How to Help Your Teen Overcome Their Inner Critic and Build Confidence

Apr 5, 2024

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Ever wonder why your once bright and enthusiastic child now seems overwhelmed, stressed, and constantly down on themselves? You're not alone. Research shows that nearly 80% of teens struggle with negative self-talk, and it affects their confidence, academic performance, and overall well-being.

In this episode, we chat with school psychologist and teen coach Natalie Borrell, the founder of Life Success for Teens, who shares powerful strategies to help your teen silence their inner critic and thrive with confidence. Tune in to learn how to break the cycle of negativity and cultivate a growth mindset for success.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

How to identify the signs of a critical inner voice in your teenager
Practical tools and techniques for challenging negative thoughts
The importance of self-compassion and building lasting confidence
Why teens need to hear support from more than just their parents

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

Negative self-talk can easily turn into negative beliefs, affecting your teen’s confidence and success.
Silencing your teen's inner critic is possible by taking action and addressing the root of the issue.
Sometimes, your teen needs to hear encouragement from a new voice—a mentor, coach, or trusted adult.
Self-compassion is crucial to breaking the cycle of negativity and building a healthy mindset.
Time management and confidence are closely linked; addressing both helps teens thrive.

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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
• Life Success for Teens - Masterclass: 5 Step Strategy to Transform Your Teen

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Natalie Borrell

Website: LifeSuccessForTeens.com
Instagram: @LifeSuccessForTeens

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam (00:00.602)
Ever wonder why your once bright and enthusiastic child seems constantly stressed, overwhelmed, and down on themselves? You're not alone. Studies show nearly 80% of teenagers experience negative self-talk, impacting their confidence, academic performance, and overall well-being. In this episode, we dive deep with school psychologist and teen coach Natalie Borrell to explore strategies to help your teens silence their inner critic and cultivate a growth mindset for success. Natalie, welcome to the show.

Natalie Borrell (00:40.59)
Thank you so much, it's an honor to be here.

Dr. Cam (00:41.872)
It's great to have you. So tell us a little bit, what's the quick story that inspired you to start working with teenagers and helping them with life success?

Natalie Borrell (00:53.614)
Well, I have been a school psychologist for 17 years. And while I love that work and I work with amazing people, what I've realized is that when you work in public education, there is a lot of red tape and a lot of hoops that have to be jumped through in order to get a student what it is that they need. So about seven years ago, I started doing a very official Google search on what else I could do with my school psychology degree, because I felt like I wasn't having the type of long-lasting impact that I wanted to have on teenagers.

I started the company seven years ago, and it used to be just me, but now there's a team of 15 of us that all have different areas of expertise and backgrounds and work well with different types of teenagers. I get to play matchmaker when I talk to families and connect them with a coach that is really going to meet their student's needs and be a great match as far as personality. So that's the work that I'm doing now, and I just absolutely love it.

Dr. Cam (02:17.872)
I love it. I'm going to ask you real quick to step a little bit back from the camera because we're not able to see your eyes. Yay. Okay. And just up a little bit. I want to make sure... there we go. I want to make sure we can see your whole face. Cool. So let's talk about a little bit. What do you see that comes into your coaching practice? What are some of the biggest obstacles kids are facing when it comes to feeling successful and being able to succeed?

Natalie Borrell (02:23.726)
Great question. So the first thing that comes to my mind is that a lot of parents come to me for support with their teenager's time management skills. Balancing all of the things they have to do in school—assignments, upcoming tests and quizzes—knowing what is due when, and kind of managing all of that. But also using their time effectively and efficiently. So time management is probably the most common thing that parents initially reach out to me for.

But it's interesting because when I have a conversation with a parent and we start talking about time management, inevitably what also comes up is my teenager needs more confidence. They need more motivation. The time management and study skills—those are all tangible things that we can teach to help them be successful in school. But it's interesting because there's always this underlying question about their confidence, and that's half the battle as well.

Dr. Cam (09:21.872)
How do I help them change this negative self-talk? What do we need to do?

Natalie Borrell (09:29.886)
Yeah, I mean, as a parent, you're probably saying all of the right things—the encouraging things, the things that you want to say to boost their self-esteem and help them see all of the amazing things in their teenager. But the problem is, you have to say that because you're their parent, right? Sometimes, it has to come from another voice. Whether that is a teacher, a family mentor, a coach, an accountability partner, another student. It almost doesn't matter who it is. Of course, you want to keep saying those things as a parent, and I think it's great to continue. I would never recommend stopping. But I think it has to come from a different voice in order for your teenager to believe it and internalize it.

Dr. Cam (10:15.024)
The other thing, I learned a little trick with my daughter. She's 18 now, but I always liked having her overhear me say something positive about her to somebody else, which almost gave me another voice. So it added credibility because she's like, "Yeah, you have to say it to me, but man, if I overhear you saying it to somebody else, then that must be true, and you must really think that." I use that trick a lot.

Natalie Borrell (11:16.098)
I mean, I think sometimes, to your point, it has to come from... Let me rephrase this. I think that—I'm going to have to pause and think about that for a second. How do I want to answer that question? Can you rephrase the question for me? Thanks.

Dr. Cam (11:31.566)
Yes, so a lot of times, we are giving, you know, directly to our kids. We're saying, "You're smart, you got this," but a lot of the kids don't believe it. And one of it is because, yes, we're their parent. But also what I hear from teens is, "I don't believe them because they may say it here, but they're saying all these other things over here that say it's something different. So what am I to believe?" So what are some of those things. One example is I'll ask parents, you know, they say grades don't matter, and I say, well, what do you do when they get an A? Well, we celebrate. Well, what do you do when they get a C? Well, we talk about what they can do better next time. And they said, well, that very action is telling them that grades matter. So what are some other things that parents may be doing that we don't realize we're doing that might be undermining our attempts to build up their self-esteem?

How do we as parents start addressing that?

Natalie Borrell (14:55.742)
Yeah, you know, the first thing that I do when I'm talking with teenagers about their inner critic is to recognize that it is absolutely normal. It's an absolutely normal part of being a human to be critical of yourself or to not feel confident in certain areas of your life. So the first thing is to normalize it and to say, "You know, everybody has an inner critic. It's not about not having one because that's not reality."

No, oh, absolutely not. No, I mean, it's a repetitive thing. It's like planting a seed. You have to keep planting the seeds. Like a strong oak takes a long time to grow, right? We have to keep planting those seeds even if it feels like they're not listening to you or they're tuning you out or they give you feedback or resistance to it. It doesn't matter. You still have to plant the seed. You still have to model it because now if mom says it and then somebody else around me says it...

Dr. Cam (18:14.128)
Okay, what do we need to do?

Natalie Borrell (18:42.686

Okay, now it must be true, right? But it has to come from several different places in order for that to stick. So parents keep saying it. Hopefully, we can shift that mindset of your teenager, but then when they also hear it from other people—teachers, athletic coaches, mentors—then it starts to click like, "Oh, maybe that is true."

Dr. Cam (19:02.736)
A lot of times the way we want to approach it is we just say, "Oh, that's not true. Don't think that you're this." And the reason that doesn't work... Tell us why that doesn't work.

Natalie Borrell (19:16.318)
It doesn't work because you have to say that as their parent. I mean, there's no... You just have to say that. You're their parent. That's your job to build them up.

Dr. Cam (19:25.712)
Yeah, and it's not changing their belief system either. I think a lot of times what we're doing is just saying, "We're not listening to you. We don't get it. We don't know anything," if we're just brushing over that belief, rather than trying to dig in and understand that belief using the tools that you just gave us. Right? So now we're helping them reframe it, which is exactly the skill they need to do, rather than just telling them to ignore it.

Natalie Borrell (19:57.662)
You're right.

Dr. Cam (20:24.4)
It feeds into their negative critic that they're dumb. And I think we need to be very mindful of that. So how do parents address that?

Natalie Borrell (20:33.022)
The first thing that comes to my mind is storytelling. I think it's really great to tell stories of either your own life, somebody you know, or even a famous person's story who overcame setbacks or had something difficult and overcame that. Storytelling is so helpful in that way because they start to relate to what is happening, and it takes the spotlight off of them. Like it's somebody else's issue that they're learning about, but it relates to them.

So I think storytelling in any way, shape, or form—whether it's through movies, whether it's, "Hey, I heard this podcast episode, I thought you might like it, here's the link," whatever it may be—sharing stories, I think, is the first one. But then the other thing is to, if your teenager's willing to have a conversation with you about this, we can talk about two paths. And what I mean by that is you can take a path where we just let it go—like it is what it is, we're not going to, you know, got a bad grade, let's move on—and then talk about what happens on that path, whatever it may be, so you're still getting your words out, but there doesn't have to be that back-and-forth conversation that might not go the way that you hope it goes.

Dr. Cam (23:17.904)
I like that. And I'm going to throw in, even people might not like this, but even running it through ChatGPT. What I've noticed is if I write something and I'm very emotional, heated, and negative, ChatGPT will immediately take that out of it and make it a lot more kind and productive. And I'm like, "Oh, thank you." So there's always the chance of being able to go, "Okay, how do I say this in a way that's not quite as...?" And I found that helpful.

Natalie Borrell (23:46.544)
Yes, oh, that's great.

Dr. Cam (23:47.728)
It helps me do that. So I think now we're having conversations with our kids. And I know it's very difficult. A lot of times kids are very reluctant to open up to their parents. So having a trusted adult, right, as someone else that they can turn to... How do parents help kids find these trusted adults that parents can also trust?

Natalie Borrell (23:50.686)
Thank you. You know, I think it's using your village. It's using the people around you. As my kids get older, I'm really realizing that old saying of, "It takes a village" is so true. Because you have to look at the people that you already know, like, and trust first, to me. If there's nobody in that circle of love that you feel like could be a mentor or a connection with your teen, look to the school.

I would say to really just normalize the fact that the inner critic is real. It is loud, everybody has one, but it's very important to figure out where it happens and what it is saying so that you know how to shift that language because we both know this, and likely everybody listening knows this. The thoughts we have about ourselves become our beliefs. And what we don't want to happen is that those thoughts. Yeah, what's the point?

The way that most people find me is honestly on Instagram. My handle on Instagram is @LifeSuccessForTeens, and then my website is also www.lifesuccessforteens.com. So either of those places you can find me and learn more information about what my coaches and I do and how we work with teenagers.

Dr. Cam (31:39.824)
Love it. It sounds so well-rounded and what people need. So thank you so much for that. And thanks for joining me today. I appreciate it.

ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth.

Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.

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