Open to Debate How to Resolve Conflicts in Relationships: A Conversation with Esther Perel
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Dec 19, 2025 
Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist and New York Times-bestselling author, joins John Donvan to explore the dynamics of conflict in relationships. Perel emphasizes that conflict isn’t inherently negative, but can be a catalyst for growth. She discusses how curiosity can diffuse tension and the importance of differentiating opinions rather than seeking immediate reconciliation. Touching on cultural influences on conflict, she also introduces her storytelling game as a tool for fostering intimacy. Through her insights, listeners learn to navigate disagreements with compassion and understanding.
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Form Matters More Than Content
- The form of conflict matters more than the content of disagreement.
- How people argue (kitchen-sinking, polarization, contempt) predicts relational damage more than the topic fought over.
Argue With The Relationship In Mind
- Preserve the relationship while arguing by asking what your words will do to the bond.
- Practice 'enlightened self-interest' and avoid saying things just to feel better in the moment.
Replace Judgment With Curiosity
- Use curiosity to dissolve flattening and one-dimensional judgments of others.
- Ask questions to uncover life history and values before assigning character labels.