Getting Discomfortable with Clarity

On my recent adventures in dating, I’ve discovered that we are living in an epidemic of Ghosting, ambiguity, and a general lack of clarity. And I am just as guilty as anyone else! As I said in one of my recent Instagram polls, “Ghosted people ghost people.” This culture of ambiguity is self-reinforcing, spreading like a virus, turning innocent victims into cold-hearted Ghosters.

In my own case, I use the excuse of “being nice” to avoid rejecting people in clear and honest ways. As if a confusing, gradual fade is more pleasant than a hard stop. But in actuality, I’d much rather someone just tell me the painful truth than leave me wondering, because my negativity bias will just fill in the blanks with something even more hurtful.

So over the last few months, inspired by a rash of ambiguous dates, my episode on Honesty, and Brené Brown’s quote, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind”, I’ve made it my mission to try to be as clear as possible as soon as possible.

Taking part in several Pride events in Vancouver last month turned out to be the perfect place to get discomfortable with clarity. From run-ins with old flames to dance floor make-outs to unwanted flirtation, Pride is awash in ambiguity and uncertainty. Everyone is wondering, what does this person want from me — if anything — and what do I want from them?

I’m happy to say that in my limited experience with clarity so far, it has proven to not only be effective, but very welcome. People seem grateful to know where you really stand, and it even inspires more clarity from them in return (often with surprising results about the assumptions you made about what they “want” from you). Not only that, but being clear is such a relief! It’s not just kind to the person receiving the clarity, it’s kind to yourself as well. Clarity, when delivered with compassion and humour, actually makes the situation less awkward and less dramatic.

What’s more, clarity even has the ability to salvage relationships that would otherwise have ended in resentment. If you have the urge to avoid someone, it is probably because you haven’t been clear with them about something. Clarity says, I respect you enough to be honest with you, and I value this connection even if I don’t want to date you, sleep with you, or be your new bff.