Did I Mess Up Today? Relief and Regret After Deciding to Hang Up My Stethoscope

Listen to JCO Oncology Practice's Art of Oncology Practice article, "Did I Mess Up Today?" by Dr. John Sweetenham, ASCO Daily News Podcast host and recently retired after 40 years of practice in academic oncology. The article is followed by an interview with Sweetenham and host Dr. Lidia Schapira. Dr Sweetenham shares his reflections on his shrinking clinical comfort zone.

TRANSCRIPT

Narrator: Did I Mess Up Today? By John W. Sweetenham

Reflections on My Shrinking Clinical Comfort Zone

Hindsight and the passage of time have made me realize how much this question began to trouble me after each clinic as my clinical time reduced to one half day per week. After 40 years in oncology, I had reached the point where I had to ask myself whether a minimal commitment to clinical cancer care was best for my patients. I decided that it was not. Reluctantly, I left the world of direct patient care behind. Despite the identity crisis that resulted from giving up the foundational bedrock of my career, I felt substantial relief that I would no longer have to ask myself that question after each clinic—I felt that I had made the decision before (hopefully) I really did mess up.

Reflecting on this in the past few months has made me question whether we have devoted sufficient resources to asking the question of how much clinical time is enough to maintain the clinical skills, knowledge, and competency that our patients deserve and should expect from us. Although we can continually refresh our clinical knowledge and understanding through continuing education and maintenance of certification, we mostly rely on our own judgment of our clinical competency—few of us receive outside signals that tell us we are not as sharp as we should be.

There are many reasons why we may choose to reduce our clinical commitment over the course of a career and why it may be important to us to maintain some level of practice. The spectrum of reasons extends from being truly altruistic, through being more pragmatic to those driven by career advancement and self-interest. Many of those have played into my own decisions about clinical commitment, and I will use my own story to describe my journey of changing motivation and growing (I hope) self-awareness.

I entered oncology fellowship in the United Kingdom in 1984. I chose oncology as a specialty because of the unique opportunity it provided then (and now) to combine new scientific discovery and understanding of this disease with compassionate, patient-centered care, which might improve lives for patients and their caregivers. I was trained in the UK tradition, which placed an emphasis on clinical experience and clinical skills, backed up by knowledge of emerging scientific discovery and data from clinical trials. Like many others at that time, I undertook a laboratory-based research project and was inspired by the work of true physician scientists—they became role models for me, and for what I thought would be my career trajectory.

Once I finished fellowship and became junior faculty with a growing clinical and clinical research practice, I quickly began to realize that to make a meaningful contribution, I would not be able to sustain a clinical and laboratory presence—I admired those who could do this, but soon decided that I would need to make a choice. I knew that my primary passion was the clinic and that I did not have the skill set to sustain a laboratory project as well—it was an easy choice, and when I left the United Kingdom for the United States, I left my physician scientist ambitions behind but felt confident in my chosen clinical career path and had no sense of loss.

I experienced many examples of culture shock when I moved to the United States. One of the least expected was the attitude toward clinical practice among many of my colleagues in academic oncology centers. Many sought to minimize their clinical commitment to give more protected time for research or other professional work. I found this puzzling initially, but have since observed that this is, to some extent, a reflection of the overall institutional priorities and culture. There is often tension between the perceived need for protected time and the expectations of academic departments and health systems for clinical revenue generation. Protected time becomes a contentious issue and increasingly has become the subject of negotiation during the recruitment process.

In my early years in the US system, I found this difficult to grasp—why wouldn't trained physicians want to spend as much of their time as possible doing what we were trained to do? I could understand the need to achieve a balance in commitment for those with labs, but not the desire to do the absolute minimum of clinical work. After all, I was not aware of anyone who thought that they could be competent or competitive in bench research with a half day per week commitment to it, so why would anyone think that level of time commitment would be adequate for a clinical practice, especially for those coming straight out of fellowship?

Over the next few years, as I began to take on more administrative responsibilities, my perspective began to change. The earliest signs that my clinical skills might be dulling came to me while on a busy inpatient service—I was beginning to feel that I was moving out of my comfort zone—although I was comfortable with the day-to day care of these patients, I wondered whether there were nuances to their care that I was missing. I had also started to realize that I was taking more time to make decisions than I had earlier in my career and started to wonder whether I was losing my edge. I decided it was time to leave the inpatient service. I continued with 2 full days in clinic for several years, which fitted well with my administrative commitment, and I felt fully back in my comfort zone and working at the top of my game although I no longer felt like quite the same, fully rounded clinician.

The next step in my career took me to a new leadership position, a reduced clinical commitment of 1 day per week, and a growing sense of unease as to whether this was adequate to stay sharp clinically. I was still gaining great enjoyment and satisfaction from taking care of patients, and I also felt that as a physician leader, clinical practice earned me credibility among my physician colleagues—I could still relate to the issues they faced each day in taking care of patients with cancer. I was also strongly influenced by a former colleague in one of my previous positions who advised me to never give up the day job.

That said, there were warning signs that I was becoming an administrator first and a clinician second—I was spending less time reading journals, my time at conferences was being taken up more with meetings outside of the scientific sessions, my publication rate was falling, and the speaker invitations were slowing down. I had to face the reality that my days as a KOL in the lymphoma world were numbered, and I should probably adjust my focus fully to my administrative/leadership role.

As I made the decision to drop to a half-day clinic per week, I realized that this marked the most significant step in my shrinking clinical role. I became increasingly conflicted about this level of clinical practice. It was much more compatible with my administrative workload, but less satisfying for me as a physician. I began to feel like a visitor in the clinic and was able to sustain my practice only because of the excellent backup from the clinic nurses and advanced practice providers and the support of my physician colleagues. My level of engagement in the development of new trials was diminishing, and I was happy to leave this role to our excellent junior faculty. As with my inpatient experience, I started to feel as though my comfort zone was shrinking once again—some of my faculty colleagues were developing particular expertise in certain lymphoma subtypes, and I was happy that they were providing care for those groups, leaving me to focus on those diseases where I still felt I had maintained my expertise.

Looking back, I think it was the credibility factor which persuaded me to continue with a minimal clinical commitment for as long as I did—I was concerned that giving up completely would result in a loss of respect from clinical colleagues. Subsequent experience confirmed that this was true. When I ultimately decided to hang up my stethoscope, I felt some relief that I had resolved my own internal conflict, but there is no question that it diminished the perception of me as a physician leader among my clinical colleagues.

There is little published literature on the issue of clinical commitment and skills in oncology. In his wonderful perspective in the New England Journal of Medicine, Dr David Weinstock1 describes his experience of withdrawing from clinical practice and compares this process with bereavement. His account of this process certainly resonates with me although my feelings on stepping down were a mixture of regret and relief.

Recognizing that oncology practice remains, to some extent, an art, it is difficult to measure what makes any of us competent, compassionate, and effective oncologists. We have to rely on our own intuition to tell us when we are functioning at our peak and when we may be starting to lose our edge—it is unlikely that anyone else is going to tell us unless there is an egregious error. For me, one half day per week in clinic proved to be insufficient for me to feel fully engaged, truly part of a care team, and fully up to date. Giving up was the right decision for me and my patients, despite the loss of credibility with my colleagues. There was a sense of loss with each stage in the process of my dwindling clinical commitment, but this was offset by the knowledge that I had not waited too long to make changes.

Dr. Lidia Schapira: Hello and welcome to JCO's Cancer Stories: The Art of Oncology, which features essays and personal reflections from authors exploring their experience in the field of oncology. I'm your host, Dr. Lidia Schapira, Professor of Medicine at Stanford University. Today, we are joined by Dr. John Sweetenham, whom you may recognize as the host of the ASCO Daily News podcast. Dr. Sweetenham has recently retired or partly retired after 40 years of practice in academic oncology, and in this episode he'll be discussing his Art of Oncology Practice article, "Did I Mess Up Today?"

At the time of this recording, our guest has no disclosures.

John, welcome to our podcast and thank you for joining us today.

Dr. John Sweetenham: Thank you for having me.

Dr. Lidia Schapira: I'd like to start just by asking a little bit about your process and perhaps why you wrote this. Was this inspired sort of by a conversation? Did this just gush out of you when you saw your last patient? Tell us a little bit about the story of this article.

Dr. John Sweetenham: Yeah, it didn't really gush out of me. In fact, I originally started to write this probably back eight or nine months ago, and I wrote a couple of paragraphs and then I'm not quite sure what happened. I didn't think it was very good. Life took over, other things were going on, and then I revisited it about a month to six weeks ago. So the process has been actually fairly slow in terms of putting this down on paper, but it wasn't really the result of a conversation.

A couple of things spurred me on to do it. The first was the most obvious one, that it really did occur to me, particularly as I hung up my stethoscope and walked away completely from clinical practice, that I did have some sense of relief. Because I didn't have that nagging voice in the back of my head saying to me anymore, "I just want to make sure that I did everything right today." And so I think that was a part of it.

And then it was also partly inspired by something which I read a few years back now. And I actually referenced it in my article, which was that wonderful article by Dr. David Weinstock, who had a somewhat different but parallel experience. And that had really resonated with me. And particularly over the last two or three years of my clinical career, like I said, I began to feel uneasy. And so it wasn't really a kind of blinding flash or anything. It was really just over time, wanting to get it down on paper because I felt that I can't be the only person who feels this way.

Dr. Lidia Schapira: John, let's talk a little bit about some of the themes that I found so compelling in your article. The first is your experience of how we value clinical activity in the United States. And you contrast that very much with your experience in the UK. You talk about having started your fellowship in oncology in the '80s in the UK and then transitioning to the academic culture in the US. Can you reflect a little bit on that for us, both how it was then and how it is now?

Dr. John Sweetenham: I preface that by saying it is 25 years since I practiced in the UK, so I don't really know whether it's now as it was back then. As I mentioned in that article, I think at the time that I went through medical school and undertook my fellowship, the training at that time and the culture was very, very clinically based. I always remember the fact that we were taught very heavily, "Don't rely on tests. Tests are confirmatory. You've got to be a good diagnostician. You have to understand, listen to the patient, he'll tell you the diagnosis," and so on and so forth. So that the grounding, particularly during med school and early fellowship, was very much based on a solid being as a clinician. Now, in 2024, I think, that's actually a little unrealistic, we don't do it quite that way anymore.

And for me, the contrast when I moved to the US was not so much in terms of clinical skills, because I think that clinical skills were very comparable. I don't think that's really a difference. I would say that clinical skills and clinical time are not always consistently valued as highly from one institution to the other. And I think it is an institutional, cultural thing. I've certainly worked in one or two places where there is a very, very strong commitment to clinical work and it is very highly valued. And I've worked in one or two places where that's less so. There isn't really a right or wrong about that. I think different places have different priorities. But I did find certainly when I moved and was probably somewhat naive moving into the US system because I didn't really realize what I was coming to, and there were definite culture shock elements of that. But at that time, in 2000, when I made the transition, I would say that at that time, overall, I think that clinical medicine was probably more highly valued in the UK than it was in the US or clinical skills. I think that's changed now, almost certainly.

Dr. Lidia Schapira: Interesting that you referred to as a clinical culture, a term that I will adopt going forward. But let's talk a little bit about this process of having your time basically devoted more to administrative governance, leadership issues or tasks, and going from being comfortable in the inpatient setting to giving that up and then going to outpatient two days a week, one day a week, half a day a week. And then this moment when you say, "I just can't do this," is there, you think, a point, a threshold? And how would we know where to set that, to say that below that threshold, in terms of volume and experience, one loses competence and skills?

Dr. John Sweetenham: I certainly don't have the answer. And I thought really hard about this and how could we improve on this. And is there some way that we would be able to assess this? And the thing that I thought back to was that back in the early 2000s, when I first moved to the US. At that time, for ECFMG purposes, I had to do something that was called the Clinical Skills Assessment, where you went to Philadelphia and to the ECFMG offices and you saw actor patients and you had to do three or four of these and someone had a camera in the room and so they were watching and assessing your clinical skills. And honestly, I slightly hesitate to say this, but it was probably pretty meaningless. I can't imagine my clinical skills could have been judged in that way. I think it's made me believe that there probably isn't an outside way of doing this. I think it's down to all of us individually and our internal compass. And I think that what it requires is for, certainly in my case, just to be aware. I think it's a self awareness thing. Dare I say it, you have to recognize as you get a little older you probably get a little less sharp than you were, and there are signals if you're prepared to listen to them.

I remember on the inpatient service, and I used to love the inpatient service. I love teaching the house staff and so on. It was really good fun. But then I got to a point where I was on a very, very busy hem malignancies inpatient service and started to have to think about which antibiotics to use just a little bit longer than I had done in the past. And it was little things like that. I was not so familiar with the trials that some of these patients could be able to get on when they were inpatient. And so little signals like that started to ring in my ear and tell me, "Well, if you're taking longer and if you're thinking harder, then maybe it's time to move on from this." And I would say the two most difficult things for me to do overall were obviously giving up clinical work entirely. But before that, giving up the inpatient service was a big deal because I never really felt fully rounded as an oncologist after that. As the hem malignancies docked back 15 years ago, a very big component of the care was still inpatient, and I wasn't doing that part of my patient care anymore. And that was kind of a big change.

Dr. Lidia Schapira: So many things to follow up on. Let me try to take them apart. I'm hearing also two different themes here. One is the competence issue as it relates to aging. And there have been some recent articles about that, about whether or not we actually should require that physicians above a certain age demonstrate their competence. And this is, I think, an ongoing theme in academic medicine. But the other that I hear relates to volume. And even if you are sort of at the top of your game and very young, if you're only in the clinic half a day a week, you can't possibly have the clinical experience that just comes from seeing a lot of patients. Can you help us think through the difference between these two sort of running threads that both, I think, contribute to the idea of whether or not one is competent as an expert in a field?

Dr. John Sweetenham: I think that the discussion around age and clinical competence is a very interesting one. I just don't know how you measure it other than your own internal system for judging that. I'm not sure how you would ever manage that. I suppose in some of the more procedure based specialties, maybe there would be skill based ways that you could do this, but otherwise, I just don't know. And I certainly wouldn't want to ever be in a position of making a judgment based on age on whether somebody should or shouldn't be working. I just felt that for me, it was the right time.

In terms of this issue of volume and time in the clinic, I actually do feel that there are some important messages there that maybe we need to think about. And I say this with total respect, but I think straight out of fellowship, a half a day in a clinic, to me doesn't feel like it's going to give that individual the experience they need for 30 years of clinical practice. I may be wrong about that. I'm sure there are exceptions to that and highly competent individuals who can do that. But I worry that someone who starts out their clinical oncology career with a minimal clinical commitment, I worry as to whether that is the best way for them to develop and maintain their clinical skills.

Dr. Lidia Schapira: And this brings me to another question, which is sort of our oncology workforce and the investment that we all have in our excellent clinicians and experts in diseases. If we are to pluck some of our best to perform more and more leadership, administrative and governance roles, aren't we doing a disservice to our patients and future patients?

Dr. John Sweetenham: I think that in terms of our oncology leadership, both clinically and academically, it could use a bit less gray hair and I think that there are enormously talented mid-career folks who aren't necessarily advanced and getting the opportunities that they should have to really shine in those areas to develop full time clinical and academic practices and be the ones who are really clinically engaged. And then the people of, I won't say my generation, maybe the generation below me now, it seems to me that there is a benefit to gaining administrative leadership roles for those who want to go in that direction as you advance further through your career and that perhaps making sure that those people in their mid-career role, where they're probably at their most productive, are able to do clinically the things that they want to do. What I'm trying to say is I think that you're quite right that we do pick off people who are going to be really talented in a specific direction and distract them from their clinical practice. Maybe we just have to be a bit more reserved about how we do that and not distract those people who are really strong clinicians and pull them in directions that they may, indeed, be attracted to, but perhaps it's a little bit early for them to be doing it.

Dr. Lidia Schapira: It's an interesting question and dilemma because on the one hand we say we don't want people who just have business degrees administrating in medical spaces. But on the other hand, we don't want to distract or pluck all of our clinical talent for administrative roles that take them away from what we prize the most and what our workforce actually needs. And that sort of brings me to my next question, which is something I'm sure you've thought about, which is, as we get older and as we have more gray hair, those of us or those of you who choose to allow yourself to be seen as gray, some of us still cover, how do we present interesting career tracks also that acknowledge the fact that perhaps people want to pivot or take on new roles and still keep them engaged in actively seeing patients because they have so much to offer?

Dr. John Sweetenham: I think the key there is that there has to be a balance between how much of somebody's time, a physician's time should be taken up in those roles. I'll only speak for myself here, but when I got into a more administrative role, it was quite seductive in a way and I quite enjoyed it. It's a very different perspective. You're doing very different things, but you do get this feeling that you're still having impact, you're just doing it in a different framework. It is intriguing and it's a lot of fun. In a way, I think it comes down to time. I think that somewhere around, for me, a 40% clinical commitment, I think I could have continued that. And I think if I could have resisted the temptation to be drawn more into the administrative side, or if somebody had said to me, "No, you're not going to do that," then I would have resisted the temptation to do that. I think that there are people who would say, "Well, you can't take on a physician leadership role in a busy academic center and do it as a part time job." Well, there's probably an element of truth in that, but you certainly can't take care of patients as a part time job either. And I do think that one of the things that we should ask ourselves maybe in terms of developing physician leaders is should we insist that there is a minimum amount of clinical time that the individual still has to commit to? And that may be the answer. I think that it does help to maintain credibility among colleagues, which, I think, is very important, as I mentioned in the article. So that's my only perhaps suggestion I would make is just don't allow your physician leaders to get so wrapped up in this that they start to kind of walk away from what we were all trained to do.

Dr. Lidia Schapira: I'd love to hear you talk a little bit more about your experiences, reflections on what you call the 'art of oncology' and the 'art of practicing in oncology.'

Dr. John Sweetenham: I think that many of us, myself included, tried throughout my career to be evidence-based. I tried really hard to do that, and I hope for the most part, I succeeded. But I think there are times when that does get challenged. Let me give you one example that comes to mind, and that would be just occasionally, from time to time, I had the good fortune to take care of people of some power and influence. And there is, I think, in that situation, a temptation to be drawn into doing what those people want you to do, rather than what you think is the right thing to do. It can be very, very difficult to resist that. And so to my mind, part of the art is around being able to convince those folks that what they're suggesting would not necessarily be in their best interest. That would just be one example.

I think the other thing also that strikes me is you can't walk away from the emotion of what we do. And I still think back to some of the folks that I took care of when I was practicing bone marrow transplantation. This would be even back in the UK and folks would contact me some years afterwards. Some of my former patients from the UK would contact me and would still keep in touch and had medical complications, oncology complications, that followed them. And it struck me then, they were 5,000 miles away. I had no useful advice to give them, really, other than to listen to their physicians and get second opinions and those kinds of practical things. But it did strike me that part of the art is, and perhaps art is the wrong word, but there is a big emotional commitment when people feel 20 years on that they're still wanting to keep in touch with you and let you know what's happening in their lives, you know. And so I think that however much we try to be scientific and detach ourselves from all of that, our interactions with folks, I think sometimes we don't realize how impactful and long lasting they can be.

Dr. Lidia Schapira: I would say that that speaks to your success in establishing a therapeutic alliance, which is probably one of the things that we often undervalue, but is a huge element of truly human-centered, compassionate practice, whatever we want to call it.

But I do have one last question, and that is how you have dealt with or how you have learned to deal with in your practice, with some of these feelings of regret and relief that you mentioned that came with hanging up the stethoscope but the huge emotions that accompany making decisions about one's practice.

Dr. John Sweetenham: It has almost been a natural sort of stepwise progression. So it's almost a journey for me. And so like I mentioned to you earlier on, I struggled around the time when I gave up inpatient practice. I struggled again a little bit when I gave it up completely. Although it was very much balanced by this sense that I didn't have to worry if I was kind of screwing up anymore, so that was good. But I think the other thing is there are other things going on. And so rather than dwelling on that, I've stayed active to some extent in the oncology world by some of the other things I do. I'm still trying to write one or two other things at the moment. And I guess it's partly a kind of distraction, really that has helped me to get through it. But I think in the end doing other stuff, I've actually traveled a fair bit. My wife and I have traveled a fair bit since I actually stopped working. And the other thing, I guess it sounds a bit lame and corny, but after 40 years or so, there are a lot of good memories to think back on. And again, it sounds very cliched and corny - I console myself with the fact that I hope for some of the folks that I took care of that I made a difference. And if I did, then I'm happy with that. I have closure.

Dr. Lidia Schapira: What a lovely thought. I was thinking of the word distraction as well before you said it. Well, listen, I look forward to reading what you write and to being inspired and to continue to be in conversation with you. Thank you so much for joining our show today.

And for our listeners, until next time, thank you for listening to JCO's Cancer Stories: The Art of Oncology. Don't forget to give us a rating or review and be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode. You can find all of the ASCO shows at asco.org/podcasts.

The purpose of this podcast is to educate and to inform. This is not a substitute for professional medical care and is not intended for use in the diagnosis or treatment of individual conditions.

Guests on this podcast express their own opinions, experience, and conclusions. Guest statements on the podcast do not express the opinions of ASCO. The mention of any product, service, organization, activity, or therapy should not be construed as an ASCO endorsement.

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Guest Bio:

Dr. Sweetenham, host of ASCO Daily News podcast, has recently retired after 40 years of practice in academic oncology.