How Money Effects Our Masculinity feat. Teri Kelley

#184:

In my 20s, I went out on a first date with a woman who asked me a question I’d never been posed before:

“How would you handle being with a woman who made more money than you?”

To highlight how un-woke I was at the time, I was caught flat-footed and without words because in all honesty:

The thought had never crossed my mind.

Part of that was because I was in financial services, in a big job and making more money than most people I knew…especially people my age.

But on a deeper, subconscious level, I’d always just assumed that I would be the breadwinner in any romantic relationship.

Not just assumed it, I felt it was my duty – my obligation.

And then I started to wonder “where the hell did that belief come from?”

Fairly quickly I came up with some answers:

• My father was the breadwinner in our family while my mother made the choice to stay at home
• Every movie or tv show I’d ever seen portrayed a man’s role as financial provider as essential to his masculinity
• Every movie or tv show I’d ever seen where a man didn’t make money, he was portrayed as less than a man (he was fumbling through life, women didn’t want him, other men ridiculed him)

And yet, in real life, I was surrounded by amazing female friends, bosses and coworkers who were crushing it financially. How had I failed to see this? How had I failed to upgrade my operating system?

This wake-up call from my date kickstarted an inquiry into my beliefs around money and how those beliefs had shaped my masculine identity.

It made me think back to previous dinner dates where my date picked up the check, and I would feel a wave of blood rush to my face – preempting the oncoming humiliation – of being witnessed by everyone else at the restaurant as a man who couldn’t pay the tab for his woman.

I knew this thinking was antiquated, but it was so deeply ingrained in my DNA that I couldn’t override the feelings of shame that would accompany the situation.

I’ve come a long way these last 15 years in unraveling that unconscious programming. Even though I’m still the one picking up most of the dinner tabs, I love it when a date offers to treat me. I genuinely experience it as a gift, and I enjoy it if other people witness her gesture of kindness.

Today, I lead deep inner work discussions with both men’s and women’s groups alike, exposing blind spots of our unconscious programming – like money and masculinity – that prevent us from connecting with one another…and from feeling that deep sense of inner security that we all crave.

So today, I’m bringing on a very special guest - and financial expert - who has a bird’s eye view of how unconscious masculine belief systems play out in money and relationship matters:

My dear friend Teri Kelley.

Who is Teri Kelley

• Teri is a Senior Vice President and Financial Advisor at Morgan Stanley
• Earlier this year, she was named by Forbes as one of the Top-10 women wealth advisors in the state of Arizona
• In 2019, Teri hired me to do 4 months of deep, intensive coaching after suffering a massive panic attack after burning herself out…so we worked on breaking her free from drift and taking back her life on her terms
• Through that, we developed a deep bond and friendship that gets stronger by this day
• In her work as a financial advisor, she oversees clients with assets ranging from $2m to $30m…and has a unique perspective in how unconscious gender dynamics play out in some not so great ways when it comes to money

In this Episode

• Why so many male/female relationships fail – or experience untenable tension – when the woman earns more
• You’ll explore whether your self-identity requires you to be the financial provider in your romantic relationship…or if you’re ok with being a partner that provides in non-financial ways
• What happens when couples don’t reckon with these unconscious gender roles when it comes to financial dynamics
• Why you still may feel emasculated when your partner makes more than you, even when you know better, and how to upgrade that
• Teri also addresses the question of “how do I know when I should hire a financial advisor vs. going at it on my own?”

Resources:

The Automatic Millionaire by David Bach: https://amzn.to/36VUeJI