Kuldrin's Krypt A BDSM 101 Podcast Reserved Doms Vs Assertive subs-S02E14
Apr 16, 2019
12:01
Recorded: 4/16/2019 / Published: 4/16/2019
Patreon
Can call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at https://kudrinskrypt.com
On this episode of the Krypt we are hitting the rules to love by, I have to share with you my new collar maker https://www.daycollars.com, and then we are diving into an interesting topic presented to me by a play partner, a friend, a listener, and a show producer, SortOutTheKinks, on Reserved Dominants Vs. Assertive submissives.
Rules to Love by:
1: Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
2: KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
3: “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
https://www.daycollars.com
Day Collars is a place for personalized handmade collars, leashes, cuffs and belts. They cater to everyone, from sporty and informal daily fashion to the leather community. They will guide you through the styling of your accessory and the whole thing concerning your order is personalized to your needs and specifications. For inspiration and ideas on your personal style or to simply admire their completed works, visit their gallery page.
-The Reserved Dominant
In order to truly understand this topic I have to first define what I mean by “reserved”. This can be done in a few simple descriptive words such as less outgoing, shy, withdrawn, quiet, standoffish, wallflower, ...these are all descriptors of what I am referring to when I say reserved but just because these things might describe a person it in no way means they aren’t a good Dominant. Think about as you would bread. There are several types, white, wheat, pumpernickel, rye, but they are all bread. There are a few different ingredients that make all those types of bread, bread but they all have a few other different ingredients that make them different. Just as with people, these ingredients are the foundation of what makes us, us.
Working to get over shyness:
A lot of people think that a person has to be outgoing or even a Type A personality to be a Dom or Top and this simply isn’t true. In fact, a lot of the more typical Type A’s out there would rather be submissive in their personal lives in order to balance out their professional lives.
Education Level:
Some Dominants may not be confident in their skills, and this may contribute to why they are less apt to invite someone to play or agree to play with others. Going out to classes can improve this and boost confidence in skills.
Limited Event Experience:
Getting out to play spaces, dungeons, parties, and conventions means getting around like-minded individuals, which in turn means more social education and interaction with experienced people that can teach you the skills necessary to be more confident.
Psychological Foundation:
Whether it is nurture or nature, some people are just quiet, withdrawn, shy, or have some form of social anxiety and there is NOTHING wrong with that as long as it doesn’t interfere with your activities of daily living. If everyone was the same it would be a very boring world. It is a complete myth propagated by “Master Mister Domly Daddy” that if you are like this then you are not a Dom at all but actually a sub. This is such crap! YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE VERY EXTROVERTED TO BE A GOOD DOM or TOP!!!
Examples:
Corey:
Things may be slow going with him at first, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you or doesn’t want to play. He is just a very reserved person that needs a connection with a partner to play with them.
IrishMTDragon:
Out of all the people I have met along the way he is one of the best examples of this. I interviewed him in S01E27 (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/127) where he talks about his social awkwardness and anxiety but I didn’t see any way that those things made him less of a Dom than me or anyone else that doesn’t have those issues. And believe me, I’m not saying I don’t have issues just not those two...at least not nearly as bad as he does. But regardless, nothing about it prevents him, you, or anyone else from fulfilling the duties of a Dominant.
And if you’d like to know what I think those duties are, listen to episodes:
S01E03-“The Dom’s Role and Common Mistakes” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/103)
S01E14-”Master Arcane Interview” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/114)
S01E30-”Types of BDSM Dominants” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/130)
S02E04-”Dominants Bill of Rights and Calling Red” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/dominants-bill-of-rights-and-calling-red-s02e04)
The Assertive submissive:
Again understanding what is meant by my terminology here is important. Some people think that assertiveness is being stubborn, overbearing, or controlling but the way it is meant in this context is simply someone who isn’t reserved. They are not afraid to be the center of attention, they don’t let social anxieties get in the way of a good time, or they are not afraid to ask a Dom or Top to play with them. In other words, outgoing. If you are a reserved person just talking about some of these things might sound extremely scary or you might wish you could be assertive like these people but just like the saying that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, this isn’t without its own set of specific issues.
Assertive subs:
May feel that they intimidate dominants when pursuing a relationship. In S01E50-Who Pursues Whom in BDSM” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/who-pursues-whom-in-bdsm-s01e50) we talked a lot about this and both sides of the coin can be a tough sell to you if you feel the other side is correct but regardless, I have known many Dominants and Tops that would get “clammy” if they were approached by a sub or bottom for play or for a potential relationship. I have also heard a lot of stories from /s types about them scaring off potentials because the person they were pursuing believed that anyone that was “truly submissive” would wait until they were addressed. Personally, I love when someone is assertive and lets me know exactly what they would like from me...but then I really just consider that effective communication. Which was discussed at length in S01E24-”Effective Communication in BDSM Relationship” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/124)
Assertive subs might know what they want and not want to waste their time with someone they “think” doesn’t fit but I’ve often seen people judge to quickly and pass on opportunities that they, more than likely, would have greatly benefitted from.
The last thing to consider is being forward in asking for what they want/need. This one is almost always a good thing but like everything, there is an exception to the rule. Some can be so forward that they forget about another person's needs or boundaries and embarrass them, or even unintentionally disrespect them or someone they are close too. I once had someone walk up to me, bite me, tell me I was the sexiest person they’ve ever met, and forcefully offered their submission while they were holding me by my package. She honestly thought I would appreciate the honesty, flattery, and forwardness but my date nor hers appreciated anything about her actions.
The Bottom Line:
Both of these things can go either way with a Reserved/Assertive Dominant and a Reserved/Assertive sub. Whether you are more assertive or more reserved than most, you be you and don’t let other people define you as a Dominant, submissive, Top, or bottom. That is for you to decide. If you feel that these, or any other personality traits are causing issues in your life take the bull by the horns by talking with a professional and develop a plan to change those things.[:] The shownotes for this episode which contains links to all the other episodes I have talked to you about can be found at https://kuldrinskrypt.com/214
Show Producers:
Pro Producer($100/month): Anonymous.
Executive Producers ($25/month): Jeremiah, Jess, ArcaneD.G.R. & violetaurelia, Feline_Rouge, and babylove2269.
Sr. Producers ($10/month): Matt, xEmeraldxWolfx, JayKay, Queen Sage, and SortOutTheKinks.
Producers ($5/month): Kainsin, ThatPlace: Oklahoma City, Roxiebear, olive_eyes, Seine (Zine), and Alexandria
Jr. Producers ($1/month): K-2SO, BuffaloDom84, LxSoumis, and Hayley.
https://kuldrinskrypt.com/support
BDSM 25 page soft and hardbound M/s and D/s contracts. http://bdsmcontracts.org
Coupon code: kuldrin20 for a 20% discount on all purchases.
http://whippingstripes.com my personal maker of leather and paracord impact toys.
Next time on The Krypt ???. In the meantime go to https://kuldrinskrypt.com for show notes, how to subscribe information, and the link to Fetlife group so you can take part in the conversation and be eligible for giveaways. While you’re there click on support us to become a Patreon supporter.
Contact info:
Email: Sir@kuldrinskrypt.com
Fetlife Group: https://fetlife.com/groups/159275
Fb: Kuldrin Fire https://www.facebook.com/kuldrin.fire
Twitter: @MasterKuldrin https://twitter.com/MasterKuldrin
Instagram: masterkuldrin https://www.instagram.com/masterkuldrin/
Patreon: kuldrinskrypt https://www.patreon.com/KuldrinsKrypt
Paypal: MasterKuldrin http://paypal.me/masterkuldrin
http://kuldrinskrypt.com/contactresource
Limits and Interest Survey: https://kuldrinskrypt.com/survey
Patreon
Can call in at 865-268-4005 to leave your question or visit the Krypt at https://kudrinskrypt.com
On this episode of the Krypt we are hitting the rules to love by, I have to share with you my new collar maker https://www.daycollars.com, and then we are diving into an interesting topic presented to me by a play partner, a friend, a listener, and a show producer, SortOutTheKinks, on Reserved Dominants Vs. Assertive submissives.
Rules to Love by:
1: Safe, sane, consensual, and informed
2: KNKI: Knowledge, No Intolerance, Kindness, Integrity
3: “Submission is not about authority and it’s not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.” -Wm. Paul Young
https://www.daycollars.com
Day Collars is a place for personalized handmade collars, leashes, cuffs and belts. They cater to everyone, from sporty and informal daily fashion to the leather community. They will guide you through the styling of your accessory and the whole thing concerning your order is personalized to your needs and specifications. For inspiration and ideas on your personal style or to simply admire their completed works, visit their gallery page.
-The Reserved Dominant
In order to truly understand this topic I have to first define what I mean by “reserved”. This can be done in a few simple descriptive words such as less outgoing, shy, withdrawn, quiet, standoffish, wallflower, ...these are all descriptors of what I am referring to when I say reserved but just because these things might describe a person it in no way means they aren’t a good Dominant. Think about as you would bread. There are several types, white, wheat, pumpernickel, rye, but they are all bread. There are a few different ingredients that make all those types of bread, bread but they all have a few other different ingredients that make them different. Just as with people, these ingredients are the foundation of what makes us, us.
Working to get over shyness:
A lot of people think that a person has to be outgoing or even a Type A personality to be a Dom or Top and this simply isn’t true. In fact, a lot of the more typical Type A’s out there would rather be submissive in their personal lives in order to balance out their professional lives.
Education Level:
Some Dominants may not be confident in their skills, and this may contribute to why they are less apt to invite someone to play or agree to play with others. Going out to classes can improve this and boost confidence in skills.
Limited Event Experience:
Getting out to play spaces, dungeons, parties, and conventions means getting around like-minded individuals, which in turn means more social education and interaction with experienced people that can teach you the skills necessary to be more confident.
Psychological Foundation:
Whether it is nurture or nature, some people are just quiet, withdrawn, shy, or have some form of social anxiety and there is NOTHING wrong with that as long as it doesn’t interfere with your activities of daily living. If everyone was the same it would be a very boring world. It is a complete myth propagated by “Master Mister Domly Daddy” that if you are like this then you are not a Dom at all but actually a sub. This is such crap! YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE VERY EXTROVERTED TO BE A GOOD DOM or TOP!!!
Examples:
Corey:
Things may be slow going with him at first, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you or doesn’t want to play. He is just a very reserved person that needs a connection with a partner to play with them.
IrishMTDragon:
Out of all the people I have met along the way he is one of the best examples of this. I interviewed him in S01E27 (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/127) where he talks about his social awkwardness and anxiety but I didn’t see any way that those things made him less of a Dom than me or anyone else that doesn’t have those issues. And believe me, I’m not saying I don’t have issues just not those two...at least not nearly as bad as he does. But regardless, nothing about it prevents him, you, or anyone else from fulfilling the duties of a Dominant.
And if you’d like to know what I think those duties are, listen to episodes:
S01E03-“The Dom’s Role and Common Mistakes” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/103)
S01E14-”Master Arcane Interview” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/114)
S01E30-”Types of BDSM Dominants” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/130)
S02E04-”Dominants Bill of Rights and Calling Red” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/dominants-bill-of-rights-and-calling-red-s02e04)
The Assertive submissive:
Again understanding what is meant by my terminology here is important. Some people think that assertiveness is being stubborn, overbearing, or controlling but the way it is meant in this context is simply someone who isn’t reserved. They are not afraid to be the center of attention, they don’t let social anxieties get in the way of a good time, or they are not afraid to ask a Dom or Top to play with them. In other words, outgoing. If you are a reserved person just talking about some of these things might sound extremely scary or you might wish you could be assertive like these people but just like the saying that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, this isn’t without its own set of specific issues.
Assertive subs:
May feel that they intimidate dominants when pursuing a relationship. In S01E50-Who Pursues Whom in BDSM” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/who-pursues-whom-in-bdsm-s01e50) we talked a lot about this and both sides of the coin can be a tough sell to you if you feel the other side is correct but regardless, I have known many Dominants and Tops that would get “clammy” if they were approached by a sub or bottom for play or for a potential relationship. I have also heard a lot of stories from /s types about them scaring off potentials because the person they were pursuing believed that anyone that was “truly submissive” would wait until they were addressed. Personally, I love when someone is assertive and lets me know exactly what they would like from me...but then I really just consider that effective communication. Which was discussed at length in S01E24-”Effective Communication in BDSM Relationship” (https://kuldrinskrypt.com/124)
Assertive subs might know what they want and not want to waste their time with someone they “think” doesn’t fit but I’ve often seen people judge to quickly and pass on opportunities that they, more than likely, would have greatly benefitted from.
The last thing to consider is being forward in asking for what they want/need. This one is almost always a good thing but like everything, there is an exception to the rule. Some can be so forward that they forget about another person's needs or boundaries and embarrass them, or even unintentionally disrespect them or someone they are close too. I once had someone walk up to me, bite me, tell me I was the sexiest person they’ve ever met, and forcefully offered their submission while they were holding me by my package. She honestly thought I would appreciate the honesty, flattery, and forwardness but my date nor hers appreciated anything about her actions.
The Bottom Line:
Both of these things can go either way with a Reserved/Assertive Dominant and a Reserved/Assertive sub. Whether you are more assertive or more reserved than most, you be you and don’t let other people define you as a Dominant, submissive, Top, or bottom. That is for you to decide. If you feel that these, or any other personality traits are causing issues in your life take the bull by the horns by talking with a professional and develop a plan to change those things.[:] The shownotes for this episode which contains links to all the other episodes I have talked to you about can be found at https://kuldrinskrypt.com/214
Show Producers:
Pro Producer($100/month): Anonymous.
Executive Producers ($25/month): Jeremiah, Jess, ArcaneD.G.R. & violetaurelia, Feline_Rouge, and babylove2269.
Sr. Producers ($10/month): Matt, xEmeraldxWolfx, JayKay, Queen Sage, and SortOutTheKinks.
Producers ($5/month): Kainsin, ThatPlace: Oklahoma City, Roxiebear, olive_eyes, Seine (Zine), and Alexandria
Jr. Producers ($1/month): K-2SO, BuffaloDom84, LxSoumis, and Hayley.
https://kuldrinskrypt.com/support
BDSM 25 page soft and hardbound M/s and D/s contracts. http://bdsmcontracts.org
Coupon code: kuldrin20 for a 20% discount on all purchases.
http://whippingstripes.com my personal maker of leather and paracord impact toys.
Next time on The Krypt ???. In the meantime go to https://kuldrinskrypt.com for show notes, how to subscribe information, and the link to Fetlife group so you can take part in the conversation and be eligible for giveaways. While you’re there click on support us to become a Patreon supporter.
Contact info:
Email: Sir@kuldrinskrypt.com
Fetlife Group: https://fetlife.com/groups/159275
Fb: Kuldrin Fire https://www.facebook.com/kuldrin.fire
Twitter: @MasterKuldrin https://twitter.com/MasterKuldrin
Instagram: masterkuldrin https://www.instagram.com/masterkuldrin/
Patreon: kuldrinskrypt https://www.patreon.com/KuldrinsKrypt
Paypal: MasterKuldrin http://paypal.me/masterkuldrin
http://kuldrinskrypt.com/contactresource
Limits and Interest Survey: https://kuldrinskrypt.com/survey