What usually holds you back from starting a conversation?

Can you remember a time you avoided someone out of fear of saying the wrong thing?

Jay sits down with behavioral researcher and bestselling author Vanessa Van Edwards for a powerful conversation that blends science, honesty, and so many surprising moments. Vanessa, who refers to herself as a “recovering awkward person,” shares how her biggest social struggles became the driving force behind her mission to crack the code on human connection.

Together, Jay and Vanessa dive into the fascinating world of charisma, exploring the 97 cues, from eye contact to tone of voice, that quietly shape how we’re seen and understood. Vanessa breaks down why so many of us feel overlooked or underestimated—and introduces “signal amplification bias,” a concept that explains why the signals you think you’re sending might not be landing the way you expect. Vanessa shows us how confidence isn’t always something you’re born with but something you can build, with intention and awareness.

The conversation goes even deeper as they unpack the tricky balance between warmth and competence, especially for women in the workplace, and how vulnerability isn’t a weakness, but often your greatest strength. They explore how to create those magic “me too” moments that form instant connections, spot the hidden red flags in communication, and let go of the need to be liked by everyone in order to be truly seen by the right people.

In this interview, you'll learn:

How to Make a Great First Impression Without Saying a Word

How to Break the Ice with a Simple “Hey”

How to Balance Warmth and Competence in Any Conversation

How to Create Connection Using “Me Too” Moments

How to Exit a Conversation Gracefully (Without Offending Anyone)

How to Spot a Liar Using Body Language and Micro-Expressions

How to Ask Better Questions That Spark Real Conversations

How to Recognize the Difference Between Charisma and Manipulation

Whether you struggle with social anxiety, want to level up your leadership presence, or are just tired of surface-level small talk, this episode is packed with practical tools and uplifting wisdom to help you connect with more authenticity and power.

With Love and Gratitude,

Jay Shetty

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What We Discuss:

00:00 Intro

00:51 From Awkward to Empowered: Overcoming Social Anxiety

02:43 How Do You Really Want People to See You?

06:44 Why Aren’t Your First Impressions Landing?

10:01 Why They’re Not Getting Your Signals (And What to Do About It)

13:33 Want to Be More Attractive? Try Being More Available

15:40 One Simple “Hey” That Can Spark a New Connection

19:16 Your Vibe Teaches People How to Treat You

22:06 Speak with Power: Unlock Your Full Vocal Power

23:47 3 Conversation Starters That Actually Work

29:49 Making Friends Doesn’t Have to Be Hard

31:17 Why Compliments Alone Don’t Build Connection

33:30 Break the Ice Without Sounding Like Everyone Else

38:36 Stop Trying to Be Interesting, Do This Instead

40:48 The Art of a Smooth and Respectful Exit

44:32 Use These Nonverbal Cues to Steer the Conversation

47:41 Spot Inauthentic Behavior Before It Costs You

54:28 Why People-Pleasing Feels Safer But Actually Holds You Back

57:48 How to Tell If Someone’s Lying (Without Saying a Word)

01:00:04 When Narcissists Feel Like the Most Charismatic People

01:03:46 Want to Really Get to Know Someone? Take a Road Trip

01:04:45 How Dopamine Makes You More Memorable

01:08:23 Every Answer Can Be a Gateway to Connection

01:10:51 How Asking Better Questions Inspires Growth

01:13:10 Discover Your Social Battery: Introvert, Extrovert, or Ambivert?

01:15:10 You Might Be an Ambivert and That’s a Superpower

01:19:07 The Two Ways Friendships Evolve Over Time

01:22:30 Choose Friends Who Inspire Awe

01:25:20 The Double Standard Faced by Highly Competent Women

01:33:09 Before You Make That Connection, Ask Yourself This

01:34:34 Life’s Too Short for Shallow Connections, Find Your People

01:36:29 Vanessa on Final Five

Episode Resources:

Vanessa Van Edwards | Website

Vanessa Van Edwards | Instagram

Vanessa Van Edwards | X

Vanessa Van Edwards | YouTube

Vanessa Van Edwards | TikTok

Vanessa Van Edwards | Facebook

Vanessa Van Edwards | LinkedIn

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Effectively Wild Episode 1906: Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged