Wired for Connection: A Polyvagal Podcast Deb Dana on Repairing Relationships After Conflict
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Aug 19, 2026 
Deb Dana, clinician, consultant, and author who translates Polyvagal Theory into practical tools, joins the conversation. She explores why small ruptures matter, how nervous system signals shape conflict, and why repair needs regulation to invite curiosity and courage. They discuss tailoring repairs, limits of influencing another’s regulation, and repair as an ongoing process that rebuilds trust.
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Name Ruptures In Nervous System Language
- Name ruptures using nervous-system language (e.g., "my nervous system felt anxiety when your voice raised").
- Ask rather than assume: check in with the other person to see if they received the moment as a rupture.
Curiosity Requires A Foot In Ventral
- Curiosity and courage are emergent properties of ventral vagal state, so you need enough ventral regulation to check and ask.
- If you're feeling danger you might notice privately but won't have safety to voice it, blocking repair.
Ask What The Other Nervous System Needs
- Offer repairs in the mode the other nervous system needs: words, actions, or behaviors — ask "what does your nervous system need?".
- Partners can literally give each other the exact phrasing or gesture that soothes (the "key").