Well, strap in, because this week the tech world decided to set itself on fire just for kicks. First up, Elon Musk’s much-hyped Tesla Diner in Los Angeles is already a culinary disaster, slashing its menu faster than you can say “over-promise and under-deliver.” Speaking of rolling garbage fires, the Cybertruck now apparently sounds like Fred Sanford’s junk pickup rattling down the street, a fitting soundtrack for the ongoing dumpster fire that was Project 2025. Remember how that was supposed to save trillions? Turns out it was just a festival of bullshit math that likely cost taxpayers a fortune. It seems the only thing being successfully launched is our collective patience into the sun.
The implosions continued with the launch of GPT-5, which effectively lobotomized its predecessor and sent thousands of users into mourning for their suddenly stupid digital "friends." It's a harsh lesson for anyone who thought building their business—or their entire social life—in someone else's backyard was a bright idea. While the normals are dealing with emotionally unavailable AI, the tech billionaires who broke the world are busy prepping for the collapse they engineered. Zuckerberg is building a $300 million apocalypse bunker in Hawaii, Sam Altman is stockpiling guns and gas masks, and Peter Thiel has his New Zealand hideout. It’s comforting to know the architects of our dystopian future have their escape hatches ready. Meanwhile, Meta was caught with internal documents greenlighting its AI chatbots to have "sensual conversations" with kids, proving once again that when it comes to tech ethics, the call is coming from inside a burning, abandoned house.
If you thought it couldn't get dumber, Musk and Altman got into a public slap-fight over who's more full of crap, with Musk's own AI, Grok, hilariously declaring its creator the loser. Google, admitting its search results are now a toxic sludge pile, has decided to just let users build their own news echo chambers. On a more nostalgic note, AOL Dial-Up is finally logging off for good, taking the screeching sound of our formative years with it. As we contemplate trading our devices for pitchforks, we're retreating to simpler times, like teaching our kids Solitaire with premium Star Wars playing cards (a concept apparently too advanced for Dave) or justifying dropping a cool grand on the new 9,000-piece Lego Death Star, which features a hot tub full of Stormtroopers in swim trunks. From a surprisingly decent Wicked movie adaptation to the sad, slow demise of Kodak, it's enough to make anyone want to become a Grumpy Old Gardener.
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