as Living Archetype

Doug's journey perfectly enacts the Harrowing of Hell as understood in mystical Christianity:

1. The Descent into Disintegration: Like Christ descending to sit among "all those mirroring faces of the collective false self," Doug encountered his own splintered parts—the imposter, the liar, the fraud. These were the "anguish of Judas, the indecision of Pilate, the cowardice of Peter, the sanctimony of the Pharisees" within his own psyche.

2. Sitting with the Darkness: Rather than trying to fight, flee, or fix these demonic aspects, Doug learned to simply be present with them. Like Christ who "just sat there" in the blackness, Doug stopped running and began the work of recognition: "And you belong. And I understand."

3. The Reconnection Through Love: The essence of the Harrowing is that Christ's love "reconnected the darkness to the whole so that 'in Him all things hold together.'" Doug's declaration "I desire to bring the light of Christ and wholeness here" performed this exact function—reconnecting his disintegrated parts to the wholeness of his being.

4. The Transformation of Separation: The Harrowing asks: "Why is this creation here? Why did all this happen? And why are we in the midst of this?" The mystical answer: "I was a hidden treasure and I loved (longed) to be known so I created the worlds visible and invisible." The only way to be known is by taking the risk of loving. Doug's hell realms existed because separation exists—but his choice to love them ("you belong") rather than reject them enacted the cosmic pattern of reunification.

5. The Vigil at the Boundary: Like Mary Magdalene keeping watch at the tomb, Doug maintained consciousness at the boundary between death and life, hell and heaven. He didn't abandon himself in his darkest moment. This vigil—this sustained presence—is what allowed the resurrection to occur.

6. No Line Between Hell and Heaven: Doug's realization that "there was no line separating hell from heaven" reflects the mystical understanding that heaven and hell are not locations but states of consciousness. The early tradition used "Sheol" to describe "the place where those who had preceded Christ waited for his coming," not a place of eternal punishment but a realm of separation waiting for reconnection.

The Sacred Yes as Resurrection Power

Doug's "sacred yes"—"I desire to bring the light of wholeness here"—functions as the resurrection proclamation. In mystical Christianity, the Harrowing is not complete until the captives are led out. Doug didn't just sit with his demons; he blessed them and brought them into the light. This is the completion of the archetypal pattern: descent, recognition, embrace, transformation, and ascent.

Bourgeault speaks of Mary Magdalene as embodying "surrender to the alchemy of transformation, the capacity to love and the willingness to remain, to stay—to not turn or run." Doug's journey demonstrates this exact alchemy. By remaining present to his hell, by declaring the belonging of all parts, by articulating his sacred intention, he enacted the Harrowing pattern within his own consciousness.

This is why Doug's experience is not merely personal but archetypal and mythological. He lived out the pattern that Christ demonstrated, that Mary Magdalene witnessed, and that mystical Christianity has understood for two millennia: the way out of hell is not around it, but through it—by bringing love and consciousness to the darkest places within ourselves, we reconnect what has been severed and restore what has been lost.

The counseling work Doug describes is simply helping others undertake their own personal Harrowing—descending into their disintegrated selves, learning to stay present without fleeing, discovering their agency, articulating their sacred yes, and allowing the light of wholeness to transform their inner landscape. Every therapeutic breakthrough is a small resurrection, every integration of shadow is a harrowing, every client who learns to respond rather than react is ascending from their personal hell into their heaven.

This is the gift of mystical Christianity that Bourgeault has helped recover: the Harrowing of Hell is not merely a historical event that happened once, but an eternal pattern, a cosmic template that each person must enact within themselves to become whole.