Monogamy is essential to the culture of heterosexuality.
From its historical roots as a marital expectation for wives, but not husbands, to its current role in maintaining a society that runs on women’s unpaid labor, it’s clear that monogamy is a feminist problem. In this episode, we look at how monogamy fuels toxic romance myths about soul mates, isolates love and care within the nuclear family, and shrinks our social and political lives.
But the task of solving these problems is obviously much bigger than just opting into polyamory, so we’re also talking about what it might look like to be “anti-monogamy” in ways that actually have nothing to do with who, or how many people, you’re f*****g.
This is a paywalled episode, which means free listeners will have to upgrade to hear us get very candid about our own experiences with monogamy—from the myths that we grew up with, to experiences with infidelity, to our current feelings about sexual exclusivity, as a married woman and a newly single woman. We’ve got some big, complex, and sometimes contradictory feelings on this topic.
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Show highlights…
02:11 What is monogamy? Not as dumb of a question as it sounds!
04:24 Expectations of monogamy showed up in Ancient Rome. But only for wives.
05:46 It wasn’t until the 19th century that men were ALSO expected to be monogamous—after thousands of years of men being given the go ahead to f**k around while women were shamed and tortured for doing the same.
06:34 Monogamy became a working class aspiration, and a way for some to distance themselves from queer people and sex workers.
10:56 Compulsory monogamy! Let’s discuss.
12:24 Wildly racist and colonialist 20th century sexology tried to argue that monogamy as proof of European superiority.
13:49 Questionable theories abound about monogamy as “natural”!
14:57 Never trust a headline about “monogamous prairie voles.”
17:30 OK, but to play devil’s advocate: What’s so bad about monogamy? We have a LOT of answers.
21:07 One of the worst things, though: it privatizes love and care.
23:47 Monogamy culture is why men and women can’t be friends!
24:39 Are you “allowed” to be attracted to other people in a marriage?
25:35 We get personal and talk about the monogamy narratives that we grew up with as kids.
30:22 After her mom died, Tracy learned that her parents were not as monogamous as she had thought, and it kinda made her question everything.
32:52 Amanda used to call herself a serial monogamist because “I was always having boyfriends for a long time and then… replacing them.”
35:18 We both talk about brushes with infidelity. 👀
40:08 “Once a cheater, always a cheater”?
41:56 Tracy has been questioning monogamy for a very long time.
42:54 The existential threat of non-monogamy.
44:13 Tracy talks about admitting to fantasies about other people within a monogamous marriage.
49:56 OK but there ARE some good things about monogamy.
52:02 Amanda tells us how her attitude toward monogamy has changed post-divorce.
55:05 When non-monogamy is an attempt to prevent divorce.
01:00:47 How do you push back against jealousy while along allowing yourself to be human?
01:02:23 Non-monogamy is not necessarily politically radical—and it can reproduce some of the same troubling dynamics of monogamy.
01:07:14 Kim Tallbear has lots of smart things to say about decolonizing “settler sexuality.”
01:08:27 Maybe the question isn’t “monogamy or non-monogamy” but rather: How do I de-center the couple and create webs of caring connection?