Expert Insights, Part 2: Trying To Change Others (Breather Episode with Brad)

Nov 20, 2020

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Can you truly change others? And what is the price you pay for trying to do so? What if there was an easier way of dealing with that desire we all have to change the behavior, habits, or beliefs of those around us? In this episode, I’ll share the most useful and insightful tips I’ve gathered from various experts and invite you to expand your perspective on the topic of changing others.

Best-selling author Mark Manson remarked during his Get Over Yourself show appearance that instead of trying to change others, “You must decide what you are willing to tolerate and not willing to tolerate in your relationships.” Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in a “lose-lose situation” if you continue to try to change someone, or if you yourself end up changing for someone else. Another one of my favorite insights from Mark was his argument that self worth is an “illusion” and that you should best view your life as a series of decisions and actions. Instead, work on cultivating self discipline, because self discipline is the real key to happiness. I also love Mark’s stance on never using other people as a means to an end. Don’t think about what others can do for you, but rather, what you can do to be of service to others.

I’m also a fan of the actor Dax Shepard’s podcast Armchair Expert and share a story from one episode about how he handled an issue he was having with his wife, actress Kristen Bell. Annoyed with her habit of reading and responding to emails at night in bed, Dax remarked something along the lines of, ‘Can’t you schedule your time better during the day so you don’t do this at night?’ Well, unsurprisingly, that did not go over well. What did, however, was a different approach, with Dax simply telling her that he needed her full attention. The heart of the issue changed: it was no longer about what he wanted her to do, but instead about what he needed from her, and that made all the difference.

I wrap up the show with some great insights from Dave Rossi, who says that, “Attachments in relationships set you up for pain and suffering” and advises us to, “Accept others as they are, and don’t try to change them.”

Thanks for listening, and check back for part 3 of this series which will cover insights from experts on how to optimize your health!

TIMESTAMPS:

Don’t try to change other people. [01:28]

Self-worth is an illusion. [02:15]

If someone is trying to change you, then you are stuck in a lose-lose situation. [03:37]

Learn to express your own needs by doing it in a way where you are not trying to change the other person. [05:06]

The conditioned self responds to situations that supersede our power to make choices. [08:48]

The highest level of human consciousness would be to never use others as a means to an end. [11:56]

Don’t judge people. Don’t try to change people. Accept them for who they are. [14:20]

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