David Brooks, author of 'How to Know a Person', joins the podcast to discuss the art of connecting with others and the need for meaningful conversations. They explore emotional range, the impact of illuminators in conversations, and understanding individuals in a divisive society. They also touch on the conflict between left and right perspectives, transforming education in post-war countries, and the power of vulnerability in opening up to others.
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Quick takeaways
Meaningful conversations have the power to address the feeling of being unseen or unheard in society.
Authentic connections and moral skills like active listening and empathy are essential for repairing society.
Paying attention to others with appreciation and respect, and acknowledging their humanity, are crucial for building genuine connections.
Deep dives
The Importance of Being Fully Human
The speaker reflects on his journey from being emotionally closed off to becoming more fully human. He shares a personal story about catching a foul ball and realizing the need to be more emotionally open and connected. He also highlights the influence of Frederick Buechner, who inspired him to embark on a journey of connection and deeper understanding of others. The speaker emphasizes the importance of emotional range and the need for genuine connections in order to repair society.
The Art of Conversation
The speaker discusses the social and emotional crisis faced by society, including rising mental health problems, suicide rates, and a lack of personal connections. He asserts that at the core of every healthy relationship or community is the skill of seeing and understanding others. He explains that being open-hearted is not enough, and that moral skills such as active listening, effective disagreement, forgiveness, and empathy are essential. The speaker argues that true happiness and fulfillment come from authentic connections with specific individuals through meaningful conversations.
Seeing Others with Appreciation and Respect
The speaker emphasizes the importance of paying attention to others with appreciation and respect. He explains that the way we gaze at someone when we first meet them communicates whether we see them as a priority and as a person. He shares examples of illuminators, individuals who are genuinely curious about others and make them feel understood and respected. The speaker highlights the moral skill of paying attention to another person, recognizing their humanity, and acknowledging the depth of their experiences. He encourages seeing people with generous eyes, recognizing their efforts and unique journey.
The Moral How-To Book
The speaker explores how the skills presented in the book are not just technical but also moral. He underlines the significance of conversation as an integral part of personal and moral formation. The speaker explains that listening well, engaging in healthy disagreement, asking for forgiveness, and sitting with someone who is suffering are all moral skills that require practice. He emphasizes that these skills are essential for creating healthier families, organizations, and communities. The speaker describes the book as a practical guide infused with a deep moral understanding of how to truly know and connect with others.
Overcoming Risks and Betrayal
The speaker acknowledges the risks involved in knowing and connecting with others, including the possibility of betrayal. However, he argues that it is better to lead with trust, respect, and curiosity despite the occasional risk. He shares insights from biblical stories and the example of Jesus, who saw the humanity in others even in the face of betrayal. The speaker encourages individuals to lean against their cultural limitations, to be gentle with themselves, and to extend trust and understanding to others. He concludes by highlighting the rewards that come from deeply knowing and being known by others.
We’re living in a cultural moment where so many people feel unseen and unheard. What if the answer is not some big government or nonprofit program, but rather something as intimate as this: a meaningful conversation. David Brooks joins the podcast to talk about his new book, “How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.” He and Curtis discuss the art of connecting with another person, and why our society so deeply needs to revive the skills involved.