318: You've got a dream. How do you ask for help?

We're doing a deep dive into the subject of asking for help. That's a BIG question that comes up during our LIVE events all the time. That makes sense though. When people start to get clear on goals and dreams… they're often struck with the realization they can't do it alone. We all know that if we want to accomplish BIG things… we can't fly solo. BUT… asking for help can be hard. So that's why we're going after this REALLY IMPORTANT SUBJECT! And… since it's a part of our "Dream Together" series… we're keeping it to just about 15 minutes. So let's get to it!

RESOURCES:

RELATED DREAM THINK DO EPISODES:

JT Fox - Scoring Your Dream Job: https://mitchmatthews.com/jt-fox-scoring-dream-job

Mitch Matthews - 3 Keys to Meeting NEW People: www.mitchmatthews.com/198

Jamie Lieberman - HashTag Legal www.mitchmatthews.com/122

Erin Rollenhagen - Be Strong and Authentic: https://mitchmatthews.com/253

Sheri Salata - Finding LOVE for Life Again: https://mitchmatthews.com/312

EPISODE MINUTE BY MINUTE:

• 0:21 What to expect today
• 1:10 How do I ask for help?
• 2:20 Strategy One: Be ready for it to feel different
• 5:30 Strategy Two: Be open
• 6:17 Strategy Three: Don't be selfish
• 9:05 Strategy Four: Be real
• 9:33 Strategy Five: Be kind
• 10:15 Strategy Six: Be honoring
• 13:47 Strategy Seven: Keep it simple
• 15:05 Strategy Eight: Be grateful
• 16:15 Strategy Nine: What did you hear and what will you do about it?

THE EPISODE - WORD FOR WORD:

All right. Hello and welcome Dream. Think. Doer to episode 318. That's right, this is another in our Dream Together Series. These are special episodes to get you specific strategies in 15 minutes or less. And this is all about helping those folks that are going after dreams, specifically, a little bit more specifically, those folks that are now using our Dream Together app.

It's been absolutely amazing to see this thing start to reach people around the world. Dream. Think. Doers and others are starting to use the app to dream together, but we've had questions come in, right? And I love this. I love that we're getting to respond to this, but what we wanted to do is go after some of the most common questions with this Dream Together Series. And in this particular episode, we're going to go after specific strategies to answer the question, "How do I ask for help?"

So whether you're using Dream Together or not, I'm guessing that if you're listening to this, you are Dream. Think. Doer. You are going after dreams. And here's the deal, something that I've learned, I'll bet it's something that you've learned. That when we go after dreams, when we pursue dreams, when we are trying to grow something, we eventually have to realize at some point, we're going to need some help. We can't do it on our own. Listen, I know you are a wildly talented, amazing individual, but if we're going to grow something that's bigger than ourselves, we have to ask for help, right?

In this episode, I'm going to get you some quick tips, thoughts, strategies, even dare I say, musings. All of which, each one of these, I could go probably 45 minutes to an hour on, but I'm going to try to get these tips strategies to you in two minutes or less, to get an all total of 15 minutes or less on this episode, we'll see how we do. But the whole goal is to get you what you need so that you can truly get out there and go after and achieve more of your dreams and goals. All right? So let's get after this.

NUMBER ONE: BE READY FOR IT TO FEEL DIFFERENT:

Be ready for it to feel different.

Listen, if you are a highly successful person, you're an achiever, there's a good chance that you know you need to ask for help, but it may not in fact be what is your norm, right? It might feel like there's some dissonance when you go to do it. You'll like this.

Recently I came across some information that may sound tangential, but I believe it relates. And that is we learn to communicate in two different ways. One is called formulaic language theory. You'll be able to amaze your friends at dinner parties with this.

Now formulaic language theory is something that our brain loves to do. It's where we start to use formulas for communicating. There's a good chance that when you walk into a store and somebody says, "Can I help you?" you say, "No, thank you. Just looking." That's formulaic. That's where our brain starts to use these patterns so that we don't have to think as much.

Now the challenge with formulaic language thinking or theory, is that this starts to actually have an impact on all of our relationships. Maybe you have a good friend. Maybe you are in a long-term relationship, maybe your spouse, you start to move into formulaic language theories. Maybe dinner starts to sound pretty similar every night. Maybe those phone calls start to sound pretty similar every day. That is formulaic language theory. Your brain is trying to get you to use patterns, so it doesn't have to think as much.

Now here's the thing. The opposite of that is something called generative language theory. Now it feels different, as you can imagine. But that is where we treat each individual as an individual, each conversation as something to discover, something to engage in. And it's one of those things that, to be perfectly honest, our brain can rail against a little bit, because it takes more energy. But at the same time, that's where the magic happens, isn't it?

If we treat a conversation with an individual, whether it's our spouse, a good friend, or even somebody at the store, sometimes we can uncover some of the most amazing conversations, right? I don't know about you, but I've had amazing conversations with people standing at a cash register, just because I was in the moment and stayed with it, right? That generative language theory.

Now, again, when you start to move into this, your brain rails against it, because it's going against the patterns that you've learned are efficient and all of those things, right? So in the same way that when we start to ask for help, our brain may in fact rail against that because it steps outside our norm. So just because it starts to feel uncomfortable, doesn't mean that it's wrong, right? It just means that it's new.

Okay, so formulaic language theory versus generative language theory. How about that for a little bit of science? Okay. That's a little heady, but the rest of these I think are going to go faster and a little bit smoother. But hopefully that helps to just help you to know that when we go to do this, it might feel a little weird, it might be a little new, but that doesn't mean it's wrong, okay?

Now that leads us to number two…

NUMBER TWO: BE OPEN

which is be open. And that's exactly what we've been talking about. Sometimes when we try something new, as in asking for help, it's going to feel different. And sometimes different feels wrong, right? Our brain is trying to process that as, "Wait, this feels different. This feels uncomfortable," right?

But as we start to grow, as we start to move forward, as we start to go after those things that are bigger than ourselves, we have to know we are growing. And a lot of growing means that we're going to experience new things. And a lot of new things means that it's going to feel different. And what we need to do is we need to be open to saying that different isn't bad, different is new, and I'm going to learn from that. Okay. So be open.

The next one might surprise you.

NUMBER THREE: DON'T BE SELFISH

Now here's the thing. I used to think that it was selfish to ask for help, right? "Oh gosh, I'm going to be a burden. That's just selfish to ask somebody for help." But over the years, as we've done Big Dream gatherings around the country, as I've worked with my coaching clients one-on-one, as I've thought about my own life, my own business. When I look back, I realized that it's not selfish to ask for help. It's selfish to not ask for help.

Because I believe that when you need help, that means you're kind of walking around with a puzzle piece. And you may not in fact know, if you've ever put a puzzle together, you know how satisfying it is. There's those moments where you've got that puzzle piece and you're like, "This doesn't fit anywhere," right? You're about ready to give up, but then you find that locking piece, that piece that fits. And you're like, "Oh," the satisfaction that comes, right? So often when we're walking around needing help, it's like we're walking around with a puzzle piece. And that also means that somebody else has a puzzle piece that needs to lock in with yours.

I'll give you an example of this. One of my businesses is we help coaches around the world; life coaches, success coaches. And what's amazing about this is that I could not do this alone. I have a business partner in this. His name is David Nadler. I should have him on the show. He's one of my great friends. He's an incredible strategist. He's amazing.

Now what's amazing about David is that his skill sets are wildly different than mine. He doesn't want to do what I do. I don't want to do what he does. But we, years ago, were two people walking around with puzzle pieces, right? And I actually almost wanted to hide my puzzle piece, because some of the things that I couldn't do, I was embarrassed about. But David at the same time, was walking around with his puzzle piece and realizing the things that he wanted to do, he was needing somebody else to partner with him. And he was a little embarrassed about that too.

But boy, boom, when our puzzle pieces connected, when we were able to experiment and grow and learn from each other and try things, some things went down in flames; I can tell you ugly, messy flames, but some things have hit. And it's allowed us to reach people around the world to sell coaching programs and training and all of those things to thousands of people around the world, and more importantly, connect with great people, help great people to make more impact, all of those things. We couldn't have done it. If we'd been hiding our puzzle pieces, we only did it because we let those puzzle pieces show brightly.

So don't be selfish. Don't hide your puzzle piece, right? Recognize you need some help, but realize that when you find that locking puzzle piece, you're going to be helping somebody else walk out their dreams, walk out their goals, right? So that's number three.

NUMBER FOUR: BE REAL

Be real. And what I mean by that is, you need to admit you need help.

As a recovering perfectionist… this is so hard. I know for me, it is so hard sometimes, because we want to feel like we got it all together. We want to feel like we're in control. We want to feel like we've got it covered, right? But we have to be real. We have to admit to ourselves and to others that we need help. And confession, confession is good for the soul, right?

NUMBER FIVE: BE KIND

As you ask for help, be kind. I love this quote on kindness that I found from Eric Hoffer, he's an American philosopher, and author. And he said,

"Kindness can become its own motive. We are made kind by being kind."

How awesome is that, right? He had another quote on the same subject and he talked about the juxtaposition, the opposite of that. He said,

"Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength."

So let's be kind. As we ask for help, let's be kind.

Which also leads us to number six, which is be honoring,

NUMBER SIX: BE HONORING

So, as we think about who might we ask for help, maybe we need insight. Maybe we need perspective. Maybe we need experience. Maybe we need wisdom.

As you start to think about those people that may in fact, have some help for you, ask yourself, "Is this someone that makes their living from the area that I need help in?"

And if it is, that's okay. Offer to pay them.

Offer to pay them. Don't expect them to give it away. There's a good chance they have worked hard to learn the knowledge and the wisdom that they've achieved. So if they make their money from where you need help, then offer to pay them.

Here's a good rule of thumb. If you're tempted to send an email or a message asking to pick someone's brain, I just did air quotes. "Can I pick your brain?" ask yourself, does this person's job, does the work the way they make money, the way that they get paid, is it in relationship to the information I'm asking for? And if so, just offer to pay them for it.

Now some of you might be like, "But I don't have much money."

Okay. And that's just fine, right? And if you're in those shoes, say, "Hey, if you make money from this, I want to honor that. I don't have a lot of money right now, but I would love a little bit of time just to run the idea past you." Just even asking 15 minutes. But at the very least, maybe even offer to pay them for 15 minutes.

Now there's a good chance that they will say, "Now, let's meet." There's a lot of people that if in fact they make money from where you're needing help, they will have a way for you to get a little bit of that help without having to pay. I know for me, as I do my coaching sessions and work with coaching clients, I always do a complimentary session on the front end. Because I want people to know what it's like to work with me, and I want to get to know them, see if we're a good fit.

I know that Jamie Lieberman, as an example, she is an attorney that I've interviewed for Dream. Think. Do. I have sent countless entrepreneurs to her. She specializes in working with online entrepreneurs. Jamie Lieberman, as an attorney, she gets paid for this information. She will do an introductory session with someone, get to know them a little bit, spend some time with them to get to know what their needs are. And then to be able to offer a little bit of information and then obviously, if she can help in some way where she gets paid, then she'll walk you through that.

So that's something to be able to speak to that, to honor that. At the same time, if they don't make money from what it is you're asking for help on, still honor them. You might offer it to buy a cup of coffee, take them to lunch. Now I know in our current pandemic scenario, that's a little bit hard to do, or it might be somebody on the other side of the planet. You can still do it though.

I just recently was asked, "Hey, could I pick your brain?" It was somebody that had been a guest on Dream. Think. Do. I loved their story, all of that. And they said, "Hey, I'd love to buy you coffee." And I'm like, "Okay, well you live on the other side of the planet. How are we going to do that?" And he said, "Uber Eats, I will send you a cup of coffee over Uber Eats, and we can have a Zoom call." Now, it was awesome. It's one of those things where I didn't expect that, but that was honoring. And I did, I took him up on it, because you guys know I love coffee. And it's just a great way to be able to say, "Hey, I want to honor your time," right? So that's number six, honor them.

NUMBER SEVEN: KEEP IT SIMPLE

Letting people know, "Hey, I need your help," and be able to speak to it.

To be able to say, "Hey, I can keep this short." And also let them know you have no expectations. Don't expect anything, especially before you have that conversation.

But here's what I'd suggest is, when you do connect, just let them know what you're working on and then just see if it resonates with them. That's what I like to do, is the only expectation is a couple of minutes to let you know what I'm working on, and then let's just see if it resonates. And if it does, then we can talk about the possibilities of working together on it. And if it doesn't, no harm, no foul. I love you. We're all good, right? That's powerful.

Now I will point to an extra tip here. This comes from JT Fox and my conversation with JT in episode 41. You can check it out at www.Mitchmatthews.com/041. JT used this strategy to get his dream job. He worked his way through a company that was his dream company and met and connected with a number of people. And one of the questions he always asked at the end of these conversations, whether the person was able to help him or not, one of the questions he always asked was, "Hey, whether you can help or not, who would you suggest? Who else should I be talking with?" Powerful question. That's the golden question, right?

NUMBER EIGHT: BE GRATEFUL

Be grateful. Say thank you. Be a blessing, right? If that person says yes and they help you, wonderful. If that person says, "No, I don't have time," still be grateful. Say thank you, right? I always say, my goal is that when someone thinks of me, my hope is that I've done something to bless them, so a smile comes to their face. That may sound cheesy. I don't know, but that's a good rule of thumb. And it winds up helping you to be more of a blessing as you walk around. And that's never a bad thing, right? So those are some of the strategies that I want you to be able to think through.

But here's the thing. What I want to do is we're going to wrap up with two last questions. Those questions are, as you think about the things that we talked about today, the things that we covered today, let's just walk through them. Be ready for it to feel different, to be open, don't be selfish, be real, be kind, be honoring, keep it simple and be grateful.

LAST TWO QUESTIONS:

As you think about those things, going to leave you with two last questions.

The question are:

• What did you hear?
• What do you want to do as the result?

As I spoke, as I talked into your ear, as I whispered to you, what's something that stood out to you? What's something that's going to stick with you? And then to follow that up and say, what's something specific you're going to do with that information? What did you hear today, as you listened to this episode? And what's something specific, what's some small but significant action that you can take to move forward on that idea? All right. Those are the things I want to leave you with.

And I will say, as we wrap this up, this whole episode is about asking for help. So of course I want to ask you for help. You're a Dream. Think. Doer. We're in this together. So I've got some specific areas where I need help as well. So hopefully, it's okay. I'm going to ask. And that is hey, if you could help us out with the podcast, I would so love that. And that means that if you haven't left a review, wherever you listen to this podcast, please do. Every review counts. I read every review. It's a blessing. It helps us to grow the podcast. It helps us reach new people.

If you haven't already, hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. We've got more of these Dream Together Series coming your way. And also, please share this with a friend. If you know somebody that's working on something and they need that boost to go after the dream, to ask for help as they do, please share this with them, because that makes all the difference.

I can tell you that it's always amazing, it's always amazing when we get some help from a Dream. Think. Doer out there. I'm so grateful for you. And I'm so grateful that we're on this journey. I'm so grateful for your help along the way. And I'm so glad that we're in this together.

All right. So I will admit, I went a little over the 15 minutes. Hopefully you've got grace for me there, but I'm hoping that also something stuck with you today, because I know you're growing something. I know you're going after it. And as you do, you're going to need help. But know that as you ask for that help, there's a very good chance the person you ask for it, the people that you involve, they're going to be able to walk out some part of their dream as they do as well. So don't be selfish. Share that dream. Let's make it happen, all right?

Hey, I'll tell you what. We've got some more of this series. We've got some great interviews coming your way, so stay tuned for those. But until we connect again, keep bringing your awesome, because the world, it needs more of it. Talk soon.

I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!:

Leave a comment and let me know what's something that stood out to you from these EIGHT? Just as importantly… what would you add to the list? I can't wait to hear from you!