#28 Codependency and Relationship Q & A - with Sheleana Aiyana

Sheleana Aiyana, founder of RisingWoman.com joins me for a conversation about codependency in relationships, as well as a Q & A about relationships where we answer questions from fans about our own realtionship.

Codependency is a word that comes up in conversations about healthy/unhealthy relationships. It is a pattern that is prevalent in the relationships all around you, and perhaps in your own relationship. We explore this subject in detail, defining what codependency is and what it looks like in romantic relationships. 

Some of the things we discuss in this episode:

• What codependency can look like in relationship. 
• How quiet resentment builds when you give the wrong things
• Covert agreements (6:00)
• Coming in to relationship not needing to perform in order to earn love
• Type 1 codependency - Codependency associated with addiction (10:50)
• The key to recovering from Type 1 codependency
• Type 2 codependency - The "special" relationship (16:00)
• When 2 people are codependent
• Codependency as an isolation mechanism of the ego (20:00)
• The "Nice Guy" and "Nice Gal" phenomenon (26:00)
• How fear or rejection prevents us from asking for what we want (30:00)
• Learning to accept your partner's "No"
• Developing a strong sense of self-love, so you can say no to partners who don't fit what you want (39:00)
• The moment when we broke up early in the relationship and how we dealt with it. (43:00)
• How to bring consciousness in to a hot discussion or a fight (47:30)
• Using relationship as a tool for your own self-discovery (49:00)
• Q & A about relationships. See below (56:00)

Healthy relationship tips from this episode:

• Come in to relationship already deserving of love. This is a mindset.
• Ask for what you want - communicate your needs
• Set agreements consciously and verbally
• Allow emotions to flow in your relationship. Let it be messy.
• Learn to feel your own feelings, so you can hold space for your partner
• Use what happens in your relationship as an opportunity to learn about yourself and how your own mind works
• Disagreement does not equal rejection. Rejection doesn't have to crush you. Be willing to have your partner say "No"
• Learn to say No and then allow your partner to feel their feelings
• Develop self-love so you can turn down relationships that aren't a good fit for you.
• In hot discussions and fights - put 80% inward curiosity and 20% outward curiosity in the other person
• Remember that even in the most conscious relationships, there will be conflict. Your responsibility is to keep doing the work.
• If you want something in your relationship, bring the energy of that thing
• Take healthy space from each other, and use your community to give you energy instead of relying on each other for everything
• Women, nurture strong relationships with other women
• Men, build strong bonds with other men.
• Know what you want in relationships, and don't sell yourself out when choosing to move forward in a relationship.
• Boundaries are sexy
• Remember that you don't have to work out your relationship issues immediately. You can take space, and then come together and hold some space.
• Know when you can and can't hold space

Sheleana runs a program with Heather Pennell on Rising Woman called Heal Your Relationships. This is a program for women looking to do their inner work so they can attract the relationships they want.

Q & A Time - We answer the following:

• Should I wait for “the one” or spend time dating and trying out romantic relationships?

• Where are all the “good ones”? Why do I only attract people who only want sex?

• Personal Question: Were we both interested in relationship work and personal growth before we met?

• Can space between partners be healthy? How can time apart be good for relationships?

• What are the benefits of polyamory or non-manogamy versus monogamy?

• How do I bring myself to my partner when things aren’t going well?

• How do I hold space?

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