Essential Guide for Parents of 18-Year-Olds: Preparing for the Transition to Adulthood

Aug 19, 2024

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Turning 18 is a significant milestone that brings up a whirlwind of emotions for both parents and teens. Parents often struggle with how much to loosen their grip, while teens may have unrealistic expectations of complete independence. In this episode, I’m joined by Joanna Lilley, a renowned Therapeutic Consultant and Wellness Gap Consultant, who specializes in guiding young adults through this critical transition.

Joanna shares valuable tips on how parents can prepare their teens for adulthood by teaching skills and responsibilities gradually, modeling the behavior they want to see, and creating opportunities for teens to practice independence. The episode also touches on the importance of letting go, trusting that your teen will figure things out, and how to approach the tough conversations about expectations. The key takeaway? Don't let the 18th birthday drive fear and worry—prepare ahead of time and have open, honest conversations with your teens.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

How to prepare your teen for adulthood by gradually teaching essential skills
Why modeling behavior is critical for guiding your teen
The importance of creating opportunities for teens to practice independence
How to let go and trust that your teen will navigate challenges
Why open conversations about expectations are essential for a smooth transition

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

Gradually teach teens skills and responsibilities to prepare them for adulthood.
Model the behavior you want to see in your teens.
Create opportunities for teens to practice independence.
Let go and trust that your teens will figure things out.
Have open conversations with teens about expectations.

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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Success Is Subjective Podcast: Listen here

EPISODE CHAPTERS

00:00 - Teens Turning 18: A Significant Shift
06:13 - Preparing Teens for Adulthood
09:19 - Teaching Skills and Responsibilities
14:56 - Letting Go and Focusing on Self-Care

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Joanna Lilley

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam
Hello parents, Dr. Cam here. Today we're tackling the significant shift when our kids turn 18. Teens are eager to embrace their independence. They're legal, right? But parents struggle with how much to loosen their grip, especially if they don't feel their teen is quite prepared yet to be an adult. So, it's a complex and challenging time to navigate. Joining us today is Joanna Lilley, a therapeutic consultant specializing in guiding young adults through this pivotal transition. Joanna is going to help us address our concerns about our teen's readiness for adult responsibilities and finding the right balance of support and freedom. Joanna, welcome to the show.

Joanna Lilley (00:42.074)
Thanks for having me.

Joanna Lilley (00:50.202)
Well, I’ll say this topic is pretty par for the course for me. What I enjoy about working with young adults is that they do have autonomy and agency, but there's still a significant level of dependence and skill building that's needed. I enjoy it because it’s the perfect storm of how do we collaborate in this transitional period of launching into adulthood?

Dr. Cam (01:21.555)
I love that, and I agree. It’s such a difficult thing to navigate for both teens and parents. It's funny, though, because when I work with a lot of kids—most of them are around 16 or 17—they envision that once they turn 18, they're completely independent. They think parents won’t have a say in what they do, and they’re free. Parents, on the other hand, think it's no different than when they were 16 or 17. As long as they’re under our roof, everything we say goes. When this time comes, those two very different views fuel a lot of conflict. So, let’s first talk about the teen's perspective. Why are they suddenly saying, “I’m free”—except for food, shelter, and all the things they still need from their parents?

Joanna Lilley (02:18.778)
I'm sure it has a lot to do with how they were parented and how involved their parents were in their lives. There needs to be balance. For young adults who feel like they were over-managed, they have this countdown until their 18th birthday, thinking, "Once I turn 18, I’m free!" But the reality is, as you said, they’re still very dependent on their parents. It’s a cognitive dissonance—their idea of independence versus the reality of needing support.

Dr. Cam (03:06.547)
Right. They see the freedom, but not the responsibility that comes with it. So, now let’s look at the parent's perspective. Why are parents often reluctant to let go when their kids turn 18? Is 18, other than being legally the age of adulthood, something parents should be concerned about?

Joanna Lilley (03:36.794)
There’s certainly a fear that once their child turns 18, parents will lose control or their advice will no longer matter. But the reality is, if they’re under your roof, if you’re providing food or paying for school, just because they’re 18 doesn’t mean you lose influence over what they’re involved with or how they’re cared for. As they launch into adulthood, there’s still a shift in parenting. Parents get very tunnel-visioned because they’ve been so involved in their child’s life. Then, when 18 hits, panic sets in. "Oh my gosh, I haven’t laid the foundation for everything they need before they turn 18." There’s a real fear that they don’t have the skills to survive in the real world. It also comes down to brain development—teens can make impulsive decisions. Parents worry about the choices their kids might make. It really depends on the parent-child dynamic, but most parents I work with are very involved, and when their child turns 18, they realize they may not have the skills to survive independently.

Dr. Cam (05:33.459)
Yeah, exactly. So, how do we start preparing our teens? Let’s be real—our number one job as parents is to prepare our kids to be independent, not to keep them dependent on us. I see some parents still wanting their kids to be dependent, or getting frustrated that their kids are still dependent when they’re old enough. How do we start preparing them to be independent but still want us, not need us?

Joanna Lilley (06:12.954)
I love the distinction between needing and wanting. We do want our kids to communicate with us, to call us and tell us what’s going on in their lives—not call us because they don’t know their social security number! There’s a lot of logistical information parents can start to infuse in their kids' lives. Things like scheduling doctor’s appointments, understanding insurance, medications, filling prescriptions, setting alarms, doing laundry. These are the basic skills they need to survive independently. We should start incorporating these into their high school years. If they’re not working, they can volunteer—teaching them consistency, routine, and responsibility. Just because they’re an adult doesn’t mean life is all sunshine and rainbows. In fact, adulting is often mundane and tedious. So, we need to take the shine off of adulthood and show them the real responsibilities that come with it. That way, when they turn 18, they won’t be let down by all the adult responsibilities that come with it.

Dr. Cam (07:55.603)
Right, and I can already hear some of my clients saying, “I would love to teach them these things, but they don’t listen. They don’t want to help around the house, and it’s just a constant battle.” How do we start teaching responsibility and these life skills if they’re resistant?

Joanna Lilley (08:27.066)
Such a great question. Well, first and foremost, keep listening to this podcast for tips on how to communicate better with your teen. There are also objective resources, like professionals, who can help—whether that’s putting a coach in front of your child or for you as a parent. It’s about learning the subtle differences in how to ask your teen to do things or how to invite them into these “boring” adulting tasks. We want to get them excited about it. If you communicate it as something that’s not just an obligation but a skill to help them become an adult, they might buy in more. And, honestly, there are professionals who can help you make those subtle adjustments in how you communicate. If your automatic response is that they’ll push back or refuse and it leads to an argument, then let’s shift that dynamic. The earlier you do this, the more prepared your teen will be by the time they turn 18. And as a parent, you’ll be in a better place with communication and your dynamic will feel more like a partnership. At that point, you’re not just parenting a child—you’re parenting an adult, and they’ll want to communicate with you, not because they need to, but because they want to.

Dr. Cam (10:20.275):
Yeah, I think that's so important, and getting there can be a struggle. One of the obstacles I see with a lot of parents is that we get very laser-focused on what our teen is not doing or what they're doing, and we think they just need to change. I keep reiterating to everyone: if your teen is not listening to you, if they're not respecting you, if they're resistant to anything you have to say, it's not your teen's fault. It's on you as the parent to change the dynamic. It's not about them needing to change, it's about you needing to change if you want to have the relationship you want with your teenager. That’s a difficult thing for people to accept.
I’d love for you to speak to that a little, because I think one of the biggest obstacles we face as parents is thinking that if we change, it feels like they now have all the control, and we're changing for them, which doesn’t feel good either. Can you speak to that?

Joanna Lilley (11:30.458):
Yeah, I literally had a conversation about this just last week. Parents feel like they have no voice. There's a level of powerlessness that builds up over time, creating this dynamic where parents feel like they have no control over their 18-year-old. They're going to totally run the house.
To answer your question, there are resources out there, like books or podcasts, that can help. But I think it's important to understand that having power as a parent doesn’t mean shifting to an authoritarian style of parenting. It's about knowing what’s in your control and what you can do for your child.
It’s about inviting them to participate in the family system, rather than falling into the parent-child dynamic where the child feels picked on or targeted. Like you said, we often focus on the negative, and that creates a negative dynamic. Parents are frustrated, the teen is irritated, and everyone is just walking around angry.
If parents can learn about power—where it comes from and how it can be a beautiful thing for a parent to maintain—it can invite consent for the child to show up and participate how they want to.

Dr. Cam (13:20.243):
Right, we can’t force things like respect, trust, or gratitude. Trying to force those things actually undermines what we're trying to do. Instead, if you see something lacking in your teen, rather than demanding it from them, increase how you demonstrate those qualities in your interactions with them and others when they’re around. That's how they’re learning.
So, how do we model this as they turn 18? How do we ensure they have the skills to be decent and competent human beings? I think those are the two main things we worry about—are they going to be kind and competent? How do we model that in a way they’ll pick up on?

Joanna Lilley (14:30.81):
Well, it's not something that’s going to happen overnight. The earlier you can start leaning into this, the longer the runway you have to role model and for your child to observe and replicate.
As far as being a decent human being, ideally, that apple falls close to the tree. If you’re a decent person, your child will likely follow suit. If you're angry all the time, that’s how your child will show up in the world.
Parents need to focus on mindfulness, managing their anger, impatience, and how they respond to situations. The earlier you focus on that, the better. If your child can observe you handling emotions well, they'll learn self-awareness, which will help them bring joy and peace to the world rather than anger.
In terms of independent skills, we need to teach those earlier. It’s about preparing them for the world.

Dr. Cam (16:15.027):
When our kids become more independent, we often struggle with letting go. It’s not just about our kids; it’s also about us wondering, “Did I do enough? Did I prepare them?” So how do parents start to let go, especially when they've been holding on really tightly? How do we shift into letting them go when we fear what might happen if they rely on themselves?

Joanna Lilley (16:57.018):
This is a hard one, but it’s something I share with all my parents. I tell them it’s not just about them turning 18—it’s about what happens if something happens to you. Can they step up and take care of themselves?
It's a tough realization, but we need to set them up for independence. They might launch earlier or later, and that’s okay.
I also want to point out that sometimes, even if you raise someone well, they might still make poor choices in your eyes. But those are their decisions, and you have to learn to accept that.
To answer your question about letting go, parents who are very involved often feel like they’re running a full-time job—driving their kids, coordinating schedules. When the child leaves, there's suddenly free time, and parents wonder, “What do I do with all this time?”
I actually encourage parents to start thinking about what interests them before their child turns 18. Find activities you’re passionate about so that when your child leaves, you already have something to focus on.
Letting go is easier when you’re doing things that are fulfilling to you. You've spent 18-plus years caring for someone else, so now it’s your turn to focus on yourself and trust that you’ve prepared your child to take care of themselves once they're over the age of 18.

Dr. Cam (20:16.179):
Yeah, I think that's so important, and I love that. I tell parents the same thing: Get your own life. This is exciting for you! It's time for you to find new things, and your teens will thank you for it. They always do. They’ll thank you for not having all your attention on them because that’s way too much pressure, and they don’t want it. But I think when we’re letting our teens go, it’s important to realize that they’re going to make mistakes—sometimes really big ones. There’s nothing we can do to prevent that. And it's okay because we make big mistakes all the time, right? The goal is for them to be able to make mistakes and think, I want to go talk to mom and dad about that, rather than Oh my God, I need to hide this from mom and dad because they’re going to be so pissed off.

Joanna Lilley (21:09.658):
Yeah, I think the one thing I would add here is that it’s not just about parents going out and having fun for themselves. The lesson here is that your child will realize you’re not available 24/7 to help them. So, let’s say you're playing pickleball with friends and away from your phone for three hours, and your kid is blowing up your phone because they needed you during that time. Well, you weren’t there to soothe them or provide whatever information they needed, so they had to figure it out on their own. That’s a great life lesson for them. Hopefully, it wasn’t an emergency, but it teaches them how to self-soothe. If your number-one lifeline is no longer available to them, they have to figure it out, brainstorm, critically think. They’re learning how to be interdependent, not just dependent. It’s an important skill for young adults.

Dr. Cam (22:31.251):
Yeah, I think that’s an essential message for parents. One thing I’ve noticed with my own daughter is that when I’m in the vicinity, she regresses into this little kid who depends on mommy. But when I remove myself from the situation, she handles it just fine. She doesn’t regress, and she steps up, feeling like the adult. There’s not only the idea of removing yourself so they need to figure it out, but also removing yourself so they don’t fall into that "mommy, you take care of it" mode, which is very instinctual to do, right? When they start succeeding and figuring things out on their own, that’s where their confidence and resilience build because now they know they can handle it. That’s so cool.

What else do we need to know as parents of kids who are becoming of age and legal? Where does our responsibility start to shift, and where does it stop at this point?

Joanna Lilley (23:45.178):
I think the priority area where I still see a lot of parental involvement is with insurance. Since many insurance policies allow young adults to stay on their parent’s insurance until age 26, there’s an extended period of care that just exists. Does that mean every 18-year-old should wait until they’re 26 to find a full-time job? Absolutely not. But that lifeline exists. I see parents having a hard time letting go of this. For example, in medical care, mental health care, or anything covered under insurance, I see parents really struggling to let go. But everything else depends on the family situation. It depends on the parents, the young adult, where they are geographically, and culturally what the family believes an 18-year-old should be doing—whether it’s living at home, going to college, or working full-time. That varies. But the one thing I see parents really holding onto, no pun intended, is insurance.

Dr. Cam (25:05.299):
Yeah, that’s a big one. It’s tough when you’re paying for it, and you don’t want them making decisions that will increase costs. But maybe that becomes a consequence instead—if they make decisions that increase the costs, they’ll have to cover the difference. It’s hard because we often have this clear vision of what our kids should or shouldn’t be doing, and we try to control that, but it’s not ours to control. That’s really difficult for us to accept. They are completely different human beings with their own path. I always ask parents, How would you feel if your parents were still telling you daily what you should or shouldn’t do? We wouldn’t like it. At all.

Joanna Lilley (25:55.994):
Hahaha

Dr. Cam (26:01.619):
Alright, what’s one big takeaway you want parents to have from this episode, Joanna?

Joanna Lilley (26:09.306):
The biggest takeaway is to not let the 18th birthday drive fear and worry. It’s just a date. Let it come, let it go, but prepare ahead of time so that date doesn’t create animosity or fear. Don’t give space to it.

Dr. Cam (26:38.611):
I love that. And I think adding to that, it’s important to talk to your teen about their expectations when they turn 18 to see if you’re on the same page. That way, you can get to that stage together instead of both landing there and thinking, We are so far apart right now.

How can people find you, Joanna?

Joanna Lilley (27:03.546):
The best way is on my website, www.lillyconsulting.com. You can also check me out as a host on the podcast, Success is Subjective.

Dr. Cam (27:14.931):
I love it. I was on it—great podcast. Joanna, thanks so much for joining us today. I really appreciate you.

Joanna Lilley (27:23.162):
Thanks again for having me!

About the Show:

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #TeensTurning18